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  • "Hand Holding"

    I have a question just for my own curiosity. My partners ex tends to make demands for answers to her requests immediately or things tend to "disappear" and she needs him to send things again yet when he asks for a response within a reasonable amount of time (example a month after a request) he gets the "I work full time and am a full time single mother" bs.

    Now shes lost an email he sent out of courtesy. Claims it disappeared. She never loses emails and normally ignores him following his emails (hes still waiting on an answer to holidays sent over a month ago). Asking him to resend it. He will of course, but my question is how much hand holding do you do with your exes? Do you jump when they ask even though it takes weeks for them? Do you coddle their mistakes about things like lost cheques that were handed to them? I just find it remarkable that she can ignore his reasonable requests but if he even thinks about waiting 24 hours to respond to her shes hunting him down.

  • #2
    OurFamilyWizard seems ideal for this. She could look up the communication again, herself, and if it's things like receipts, or a photocopy of something, that can be uploaded to it as well, and she could also find that herself, when pointed to.

    Sounds like the ex could be entirely disorganized (which means OurFamilyWizard should help them out immensely), or could just be looking to make your partner jump hoops. Probably the latter.

    For things like cheques, perhaps try to move such things to online, electronic transactions? Email money transfer? If she loses the email money transfer, she can look into that, since "you've" already sent the funds.
    Last edited by dad2bandm; 12-09-2014, 04:32 PM. Reason: Finished thought.

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    • #3
      Hes with FRO now so no worries there. That was last spring and she demanded he go out in a blizzard and replace them immediately.

      She has no problems getting any other emails. I am suspicious of this request. She probably opened it on her phone and clicked something and cant find it.

      As for receipts etc, she loses those before she even sends them to him or never bothers to get an actual receipt figuring telling him how much she paid is proper notification.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
        ...
        As for receipts etc, she loses those before she even sends them to him or never bothers to get an actual receipt figuring telling him how much she paid is proper notification...
        No receipt, no reimbursement.
        Maybe it will help her be more "organized". :-)

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        • #5
          Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
          No receipt, no reimbursement.
          Maybe it will help her be more "organized". :-)

          Funny, she found them for FRO. Too bad she couldnt calculate percentages properly. Wait until she finds out FRO cant recover post sec costs.

          Please note, Im not trying to be difficult. I just am very frustrated watching my partner jumping through hoops, kissing asses and behaving himself to be constantly treated like crap. Hes putting his foot down more and more which is good but this whole "it disappeared send it again" crap gets old. Funny, all the other emails got sent to the kids to read. Maybe this one was going to another folder and went to trash instead?

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          • #6
            Your partner can subscribe to ReadNotify.com. For about $4 per month, he receives notifications when emails he sends are opened by the recipient. That way, he knows if she read the email and is claiming he never sent it or she forgot about it. He can do this on his own, doesn't need agreement of his ex.

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            • #7
              Not to belittle your problem in any way - but your spouse sounds like a very patient person the kind who gives even his Ex wife the benefit of the doubt. It's reassuring for you to know that in the event of your split up, he would treat you with kindness ....
              Re-sending an email doesn't make him a push-over, it does make her a disorganized mess lol. He could use the ol' wait and stall tactic, that way she would be less demanding in the future?

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              • #8
                Seriously Rock, you need to get over the fact that your partner is a wuss. He is a wuss and his ex-wife runs/manipulates him. I am not sure what the answer is but I know you can't change people.

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                • #9
                  It's a game. Don't play into it. However that means you might have to go without too. In our case, mom doesn't lose emails she just ignores anything that would benefit us in any way. Funny thing is when we say "it's been xxx weeks/months and this is our xx request for...." she claims to not check her email often blah blah. Truth is, she is just a manipulative you know what. We rarely ask her for anything and choose to do without for this reason. It simplifies things.

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                  • #10
                    I read a quote the other day that said "Strong women scare weak men"... when I really think about it, it makes total sense, especially in my situation. I use to be like you, never understood why my partner would let his ex walk all over him, why he would never stand up to her or others around him. The truth is, he is a weak man. He doesn't have a back bone and me being a strong willed woman couldn't understand that for the longest time. We use to argue about him bending over and taking it.

                    I have now realized that just because I am strong willed and wouldn't put up with that crap, he is a totally different person and no matter what I say or do, it is not going to change him. I have come to terms and have learned to bite my tongue and let him deal with the situations he sees fit. If/when he asks for my opinion, I will provide it to him, but until then, I turn and walk away and let him deal with the situations as he needs too.

                    We must realize, we can't control the other parent/ex. The more we try, the more we preach the more they dig their heels in. Be thankful this isn't a person you have to deal with and just be there when your partner needs support, even if he did bring the situation on himself.

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                    • #11
                      Most of the time he ignores her. The cheques he cancelled and replaced because they were cs. As he said to me "i did what I was supposed to, I sent it and have proof that I sent it. What she did with it is her problem." I ask these questions because I want to make sure hes following all the rules, dotting his i's etc. They WILL have to go back to court to hammer out university costs because she cant agree on anything. I just want to make sure hes being as reasonable as possible in the eyes of the court so he doesnt get burned. His reactions are much less pushover, I'M the one with the "wait lets make sure this wont burn you in court" reaction. Which is why I ask so many dumb questions about this. You guys have experience. You know what judges see as reasonable/unreasonable behaviour.

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                      • #12
                        Throughout the past 4+years of litigation with my ex I have often been asked by him to send him a copy of an Order or another document. In the past year he has asked me to send him copies of many things that his lawyer should be providing. I merely send what he requests with the knowledge that he is, indeed, a f*ck-wit.

                        Re-sending information/email is not a big deal. I'd do it graciously and without haste. You are the bigger person by doing so IMO.

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                        • #13
                          "Hand Holding"

                          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                          Seriously Rock, you need to get over the fact that your partner is a wuss. He is a wuss and his ex-wife runs/manipulates him. I am not sure what the answer is but I know you can't change people.

                          I meant to address this comment. Hes not a wuss. He plays nice because she shares everything with the kids so it was more a case of "be the better person and one day my kids will see through her bs" but since its becoming more a case of kids now treat him in the same manner as mom, he draws the line at being a doormat/pushover. He'll do whats required nothing more. He realized that by allowing this behaviour, he was showing the kids it was ok to be disrespectful. Im seeing a lot of changes in him this month. Its painful but Im pretty sure in the long run it will be better for him.

                          Last fall his oldest told him he was mean requiring mom to get receipts for medical expenses. Mean to request what is spelled out in their order. Mean to expect mom to be organized. Mean. Right. Last time I went to the dentist or eye doctor they gave me a receipt. I keep the receipts to submit to my benefits company. But now that problem is solved because they all go through FRO and she cant get away with no receipts with them. (When they were married, he managed all the paperwork, tax stuff, receipts, forms etc.)

                          Totally a shake my head situation. I like Serene's comment though-dont play the game.

                          Edited to add that up until about mid August he acted this way because his thought process was "if I do this, my kids will keep speaking to me". Then some stuff happened that proved to him being a nice guy wasnt getting him anywhere. I couldnt make him realize he was getting treated like crap for no reason, he had to get to that point. Now he has. Remember the advice you guys gave me about the holidays? He got to that place you all saw a month ago. He just needed the time to see it for himself. When he told me how he was approaching his situation going forward he warned me I would be attacked too. Im not worried, Ive been public enemy #1 for a while now. But like I said in another forum, when you stop being the villain in their fairytale, life gets so much better.
                          Last edited by rockscan; 12-10-2014, 12:15 PM.

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                          • #14
                            If she keeps this up and consistently looses receipt etc which impacts on the well being of the child and that child is actually attending college, therefore an adult. Can he not put forth the motion that he would like to pay all monies ie university receipts and dental fees directly to the young adult.

                            We paid our daughters university fees, but it was her responsibility to provide the receipt to us. When she needed the dentisit we told her to make an appointment, as she should at that age be able to manage her own time and committments and then we asked for,the receipt so we could submit to pay the bill.
                            .
                            Communicate with the children that they are young adults now therefore in all finanacial matters, with exception of CS I guess, you will require them to communicate with you. Then gather all the evidence of Moms inability to manage these things, file a motion and get it court ordered. Stop the BS and make the young adults manage things themselves.
                            Last edited by Beachnana; 12-10-2014, 12:21 PM. Reason: Spelling

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                            • #15
                              "Hand Holding"

                              He did this with d20. Ignored. So he left it. Hes asked five times now for receipts/statements etc to pay uni directly. Ignored. So he stopped. The kids ignore any of his requests. Like I said, his attitude is changing. He asks for receipts to pay expenses and move it forward quickly. Ignored.

                              Didnt realize that about filing the motion himself. But wouldnt he need the receipts? It was also a case of waiting until he found work to raise his %. He could file a motion for this year only?

                              Hes offered repeatedly to pay the school directly. Hell, getting the receipt to withdraw funds from the joint RESP took a month! That was just proof of enrollment. He has no receipt for tuition, residence or books. His lawyer told him hes done his due diligence asking both mom and kid for receipts and until they provide it, he cant do anything so leave it and leave his money in the bank gaining interest.

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