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  • Long-winded question about custody

    Hi,

    I am new here. I have a question about how custody percentage is calculated, but I guess I'll start with a brief summary of where I'm at:

    Common-law relationship with two children, now 5 and 8. We split up almost 4 years ago, and by mutual agreement settled on a custody arrangement that was 50/50. We currently live a few blocks from each other, and the kids go to a school downtown. (Oh, I'm in Montreal. I know this is a Ottawa/Ontario forum, but I'm getting to that...)

    For the past 2 years I have been living with my boyfriend. In short, the place is too small -- the kids share a small room, and there's no room for us to have our own child. The space issue, as well as a whole bunch of other factors got us to thinking about moving. We bought a house just barely over the border and into Ontario.

    My ex has become nasty about it because it will require us to change our custody schedule, which he doesn't want. He claims that it will scar them to change schools, and that he "can't live" without seeing them for more than 5 days in a row... However, he openly admitted that he would prefer they travel 3 hours a day to get in to school, despite it being stressful for them, just to make the move as difficult as possible for me, he is willing to have them change schools to be closer to his office, and recently suggested we adopt a 2 week/2 week schedule. We have been in mediation, and finally after 4 sessions of him refusing "to let me move", threatening to prevent me from leaving the province, and making all kinds of ridiculous proposals and statements, he has come around to suggesting (although I have held it was an option all along) that he keep the kids during the week, and I get them on the weekends.

    Aside from the issues I have with his ability to stay on top of the kids' school work, the daycare bills, and so on, I am concerned that this arrangement will put me below 40% custody.

    So, to the question:

    Can someone give me an idea of how exactly custody percentages are calculated? I think that since the week days he is really only with them from 6pm to 8am, that the time ought not count for a full 24 hours, whereas weekends should. What is your experience of this? As it is, I am reluctant to agree to him having them during the week because of his total lack of organization, but if I also end up with less than 40% time with them and having to pay him more $$ well, lets just say it would be enough to convince me to go to court and take my chances rather than agree in the mediation.

    Any thoughts, opinions, experience and support would be welcome.

  • #2
    Hi there

    Irrespective of how much time will he be spending with the kids in a day It will be considered a full day.If you will have the kids only for the weekends you will be for sure paying the CS to him.But regardless of the money are you mentally prepared to be a weekend mom only?.You should think of another arrangement.

    Comment


    • #3
      No, I am not prepared to become a weekend mom only. I'm not being given very much choice, except to go to court. We move in 3 months, and I can't wait for a court verdict. I would expect that since some people divide the day, that for example, the father picks them up at 5, that the custody time is counted in hours.

      Anyway, I intend to try to get as much time as possible, including ped days, spring break, friday evenings, and more time in the summer to make up for the school schedule.

      My only other option, since he is so unwilling to negotiate, is to take it to court, which I'm told is a crap-shoot at best, and especially difficult given my relocation.

      Thanks for the thought.

      Comment


      • #4
        Shouldn't you have considered all this before buying a house? If you had, you wouldn't be in this predicament.
        Sorry to be blunt, but I went through the same thing with my ex. When we split up she said she wanted to stay in our house, so I went along with it, and bought a house a few miles away so that it would be easy to co-parent our child. Within weeks of this agreement, up went the for sale sign and she announced she was moving an hour away (to her new love's stomping grounds of course) which went completely against our agreement. After researching the matter here and elsewhere, I decided I couldn't fight the move, despite our signed agreement, which I still feel is a joke. There was no way I was going to change our schedule, or move again, or change my child's school which is walking distance from my house, so now our child is subjected to an hour's commute to school on her days, which I think is ridiculous for a 5 year old. I made my moves with my child's interest in mind, she made hers with her own interests in mind.
        Moral of the story : Do what is best for your kids so they can be with BOTH their parents, and put your own wants and needs second!
        Peace,
        and good luck.

        Comment


        • #5
          tombiosis,

          interesting statement with real life experience. As you mentioned, your child attends the same school where you home is located, this in itself could construe to mean that you are your child's primary caregiver.

          lv

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          • #6
            Precisely!...Always have been, and always will be!

            Comment


            • #7
              Some time has passed, and so far things are working out ok.

              But I have to say that I came to this site looking for some support, some help, and what I got was a pretty nasty reply. I've been reading through many other posts, and I think that in general the position of people on this board is that everyone here is in a difficult situation, and let's be supportive. I was really angered and discouraged by the responses.

              I have received zero support from the non-custodial mom's support group, and obviously tombiosis seems to think I'm an evil selfish witch, as well. It's a good thing I have a measure of courage and belief that I am doing right by my kids and by my ex. Everyone else seems to think I ought to curl up in a corner and die.

              But I'd like to ask you, do you REALLY think that the parents' needs must come second all the time? I think that in many cases, if the parents' needs are not being met (within reason, and I am talking about needs, not wants) then the kids will suffer, too.

              I have always been the primary caregiver, even though we split the time with the kids 50/50. I have been the parent paying, organizing, taking them to dr appts, all that stuff. That's fine. I have always done it, even when I was with my ex. I think I do it better. My ex didn't manage to file taxes for two years in a row, and has repeatedly demonstrated his inability to be organized, remember appointments, be on time or otherwise be consistently responsible.

              My kids love their dad, and I know that despite all of his shortcomings (I know I have mine too) he loves them. I'm not trying to remove them from him, I'm trying to create a life for them which is better than living in some tiny cat-piss smelling apartment in the poor area of town, surrounded by people who do not share the values I want my kids to adopt. I am trying, given that I have the resources, to offer them an enriching experience IN ADDITION to the life and time they have with their dad. Not once, EVER, have I wanted or tried to get full custody. I have only wanted to have 50/50, but in a way that would allow me to have the life I want as well.

              The best interests of the kids does NOT mean putting life on hold to live in the same s$&^* hole as their father because "access to both parents" is the only need kids have in life. I'm not convinced that it is even the primary need. Access, even 50/50, can happen in many ways. An hours' drive is not the end of the world. Both parents need to look at the kids' needs objectively.

              My wanting to continue with life and not be restricted by my ex's selfishness, does not make me a horrid person. I think parenting requires an equal measure of compromising selfish desires to do what the kids need, and following one's dreams.
              If I don't show my kids the courage to go after what I want and the "impossible", who will? I firmly believe that a part of being a kid is learning to roll with the punches. Parents move. Even in two-parent households. Families move. Kids go along with the ride.

              A key ingredient in happy kids is having happy parents. Happy parents are not the ones chained and restricted to a poor and unhealthy environment "for the sake of the kids." Parents who can adjust and are willing to compromise (within limits) to provide their kids with a good, full, and educational childhood are good parents. Parents who show that life is full of variety and options are good parents.

              Parents who say "I won't agree to a change in the schedule because I don't want the kids interfering with my weekends off" or "how dare you do this TO ME" are thinking only of themselves and what is most convenient for them.

              All that said, after an awful series of mediation sessions in which my ex would alternately stare blankly at the mediator and say "I don't know, I just can't think right now" and yell at me for "doing this to him", we managed to come to an arrangement which I believe is in the best interests of the kids. We're giving it a go, with the understanding that we will review it and modify the agreement if things don't work out well for the kids.

              I have the kids Friday-Monday. Except one weekend a month. I also get ped days and a little more than half the holidays, plus 50% of the summer time. This puts me at just about 50/50. I work downtown, an hour from my home, 5 blocks from their school, and 15 minutes from their dad's house. I have easy access to them even if it is not my day. I can participate in school activities, and obviously I recognize that if they were at school close to my home, neither of us would have that ability. The kids do not have to suffer the long early drive to get to school more than once a week. They do not have to change schools. (like changing schools would ruin them, but yes, less upheaval is better.)

              I get to spend quality time with them, I still pay 50% of everything. I actually pay $400 a year in child support, although now instead of paying all the day care costs, I only pay half, so surprisingly, I'm carrying less financial burden. The money was never a real factor in the decision, but I know my ex was hoping to get $400 a month in child support, which he thought would allow him to move into a better apartment. We both earn the same $ and we have just about 50/50 custody time.

              His only attempt at "negotiating" was to suggest that rather than me move to the country where we would have a good sized house, fresh air, and so on, that we instead buy a duplex downtown, with my ex, which would permit the kids to see both of us all the time. (And most importantly, allow him joint ownership in a property which he would never be able to afford on his own.) In fact, why don't I just move back in with him? Wouldn't that be in the best interests of the kids? That mommy and daddy live together again?

              I'm hoping that not everyone on this forum is going to be as nasty. I'm hoping that I can post here and receive input on my situation that is tactfully critical where necessary, but supportive as well.

              Thanks,
              MommaFish

              Comment


              • #8
                Welcome to the forum.
                Sorry your first experience was not a good one.
                I think that "tombiosis" was just telling it like he sees it, relative to his experiences.
                I like that about this site, they are very helpful, but also very blunt. At this time, you don't want people sugar coating things.

                The reality is, that if he took you to court he could stay your move or alternately he would win a child support claim plus the costs for extra things like day care, etc.

                That's the reality, harsh or not.
                I do not think a one hour commute between parents is all that big of a deal, my husband travelled 6 hours one way to pick up his daughter Friday and returned home to spend Saturday with her then the opposite to drop her off on Sunday. He should have been awarded some help with the distance, but we didn't want to upset the mom any more then she already seemed to be. Then she moved 17hrs away (one way) and we fought that tooth and nail, and well, ....sigh..... he doesn’t get to see her at all now, so an hour for us would be a god sent. Anything would be great! Anyway, we live rurally and our children are on a bus for an hour travel to and from school and they are not traumatized. Sure they would prefer a short drive, but that's not always the way things work. We both have good jobs, and they want for nothing, may even be a little spoiled, but some times the parent’s do make choices the children do not exactly like, but need. But guess what? The courts do NOT think that way, in fact I think they would be hard pressed just to think like a rational person, but that’s a whole other topic for another thread.

                I feel that if you are only an hour from your ex, the children staying in the same school, and still sharing 50/50 with the ex, then there should be no CS and any extra expenses out of the ordinary relative to the section 7 of the family laws, should be split relative to income. Seeing as you said that you pretty much have an equal income then a 50/50 split of extra-ordinary expenses seems acceptable.


                Hope this sheds some light where you need it!
                FL

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