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  • First Child Support Payment

    Well I made my first child support payment yesterday.

    We agreed that it would be done via "Email Money Transfer". I sent her the money and then the shit storm started, anyone shocked...not me.

    First the payment went to her junk mail. Then she complained she didn't have a computer. Then her iPhone wouldn't show the link as clickable. Then she couldn't cash it because of something with the bank.

    I got threatened with FRO on the first day of the first payment. 15 emails ensued. I just told her I sent her the money via our agreed upon method, I even sent her a screen shot of my online banking showing the payment and told her that her technology and other issues are not my concern.

    I got the email from the bank that it had been accepted this morning.

    OH JOY....

    On a side note it would be interesting to see what she would post here if she was a member being on the opposite side of things.

  • #2
    Originally posted by FB_ View Post
    OH JOY....

    On a side note it would be interesting to see what she would post here if she was a member being on the opposite side of things.

    I wouldn't worry too much about this - it being the first time and all. Once a regular routine has been established concerning your CS, both of you will be able to calm down. The important thing is the children will be taken care of

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      Well I made my first child support payment yesterday.

      We agreed that it would be done via "Email Money Transfer". I sent her the money and then the shit storm started, anyone shocked...not me.
      Just do a bank-to-bank transfer that is the standard way to do it. To do this you would need the bank account information - basically a voided check. You can always bank with the same institute... That makes it dead simple and something you can do right online too. No service charges for the transfer generally and you can set it up to be automatic on the first of the month.

      Surprised you didn't get any lamenting on the processing fee charge for the email money transfer.

      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      First the payment went to her junk mail. Then she complained she didn't have a computer. Then her iPhone wouldn't show the link as clickable. Then she couldn't cash it because of something with the bank.
      Resolution:

      1. She should get a computer or a tablet at minimum.

      2. She can use her iPhone to tether her internet connection to the computer / touch pad. (All iPhones have a data plan. It is always interesting to see when parents lament that they have no internet connection in a court room and the opposing counsel asks them if they own an iPhone and explain this basic fact to a justice.) In the year 2013 the quickest way to look stupid before a justice is to say you have no internet connection and then have to hold up your iPhone... I have seen this done 3 times now in a court room when someone is lamenting about having to use email / our family wizard...

      3. She can use a friend's computer and internet access. Or go to the library to "get er' done". Reality check for the other parent in your matter, once the transaction is executed the money is no longer in your power and control. Your deed is done and child support is technically paid. If she can't get access to the internet in the year 2013... One would question her sanity possibly...

      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      I got threatened with FRO on the first day of the first payment. 15 emails ensued. I just told her I sent her the money via our agreed upon method, I even sent her a screen shot of my online banking showing the payment and told her that her technology and other issues are not my concern.
      Exactly. Furthermore, the lag time I am hearing on FRO is 6 months... If she wants to wait 6 months to get the money that is her choice - a bad choice in my opinion.

      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
      I got the email from the bank that it had been accepted this morning.

      OH JOY....

      On a side note it would be interesting to see what she would post here if she was a member being on the opposite side of things.
      Well, that would be hard to contemplate. Apparently your ex is the only person who has an iPhone without a data plan and internet access? You have to have some sort of device, say like an iPhone, that has access to the internet to connect to this site and lament about not having access to the internet...



      Good Luck!
      Tayken

      Comment


      • #4
        I will look into the auto transfer (EFT), I thought that service was for business banking only.

        I work for a bank and don't pay fees so sending the money via EMT doesn't cost me a thing. They are also free to accept.

        She does have a data plan but tells me it's not a lot. She has told me in the past that she only does it on wifi when at home. Not sure why she has wifi at home and no computer. But I don't really care. Her posting one photo to FB is more data than all the email I could send her in a month.

        Thanks

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by FB_ View Post
          I will look into the auto transfer (EFT), I thought that service was for business banking only.

          I work for a bank and don't pay fees so sending the money via EMT doesn't cost me a thing. They are also free to accept.
          To avoid the complexity just simply open a no fee checking account with the same financial institute (e.g. if she banks with RBC/TD/CIBC and you don't just open an account with them, transfer the money there and do a transfer to her account) if you have issues with an electronic funds transfer (EFT).

          You will need a void check from her to do it... Or if you have another check for the account, you can use that... Of course that will piss her right off if you do that and advise her the money is in her account. One thing highly conflicted people don't realize is that all the information is on any check they give out to any member of the public to do this... Explaining this fact to someone who is high conflict will probably result in 15 other emails and a threat of criminal charges against you for "violating their privacy" etc... So tread lightly on doing that.

          Originally posted by FB_ View Post
          She does have a data plan but tells me it's not a lot. She has told me in the past that she only does it on wifi when at home. Not sure why she has wifi at home and no computer. But I don't really care. Her posting one photo to FB is more data than all the email I could send her in a month.

          Thanks
          The challenge is that logic, ration and reason like you are stating is not the operating model for a highly conflicted person though. They often feel like everyone is "controlling" them generally and in your case - you are "controlling" them by being logical. They will even try to argue that using logic to argue a point is "abusive". No joke. They even list this on the "advice" they give out at "domestic violence" websites...

          An Immodest Proposal: Domestic Violence Groups Claim the Use of Logic by Men is Abuse | Shrink4Men

          I suppose asking (or begging) someone who muddles her way through life using intractable and convoluted emotional reasoning to focus on the facts may feel like torture to the emotional reasoner, but I disagree. It’s is far more abusive to gaslight and browbeat your partner into submitting to one’s distorted unreality and non-stop feeling states that often have very little to do with reality. Respectfully asking an emotional reasoner to develop and use critical thinking skills is a noble, if not futile, enterprise. It certainly isn’t abusive.
          Good Luck!
          Tayken

          Comment


          • #6
            We both currently bank with the same institute. I have already sent my financial adviser an email asking about the option of EFT's

            Funny enough just this morning someone said to me. She can't do that it says in your agreement, and that wouldn't make any sense. I said to him there is your problem you are using logic to try and decipher what an illogical person is doing.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by FB_ View Post
              I will look into the auto transfer (EFT), I thought that service was for business banking only.

              I work for a bank and don't pay fees so sending the money via EMT doesn't cost me a thing. They are also free to accept.

              She does have a data plan but tells me it's not a lot. She has told me in the past that she only does it on wifi when at home. Not sure why she has wifi at home and no computer. But I don't really care. Her posting one photo to FB is more data than all the email I could send her in a month.

              Thanks
              We tried this, and you are correct, the banks said they would only do this for business accounts.

              As Tayken noted above, my bank - TD Canada Trust - said that they would do this between accounts if both were at the TD.

              There still ended up being issues and on the whole, despite problems others have with FRO, I often think that route would be better.

              There is a psychological issue when payments require physical tasks, whether it is writing/depositing a physical cheque or using email transfer. We end up running through the entire divorce process in our heads again.

              When institutions take care of all the work, and the money is just periodically "there" and "not there," it removes that element. We can ignore it. The divorce fades into history.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by FB_ View Post
                We both currently bank with the same institute. I have already sent my financial adviser an email asking about the option of EFT's

                Funny enough just this morning someone said to me. She can't do that it says in your agreement, and that wouldn't make any sense. I said to him there is your problem you are using logic to try and decipher what an illogical person is doing.
                Here is the unfortunate thing, and I have run into this time after time: It says a lot of things in our agreement. She ignores a substantial portion of them. If I am not prepared to go to court over them, there is nothing I can do.

                I am supposed to turn over receipts for prescription drugs, eyeglasses, etc. for our children to her, and she is to reimburse me for the cost. I turn over the receipts, she keeps the money. I am not going to go to court over $350. I no longer give her the receipts, I just pay and shrug. (My health plan doesn't cover the kids, long story.)

                She didn't send the kids over last Father's day. Should I sue her? Rather, next year I will make more certain plans with the kids beforehand.

                All kinds of things like that. My advice is not to write in complicated stuff into separation agreements. Keep it simple. Have switchovers happen according to who picks up the kids after school, don't rely on the ex to drop them off to you, or to be home when you have to drop them off. Have everything be like that, so that it runs itself, and doesn't required detailed co-operation, because that co-operation won't be there.

                Comment


                • #9
                  My personal banker has confirmed that EFT is not an option and we both bank at the same institution.

                  Her response was Email Money Transfer or Manual Deposit.

                  I'll stick with EMT.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    Here is the unfortunate thing, and I have run into this time after time: It says a lot of things in our agreement. She ignores a substantial portion of them. If I am not prepared to go to court over them, there is nothing I can do.

                    I am supposed to turn over receipts for prescription drugs, eyeglasses, etc. for our children to her, and she is to reimburse me for the cost. I turn over the receipts, she keeps the money. I am not going to go to court over $350. I no longer give her the receipts, I just pay and shrug. (My health plan doesn't cover the kids, long story.)

                    She didn't send the kids over last Father's day. Should I sue her? Rather, next year I will make more certain plans with the kids beforehand.

                    All kinds of things like that. My advice is not to write in complicated stuff into separation agreements. Keep it simple. Have switchovers happen according to who picks up the kids after school, don't rely on the ex to drop them off to you, or to be home when you have to drop them off. Have everything be like that, so that it runs itself, and doesn't required detailed co-operation, because that co-operation won't be there.
                    I keep telling people I know this including my parents. They seem shocked that someone would not follow an agreement. I just explain to them that I have to pick my battles, apply as much leverage as I can. Then the next option is court. However after what I have been through I feel much more confident to go the self represented route for any smaller issues in the future.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      No matter which "method" you choose to use, she will pick fights over it, if she wants to. So just use, whatever method is the most convenient for you, and causes *you* the least trouble.

                      We all know Interac email money transfers are "easy peasy", for most anyone. It's a good way to "send it, and forget about it". Once it's sent, you are no longer involved. If she wants to make it complicated, let her complicate it, for herself.

                      FYI, I have used "many methods" of payment, during the last few years, and each and every one of them, have been an issue for my ex. When we first started this, right after court a few years ago, I used to pay via the Postal/bank "money orders" method, thinking I had to have a paper receipt in some official capacity. I didn't do that for long, because the ex always demanded it that very day. I would get harassing phone calls/emails at work, first thing in the morning. For some reason, the ex always had to do "emergency grocery shopping" or "buy diapers - I'm all out!" first thing in the morning, each child support day, and if I wasn't leaving work and rushing that payment over right then and there, I was a "bad Dad". What kind of Dad will interfere with buying diapers for their child? Of course she could never pick it up, because she is vehicle-less, and delivering to her support was "my job", as I'm the "payor". (her thinking)

                      I switched to the in-bank funds transfers, after I had to bug her for her account info. That became problematic, because I always had to make the physical trip to a bank (too much of a chore, when the bank was busy at lunch or something), to do this, and it left the ex still complaining if I wasn't rushing to bank.

                      When I brought up the email money transfers idea to her, she was against it, for the same reasons as your ex, saying she had no Internet. But she did have it, on her phone. (she also has it at the community centre a block down her street). She said she wouldn't be using it, as she doesn't have time to check emails. I just started using it after telling her that is the method I would be using, and told her if she wanted her funds, they would be available via that method. For awhile, she was accepting them a day or two later, and then complaining I was sending them late, trying to say there was a pattern of "late" payments from me. I explained to her, that each transfer showed when I made the payment, and her accepting the transfers at later dates, was of her choosing, and not indicative of "late payments".

                      She would then later complain, when the email money transfers were not made first thing in the morning on the day she figured was my pay day (just like she used to with the physical money orders).

                      I ignored that, and simply kept using the email money transfers, and figure my involvement is done, once I click "send".

                      See my very first paragraph again. :-)
                      You could have the bank manager show up at your ex's door, in a limo, and hand deliver stacks of cash, and your ex will still complain, if they want to.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
                        You could have the bank manager show up at your ex's door, in a limo, and hand deliver stacks of cash, and your ex will still complain, if they want to.
                        Lol

                        This is so true.

                        Thanks for sharing your great story.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          For 17.5 years, it's been post-dated cheques, delivered 12 on an annual basis. Neither one of us have ever had an issue, and there is no communication.
                          Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
                            For 17.5 years, it's been post-dated cheques, delivered 12 on an annual basis. Neither one of us have ever had an issue, and there is no communication.
                            She would complain about the HOLD funds placed on a cheque and having to go to the bank.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              IMO, it's a non-issue . You have it explicitly stated in your agreement, you did what you were supposed to do. It isn't your problem if she has issues on her end - that's for her to work out.

                              Stop letting her make her problems YOUR problems!

                              Comment

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