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  • #16
    what difference does it make where the kids are living, with either parent (in this case a mere 3 houses apart) for them to visit their friends?

    I guess I'm missing something.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by whyme? View Post
      we are currently living 3 houses apart on the same street until matrimonial home is sold. The kids get together with their neighbourhood and school friends as they always have, regardless of which parent they are with. It is with my friends' kids that the weekend get-togethers of the kids can't happen. This is primarily my biggest issue - us three guys can get together on the odd weeknight but getting the kids together on weekends is impossible.

      I just am struggling with why she is being so difficult here. I noted the issue 3 weeks into our separation and have asked regularly and never got more than a "No - I don't think that's what I want to do...maybe in the future". It is in the kids best interest and, admittedly, mine. I can tell you I am not the one whose actions precipitated this separation...

      I think you're kind of stuck. Your schedule says what it says, you both agreed to it when you separated, but now you find out that it's not working out so well for you. If you've asked your ex if she's willing to switch, and she says no, I think that's where the matter rests.The reason you give for wanting the switch (so you can be on the same kid schedule as your buddies) doesn't strike me as compelling enough to warrant pursuing this with legal means. The only other possibility might be some form of mediation, but again, there's no compelling reason why your ex should agree with you.

      Kid schedules can be a hassle - I have 50/50 and because my ex is absolutely inflexible about switching weeks or days (unless the idea comes from him), I've missed out on work opportunities and my social life has become complicated. But it is what it is. I have the right to ask my ex to be flexible, he has the right to refuse, even looks to me like he is just being difficult.

      Like arabian says, this shouldn't be too difficult to resolve. If you want to get together with your friends for boys' night when you have kids, get a babysitter. If your kids want to play with your friends' kids on weekends with you, why not invite the friends' kids over (whether or not the friends' kids are with Dad or Mom - surely you can negotiate a kid playdate with your friends' exes)?
      Last edited by stripes; 02-23-2015, 02:44 PM. Reason: grammar

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      • #18
        It didn't take much for me to understand what he is getting at: He wants to change the custody schedule so that his kids can spend more time hanging out with the kids of his friends.

        I agree that this isn't a sufficient reason enough to compel a change to a schedule, but I think it's admirable that he wants to give his kids more time with their friends. I also agree that if it is that important to him, he should bite the bullet and give up a whole week if that is what his ex's condition is.

        It is unfortunate that the first thing some people assumed was that he was trying to get more party time with his buddies, or that he was afraid of having to spend time alone with his kids. Some more careful reading and objective questions to clarify would have went a long way on this one.

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        • #19
          I think it is admirable when someone is honest about things and there certainly is no shame in wanting to have regular play time with friends.

          Perhaps more careful reading on your part Straittohell and you would see that I specifically made note that my comments were meant in jest. Interesting that you are so very touchy about this.

          So as to say clearly (so Straittohelll can better understand) - what are the logistical problems in this situation when mom and dad live a mere 3 houses away from one another?

          He wants to have the same schedule as his other divorced friends so their respective kids can play together while the dads are visiting together. Is that it????

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          • #20
            Arabian...

            "You don't have a signed agreement and you're ready to rock the boat with your ex to accommodate your personal play-dates? What's the problem? Afraid to spend time alone with your kids or what? [said with humour]"

            I interpreted the "humour" part to be tied to the last sentence only. Was the entire post meant to be taken in jest?

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            • #21
              I think it best to focus your critical analysis on the poster's dilemma.

              Poster would be well advised to try to negotiate something with his ex which takes both his and her schedules into consideration. Kids want lots of things but that doesn't mean they always have to get what they want. Using children to manipulate outcome is not the answer. One has to learn to negotiate with the other side - give and take.

              Failing that I'm sure there is a lawyer who will gladly take up the poster's position and fight it in court for him. He had better have a more convincing argument than kids' social calendars.

              Learning to compromise will make things easier on everyone.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by whyme? View Post
                We are 8 months into separation with an equal week on - week off access plan with a Friday 5pm transfer. I have been trying to get our weekends switched since week #3 to align with 2 of my best friend's custody schedules. Note - we do not have a parenting plan or separation agreement signed yet.Kids are 10 and 11.
                Your options are:

                1. Gain agreement with the other parent to change the access schedule; failing this
                2. Recommend a mediated solution to resolve the matter; failing this
                3. Recommend an arbitrated solution to resolve the matter; failing this
                4. Seek an order from the Superior Court of Justice.

                There are negative options that could be taken to resolve this issue but none that I would recommend.

                Originally posted by whyme? View Post
                I have proposed extending her custody through a weekend (e.g. Fri 5pm - following Mon 5pm) to allow for this switch - which would require that we have a Mon 5pm transfer day/time going forwards. My lawyer says both days and times are common.
                One thing to consider is that the other parents in your friends pool may find themselves having to change weekends. If this was say blood relatives (cousins, half-siblings, step-siblings) then your case would be easier to make.

                Originally posted by whyme? View Post
                Problem is my ex is focussed on transferring Fridays (for no apparent reason) and won't budge or offer up other ways to accomplish the weekend switch.
                The other parent isn't obligated to do anything in this matter.

                Originally posted by whyme? View Post
                I cannot figure out how to accomplish this...help!
                You accomplish anything in negotiating settlements through COMPROMISE. Some times you have to give up something to gain something else. If you are unwilling to COMPROMISE on something then you are simply asking for your own benefit with no benefit to the other party. Rarely does this kind of conduct inspire a resolution to problems like this.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  Poster would be well advised to try to negotiate something with his ex which takes both his and her schedules into consideration. Kids want lots of things but that doesn't mean they always have to get what they want. Using children to manipulate outcome is not the answer. One has to learn to negotiate with the other side - give and take.
                  Agreed and well stated. (COMPROMISE)

                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  Failing that I'm sure there is a lawyer who will gladly take up the poster's position and fight it in court for him. He had better have a more convincing argument than kids' social calendars.
                  Agreed. Short of reaching an agreement the legal route of court would not result in much "success" for the OP in this matter. Court for such an issue would not be advised.

                  Originally posted by arabian View Post
                  Learning to compromise will make things easier on everyone.
                  Agreed. As you know yourself Arabian through your own legal matters that compromise is not a word that some litigants truly understand.

                  Good Luck!
                  Tayken

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                    As you know yourself Arabian through your own legal matters that compromise is not a word that some litigants truly understand.
                    Good Luck!
                    Tayken
                    Yes some people agree to compromise and then change their minds (which is why I do not generally endorse 4-way meetings).

                    Establishing effective dispute/disagreement resolution within a separation agreement is essential. There are plenty of excellent posts on this forum regarding parenting plans where the two parties agree on a process of dispute resolution.

                    Recognizing that each side's respective opinion is valid is a good place to start. Fortunately the poster's current issue doesn't seem too serious but it should provide a heads-up for him on how the future will be if he doesn't nail down a good separation agreement.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                      It didn't take much for me to understand what he is getting at: He wants to change the custody schedule so that his kids can spend more time hanging out with the kids of his friends.

                      I agree that this isn't a sufficient reason enough to compel a change to a schedule, but I think it's admirable that he wants to give his kids more time with their friends. I also agree that if it is that important to him, he should bite the bullet and give up a whole week if that is what his ex's condition is.

                      It is unfortunate that the first thing some people assumed was that he was trying to get more party time with his buddies, or that he was afraid of having to spend time alone with his kids. Some more careful reading and objective questions to clarify would have went a long way on this one.
                      thank you - this is exactly what I was trying to get across. I know full well I could get a sitter and go out with my friends on the weekends they don't have custody but I do. That is secondary to the 6 kids that have essentially grown up together be completely split up (well the other 4 are in alignment but my 2 are always left out).

                      My ex's conditions change. First they were to split Labour day weekend (which was mine) - as a goodwill gesture I did. Got a "we'll talk about it soon" but she was not willing to actually follow through. Same thing with Thanksgiving - I split the weekend. Same result. Even agreed to split Xmas and school holidays with her. Same result. I know - shame on me. For someone who was cheated on to cause this separation I seem to have short term memory when it comes to honesty from the ex.

                      Most recently I offered to extend her week, give her our daughter's bday weekend and another in June. She agreed then backpedaled a few days later.
                      Last edited by whyme?; 02-23-2015, 05:22 PM. Reason: spelling!

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by whyme? View Post
                        thank you - this is exactly what I was trying to get across. I know full well I could get a sitter and go out with my friends on the weekends they don't have custody but I do. That is secondary to the 6 kids that have essentially grown up together be completely split up (well the other 4 are in alignment but my 2 are always left out).

                        My ex's conditions change. First they were to split Labour day weekend (which was mine) - as a goodwill gesture I did. Got a "we'll talk about it soon" but she was not willing to actually follow through. Same thing with Thanksgiving - I split the weekend. Same result. Even agreed to split Xmas and school holidays with her. Same result. I know - shame on me. For someone who was cheated on to cause this separation I seem to have short term memory when it comes to honesty from the ex.

                        Most recently I offered to extend her week, give her our daughter's bday weekend and another in June. She agreed then backpedaled a few days later.
                        You're welcome. I briefly thought about giving you a bunch of condescending advice about how you should be trying to compromise, but I rubbed a few brain cells together and figured that you had already been attempting compromise and were running into brick walls.

                        Now, that little nugget of information about your ex cheating is quite relevant. Mine cheated as well. Once she was found out, and our marriage disintegrated, she became hyper-private about everything. She didn't want any of her activities and/or priorities to come to light, lest she have to deal with more guilt and/or shame. Cheaters are also traditionally selfish people, that except something for nothing. That makes your job harder.

                        That means that whenever she is being unreasonable about a scheduling matter and failing to divulge it, there is usually a perfectly good reason behind it (to her) - she just doesn't want you to know the reason, because it is probably connected to matters that are all about her personal convenience. My ex pulls that all of the time, and it's infuriating. While her personal matters are not my business, and your ex's personal matters are not your business, it can be super frustrating to have her backpedal and change her mind seemingly without reason. Trust me, there IS a reason, but she isn't going to tell you, so I can tell you from personal experience that you need to drop that part of it.

                        So, what this means for you is that you can pretty much stop asking her "why" she won't agree to the switch, because it's just going to antagonize her and make her more difficult to deal with. You are very unlikely to go through the courts to fix this, because you seem like a pretty rational guy, so here is my advice:

                        You need to bide your time, and wait for when she needs a favour or some kind of flexibility whether it be with a schedule, or getting your permission for something. The first time that she comes to you looking for something, tell her that you will be happy to consider it, but that she first needs to help devise a solution to the problem. Let her know that you will only be flexible with her if she is flexible with you. Do NOT engage on her reasons for not budging in the first place, that is a non-starter. Keep the focus on the negotiation, and on getting something in writing.

                        Be prepared to give up a whole week if she demands it. I've had similar negotiations with my ex, and if something like this is that important to you, then you need to be prepared to make that sacrifice.

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                        • #27
                          Adultery is grounds for divorce. Interesting that few pursue it because we certainly hear of lots of adultery being the cause of relationships ending. Is adultery really relevant to things going forward in your situation? You have to deal with this person likely for the rest of your life. You'd be best to try to focus on a separation agreement that has a clause in it on how to resolve your disagreements. Advising someone to establish clear, concise dispute resolution is not condescending, rather it is practical.

                          Opting to live close to one's ex can be a good situation for the kids if everyone knows and respects each other's boundaries. Your ex might very well be receiving advice to stick to the current schedule. I do agree with Straittohell to not quiz your ex on "why" she will not agree to your request and to get everything in writing - we merely say it in a different way.

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