Odd question - kid's expressions of affection and "I love you"

[stripes]

I've got kind of an odd parenting question which I'm a little embarrassed to bring up, but thought I would ask this experienced group:

Did your kids go through a phase where they didn't want to say "I love you"? Since D8 has become D9, she's become noticeably less affectionate. She'll put up with being hugged, but isn't demonstrative herself. I tell her I love her several times a day, but what I get back now is mainly silence (or the occasional "me too"). I should stress that there are no behavioral issues, she's cheerful and energetic and fun to be around, we do a lot of activities together and enjoy each other's company. She's quite mature and socially adept - her friends' parents actually ask me if she can sleep over, because they think she's a good influence on their own Ds. I should also stress that I don't put pressure on her - I'll tell her I love her a million times, but I don't push her to tell me the same.

She went though a phase of being very clingy and affectionate a year or so ago, after her father remarried and she wasn't too happy with the transition. Things have stabilized a lot since then, and she's become more independent from me, which is overall a good thing.

This is my only kid, so I don't have expertise, and don't have many friends with kids around this age, so I'm not sure how common this backing-off is. It could be the early start of adolescent independence, but I'd be interested in hearing from other people who share custody how they interpret behavior changes like this in their kid. Unfortunately, the situation with the ex is not such that I can email him and say, hey, I've noticed this going on with Kid, what do you think?

[Janibel]

I'm not in a shared custody situation but I do recall that when my son was a preteen he went through a sudden, independent stage ... would actually get cheesed off whenever I got too affectionate and seemed a million miles away whenever I told him I loved him (at least 3-4 times a day).

I could not for the life of me figure out what was going on with him? Long story short, it was just a phase. Now he's 26 all grown up and vaccinated lol! He's very affectionate and I get plenty of "love ya mom" ...

Don't worry, this will pass.

[BitHunter]

Even if you don't have another child, you were a child at one point right?

What your daughter does is completely normal. She is trying her wings at independence. As you said, she is mature to her age, so this phase came earlier than for most of the kids. Now stop telling her that often that you like her, just show her that you like her by approving and helping her independence.

[rockscan]

My niece went through this right at the age of 9. The hard part was that she wasnt affectionate with her mom (my sister) but was super affectionate with me and my brothers gf (her aunts). It broke my sisters heart. My niece finally told her mom that it was weird to hug and kiss your mom or hold her hand etc but "aunts are cool". She did it for a few months and then started to come around with the hugging or being mildly affectionate in public. Its absolutely an age thing and also a kid thing. My younger niece is still very affectionate at 14. Try to find ways to gather the affection either in private (hug goodbye where other kids cant see) or think of other ways to show affection. I think my sister ended up coming up with a funny handshake and term between them that meant "I love you" so they both knew the other was ok. After about two years she relaxed back into being mildly affectionate again and I talked to her about being affectionate with me but not her mom. I hated that her affection toward me was hurting my sisters feeling but it was absolutely a phase that she needed to get through.

Remember too, girls start getting teased and bullied and treated badly by peers at 9-10 so she might be trying to modify behaviours she sees as "uncool".

[HappyMomma]

My guess is that it's normal.

Have you ever heard of the book The 5 Love Languages? It talks about 5 different ways people show/feel love. There is one for parents/kids as well. Maybe your daughter needs it shown in a different way right now. Anyway, can't hurt right?

[LovingFather32]

Don't sweat it. Very normal at this stage. Kids are entering the "cool" phase. I have a friend who went though the exact same thing with her D9. She's discovering her identity and right now her identity is to relate to peers. In order to do that she has to be "cool". Some "swagger" if you will.

Just because she doesn't say it doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.

My friends daughter surpassed this stage. Your daughter will as well. I wouldn't pressure her to say it. Just smile and be cognizant that it's just a stage of development that some preteens go through.

[HammerDad]

My daughter has never really been affectionate with me, especially when my ex is around. She is also 9.

I find my daughter is somewhat shy with me when it comes to affection. She will give me a hug or lean on me when it is quiet and we are watching a movie or something. Otherwise, she gives me grief and the usual "dad!! You're embarrassing me!", which I live for.

[stripes]

HappyMomma, thanks for the book suggestion. I've heard people say The Five Love Languages was really insightful for adult relationships, will look for the one about parents/kids at the library.

Thanks everyone else (rockscam, Janibel, LF, etc) for the reassurance that kids do this. Some of this is my own issue - I came from a family that was extremely emotionally shut-down, no one ever expressed positive feelings towards anyone else, and I was determined things would be different when I was a parent myself. So when the cuddly little girl shows signs of becoming a more standoffish tween, part of me worries this is history repeating itself. However, this is all my own baggage and nothing to do with D9, who is a happy, well-adjusted and friendly kid.

[stripes]

My daughter has never really been affectionate with me, especially when my ex is around. She is also 9.

I find my daughter is somewhat shy with me when it comes to affection. She will give me a hug or lean on me when it is quiet and we are watching a movie or something. Otherwise, she gives me grief and the usual "dad!! You're embarrassing me!", which I live for.

^^^ Same here! I sometimes end up with Kid draped half over me if we're watching a movie, which is great.