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  • Change in custody agreement?

    When my X and I split up a year ago I agreed to 50-50 custody. I agreed to his suggestion of 2-2-3 rotating days with our daughter. (I get her 2 days, he gets her 2 days, I get her 3 days, then we switch.) At the time I was advised that wasn't the way things are normally done and "they" usually prefer week on/week off or weekends as the division of time. But I agreed with my X that long time between seeing the other parent might be hard on a 2 year old.

    However now my daughter is due to start JK in September. While we live fairly close together I believe the week on/week off would be better and provide her more stability. I don't like the idea of her not fully understanding to who's house she will be going to that night (and I doubt the school would be able to keep our timetable straight). Granted, she's too young to be walking home on her own but I feel it's still a saftey concern that she won't be able to communicate that tonight she's at Dad's or Mom's. I also feel it would be better for her not to be lugging homework and such back an forth through out the week and again, just give her more time to get accustom to the patterns of one household before switching back to the other. Overall, I think at 4 she's old enough, and has been dealling with the back and forth long enough, that a week away from one parent won't cause her any undue stress (although I may be missing her mid-week, but that can be solved with dinner/lunch with the other parent on Wed or something.)

    My concern is the X disagree's with me. (As a rule he disagrees with anything I suggest and always makes it out like I don't want to see my daughter - between you and me he's not too bright since it's the exactly the same amount of days.)

    So,
    Is this a material change?
    Should I even bother taking this to court or would a judge just think I'm being petty since I'm not changing the amount of time, just the duration?
    Am I over-reacting? Is the week on/week the preferred method or should I just leave things alone?

  • #2
    I would consider keeping things as they are for now and seeing how it works out.

    I see that you are anticipating that there will be a problem but it's not broken yet so give it a try on the status quo. Have a Plan B set up with your not too bright ex if things don't go well.

    Comment


    • #3
      Each to their own.

      My schedule (3 kids, youngest 8, 1 dog!) is Mon/Tues with dad, Wed/Thurs with mom, alternate Fri/Sat/Sun.

      I would never agree to week on/week off - to me this truly is divided parenting - I'm the parent this week, you next, which to me lacks consistency for the kids. But with my schedule I feel that I see the kids all the time, can keep up with what is going on in their lives etc. Not having your kids for 1 week sounds awful for me (and them).

      As for school - not their job to know who is picking up (other than it is one of you), or where the child is going - week on/week off even is too much for them to keep track of and who cares anyway.

      I like my schedule because the kids know during the week where they are, and for weekends it alternates, which is predictable enough. Every other week I have my kids up to 5 solid days in a row, which allows me to plan things with them, and also every other week I am without them 5 days in a row, which allows me to plan things for me. Also, there is no confusion as to who does what during the week.

      Works for me, we have been doing this for four years and all is good.

      As for the court - I don't see that they would order a change, they don't like changes, and I don't see you have a compelling reason for it.
      Last edited by billm; 02-20-2011, 05:09 PM.

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      • #4
        We have had a schedule of basicly 2 days/ 2 days with my youngest since we split when he was 3. He is now 6 so I can give you some information on this. He is fine.

        You should have the schedule written out and provide it to the school, make sure the teacher and the principal and the secretary all have a copy and understand what is going on. It will take them no time at all to start expecting each of you for 2 days at a time.

        For your child, each morning you say to your child "I'll be picking you up tonight" or "Daddy will be picking you up tonight, it's his turn".

        I also have an older child, my daughter was 11 when we split and is 14 now. For her, she appreciates longer time at each house and feeling she has a "base" where all her stuff his. Even so, she has been happy with a 2 day/ 2 day schedule, but would be fine I think with week on/ week off as well. The youngest would miss either parent too much if he didn't see us every couple of days. He has no problem adjusting to the other house. Sometimes he would prefer not to switch because he is busy with one set of toys, etc. We just calmly and firmly assert that it is time to go and he is fine when he gets to the other house. Most of our switches are during the school week, one parent drops off and the other parent picks up. These are perfectly smooth. Again, we tell him in the morning where he is going that evening.

        As to whether it's a "material change", the courts would certainly state that the change is not unexpected and that the original agreement should have been made with the understanding that the child would go to school.

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        • #5
          I'd be very frustrated with the 7-7 schedule because you'd never be able to sign up your kids for afterschool activities - you could only attend every 2nd week (unless you can agree with your ex on these activities).

          With the school, should be fairly easy - they know Mon Tues you are picking up, Weds Thurs your ex is picking up, and Friday alternates.

          Comment


          • #6
            I thank everyone for their input but to be clear our original agreement isn't as simple as you guys are putting it. 2-2-3 means I have Mon Tues then Fri Sat Sun week 1 then Wed Thurs week 2. So Monday this week Mom's picking her up but next Monday it's dad. It's never the same days every week but rather every other week. The fact that no one in this thread has understood that sort of underlines my point.

            And it was my understanding that most 50/50 agreements are the week on/week off because it was better for the kid. That was all I wanted. After school wouldn't suffer because we both have to agree anyway (because this Tuesday I have her but next Tuesday he would, for example).

            To get him to change to what you guys mention above (Mon Tues you are picking up, Weds Thurs your ex is picking up, and Friday alternates) would probably get me the same response from him because it's my idea.

            I only want what's best for her and give her the most stability while she's going to school. At the same time I'm not going to waste my time at something I have no chance of winning.<!-- / message -->

            Comment


            • #7
              The people who responded to you have a combined 6,400 posts and around 10 years on this board.

              I think I can speak for all of us. We understand the parenting schedule you outlined. We've all seen that before.

              Comment


              • #8
                If you continue your current schedule and find it's not working for her, then why don't you try proposing a few different options to change things up and let choose another option to try with the agreement to review in X amount of time - or sooner if things are going very badly.

                I get that he will likely reject whatever you suggest because of the current of your relationship, so providing different ideas and actually collaborating with him to come up with a suitable schedule is best. At the same time, I agree that you should try to continue with your current schedule until it proves itself to be not working.

                Comment


                • #9
                  There are some reports that say that a child should not be away from either parent any longer then they are old to create a strong bond. So, it they are 2, then only 2 days, etc.

                  We had tried the 2-2-3 schedule in grade one and found that it was harder to maintain during with school and affected my son negatively as he would get confused/upset as to who he was to be with. He had a hard time adjusting and would cry about having to change, "I don't want to go to Mom's". I would assume he did the same at hers but she would never tell me that. As each story is different, I think each child will be different, so you need to see how it goes and change if it's not working.

                  When my ex and I went to our first case conference, the Judge changed the schedule from 2-2-3 to alternating weeks with a switch day over night either monday or tuesday for the non-custodial parent. Maybe suggest something like this? This schedule works well not that my ex and I have agreed that the permanent switch days it Tuesday. Now that he is a bit older (7), he has no problem with his schedule.
                  Last edited by Pharah; 02-21-2011, 10:07 AM.

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                  • #10
                    I see your problem, as it is similar to what I went through. Ex wanted to try week to week when child was 3.5. I agreed to get consent on other things. Well, it was to long. Child missed both parents, there was no possibility of phone communication and I ended up visiting her at lunch every Tuesday on her dad's week.

                    We went through OCL and they agreed with me that it was too long. They recommended the 2-2-3 schedule but I brought up the issue with extra curriculars not working with that schedule. He then suggested that on parent take M,T and the other W,TH and alternate weekend.

                    It's accepted now, and inplace for about a month. Is working well. My daughter is still a little confused and continues to ask who is picking her up, but it's not really any different than before. 5 days is the longest I go without seeing her, which is the longest I think either of us could handle.

                    I think proposing a few options is your best bet. My ex wouldn't go for anything I suggested either. But maybe if you can explain how it will help the kids he might try.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by billm View Post
                      Every other week I have my kids up to 5 solid days in a row, which allows me to plan things with them, and also every other week I am without them 5 days in a row, which allows me to plan things for me.
                      That sounds like a dream. Right now I have the kids 7 days in a row one week, then 7 days in a row the next week, then 7 days in a row the next week ....

                      This schedule certainly allows plenty of time for planning things with them, but not so much for me. Actually, none at all for me.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Good on you happy_dad for taking on the responsibility. I hope you have a good support system. Everyone needs a break now and again.

                        You have parents or friends that help out?

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by happy_dad View Post
                          That sounds like a dream. Right now I have the kids 7 days in a row one week, then 7 days in a row the next week, then 7 days in a row the next week ....
                          Your post made me lol. That certainly simplifies exchange arrangements though!

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                            Your post made me lol. That certainly simplifies exchange arrangements though!
                            I'm glad I made you chuckle. I do feel fortunate not to have to worry about exchange arrangements or any of that, but it does get a bit overwhelming. A little break now and then would be nice but that just does not appear to be in the cards anytime soon. Pharah, I do not have any family around to help but I do have some friends that look after my youngest for part of the day so I can go to work (she is still too young for school).

                            Getting back on topic, I really do think that 2+2+alternate weekends sounds ideal for a 50/50 split. The revolving 2-2-3 sounds like it would be confusing for everyone involved, and I also agree that alternating full weeks would be too long an interval. These are just my impressions, as I don't have any real experience with either.

                            Comment

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