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Christmas Eve - WWYD?

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  • #16
    For everyone breathlessly watching this thread - got word from ex this morning saying he doesn't want D8 on Xmas Eve, so I can go ahead and do whatever I like.

    The lessons I'm taking from this is one that I have to keep re-learning: if the ex is being difficult, often the best thing to do is to do nothing, as things may sort themselves out.

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    • #17
      The lessons I'm taking from this is one that I have to keep re-learning: if the ex is being difficult, often the best thing to do is to do nothing, as things may sort themselves out.
      I agree and I find there's an ebb and flow to this behavior. You have times where things blow-up and there's a period of problems followed by times when everything seems to be going fine.

      I often wonder if my ex starts conflict with co-parenting when he has issues in his personal life. It would parallel the way he handled stress situations in our marriage...ie. a bad day at work was brought home and unleashed on everyone in the house.

      And, of course, the holidays always involve a higher degree of stress anyway.

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      • #18
        ^^ you read my mind. When ex is under stress (which is a lot of the time), he lashes out, and I've always been a useful target. His behavior swings between classic high-conflict crap and reasonable co-parenting, with lots of stops in between. Very unpredictable. At least he takes it out on me and not on D8.

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        • #19
          At least he takes it out on me and not on D8.
          Yea, I have the opposite problem...he unleashes on our kid. It sucks.

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          • #20
            I'm glad things worked out.
            I too know exactly when my stbx is especially stressed because HIS entire household gets the mistreated & I usually get a phone call about something I have zero control over. I'm someone to lash out at. Nice thing is though is that it doesn't bother me anymore.

            Pursuing, I know it sucks. It's exactly why my 13yr old daughter now "has a vote in the decision process of access". She doesn't WANT or HAVE to take it either.

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            • #21
              Pursuing, I know it sucks. It's exactly why my 13yr old daughter now "has a vote in the decision process of access". She doesn't WANT or HAVE to take it either.
              I've allowed my D on one occasion to not go to her father's on his access day. Other things I've "strongly encouraged" her to go when she doesn't want to. On this occasion, I sent him a note explaining that she didn't want to go because of a huge (abusive) blow-up on his part and telling him that I would keep her for that day to let the situation diffuse and give him a makeup day later. I also explained that she barely made it to school that particular day because she was so uncharacteristically upset that she cried the whole morning....when she got to my house, she was literally shaking. Apparently he yelled at her the entire night before and it continued to the next day....including name calling, etc. I know yelling a kid doesn't sound serious but I've been on the receiving end of these hours-long tirades and its brutal. He won't let you retreat to your room...he'll follow you and continue non-stop.

              Rather than being introspective about this on some level. My ex then sent me a 1/2 page long email about how terrible her behavior is (which is completely not true), how she doesn't clean her room, how she's too much like me, how I'm teaching her to be a bad person, etc....followed by another 1/2 page of what a slut, bitch, liar, etc that I am and how f'ed up my judgement is for all the strange men I allow around our kid. Literally just a rage email. Took zero responsibility for anything and obviously didn't feel the need to apologize to our kid.

              I sent an email back basically re-iterating that while he's free to discipline how he sees fit at his house but maybe he should reconsider his methodology when it gets to the point that she can't function or go to school. I also told him that I consider his behavior either verbally abusive or very close to the border of it considering what she told me and its VERY rare that she opens up to me and tells me anything. She very protective of both of us and tries to keep private things between households private (even though he interrogates her about me). The only times she can't contain herself is when the situation gets so bad that she needs my help.
              I let him know that if I start suspecting verbal abuse then I have no choice but to get involved. Its my parental duty.

              I then let her know that she has some "rights" when it comes to access and explained that to her. I hadn't done that before because what I don't want is for her to get into her teenage years and be running back household to household whenever one of us tries to legitimately discipline her or impose necessary rules. Discipline is necessary and I'm really trying to walk the line. I also don't want to be a hypocrite by invading my ex's privacy and then asking for privacy on my end.

              I'm trying to take it situation by situation. Its just not easy sometimes to figure out what action to take or not take.

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              • #22
                Wow! Some of that sounds very familiar.
                I feel for you! Follow your gut. Be there for her.
                Pm you later.

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                • #23
                  I too have many parallel experiences. My 15yr old has just started to acknowledge her father again after a huge blow-up of a visitation that last August.

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