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  • #46
    Mess, you are so right. I am now legally divorced and settled everything with my x. I am so so lucky, finally the truth revealed and although I didnt get my wish list fulfilled, I have to say it was very fair.
    The sad part is the law protects me but not my adult children, and he has walked away from them. He insisted to put this in the minutes of settlement.
    They did nothing wrong, besides refusing to believe his lies. My eldest listened to him whine and complain on Dec 23 he has no money to go anywhere and on Dec. 25th he was on a plane to B.C, Sad, sad, sad.

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    • #47
      Just how many people can fit in a Subway car?

      3% is a high figure. I would think it's closer to 1%.

      And yes, Power and Money are appealling to these people. Another reason why 5 people in the same subway car with you is a little bit much.

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      • #48
        Yes, strong tendencies and i don't need to diagnose or want to -- this isn't about pointing fingers -- it's about understanding why i feel the way i do and what happens in response... honestly, i would argue if we are talking spectrum though, he is pushing past the midline leaning hard toward the "true" end.

        The Sociopath Next Door book made a lot of things clearer and i have been able to feel compassionate -- like, it isn't that he doesn't care, it is that he can't care -- and that has been helpful to me. I can back away now from trying to get him to empathize or take responsibility and i can look at my own chase to try to change his behaviours or make him care.

        All said, it has been a good week and i am grateful to my lawyer who lined up all the facts and some of them just were quite astounding -- and said: stop engaging. So i have.

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        • #49
          This site does a pretty good job of explaining with a lot of Hare's research data pointing more toward the reality that there are a lot of people who fit the description of people who fundamentally are "without conscience".

          Psychopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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          • #50
            I have a true psychopath in my family, diagnosed during a criminal trial. I can honestly say there are a LOT of parallels between him and my ex, but I am not able to easily distinguish the differences.

            Psychopaths can appear caring and thoughtful, as this family member did seem so many times. But it is during instances when "normal people" would engage compassion, empathy, or some sort of understanding and consider your feelings/position that the difference becomes clear. A true psychopath does not understand empathy, and in my experience ridiculed me, and intentionally does things to hurt people.

            What is most distrubing though is their ability to mimic remorse and appear sorry when they really aren't. The part that makes them "psycho" is the abuse of our emotions to get what they want, and not caring about the consequences.

            And that sounds a lot more like my ex than I want to admit.

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            • #51
              To best understand the relationship between Axis II disorders of the personality I highly recommend Mr. William Eddy's books and other articles:

              HCI High Conflict Speakers, Books, Consultations

              Mr. Eddy has mapped the behaviour patterns of Axis II disordered (Mostly cluster C) individuals to their behaviours in front of the court. Mr. Eddy exposes the "truisms" that many Axis II disordered (or those with "traits of") demonstrate before the court.

              It would be great if more people in their affidavit materials when raising concerns mapped their concerns directly to Mr. Eddy's well recognized work. I attended one of his sessions here in Canada and there were a number of Justices and very senior solicitors in attendance. It is not like his theories and methodologies are "unknown" in Canada per-say. There are court orders referencing his books directly in CanLII now. (Justice in Peel.)

              The courts in Canada really dislike anyone raising mental health issues but, with the recent news about the readjustment of the mental health system and significant investment into it... It demonstrates that we as a nation have not focused on the impact mental health has on our society as a whole.

              10% of the population has an Axis II disorder (Cluster A, B or C combined) and 10% of matrimonial matters go to trial... There is a reason that these two numbers match. - (Rough re-wording of something Phil Epstein said in an article. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Phil... he is one of the most senior and recognized Family Law solicitors in Ontario.)

              Much better integration of the family court system and the mental health system is needed. Section 30 and OCL just don't "investigate" the matters.

              For example... Any time anyone alledges "abuse" BOTH parties should have to have a full mental evaluation.

              1) In the instance of actual "abuse" so the "abuser" can get the appropriate help and be a better member of our society.

              2) In the instance of false allegations of "abuse" so the "psychological abuser" (the person making the false allegation in this case) can get the appropriate help and be a better member of our society.

              Family Law should be mental health focused more and the CLRA should be combined with a "Family Health Act" in some matter to address the issue. Families are one of the most important resources in Canada... More so than our oil but, we don't treat this asset properly.

              There is a reason we have a negative birth rate...

              Good Luck!
              Tayken

              Good Luck!
              Tayken

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              • #52
                Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                10% of the population has an Axis II disorder (Cluster A, B or C combined) and 10% of matrimonial matters go to trial... There is a reason that these two numbers match.
                I see the importance of this. Thank your for your (always) astute and critical information. Despite being a mental health practitioner, i was so enmeshed in the business of conflict and trying to fix and change and heal and teach (him) that i lost my way.

                I am out of the forest, or in it, but i see the trees.

                A few years ago when my former husband brought me to family court, the judge, bless her, took 9 weeks to make the judgment and "saw" this mental health issue in that, the reasons for his taking me to court were incredibly solvable through a conversation/mediation/collaboration AND through being reasonable -- he refused an incredibly generous and intelligent and mature offer from me (which was more than what the judge ruled in the end). She saw things i didn't see, she knew things i didn't know, and now i am feeling better given the trajectory life has taken him (most of the criminal activity, charges, and fraud happened after the family court trial).

                Your posts are always helpful.
                HD

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                • #53
                  I agree that actually figuring out that he is a sociopath is a positive step forward.
                  Once I realized that I wasn't imagining these things and there was something more to him that wasn't normal...it helped me set the stage for me to withdraw and protect myself.
                  And what i mean is I could make sense and act accordingly.
                  Another thing I read is that with someone like this is to watch how u cross them...as they will get u back.
                  It doesn't mean violently but they will try to ruin and wreck what they can when they can all Becuase thy were humiliated etc.
                  Ugly only gets uglier with these people.
                  Given That's my experience w one but reading more into sociopaths...that seems to be the norm.
                  Pull away gently... And count ur blessing that ur free if it goes well.

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