She's pregnant, we're separated

[Pursuinghappiness]

By the way, per the chat log you posted...I don't hear a crazy girl. I hear a sad girl who might be a bit immature.

She seems perfectly cognizant of why she's playing with dolls. She just sounds like she uses it as a crutch. I guess I don't see anything she said as a big deal. A lot of people have crutches.

Does this make her the best candidate for the mother of your child? Probably not but no 19 year old is really perfectly ready for motherhood. And I'm qualified to say this because I had a child 4 months before my 20th bday. I had a lot of help and it was tough. Parenting is a skill that takes time learn and learning emotional maturity during parenting doesn't make it easier.

Its just too bad you didn't know that she was this emotionally immature before you impregnated her but now that the ship has sailed, just see if you can make it right.

[Motorizer]

I'm not going to comment on the age disparity, because it doesn't matter.
What two consenting adults do is no ones business but their own.
Some of you are actin pretty weak.


What does matter is the impending birth of your child.
Having been dumped midway through the pregnancy, I can lend my experience.

1. Stop texting, etc.
And try to keep it to email, if possible.
It may be viewed as harassment , whether you think it is or not.
Seriously, keep it to a minimum.
Keep any messages child focused, such as inquiring after the health, or offering help with maternity stuff.
No fighting.
Regardless of what you think of her situation, keep it civil.

2. Prepare as best you can on your own.
First Aid classes, Parenting classes, all that stuff.
Some of its pointless, but looks good on ya.
Obtain appropriate housing, safety shit, etc.

As you're already a father, this might be irrelevant.
If you're already an involved parent, continue, and be able to show it.

3. Dude, get a paternity test if there's even a 0.001% chance.

4. Talk to legal counsel, do your own research, and prepare accordingly.
Your chances of sole custody are zero, so don't even bother.
Find as much as you can pertaining to your situation, be it case law, procedural stuff, child support, etc.

Shoot for 50/50 as soon as possible.
It may take a while, as a nursing baby really does need time with Mom.
But try to get as frequent visitations as possible, leading to over nights.
BM can pump if necessary, formula otherwise.

If you really want to be part of this kids life, accept the fact that you'll be co-parenting with BM for a looooong time.
So act civil, and work out as much as you can without court.
But be prepared to start filing motions if necessary.... Just tremble to pick your battles.
Some bullshit isn't worth it.

5. Get your financials together, and be prepared to pay child support.
This is a no brainer.


In short, don't be a spaz, get your shit together , and be as cool as you can be.
I know it's brutal , but these things take time.
Regardless of your opinion of BM, you have to work together.
Do it for your kid.

That's all I got for now, I just got off a 12hr shift.
Lol.

[arabian]

PH I think you are cutting this OP way too much slack.

This isn't a case of young love.

You may have been a young mother but I doubt the father of your child was 16 yrs older than you?

There is a distinct difference between being a young mother and from being a teenage who is taken advantage of by an older adult.

[Motorizer]

Arabian, you should really lay off.
What two adults do is none of your business.
I'm not condoning it, but some if your comments are way outta
line.

[arabian]

Arabian, you should really lay off.
What two adults do is none of your business.
I'm not condoning it, but some if your comments are way outta
line.

CONSENTING adults. By his own admission the girl was "childlike"


When I was 19 I used to say I was 25. When I was 16 I used to say I was 19.

This guy doesn't have any idea whatsoever how old this girl is.

I would have the very same opinion if this happened to a young man.

The OP, by his own admission, admits he felt regret and knew it was wrong after the fact.

Whatever the case, the OP has no idea whatsoever if the victim is even pregnant. He is merely going by "text" messages.

He continues to pursue her.

[FamilyGuy]

arabian, you are twisting facts and in a lot of instances just making them up. Please cease and desist. Thank you.

[Berner_Faith]

CONSENTING adults. By his own admission the girl was "childlike"


When I was 19 I used to say I was 25. When I was 16 I used to say I was 19.

This guy doesn't have any idea whatsoever how old this girl is.

I would have the very same opinion if this happened to a young man.

The OP, by his own admission, admits he felt regret and knew it was wrong after the fact.

Whatever the case, the OP has no idea whatsoever if the victim is even pregnant. He is merely going by "text" messages.

He continues to pursue her.

Or a man who wants to be a father... seriously, the amount of people on this forum alone that have to chase their ex's for CS or the amount of children that are let down by one of their parents not wanting to spend time with them and there is a guy sitting here that wants to be involved and you are cutting him up.

You are entitled to your opinion yes, but basically telling the OP he is a pedophile is unnecessary. We don't know the whole story and by your own omission at 19 you were saying you were 25, so a 9-10 year difference is relatively normal now a days. How could he possibly know much about her if they just started out. Many people have weird relationships or one night stands, just because it isn't something you may agree with does not make the OP a pedophile

[Motorizer]

If she's of age, and consented , that's it.
If the BM is mentally impaired, I guess that a different thread.

I told the dude to calm down, and wait.
That's all he can do.

I'm sure this puritanical harpy shit isn't helping.

[arabian]

Makes one wonder though does it not?

We hear from men who are continually trying to get out of paying CS. Then this dude comes along, admits to having sex with a teen (16 yrs younger than himself) and it's ok because he wants to establish paternity rights? Yikes!

Yes I do indeed think there is something odd with this situation.

I pray this young woman gets excellent counselling and support. In this situation I have no problem with my tax dollars helping her realize self-confidence which will hopefully lead to self-reliance for her and her child (if there is one in the picture).

In the meantime I do sincerely hope the OP gets some counselling. It is NOT ok to have sex with people who have diminished capacity (mental, alcohol or otherwise).

Going through a divorce is hardly and excuse for bad, illegal or immoral behavior.

[Motorizer]

If it's not illegal, than "immoral" doesn't matter.
Not to a judge, anyways.

Your morality is irrelevant.

[arabian]

If it's not illegal, than "immoral" doesn't matter.
Not to a judge, anyways.

Your morality is irrelevant.

Enough Arabian.

[Jeff]

Someone has come here asking for advice on how to deal with a difficult situation. Please remember that the forum is here to help people - regardless of your personal judgement of that person's character.

[arabian]

Fair enough. You are correct, I projected my personal judgement of the situation (character).

This is why we have moderators.

[Rioe]

Random thoughts on your situation:

You need to be supportive of the girl during her pregnancy. It sounds like you may be the most mature person in her life. As a father already, you also have experience with pregnancy, even if it isn't firsthand. Assure her that you will be there for her and the newborn, and have no intention of removing the child from her life unless her final decision is to give it up for adoption.

It sounds like you basically communicated via text all the time and got together only for sex. She could be lying about all sorts of things; her real age, her family situation, the pregnancy, that you are the father, etc. It is also not easy to determine someone's mental state from texts.

I took the comment that she was playing with dolls as simply a recent thing, probably part of trying to wrap her brain around being a mother. A mid-thirties friend of mine played around with impending parenthood by putting the cat in the baby carrier. It doesn't imply immaturity.

When the baby is born, get a paternity test ASAP. Set aside CS until you find out the results. Then, it's all about if she decides to breastfeed or not. If she does, access will be harder to schedule. If she doesn't, go for equal parenting right from the start.

You cannot prove that she will be a bad mother until it happens. You may think it likely, but she may surprise you. You can help your child have a better mother by suggesting parenting classes and helping her attend them. If she does turn out to be a bad mother, you can pick up the slack as best you can on your own parenting time, and hope she improves with practice. If she turns out to be a terrible mother, then you document her problems and go for sole custody after you can prove a pattern of bad mothering.

[Links17]

I have a good credo for life that keeps me grateful - "Look at those beneath you" which is basically look at people who are more screwed than you....

Those texts were classic - either she is F**ing with you VERY WELL or you are in for a VERY LONG RIDE. Double Child Support - one possibly psycho mom, you go!

Also, look at things from a judge's perspective. They are cynics.
-Everybody lies
-Minimize government expenses
-make sure kids custodial parent has money
-make sure kids aren't in abusive homes (CLEARLY abusive - like beatings across the head, not 2nd hand smoke abusive)

I've read cases where drug & alcohol use around the kids was ordered to be limited. You can argue the environment issue and what not but its tough for a mother to lose custody.

I think you need to be less reactive, soak everything in.
-Decide on your Goal(s)
-Starting planning how you will achieve them and then go from there.