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Access schedule --does this sound typical to you? Or fair to my child?

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  • Access schedule --does this sound typical to you? Or fair to my child?

    Hello all. I am hoping to get some perspectives on this. My ex and I recently separated (4 months ago). We have one child who is 7. Since the time we split up he has not exactly been keen on spending time with his son. And apparently he began dating someone immediately after we ended our 10 year marriage, and I am told he spends a ton of his time with her. He is basically neglecting our child. Anyway, in this time we have not worked out a schedul for visitation. Every time I attempt to nail a schedule down he tells me we will do it later. Like he is avoiding it. I can't understand why.

    Anyway, when I told him we can let a court decide since he can't seem to come to a decision on when he wants to see our son, it seemed to push him to make a decision.

    He came back with he will see our son every Tuesday for 1 and 1/2 hours and have our son sleep over 2 Fridays per month.

    Does this seem not quite right to you? Can you please tell me your schedule? This does not seem like enough time to me. I am worried my little boy will feel sad for not seeing his dad much. It upsets me because I know dads fighting to see their kids and are denied and here is my ex who doesn't seem to want to see his child.

    What would a family court judge think of his idea of a schedule?
    Any help would be appreciated.

  • #2
    50- 50, either week on/week off or on a 2-2-5-5 schedule.

    Him dating, who and when they started is irrelevant to anything.

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    • #3
      You can lead a horse to water...

      What your ex does on his time is his business not yours and if he chooses someone over his son thats on him. Is it fair? No. Can you change him? No. As I always say, you cant change someone elses behaviour, you can only change your reaction.

      Propose the couple hours Tuesdays, every other weekend and the relevant holiday time (two weeks in summer, half of March break, every other holiday) that is standard in agreements with a clause that runs along the lines of your ex will provide you with notice 48 hours in advance if he will not be using his time otherwise you will make your own plans. This way you provide a fair schedule and its up to him to decide.

      Hopefully he will pull his head out of his ass.

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      • #4
        Should also add that you should also add a clause that other opportunities as they arise but he has to give you notice etc.

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        • #5
          It's relevant when he has time to spend with her and not our child. I know a court wont care but I sure do. I didn't ask your opinion on that. Thanks.

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          • #6
            Ok. Again. I simply mentioned the gf because it shows he has the time and shows his character. I personally don't care if he is with someone, just think the child suffers for it.

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            • #7
              When you mean every other weekend, do you mean the entire weekend or just one day ?

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              • #8
                Yes I would like holiday times to be sorted out. I will look into that for sure. I don't think he would accept 2 weeks in summer or having him for an extended period but worth a try.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by danabaxter44 View Post
                  He came back with he will see our son every Tuesday for 1 and 1/2 hours and have our son sleep over 2 Fridays per month.
                  Accept this offer to settle and move on with your life.

                  What would a family court judge think of his idea of a schedule?
                  Any help would be appreciated.
                  A court can order a parent to spend less time with a child than the parent would otherwise want. A court cannot order a parent to spend more time with a child than the parent otherwise desires.

                  If both parents are willing, then I believe that shared custody is the best. However, if one is unwilling, then there is nothing to be done. Collect your child support and treat the kid to a nice vacation in lieu of a father.

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                  • #10
                    How he chooses to spend his time is his choice. Im not saying its a right choice. Im saying spending your time upset about it is counter productive. He's an ass. His kid wont suffer greatly because he still has one person who cares about him and kid will grow to see his fathers priorities. I can say this because my father was (and still is) the same way. His gf was more important (and still is) and I learned the hard way. It hurts but I got over it.

                    By telling him he has kid Friday after school until Sunday at 6 pm, you provide him the opportunity to rectify his lack of attention. Its a fair schedule and since he's not interested in more, it protects you going forward. Plus by having the additional time built in and opportunities to review and increase time will avoid issues going forward with him fighting you for more time. Again though, you cant fix stupid and you cant force him to be a better person. All you can do is set the schedule through the process and move forward. Maybe he will realize the importance of his son, maybe he wont. You cant control that.

                    As well, having the clauses in place to protect you will help as well. This way you're not sitting around waiting on Friday night to make plans waiting for him.

                    Like I said, you cant fix stupid. There are plenty of dads on here who would jump at the chance to punch this guy to smarten him up. He's making a poor choice but thats his choice to make.

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                    • #11
                      Yes, I do believe every other weekend, the whole weekend is much more reasonable. All I want is for my son to realize that this is not his fault and because his dad isn't seeing him, it doesn't mean it is a reflection on him, the child. I had a dad who never came around, I know how it feels. It can lead to feelings of rejection that last well into adulthood and I just want to protect him from that. Basically my ex is one of the most selfish people I know who is really stubborn and angry. It is impossible to reason with him. I can suggest the schedule of every other weekend and see what he says. Thank you.

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                      • #12
                        Why not offer 50/50?

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                        • #13
                          He's not interested in 50/50. So many times my son has wanted to see him or asks him to take him to his karate or his guitar lessons (he wants to show his dad how well he is doing) and my ex always has plans already. So it would appear being a parent is interfering with his life. I know I can't force him to see his son but when I have a little boy crying and asking if he's a "good kid" because he can't understand why his father doesn't see him, it really gets me upset. I am in the process of filing for support. Right now he pays but it isn't anywhere near what he is supposed to be paying.

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                          • #14
                            Have you discussed these concerns with him and what was his response?

                            Do you think having to pay full table support may spur him to consider 50/50?

                            Have you looked into some therapy for your child regarding abandonment and helping discuss these issues?

                            Some people just aren't interested in being parents and your ex sounds very selfish and self centered. Explaining that to your son will be difficult.

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                            • #15
                              It would be no different if you were still married and dad was never around. Always working or going out with the guys.

                              Unfortunately you had a child with him. The signs were there. I don't mean to insult you. I can say this because I married a bit of a nut. Looking back, the signs were there and I ignored them, now I have to live with it and my children have to suffer through it.

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