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  • Happy Easter

    Hopefully most of us had a good holiday. Im sure many have not. My partner has been down all weekend because once again another holiday and another opportunity for his kids to ignore him. He has called and texted them both to say happy easter and got nothing. These kids amaze me because they constantly pull the "you dont care about us" or "you care more about rockscan" meanwhile he would give his right arm for them to just respond with "you too" to his texts and they cant even be bothered. Breaks my heart to say "your kids are wrapped up in themselves honey, hopefully as they mature that will change".

  • #2
    Originally posted by rockscan View Post
    he would give his right arm for them to just respond with "you too" to his texts and they cant even be bothered. Breaks my heart to say "your kids are wrapped up in themselves honey, hopefully as they mature that will change".
    I wonder how much of this bad behavior is taught by the ex wife? By the sounds of it she has done of fine job of alienating his children against him. If she truly cared about her kids, she would not let them be fatherless for the sake of spite (or money, whichever the case may be) - her job as a parent is to encourage her children to have empathy for others (yes, even DAD deserves some consideration).

    Happy Easter to you too! My son and I had a lovely meal with all the trimmings and spent the day making new traditions.

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    • #3
      His oldest called him and I could hear them talking. He was asking about the younger one and there was a lot of talk about the divorce. Clearly his ex's campaign about the divorce and who is at fault is still strong in their minds. I heard a lot of "not thats not true" and "no thats not what happened" and of course "no youre being lied to and all I ask is a little fairness toward me". Kid also admitted that she thinks its ok that the younger one ignores my partners parents because "they took his side". Uh, her parents took her side, why does that mean one set of grandparents are more important? This whole situation is stupid. We had a good weekend though. We're doing some house renos and we knocked a big project off the list.

      Funnier still is that Im going through some family stuff with my parents and siblings and he sits here all "I dont agree with how youre handling it but your family is messed up so Ill shut my mouth."

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      • #4
        Divorce stinks. So sorry Rockscan.

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        • #5
          Sorry you have to listen to the crap and on Easter! IMO your ex's divorce was between him and his ex. He should not have to defend himself to his children. He should not be entertaining this discussion a) with you present (and in your home)which shows a great deal of lack of respect to you; b) with a child of the marriage who is likely too young to comprehend anything and c) over the telephone.

          Reason for the divorce should remain between him and his ex and no one else.

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          • #6
            The problem with that Arabian is that his ex hasnt left it between them. She chose to tell the kids he didnt want to be in their lives anymore thats why theyre divorced.

            He talks to them in another room. I was working upstairs and heard snippets as I was walking around. It just makes me sad that they cant just be father and kids. He has to defend himself all the time.

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            • #7
              That's an awful situation. However, these are not toddlers. Hopefully your ex is aware that they are likely playing the guilt card. You might have to remind him from time to time of this....

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              • #8
                How long before your SO got divorced did you know him?

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                • #9
                  Happy Easter

                  Two years separated one year divorced. When we moved in together it had been two years for us and three years since the divorce. Plus life was pretty ugly before he was taken out of the house. He had been sleeping in a separate room for several years before that.

                  His kids know the marriage sucked and that the divorce was good to stop the fighting. BUT they think the fighting was all his doing and he could have gone to therapy to fix it because mom is so perfect and wonderful. The ex has convinced them he was the problem, not her. Kid has said a couple of things to me in the vein of him lying to me, him abusing me or me being brainwashed and the real guy will come out soon and ruin me. Ive set her straight each time.
                  Last edited by rockscan; 03-28-2016, 08:59 AM.

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                  • #10
                    This isn't a case where the mom is say you are a home wrecker?

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                    • #11
                      Oh no. They were apart for years before we met. He had moved cities and restarted his life before we met.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                        He has to defend himself all the time.
                        No, he actually *doesn't* have to defend himself.

                        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                        Ive set her straight each time.
                        That's the thing about situations like this. He doesn't need to defend himself. And you don't need to set the record straight. The only thing you ever need to respond with is "I'm sorry that you have heard such terrible things, that must be really hard for you. Mom/Dad/I all love you very much and that will never change."

                        Period.

                        Engaging in the "setting the record straight" and "defending yourself" just continues the arguments and they get the payoff. Neither you nor your partner needs to attend every argument you're invited to, and one cannot argue with themselves. Stop arguing and you'll find...the arguments stop.

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                        • #13
                          Thats actually the advice I gave him and he follows it for the most part. Something was said during their call last night that caused him to not follow that advice.

                          As for me saying something, when someone tells me that my partner is abusive and a head case Im not going to say "oh thats a nice story". I will respond with what I did "I dont know who told you that but its not true and our relationship is not yours or your mothers business."

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                          • #14
                            And that kind of response fuels the fire. The kids need to see the three of you as a unified parental front. When you engage in comments like that, it just divides all of you more and they see you lashing out at their mother. Even if it is earned, it's inappropriate. These are children and they need at least one person willing to be an adult and not engage in the garbage. Clearly their mother won't, why not make it you?

                            You have NO obligation to address gossip, rumours or any other fodder- whether it comes from the kids, her, or anyone else you know. When you do, it just keeps it going. That's why the Internet loves that stuff so much - people get a kick out of watching the trainwreck it becomes when people get defensive and respond.

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                            • #15
                              Im going to agree to disagree with you blink. Its based on my experience and discussions Ive had with a social worker who counsels alienated parents. Im firm in what I will not accept from these kids. Im not a coparent. They are old enough for that. I am their fathers partner. They don't get to comment on our relationship. They are learning they don't get to control their father. Its rough and there are plenty of bumps. Its not continuing to feed the rumour mill, its setting boundaries and sticking to them when they try different angles. "Thats simply not true and none of your business" is what our counselors have told us to say. Holidays tend to make his kid sad that things cant be like they used to. Then the poking begins. He tends to forget he has boundaries and takes two steps back.

                              He and his kid will eventually be able to discuss what happened and why but for now he reminds them that he loves them, that he is there for them and that there are limits on what is open for discussion.

                              What saddens me is the lies and the mistruths they get told and how that causes a strain on his relationship. When he sets the boundaries they get more bs from their mother about him and the divorce. Some days are harder to ignore than others.

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