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  • Where to start?

    I am inquiring on behalf of someone very close to me who is about to start separation process. I will try to relay all relevant details since I want opinions and experience of people that have been through this and might help to start this process with least of mistakes and aggravation for all involved.

    -Married for 15 years (ages slightly over 50)

    -One child 13 y.o.

    -Husband very controlling (income around 125,000), but she doesn't know for sure.

    -Wife was stay at home mom until about 3 y.ago (income around 22,000)

    -No marital property or assets (just maybe a new tv )

    -She does not know the extent of debt since husband has never disclosed it or discussed it with her. She just recently with my help applied for credit and her own bank account to start building her own history. She does not expect him to pay it (or half) after the separation.

    -She is not aware of any financial investments that he may have, nor does she know if and what he has in bank accounts or how many there are.

    Here is a little break down on the relationship:

    He was adamant about her staying home. She does not have canadian education, but always wanted to pursue one. He was against that.

    Financially he only gave 100 cash per months for her personal spendings, anything more she would have to explain what she needed it for and then maybe he will give her the extra $s. Later, he gave her a credit card with her name on it but just as a card holder not joint. She was again only allowed to spend 100 on it, but this way at least he would know how that 100 was spent.

    When the kid got a bit older and went to school full time, she said f*** it and took a course. It all had to be done on her time since he would not tolerate any extended daycare or anything.

    Now she is working, but the above last sentence again applies.

    There is obviously a lot more to this, but this is just a VERY general description.

    So here is what I want to know:

    -What are her 1st steps in starting this.

    -How will she know what to ask for when she does not know how much he makes.

    -If he has debt will she be responsible for it too? (she is not allowed to open any statements/letters so she really does not know)

    -Should she ask for ss?

    -She does not plan to take away his parenting rights, and is fine with joint or whatever, but does not want to stay at their residence once she serves him the separation agreement.

    -The kid goes to private school and seriously involved with soccer (father's wish/ passion), so she wants to make sure that he will not stop those things just out of spite.

    -She is afraid that she has no means to live at pension time. Does she have any right to a part of his pension? He claims not to have rrsp or other.

    Again those are just some questions that I could think about. Any additional info that I did not think to ask is welcome. Any questions to clarify are welcome.

    Please understand that I am doing a research for her and I am more familiar with fam law through this great site. Therefore, some of what I asked, she might not even know or understand. And I don't want to be her only informant since i am not a professional in this matters. So a variety of opinions is beneficial.

    Thanks

  • #2
    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -What are her 1st steps in starting this.
    First thing, get her valuables and documentation out of the house to a safe place where he can't access it. A friend or family member perhaps.

    Then, start snooping around in the financial papers he is keeping from her. She is married to him, so she is entitled to know this stuff. Make copies of things like mortgage statements, tax info, bank statements, credit card statements, car ownership, house deed, pay stubs, anything she finds.

    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -How will she know what to ask for when she does not know how much he makes.
    She will know, because she has been snooping. And once the separation process begins, he will be required to provide full financial disclosure to her. The snooping is really to help if/when he is reluctant to do so.

    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -If he has debt will she be responsible for it too? (she is not allowed to open any statements/letters so she really does not know)
    Yes, she will be entitled to half the assets, and be responsible for half the debts. They are legally married. She IS allowed to read statements because of this. He just doesn't want her to because he likes having power over her.

    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -Should she ask for ss?
    Oh yes. He wouldn't let her have a career or get an education? His income is five times hers? I would suggest she ask for at least five years' worth, so that she can attend university or college, and find a career afterwards.

    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -She does not plan to take away his parenting rights, and is fine with joint or whatever, but does not want to stay at their residence once she serves him the separation agreement.
    She better not try to take away any parenting from him.

    And a separation agreement is not that easy. She can tell him she wants to separate, and then probably several years of negotiation and legal fees will follow, and probably court if he is as controlling as you say.

    If she moves out of the home, the child will not likely be able to move with her. Children generally stay in their familiar house until agreed-upon residential arrangements are made. Generally in a separation situation, the person who moves out is at a great disadvantage for both child access and equalization of the matrimonial home.

    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -The kid goes to private school and seriously involved with soccer (father's wish/ passion), so she wants to make sure that he will not stop those things just out of spite.
    If he's that type, she's going to have to do her best to shield the child from the stress of the separation.

    Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
    -She is afraid that she has no means to live at pension time. Does she have any right to a part of his pension? He claims not to have rrsp or other.
    This situation cries out for some spousal support, at least enough to get her a proper career so she can support herself, including saving for retirement. She will also be entitled to half the increase of his pension over the course of the marriage.

    Search around the site for loads more information about the four key aspects of separation (equalization, child custody, child access and spousal support).

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks Rioe! I did tell her to start snooping, but best would be so that he does not know. Also in regards to school and soccer...Is it reasonable to expect that the Courts will support that the child continues those without changes?

      Also, there is no house (rent an apartment) or car (its leased). So looks like she will just be stuck with his debts that she is not even aware of. This might scare her even further and make her reluctant to separate : (

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by LifeisLife View Post
        Thanks Rioe! I did tell her to start snooping, but best would be so that he does not know. Also in regards to school and soccer...Is it reasonable to expect that the Courts will support that the child continues those without changes?

        Also, there is no house (rent an apartment) or car (its leased). So looks like she will just be stuck with his debts that she is not even aware of. This might scare her even further and make her reluctant to separate : (
        Forgive me for being nosy, but I find it hard to believe that someone making over $100,000 a year has no assets. Furniture is an asset, and I would think there would be some investments and/or pension plans to be split. So those would be split as well as the debt, and perhapas the net won't be huge, but it shouldn't be negative unless there was lavish spending going on.

        As for the sports, that is a reasonable expectation that the private school and soccer continue.

        Comment


        • #5
          It may be hard to believe, but its true. There may be some investments or maybe he was putting money into savings, but thats to be discovered. Furniture is older and nothing to fight over about.

          No lavish spendings, at least not on the family ; ( In 15 years they only went away once, and now that she is working she pays for day to day groceries and her own/some kid's needs.

          Comment

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