Is It Up To The (De Facto) Custodial Parent..

[RAAAR]

..to ensure that the non-custodial parent maintains the best relationship they can? To clarify...

Since we broke up, the ex has not called the children once, despite me telling him he is absolutely allowed to, I'd hand the phone immediately to either child. He claims that the children should call him. (6 and 4 at the time, 8 and 6 at the present) I say that the kids are young, have a fixed schedule, and historically he has worked a lot. Therefore, it makes more sense if he calls first as we don't know if he's at work or not.

He regularly cancels his time with the kids and doesn't make it up, despite me chasing him to nail down dates. I'm getting tired of insisting he spend his time with his kids. In addition to that, he always cancels at the last minute, and I'm left scrambling.

While exercising his access, at least half the time he is leaving them with babysitters. When I raised issue with that fact, that I should have first rights of refusal, he told me that it was none of my business what he does with the kids on his time. I agree... to a point. If they aren't with him, they should be with me. Conversely, if they're not with me they should be with him, but I manage to work my schedule around when I have the kids and when I don't.

Lastly, he is berating me for not making Father's Day a priority and making sure the kids saw him. He texted me once on Thursday that said 'Are the kids going to the trailer this weekend?' I answered back 'Maybe, and we were thinking about the zoo on Sunday.' He didn't reply at all to that. Now, keep in mind that I'm a holiday idiot and had no clue it was Fathers Day on Sunday. In fact, I ran around ON Sunday to scrape together a gift for my own father. Wugh. Anyways, my point is that if he wanted to see them, he should have said 'Can I see the kids Sunday from *blank* to *blank*' instead of relying on me to be his secretary.

So... wise ones... should I be contributing more to him seeing his kids? I'm burned out from the two years of effort already, but if I'm wrong I'd be willing to put in more. For the record, I've NEVER badmouthed him to the kids. If he's cancelled his days with nary an explanation, I explain that he's working hard, etc.

[Epona]

I think he's like that just to give you a hard time. My ex is similar. There is a limit what you can do. You could E-mail him and have him send you times that are good for him. Would he be the kind of person to deliberately choose times when he knows you have other plans?
I think the onus is on the non-custodial parent. They have to make the time for their child(ren).

[RAAAR]

I think he's like that just to give you a hard time. My ex is similar. There is a limit what you can do. You could E-mail him and have him send you times that are good for him. Would he be the kind of person to deliberately choose times when he knows you have other plans?
I think the onus is on the non-custodial parent. They have to make the time for their child(ren).

Funny enough, this post is spurred from an incident that just happened. I JUST found out my youngest has a tournament this weekend, on his weekend with the kids. I texted him to make sure he knew, and he freaked a bit and demanded that I change his weekend until next weekend. When I said that I had already made plans that I had paid for, he claims that he couldn't break his plans. Now wait.. that sounds suspicious. Plans that don't involve the kids that he can't break, yet is on his weekend? (I know that the plans don't involve the kids as we was adamant about changing his weekend) *siiiiiigh* So I cancelled my plans to make sure that the tourney goes smoothly and the ex can go about doing whatever it was he had planned on his own.

[Gary M]

So... wise ones... should I be contributing more to him seeing his kids? I'm burned out from the two years of effort already, but if I'm wrong I'd be willing to put in more.

I think you already know the answer to your own question.

It's about your kids, not your ex.

I'd die for my kids: Anything less than dying is easy. I'm certain that you feel the same.

Cheers!

Gary (still making excuses for my bat-shit crazy ex after all these years)

[RAAAR]

I think you already know the answer to your own question.

It's about your kids, not your ex.

I'd die for my kids: Anything less than dying is easy. I'm certain that you feel the same.

Cheers!

Gary (still making excuses for my bat-shit crazy ex after all these years)

Grrrr... Gary, it's why I've already cancelled my own plans this weekend (and forfeited my money) in favour of dragging two little ones to a tournament and a photo day. Fingers crossed he makes up his weekend next!

[blinkandimgone]

Disagree. Yes, you should definitely be flexible and accomodating when necessary however he eventually has to take some responsibility for his time with the kids. You've spent two years training him into this behaviour. Sounds to me like some boundaries need to be set so that he respects both his time with the kids and your time as well otherwise you can expect it to continue the way it has been. Why would he change things if it's working out so well for him to constantly take advantage of your good nature and love for your kids?

IMO, you could send him an email outlining the expectations ie: kids will be ready to go on X day at X time for their weekend with you, I'll be home at X time before you arrive to drop the kids off - they're really excited to spend the weekend with you!

Just my humble opinion.

[RAAAR]

The problem with that is that I'd rather have rights of first refusal. I'd rather the kids be with me than with a babysitter. If I say to him 'No, you are absolutely taking them' he'd just pawn them off on someone anyways. My being firm has no bearing on him being an attentive parent. I've raised the issue with him in the past, and he pitches fits, listing all the reasons I'm a horrible parent. Of course, I don't expect him to listen to me. He's conditioned me to be the enemy in his eyes. Wish someone else would give him a kick in the seat.

[dinkyface]

Perhaps an effective wakeup call would be sending a message listing the times when has wasted an opportunity to be with his kids, and boil it down to something like

5/20 weekends missed due to ...
7/30 days - kids with sitter instead of dad due to ...
Overall, only 55% of available access time actually spent with dad.

And indicate that for each one, you had to provide an excuse to your children why they couldn't be with dad.

[blinkandimgone]

I can see what you're trying to say but at the same time it is possible to address both issues at the same time. If you set the expectations in advance then he has time to give you notice that he won't be excercising his access and you will have them and make your plans accordingly.

That being said, I'm sure YOU would feel better about the kids being with you than with a sitter if he decides to go out but you also have to consider what your response would be if he wanted to dictate what YOUR time with the kids would look like. A few hours with a sitter here and there doesn't hurt them, lots of kids even enjoy time with the sitter. Different story if he's supposed to have them for the weekend and decides to go away overnight and leave the kids with a sitter, then you should have first rights of refusal.

[RAAAR]

That's exactly what he's doing, blinkandimgone. I've also offered him first rights of refusal as well, to predictable results considering he's not very amenable to seeing the kids during his regular access times.

dinkyface - I'm considering doing that. If nothing else than to give me a leg up during custody in August. I don't want it to turn into a sling-fest during court, though. I'm hoping that the judge will consider his cutting off of child support and documentable lies. In addition, documenting exactly which weekends he's left would mean I'd have to probe my kids for information, and I refuse to do that. I ask them if they've had a good time, and if they offer up info, I discuss. Otherwise, I don't want them to feel like its mom against dad, kwim?

It's the most frustrating thing in the world when you have a ton of single dads screaming at you that you're a horrible person for even THINKING that the father is a second class citizen and how dare I try to take custody from him.. but I've managed to breed with one of those stereotypical 'bad' fathers that everyone talks about. The weird thing is that he wasn't always this way. He hit his midlife crisis, walked out, and it's like he decided he didn't want to be a family man anymore.

[Gary M]

I do believe I stand corrected... And I look forward to the day that I can allow my ex to suffer the consequences of her actions (and inactions) - For the time-being, though, I still have it in my head that I have to protect my kids from her.

Cheers!

Gary