In Desperate Need Of Advice Please

[Sapphire]

Hello everyone,I'm new here am I'm so glad I've found this forum.

Pardon my dramatic title,but desperate about sums it up and I would sincerely appreciate any insight or advice. Here goes...

I have two children with my ex,aged fifteen and thirteen. We were never married and we separated over a decade ago. Since that time,a custody order was never issued and in general (though not without problems),we were able to share the children,living nearby each other. There has never been any support arrangements either,we shared the cost of their needs.

Some of the problems at that time included my ex belittling the kids,and kicking them out of his house during his time with them. Other times,he was fantastic to them,and always had money to buy them anything they desired.There is much more to say,but I'll try not to get into that just yet.

Last summer,myself and my fiance were offered a large house to live and jobs in Alberta,a situation much better than the one we had in Ontario. Our city was and is becoming progressively worse,and very unsafe for the kids. At that time,my ex hadn't spoken to the kids in over a month,he would not answer the phone,and we decided to go. We left November 1st.

Long story short,my ex had a fit when he found out we were leaving. He has disowned our fifteen year old daughter (told her to change her last name,etc.),and guilted my son into staying with him. Here is where I made a huge mistake,and I know this. I didn't want to leave him there,but my son (who's thirteen) said he wanted to finish his school year,and was being spoiled rotten by his Dad. Plus,I felt that he was old enough to make his own choice and idn't want to force him to go. I went back in February to visit him,and he said all well. He said he'd still like to come to me this summer. Because my ex was so mad,I had to sneak around to visit him,and was kicked out of the house when I went to his door. Even these days,I am not allowed to call the house,my son has to call me collect (my ex said he wants to ensure that the phone calls cost me $$.

I spoke to my son the other night,and he has dramatically changed in the last while. He told me that he isn't okay (and I admit that I knew this). He is depressed,has no friends whatsoever,is being bullied at school and his Dad has been emotionally abusing him more than ever. He desperately wants to come and live with me. He says that he has been telling me he's okay so that I wouldn't worry but he actually cried on the phone,which he doesn't ever do,my heart is broken. I live in a very small town so access to legal support is very difficult,not to mention that I can't afford it if I could.

I want to put him on a plane TODAY,but I'm afraid of the consequences,but more afraid of leaving him there any longer. My ex can be completely fine one minute,then blow up the next,it's like walking on eggshells around him. He has threatened legal action a thousand times,but never went through with it. Thank you for reading,I'll end this here for now.

My question is,what would you do? And do you know whether or not I could get in major hot water if I take him? My ex won't allow my son any contact with his own family or mine,I have many who could attest to his behaviour over the years.

Thank you in advance for your time.

[Sapphire]

I would also like to add that I will not be seeking support at all,this isn't about money,or getting even with my ex or what have you. As long as my son was happy there,it was okay but clearly he hasn't been for a while. My ex has said on more than one occasion that he didn't want to see the kids ever again. I wouldn't be so arrogant to say that he didn't love them,but I strongly suspect he's keeping my son out of spite. He spends very little time with him and has been treating him like an annoyance.

[logicalvelocity]

The problem with leaving your child behind is that you have given acquired consent of the current regime. Legal action will have to be started in the municipality where your son currently resides if the other party contests. Time is of the essence.

[Sapphire]

I see...thank you for your advice. He certainly will contest,as he has refused to even discuss anything on the phone with me without a huge argument. He'll either hang up,start laughing,or like I said,huge argument mostly about things completely unrelated to the issue.

I didn't even know where I was supposed to begin legal action~here or there,so thanks so much for clarifying that for me. I have also considered having CAS check in on him,and that is out of genuine concern and not vindictiveness. What scares me there though is my son winding up in foster care or something,until court matters are through.

[singledad99]

How to tell that your son is telling the truth now? More than often, children will tell something what the arguing parents want to hear rather than the truth. My 9 years old son was doing it without either my ex or I knowing it. It could be that your ex is very strict with with the rules which your son considers as emotional abuse....there are number of ways to slice it if you know what I mean. The only way to find out it to have an independent body such as OCL review the situation. The judge is not likely to change the child's residence (especially when proposed residence is far away such as another province) without having an independent opinion.

[Sapphire]

Thank you for the responses.
I wish my son were exaggerating,it would certainly ease my mind. The problem is,he isn't and I know this because I've seen all of it before first hand. His Dad can be a great,loving person one minute,then explode the next. I've made a terrible mistake leaving him there,and it's killing me.
He is also living in an area which has become progressively worse over the years,there are several crack houses on his street and the problems that go with them. Pardon my ignorance,but what is OCL?

*As an afterthought,could this thread possibly be moved into the parenting section where more could see it? This was my first post and I'm afraid I've put it in the wrong area. Would be much appreciated.*

[AtALoss]

The OCL is the Office of the Childrens Lawyer. They are largely "counselors" with some legal background in that they have been trained to work in custody disputes. They are paid by the provinve to represent the child and only the child. Therefore to discover their needs and what is in the best interest of the child. Have gone thru this myself and was esentially happy enough. They will speak to everyone involved ie family doctors school etc. but they are acting for the child not you. so they are good in that they are supposed to be independant of what Mom or Dad wants. All will come to light thru their investigation and whom ever offers the best ultimately should be the winner. I know its not a game but that the easiest way of putting it. there have been some who doubt them and others who it worked well. All depends on your case worker.
They will work with a child that is 12+ but have done so younger. They have to be appointed by the court so dont expect they will get involved with out an ongoing case. If you wish them to be you will have to start a proceeding and by the sounds of the way things are going is needed.
Good luck with them, They helped me. Any other questions Just ask.

[Sapphire]

Thank you,I'm embarassed by how green I am with this whole issue. And the kicker is that the major reason I always avoided custody and support is because my ex would have been dinged big time (he makes great money) and I didn't want to be unfair. It was suggested that I 'take the house' back when we separated too,but I also thought that unfair (due to police involvement,he wasn't allowed back home until I moved out).
Anyway,thanks again for your insight,much appreciated. I have no clue really where and how to even start legal proceedings,but I did get a pamphlet today with some websites and numbers I could try,so that is a start. I'm also one of those working poor schmoes so I have to look into Legal Aid as well...ugh.

[AtALoss]

Never be embarassed about not knowing...like all or most of us we havent been thru this before. So thats why we are all here is to learn. Many here have alot of knowledge to offer so just ask away. Legal aid can be a good help in that they will get you a lawyer if you qualify. If you dont you can go self represented, just slower process. But at most court houses you can find FLIC - Family Law Info Clinics. Lot of info on proceedures etc. Another source of info if and when you do get to court if you are self rep Duty Counsel is available to advise you o what you are facing today and they can also step in on your behalf but that would be only for that day. The court can also request of DC to assist/investigate for you. So there is resources out there.

I also have a link to all forms used in family law that I can look up for you and could help sort some of it out if you need at some point.