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  • Attending The Children's Events

    My Ex-wife is still very angry at the whole divorce, she tries to make life difficult for me no matter what the situation. She demands that I do not attend my Children's events the weeks that they are in her care.(50-50 Custody, 1 week about) She has asked the Children to tell me that I am not welcome to attend their events. I explained to them that I have every right to attend and watch my children enjoy their sports and other events, and in fact quite enjoy it. I explained to the Children that she is very angry at me and is trying to punish me, but that will not stop me from watching my Children in a Public Place. The Childen understand but do not want to dissapoint their Mother. She has told me that if I attend my son's music lessons on her weeks, then she will have them re-scheduled to a time that I will not be aware of. We have not spoken at these events, so I do not see the problem.

    What can I do? I only see them half the time, this is a nice bonus for me on the off weeks to see my Children.

  • #2
    For a parent to do this is NOT a parent that is "acting" in the best interest of the children.
    It's very hard to prove something like this as it becomes an issue of he said she said.
    A recording device is the only way for you to show the courts what she is doing to the kids. Tape all phone calls and interactions with her.

    A word of advise, I know you do not mean to draw your children into this, but you sort of are when you explain things the way you did to the kids, IE, "mommy is very angry at me", or "I have the right"......
    The same thing can be implied, by explaining to them that you love them very much and getting the chance to see them do some of these things are very enjoyable for you and that you want to share in ALL of their experiences.
    You know and they know mom is not thrilled about things, no need to reiterate it into spoken words. This only puts you on her level. Don't let her win with that. Continue to go to their events, and get a recording device. If she denies you access, or changes the lessons to days and not tell you, then you can take her back to court. Remember with Family law, not like criminal court, you do not have to advise the other party they are being taped. As this is about the best interests of the children, not her feelings or desires, she is FAR from child focused when she says these things and acts this way, and that is why you need to to take that position, for the kids sake.

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    • #3
      Attending The Children's Events

      Do you mean that I should record these conversations and take her back to court and try to get full custody out of this? Does this hold enough water to do this? Or can the court tell her to let me attend?

      She is being unreasonable on every aspect. How much of this needs to go on before I can take her back to court and make things stick?

      Comment


      • #4
        I doubt a court would give you sole custody based only on this. Realisitically the best you could probably do is convince the court to amend your existing agreement to specifically allow attendance at your kids' events. Really, you don't NEED permission - the most they could do then is maybe force her to inform you of the kids' extracurriculars so she can't hide them from you.

        Ultimately, the courts can't make ex's responsible, mature adults. GOD I wish they could. This is going to be something you'll have to work out together some how. You are in a real bind: if you go you escalate an already testy situation and make your kids dread going to their own activities, but if you don't go you miss out on those activities when you shouldn't have to.

        I would just explain to the ex (perhaps in a letter or recorded - just in case) that you want to be involved in these activities and you both have that right as 50-50 parents. Reassure her that you will go out of your way to avoid any contact with her directly if it makes her uncomfortable, but that you plan on attending some of these activities and so you - as the parents - need to come sort of resolution to this. See what her reaction is.

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        • #5
          Attending the children's events

          I actually have an e-mail stating that if I show up to these events on her weeks, then she will reschedule them and not tell me. Is this enough to go forward? Will it make it to court or will her lawyer set her straight?

          I assure you that if I could reason with her, I would. She is so angry, I can't reason with her at all. But I'm the first she calls when she is in a bind.

          I did not react at all when she brought her new partner to the children's events, (in fact I introduced myself and shook his hand)....but now I can't attend them on her weeks. She is only trying to get me upset, but my hands are tied on this one. I really don't know what to do....I don't want to mention it to the children anymore.

          When I did talk to the Children about this, they said its just easier this way. And in turn I get the raw end of the deal. But they know that I will always bounce back and be there for them no matter what.

          I am at a loss here, and to spend $$$$ in court for something that I know I have the right for is crazy, and it will just move her to the next loophole, and then around we go again........And its not the fact that I want to one up her...I just want to move on. I am there to see my children not her. I am not bothered by being in the same room as her, or her partner. I can be adult about this, but she cannot.

          FRUSTRATED!!!!!!

          Comment


          • #6
            No you cannot ask for a change in custody, but with the email and follow up letter as stated, you could seek to have the agreement amended to include that you are to be informed of all activities that the children are involved in so that you can choose to attend if you so desire.

            Her email clearly does not demonstrate a child centred approach, and as such is not going to look good to the courts. It's a terrible thing to have to get an order to be a part of your children’s lives beyond your scheduled access, particularly when you have 50/50 custody. She sounds like she is simply trying to hurt you, but she seems to have no idea how this hurts the children!!

            Send her a registered letter requesting to be informed of all activities that the children are involved in and like "About-Time" said, include that you'll do your best to stay clear of her to keep from making her uncomfortable etc.
            If she still hides the activities that the kids are involved in or simply does not make you aware of them until after the fact, then you'll probably have to have your order amended to include this.

            Comment


            • #7
              Long Battle

              This issue is extremely important to me. But I cannot afford to go to the Courts everytime she is being unreasonable. I cannot get the time away from work either. Do I save up a bunch of issues and knock them off at once, or do I hit her hard and hope she learns her lesson? I feel that everytime I right a wrong, she looks for another......

              Comment


              • #8
                I understand the financial issues completely, and this is why we did not pursue alot of the "little" issues as they arose. This led to the whole issue of status quo, and by the time things go so bad that they were interfering with scheduled access it was too late, and I’m guessing that the ex was counting on that and was glad we could not afford to go to court over every issue.
                Not to mention, any attempt to discuss issues with the ex outside the court was also a mute point as the lawyer would simply choose to ignore or stall the written requests to mediate. And taking the issues to court with the stall tactics, did not seem to work in our favour as I feel that the judge we got just didn’t seem to give a darn one way or the other. If you are not taking this issue to court make sure to have documented (paper trail) on your attempts to resolve this through negotiations BOTH with her and her lawyer. Then if you are forced into the court you have clear documentation on how you have tried to resolve this outside court, and hopefully you’ll get a judge that actually reads the documents prior to your appearance.

                Continue your scheduled access, and send a formal letter to the school to send you copies of ALL paper sent home, IE any activities at school, or important dates, as you are entitled to these. In today’s age of technology these can be scanned and sent to you via email to avoid you missing out should the papers get "lost" in transit. It does not resolve the issue of after school activities but it's a start. Also make sure all correspondence with her is in writing or recorded for future use.

                Comment


                • #9
                  You said you have 50/50 custody. Does she attend the activities when the kids are in your care? I don't think you would like her doing that either. I think she might be feeling little threatened that you are getting more than 50% which she thinks is not fair to her and may jeopardize her position. Also, you have to respect the whole idea of divorce. If you still wanted to hang around her (or she did you) then why would you get divorced. Looking at the situation from a different angle, maybe its your kids who feel the tension when two of you are at the same place. No matter how adult you are you don't like everything that she does, right? Maybe the kids don't like when two of you try to fight over who attends their activities when in fact they don't want any of you.

                  I am not being critical of you. Just giving you another pespective. I like your enthusiasm over being involved with your kids and I say keep it up but also learn to respect other people's space. If you continue to interfere with her access some judge might not see it healthy for your kids and may even limit your access.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Its about the Children not me.

                    I can totally respect your point of views, but this is not the case. We both attended ball games and other events (keeping to ourselves of course) when the Children were in each others care. I have no issues with her being there. She has asked me many of times to join the Children and I on my weeks to attend things like "meet the teacher" and other events like this. And i said yes everytime. (I may change my tune now)

                    Its only because this event is indoors, that she has drawn the line, which was sparked by other conflicts in our divorce aftermath. As I said before, she brought her new partner to these events and was trying just about everything you could imagine to get me to react. But I did not. Because I don't care.

                    I do respect the idea of divorce, I don't dig into her life at all. Its just me and the Children, and I like it that way.

                    The Children don't have an issue with it as far as I know, but I do not want to pry on them anymore, so I will not metion it to them again.

                    I have moved on and am EXTREMELY HAPPY, and am enjoying life so much now. What a difference!!! But I have never and don't want to ever miss a moment of my children. I have asked her to recosider, I will forward corespondence to her lawyer as well, as suggested above.

                    Thanks for your help

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      why shouldn't each parent be present at childrens events no matter who has the kids for access at that time. It kind of sounds like things were working that way and then she changed. What difference does it make if it is indoors. It almost seems to me like maybe the new boyfriend is putting in his two cents worth. Has all this come about since he has been in the picture??

                      The kids events should be shared by both parents. Isn't that something that is important to the kids? Mom and Dad both watching them play etc.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                        why shouldn't each parent be present at childrens events no matter who has the kids for access at that time. It kind of sounds like things were working that way and then she changed. What difference does it make if it is indoors. It almost seems to me like maybe the new boyfriend is putting in his two cents worth. Has all this come about since he has been in the picture??

                        The kids events should be shared by both parents. Isn't that something that is important to the kids? Mom and Dad both watching them play etc.
                        I presume the children are going to graduate one day or get married. Having said that, I think its more than reasonable for BOTH parents to attend any events of the child. The sooner the better!

                        Children are only children once and the time flies. Make the best of it and set aside those differences!



                        lv

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                        • #13
                          Scorned

                          This woman feels that she should make my life miserable. I have made appointments for more council to end all of this. I don't want to go back to court for every little thing...... but my children are worth it.

                          If I don't, my children will see me behind the eight ball all the time.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            . At some point she has to understand that you are both entitled to be present, what happens when the kids are grown and are graduating, that's indoors, and will she expect you not to attend?
                            What about a wedding, are you not to attend that? She cannot pick and choose as there is only once chance at the many mile stones in the child's life.
                            She is completely and utterly unreasonable, there should be no issue of who can attend you are both adults and the parents of the children. She should not be telling you that you cannot attend certain events because it is uncomfortable for her or her new partner. This is hardly child centered on her part.

                            I would proceed by sending her a registered letter, keep a copy for you, and clearly outline what has transpired in the past with respect to activities for the children, and how you view them proceeding in the future. If she continues to make these ridiculous requests of you, you may have no choice but to take the issue to court. Then you’ll have a paper trail of your attempts to resolve this, coupled with her email stating that she will alter the schedule and not notify you will weight heavily in your favour.. I would believe that you could easily win this claim and with that you can claim your costs including lost wages etc.

                            Comment

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