My journey is at an end.....

[Dadx5]

Well I haven't been a member long and only posted a few times, but with any luck I won't be needing more advice.

We had our Settlement conference last week. Originally judge accepted her lawyers (duty counsel) statement that we couldn't negotiate. Judge said he had been reading file and it needed a trial as soon as possible. We were sent to hall to fill out package. My daughters mother came to me asking to mediate. I had sent offers to settle no reply, I offered to mediate and she didn't want to all morning. Long story short (3 hours later) we had an agreement.

My daughters mother had custody and had continued to try to take away my access. She even withheld for months at a time. She from the start said because we were not married and I didn't know about my daughter until she was almost 1 that I wouldn't get anything. Its been a 10 year fight. up until this order I was only getting everyother weekend, and a mid week short visit. No Sunday overnights, no extension for long weekends, and minimal summer and holiday schedule.

OCL got involved recommended joint custody but wanted to decrease my access even more then the small amount I was getting.

I was able to get shared custody access is 50/50 or at least almost give or take a percentage or two, holiday schedule I wanted, and almost every point I was looking for regarding other issues in our situation. I lost a few things but in the long run they weren't the most important of the issues.

Our order is very complicated and ended up being 5 pages long, the written endorsement page is about 8. Judge was so happy we negotiated he took extra time, jokes were made, and he completely changed the rules of court that day!

Child support is a little confusing and not sure whats going to happen with that because I am still just paying the table amount. I have started to read that it seems most pay a different then table amount in a 50/50 shared time situation. I don't pay any s.7 expenses though so I guess I will have to look into how that all works....but for now I am just happy that I now have moved from about 25/75 time to a 50/50 time.

[childfocused]

Wow.....first off congrats on reaching that light at the end of the tunnel! That is one arduous journey you embarked on, but you stuck to it and good for you. I am sure your daughter will appreciate this in the future, knowing that you had her interest in mind

With regards to the CS payment, I'll say you can immediately start paying an offset amount based on your 50-50 shared custody, and court order backing this up. As long as you know how much she earns, look up the federal CS table and work out the offset amount.

If you have to pay sect.7, then it will be proportionate to income. Hopefully you had a clause in the agreement stating either party won't sign kid up to activities willy nilly or during the other party's access time?

Lessons learned: If you don't want any more kids, am sure you know what you have to do so you don't find yourself in this situation again. Nothing more controlling than someone making a unilateral decision on behalf of two people

[arabian]

Congratulations on your hard-fought success to 50/50. I am astounded that this took you 10 years! Very interesting that OCL recommended less access but that you persevered and succeeded in the end. This goes to show that judges consider OCL recommendations but don't necessarily endorse them. Was there a particular reason for this?

All the best on your new life!

[mcdreamy]

Good stuff, Dx5.

Please consider hanging around the site and offering your advice when you can - as a self-repper, your advice could be of great benefit to others coming up through the system.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

[Dadx5]

Yes we do have a clause that she may not put our child in activities during my days. She will continue in the program that she is in. Its one that I have never wanted her in but mom has always paid it herself, and its only during mom's days.

As for more children, I have 4 others with my wife. This situation was from a girl I was seeing for a short time years ago.

[childfocused]

Ah....good for you. Hope the kids all get along, and you can now put all that nonsense behind you and concentrate on the future.

Kudos

[Dadx5]

It took 10 years because I had to fight even to get a DNA test to prove she was mine. It was years of orders, contempt motions, motion to changes, and multiple mediation agreements.

OCL was supposed to have report to judge by June and didn't, then was supposed to have it to them by last week and didn't. Judge was frustrated.

Mom was told by OCL that if it goes to trial she could lose custody copletely. I never understood the recommendations as all the issues the OCL found were with mom and mom's home only issue with mine was that I have 4 other high needs children in my home, and a CAS report from years ago against my wife from when her child died (however she later was cleared by police and coroner). Mom has not filed a piece of paper since I filed the motion to change 7 months ago.

This order is a mixture of my requests that her duty counsel advised her to accept I think and judges order. I honestly don't know what happened. Judge denied her request for an adornment. Said that it was going to expedited trial. Also that we were waiting to see with the motion judge ruled on my 14b. If that came back before trial date I could be granted full custody without trial. We went into hall to fill out papers and she suddenly wanted to accept my offer. Judge talked to my wife for a bit (who is not a party but wrote up the offer, then took it to his chambers for about 30 minutes came back talked to us added a few things in my favor and made it an endorsement. Then told my wife to type it up as an order and submit it to the courts.

Judge was praising me a lot for being able to negotiate and willing to vacate my 14b for shared. Although I would love my daughter all the time, truly she has always lived with her mom that I do believe a full 50/50 time is ideal for her.

We are still waiting for a ruling from the contempt trial we did in may. It was against mom for withholding and multiple other breaches of the order, as well as lies in her affidavit and to the judge. So we are not sure how that will impact things though. Hopefully not too much.

[Rioe]

Hooray!

That sounds like it took an awful lot of work and an awful lot of time and money! How much of it were you self-representing for? What do you think may have tipped the balance? Is there anything you would do differently, looking back? How does your daughter feel about all of it?

[Dadx5]

I had a lawyer initially to get a DNA test and until the first order. I am self rep since then.

Truly for me the thing that tipped the scales was mom continuously acting against our daughters best interest and withholding so much. Police, and courts started having enough of the games. Also I think my coming to the point where I would no longer back down. I always gave a lot of options but I refused to just accept mom making all decisions on when I could or couldn't see our child. I started collecting police reports after incidents, even when she made false claims about me, I refused to discuss anything in person at all everything went through email so I had it all documented. I just got the point where I refused to engage. I didn't fight, I didn't react, I always stayed calm and focused on wining the war not the battle. I also made sure that if my daughter was around and mom was making a scene that I allowed her to leave with the child and filed a contempt. I just didn't allow anything that would affect our daughter and judges commented on this and liked it

My daughter has been so confused and scared about everything. I think she will be really happy that this is over and that she can see me more but that her schedule won't change too much as she will still have weekdays at mom's.

Honestly if I could go back in time, I would have stood my ground more in the beginning and not accepted when everyone lawyers, friends, and even mediators told me that I would never get joint or shared custody.

Although I am still getting it from people who don't understand how I could get shared custody and why I would want the bother of having my daughter so much.