Defacto custody and relocation

[Zhoozhelitsa]

As a child that grew up never knowing my father and having an amazing step father I can see your point. My father was a morphine addicted alchoholic. One weekend that he had my brother and I he went out on a bender and never came back, leaving my brother and I alone the whole weekend. I was 18 months, my brother was 3. When the police broke in they found my brother on the kitchen counter trying to find food for us. 3 years old and he was feeding me crackers and filling my bottles with water. I had been in the same diaper for days and ended up in the hospital as my skin was falling off in places.
I firmly believe simply because someone is a mother/father does not automatically make them a good one. I believe parents need to earn the right to be with their kids by being good parents. Why should a child have to go where they are being neglected and abused? Because they share the same DNA with that person? It's ludicrous.
I did not find out that my step father was not my real father until I was 11 and I was devastated. I never cared to know my real father other then being curious if I looked like him. In your situation you say that both fathers want to spend time with their children, but do not want to take them full time. That's too bad for them. From what I gather, you are not wanting to move them away, but see if there is some way you can get some sort of legal documents asking your school to do your internship where you currently reside so as not to disrupt the current access schedule? Have you tried talking to a counsellor in your school about your options? Maybe they can try to be more accomodating because of your situation?

LOL, just as I thought. Surprise, surprise. A woman's perspective. Yes, this is exactly what I'm after, a legal document. I think this should work out alright.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

In my case the father tried to block our move, even though he hadn't lived near us for years and the move was not affecting his access at all. He also asked for sole custody and move them to where he lives. The Judge told him I had 'Status Quo' and moving them to him would cause them more disruption to them then the move to our new house would so it was dismissed. It really depends on your situation.

I would think it's similar. If the fathers tried and did something actively right after the separation, or showed some kind of effort to be a responsible decision maker and not just a weekend huggiekissie, I could see them going somewhere with a joint custody or something similar. It's Status Quo here right now and I'm trying to keep it this way, maybe I don't even need a relocation clause. Will ask the lawyer.

[MommaBear73]

Mine currently states that I cannot move outside of Ontario without his permission. He is in the military so he can move wherever he likes, but as his new spouse has a clause in her divorce that she can't leave the city they live in he can't take a posting without it causing major problems. It's crazy.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

I thought your contract would be mutually binding? Or did you let him go b/c he needs to travel in order to work? I don't really care if I can't move but life is life, what if there are no jobs where I am, their dads aren't great at bread winning...and kids sure need hugs and such but good nutrition is also important.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

Oh another question, Mommabear. You are saying you cannot leave Ontario without his permission. Assuming you are employed, would your employer still be able to send you on a business related trip outside of Ontario?

[MommaBear73]

Nope, he did up the order after much discussion and I just signed it. I am not ever leaving Ontario, so I had no problem with it. He is currently trying to change said order. He doesn't feel he should pay the support that he is supposed to according the child support guidelines and wants to put a cap on it as well having me sign away any rights to involving the FRO. He is arrears and does not want them involved.
Your ability to provide a better life for your children is in their best interest and I would like to think that it would have bearing with a Judge, but I can't say for sure. It may just depend on the Judge you get. Seeing their fathers is important and in their best interest as well, but if the fathers aren't pulling their weight and only seeing them sporadically how is that good for the kids? Do they see them on a set schedule?

[MommaBear73]

Oh another question, Mommabear. You are saying you cannot leave Ontario without his permission. Assuming you are employed, would your employer still be able to send you on a business related trip outside of Ontario?

I am a SAHM at the moment as I have a 4 month old. I can leave the province for a business trip if I want, I just can't move the kids out of here. Also, in his 'new' order he wants me to ask his permission if I want to leave the province with them even just to go visit friends for a few days.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

What do you mean he doesn't feel like paying? Is it an option?

They have a verbally set schedule of sorts. My daughter used to see her dad every weekend but now that she is older, she prefers her girlfriends instead. So maybe 2 weekends a month at the most. They just hang out. That, and child support, is all he has to provide.
My son's dad has him every other weekend and also every now and then during the week, whenever he feels like it or sometimes to babysit him if I have to run errands. They just go out, have fun and play.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

I am a SAHM at the moment as I have a 4 month old. I can leave the province for a business trip if I want, I just can't move the kids out of here. Also, in his 'new' order he wants me to ask his permission if I want to leave the province with them even just to go visit friends for a few days.

But if you have to go and you are a single mom, what do you do? That's my problem. I have no family here.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

I am a SAHM at the moment as I have a 4 month old. I can leave the province for a business trip if I want, I just can't move the kids out of here. Also, in his 'new' order he wants me to ask his permission if I want to leave the province with them even just to go visit friends for a few days.

This sounds unreasonable. A control issue? A father who doesn't want to pay CS, doesn't live in the same area, but wants total control over you and the child. That's nuts. If this was to go to a court, would this be accommodated?

[MommaBear73]

From what I have been told, no Judge would order what he is asking for. The only way it would go through is if I agree to it, which I won't. He's quite mad at me right now as the first time I pretty much agreed to everything as I had no lawyer and no clue what my rights were.
I do have someone here to watch my kiddies, so am not sure how I would cope if I were in your situation. How long is the internship?

[Zhoozhelitsa]

It's 1 year long and it's a lottery so if the computer spits out a town, I have to go there unless there are some crazy personal circumstances. So I'm looking into options, just what you suggested - a counsellor and a lawyer. If I have to go, it's going to be unpleasant for everyone. There's no one around here to watch them but dads and I'm not too comfortable with that. Plus, they'll have to be separated, moved in with dads etc.

If I knew this would happen, I probably wouldn't have started with school. But it's too late now, it's a prof degree, if I drop out, I'll be paying OSAP back for the rest of my life instead of saving for my kids' future.

[dadtotheend]

And who says bio-fathers aren't replaceable?

So are you.

[Zhoozhelitsa]

So are you.

Oh absolutely. But the kids are staying with me, that's the trick. I cannot replace myself, I can only replace a partner if I chose.

I didn't give my kids up. They did.

[MommaBear73]

When the year is up were you planning on coming back to where their father's are?