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  • cancelling visitation weekend months in advance

    My husband has joint custody of his 16 year child with Wed. evening and EOW visits. This child is developmentally disabled (16 years old physically, 6-7 years old mentally). We have been trying to change EOW visitation for 3 months now for 2013 starting June . We have asked that we double up on a weekend then change the EOW for the rest of the year.. in the last 4 years we have had the child for every long weekend except May long weekend, and Thanksgiving last year ( which we took the child - she asked us to switch because she planned a vacation) . We really wanted the CIVIC long weekend in Aug and Labor Day weekend to go somewhere this year. We have had the child every Civic Day/Labor Day weekend for last 3 years and the schedule shows that we will again for the next 3 years.

    Cut to the point - even though we asked nearly 10 months ahead and continued to ask up until last week,she failed to respond until today . we received a respond of "NO, she is entitled to that time off for her plans and is not willing to accommodate us".
    The child can not be left alone even at 16. Agreement is silent on cancellation of weekends other than neither party will be unreasonable or insist on strict adherence. No make up time or switch weekends clauses in it . He has rarely changed the schedule for 10 years...he is fed up with being told that he isn't allowed to cancel he scheduled visit as written in the Separation Agreement in 2002. Can she force him to take his child or can he 'forfeit' his access weekend with ample notice - like 7 months notice.

    He was going to respond to her with something like this "I'm not requesting a switch to any weekends but I will be forfeiting the following weekends for the following year" .He will give her the dates and he is not requesting or providing make-up weekends. any thought?
    sorry for any spelling mistakes!

  • #2
    OK, this is going to sound good and bad for you.

    There is nothing stopping you from not showing up to pick up the kid. There is no contempt of court or other similar action that the ex can take on your husband. Bad parents miss parenting time all the time. However, should she have plans that she is otherwise unable to alter, she may be able to come back at your husband for the costs associated with child care when dad was supposed to take the child (but she'd have to take you to court and it just isn't worth it in the cost/benefit battle).

    On the flip side to that is, yeah you want a vacation. But dad has obligations. I can't see how it is a bad thing that he ends up with most the long weekends. Hell, that is a good thing. You guys know your schedule and what your obligations are. As adults you PLAN AROUND THEM. Dad has EOW. If you guys want to do something, you do it on a weekend he isn't supposed to have the kid.

    At the end of the day both sides of this coin are in the wrong. The ex for being inflexible and unreasonable and Dad for thinking a vacation on a long weekend is more important than time with his kid. I think everyone in this scenario needs to give their collective heads a shake.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by HammerDad View Post

      At the end of the day both sides of this coin are in the wrong. The ex for being inflexible and unreasonable and Dad for thinking a vacation on a long weekend is more important than time with his kid. I think everyone in this scenario needs to give their collective heads a shake.
      We need a like button. ^^^^like and concur with it.

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      • #4
        we aren't putting our vacation needs above the kids needs - we have 4 kids 22,20.19 and 16(will be 17 by then) - were are asking because we are moving one across the country to settle at college in August and the other 2 back to residence at University on Labor Day weekend no other move in option ... its hard to do with a disabled child and even harder when you have to buy an extra plane ticket and hire sitters to watch this disabled child while you settle your other kids. Its not about vacation ..

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        • #5
          Originally posted by sundaysmom View Post
          we aren't putting our vacation needs above the kids needs - we have 4 kids 22,20.19 and 16(will be 17 by then) - were are asking because we are moving one across the country to settle at college in August and the other 2 back to residence at University on Labor Day weekend no other move in option ... its hard to do with a disabled child and even harder when you have to buy an extra plane ticket and hire sitters to watch this disabled child while you settle your other kids. Its not about vacation ..
          Being that it is not a vacation, it does change things slightly, or at least perceptions.

          Again, there is nothing stopping him from not showing up. IMO, it isn't the answer though.

          Is it possible that only you take the child with one of the older children to settle them into college? Do you really need both parents to do this? I am just thinking there has to some alternative arrangement here.

          Parenting time is precious. It isn't something that should be given up lightly. Personally, I don't give up parenting time. I will switch etc to make things work out, but I always get my parenting time.

          The ex sounds like she's a real piece of work. She should be reasonable and she should be willing to make accomodations when provided with reasonable notice, and vice versa for you guys. But you can't change stupid. And a nutjob is gonna nutjob.

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          • #6
            HammerDad knocks it out of the park with his answer, as is often the case.

            (HOME-RUN!!)

            HD. When we gonna do beers?

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            • #7
              Thanks for the advice ... we aren't trying to give up parenting time , we just wanted to be with our baby for a few days out west. We are moving our 19 year old (my daughter , his step-daughter for the last 14 years) 3000 kms away. We both really wanted to help her settle into a new apartment in a strange town. We did plan to add a few days on to help her out with furniture purchases set up etc...

              The other 2 kids we move in by alternating who watches the disabled child while we do the drive back and forth , last year 7 trips back and forth ..one of these other 2 kids we move back to school is his ex's child as well..but his ex refuses to help do any of the move because it falls on her weekend off.. and has fallen on her weekend off for the 3 years we have had to move them up. See where I'm going with this - it's not about being fair , its about control and no wanting to give up her 'free' time as she puts it.

              So we asked nicely well in advance to be able to go with my daughter and do the move with less stress.. we got this back ... "I might have commitments or plans seeing these are both long weekends you are requesting - I am not willing to give up my free time, you will have to make other arrangements not involving me keeping (child's name) those weekends".

              Can you see why we are contemplating just not picking his son up those weekends.. we aren't trying to leave his ex stranded but ....

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              • #8
                I agree with HammerDad.

                I can understand how it can get hectic, as we are in the same boat with my partner's kids. They are young so there is no way they can be left alone. We have them almost every long weekend, and honestly, we would not change it for the world. Any extra time with the children is awesome.

                That being said, seeing as the other children are older, can the two that are not moving across the province not care for this other child? Surely they are capable of doing so at their ages. When it comes to labour day weekend... I have moved for college twice, both times took me on day to do so. My problem is, it seems he wants to forfeit parenting time because it is more convenient for him and everyone else. Like HammerDad pointed out, you don't HAVE to show up, however it is unfortunate for the child that the ex is not willing to work things out.

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                • #9
                  Yes, of course it would be better for the mom to help out and then receive consideration in return. And most here would love to have "first right of refusal" taken very seriously...... (which is what you are offering).

                  But, bottom line, the son is his Dad's responsibility during that time and you need to find someone to care for him so that you can take "your baby" off to college. The Dad needs to find appropriate care during that weekend.

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                  • #10
                    A possible alternative to look into...

                    Many towns have respite families available and a large portion of cost is covered by the local disabled youth organizations. For example, if your in Ontario;

                    Funding & Services | Community Living Ontario

                    Being that it's far in advance you could contact them and ask about local respite families. Chances are S16 is already linked with their services- if he's not, it can only benefit to start.

                    Just a thought...

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                    • #11
                      reply to OhMy:Being that it's far in advance you could contact them and ask about local respite families. Chances are S16 is already linked with their services- if he's not, it can only benefit to start.

                      Thank you for the answer without attacking me or my husband .. we have been down the road of Respite care - My husbands ex does use 'respite home care' EOW on her Saturday and community living services every Monday night in her community. We have contacted them and we found out the hard way as non custodial parents we are not eligible for the services in our town. Spots are very limited and the ex is currently using all the alloted time/finances available for the services in her community. I literally was on the phone with them last week since we were willing to pay for a saturday spot .. the child has no friends or support system in our community and the answer was that they cannot give a spot to a person who does not live in the community.The older kids have their own lives, jobs etc... but sincerely thank you for the suggestion..

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                      • #12
                        If the other parent does not want to co-operate, with switching weekends, there is not much you can do about it. We wish "ex"'es would co-operate, but as you can see by the number of postings on this forum, that is usually not the case. haha.

                        This seems like a trivial matter, if it's only the one "moving/start of school" weekend, given how much time there is, to plan alternative arrangements ahead of time. Surely, the other siblings could help out, despite having their own lives, jobs, etc...if they have months of notice?

                        I wish you luck.

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                        • #13
                          Sorry, two weekends I guess, from re-reading your post(s). But there are still months to plan-ahead.

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