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  • 12yr old daughter outside til 3am at Dads house!

    My ex husband is living pt with his (now back together again) gf whom has a 13 year old daughter. My daughter is 12. The girls are very close, like sisters. My older son and my ex stay at his apartment and the girls sometimes with the gf, on his weekends. I am now aware that the girls are playing truth or dare games with neighborhood kids, including boys, whom they have kissed. Here we go...
    AND then I find out that the girls are inside and outside of the adjoining neighbors home until 3am, with the neighbors outside but gf has gone to bed.
    My message to my ex was a respectable, concerned one asking him to speak with his gf to find out what was going on and if "she" was aware, as she was the one responsible for both of them,as my ex was not there. I spoke with my daughter about all the reasons why I did not agree with the situation and that I shared with her Dad. She was upset with me for making a big deal about it. My ex replied to me and said his impression from this situation is perhaps this is an issue of trust and that she feels i do not trust our daughter enough to make the right decisions for herself, whether it's 3AM or 3PM may not be relevant! OMG ! Here is where I am freaking out!! I have stated to him that all I want to know is that she is safe and that there are realistic rules in place to protect her. any suggestions on how to proceed to protect my daughter when she is not with me? So our conversation between my ex and I are thru email.

  • #2
    Weekend or weekday?

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    • #3
      K the staying out till 3am is bad but are you sure of the time?

      As to the truth and dare game, I think pretty well every child has played that at one time or another, plus spin the bottle.

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      • #4
        At 12, if the worst thing she has done is kissed a boy, you should count yourself lucky. I have friends who are middle school teachers, and some of the things they've caught the kids doing in the bathrooms/etc would blow your mind.

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        • #5
          Let me get this straight. The kids were next door. The "neighbours" I take it were adults, the parents of the girls' friends. They were "outside", meaning what? Sitting on the porch or in the backyard chatting? You say she stays over at the gf's place "on his weekends" so this wasn't a school night.

          So she had a sleepover at her friend's place on a weekend and they stayed up late in the yard with adult supervision.

          My daughter does similar things all the time. Are you implying there is something wrong with it being "his" weekend with the kids and he allows a sleepover? Are you implying that staying up late with a friend is problematic? That being in the yard with friends while supervised by adults is wrong? Or is it kissing a boy that is freaking you out?

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          • #6
            IMO, I don't think kids at age 12 should be out til 3am. Up? Sure - they stay UP late, but AT the house they are sleeping over AT. In the case above, D12 is at the neighbors of a GF of her Dad's. Dad's GF is in bed, and Dad is not even present. ^"as my ex was not there."

            Where was Dad? With your son - at his place? How close does he live to GF?

            The "truth/dare" game - well - I think that's part and parcel of being a tweenie. I don't have a daughter, so I can't totally relate but 12 or 13 is about when I first kissed a boy. Seems "these days" though, there can be A LOT more than kissing going on. Also, kids seem to be developing a lot more rapidly! I've seen a couple of 12/13 year olds that look more like 15... That being said, I don't allow my S13 to be "out" til 3am, and I wouldn't like finding out that he was "OUT" until that time, somewhere else.
            Last edited by hadenough; 05-17-2012, 09:13 AM.

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            • #7
              I don't think there's anything (legally) you can do. Realistically, you trusted him as a parent when you were together and you've got to trust that he is still operating with his child's best interest in mind and that he isn't putting your kid in harm's way by letting her be a teenager which is indeed what they are doing. You trust him to supervise, he trusts the GF who in turn trusts the neighbours as conscientious parents. The saying 'it takes a village...' rings true.


              As far as the activities the girls are engaging in, your ex is the wrong person to be speaking to. The person you SHOULD be speaking to is your daughter, in regards to values, expectations, consequences and making good choices. Your child needs to be armed with the understanding and skills to govern herself accordingly, regardless of the company she keeps.


              Your ex is right, the time is irrelevant. Your child needs to make better choices for herself- whether it's 3 pm or 3 am. and THAT is the conversation you should have with your ex. have a discussion around values and expectations and the two of you being on the same page about what is acceptable and not and then at least you have a consistent plan to support each other in the values you're instilling in your child towards encouraging her to make good choices.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                I don't think there's anything (legally) you can do.
                CAS wouldn't do anything really. The child is too close to the age of 14 and there isn't much you can do. As well, from the description of the OP it doesn't constitute "neglect" against the CAS scales in my opinion. The courts and CAS are not there to police "bad" parents... Just "dangerous" parents.

                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                Realistically, you trusted him as a parent when you were together and you've got to trust that he is still operating with his child's best interest in mind and that he isn't putting your kid in harm's way by letting her be a teenager which is indeed what they are doing. You trust him to supervise, he trusts the GF who in turn trusts the neighbours as conscientious parents. The saying 'it takes a village...' rings true.
                Wise words all solicitors need to repeat to all their clients in the first meeting.

                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                As far as the activities the girls are engaging in, your ex is the wrong person to be speaking to. The person you SHOULD be speaking to is your daughter, in regards to values, expectations, consequences and making good choices. Your child needs to be armed with the understanding and skills to govern herself accordingly, regardless of the company she keeps.
                Excellent parental advice.

                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                Your ex is right, the time is irrelevant. Your child needs to make better choices for herself- whether it's 3 pm or 3 am. and THAT is the conversation you should have with your ex. have a discussion around values and expectations and the two of you being on the same page about what is acceptable and not and then at least you have a consistent plan to support each other in the values you're instilling in your child towards encouraging her to make good choices.
                Young adults are not children. If you parent your child in an overbearing or over anxious manner your child will reject you possibly. I would take Blink's advice above and worry less and parent more.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

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                • #9
                  Although a little off-topic: there's a show I enjoy on Investigation Discovery Channel called "Who the (bleep) did I Marry?"

                  Any of us who have had long-term relationships go 'south' once trusted our partner to some degree, at the time - maturity or lack of it, being a big factor of course.

                  Regardless, 12 is the new 15 in many ways as kids these days have access to so many things and information that simply wasn't available back in the day, or not addressed.

                  I personally would not want or allow my 12 year old to be out til 3am. Having said that, there is a "letting go" factor involved when the child is with the other parent - whether the other parent is 'present' or not. Awareness, boundaries and education are of the utmost importance. I think discussing this openly and calmly will yield the best results. Better to know the truth (from our kids) any day, over being lied to and finding things out later. Parenting is not an easy job and when a family breaks up, that job is often made more difficult as so many other variables come into play. IE: dad has a new gf or wife. Or mom, or both.

                  Sometimes we are being over protective and that's why this forum is helpful - to get a good idea of what other people's opinions are. In the end: open lines of communication with our kids is the best strategy. There is no absolute guarantee of the outcome. At 12, kids are highly influenced by their peers. Enoughalready11: hopefully you and Dad can get on the same page and make sure your daughter is comfortable talking to you about anything. I've told my son 50 times, "you can speak with me about anything - good, bad or ugly - I am here to listen and help."

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                  • #10
                    You must be worried as a mother...
                    But Blink's advice is spot on. I used to egg my parents on when I was a teen, and tell them that they could continue to make my curfew earlier and earlier...however anything I could do after, I could also do before ! You should talk to your daughter...that is the most important priority.
                    I remember being 12, and playing truth or date with the neighbourhood kids, and kissing a boy at that age...that's as far as it went, and those were great times ! Innocent fun...
                    Last edited by May_May; 05-18-2012, 12:19 AM. Reason: typo

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                    • #11
                      The daughter was at a sleep over at a neighbour's house. If you have a problem with anyone, it is with the neighbour.

                      The father, who wasn't there because it was a sleepover at a friend's house, may not have been happy about it either, but he drawing a boundary with you because you are attacking him over it.

                      I don't see any difference between staying up late in the backyard with the adults supervising, or staying up late in the basement. You are claiming there is a difference because you want something to have a conflict over.

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                      • #12
                        Mess: the sleepover was @the gf's house. The gf was in bed. The dad was not there. The kids were @a neighbour of the gf's house. (Gf's daughter and OP's D12).

                        I think the girls should have been told to be back in the house (the GF's house) by a pre-set time. Preferably "before" the GF retired for the night. There's nothing wrong with hanging out at the neighbour's house. There's also nothing wrong with setting down a reasonable time to be BACK in the house "by."

                        Just my opinion. The parents should have consistency between the two homes. Easier said than done - but still true. I didn't see anything in the OP's comments that suggested she was "attacking" the father. Whether or not she did, is debatable but that's not what she indicated in her description of the situation as to how she addressed him.
                        Last edited by hadenough; 05-18-2012, 08:56 AM.

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                        • #13
                          I don't understand your point. The sleepover was at her friend's house, the friend being the daughter of the the father's girlfriend, yes, but how does that matter?

                          The father wasn't there, it was a sleepover. The kids were under adult supervision, not running rampant through the neighbourhood. I don't see what the issue is there.

                          Please define the issue then. Should the daughter be in bed by xx:xx on a weekend? Frankly I don't think the mother should be this controlling when the child is not in her custody.

                          Is the issue that the daughter wasn't staying with the father and was at the friend's house? This would be absurdly controlling.

                          The OP's complaint was that the father wasn't responding to her in a positive way. I don't believe she has articulated a reasonable position.

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                          • #14
                            I think the issue, from what I read, is that the girls were out so late on dad's time, spending the night at dad's GF's house but out until 3 after the GF went to bed but under the supervision of the neighbours. Really, I still don't see an issue, aside from a clear concern over WHAT the girls were doing, which comes back to setting expectations with the child.

                            I get the impression there is some concern over the supervision of the girls since the GF went to bed and left them in the care of the neighbours but the GF clearly trusted the neighbours to supervise so, IMO, that shouldn't be an issue either.

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                            • #15
                              All good points, Blink. Perhaps once the OP has gone through everyone's comments she can clarify a few things.

                              I recall years ago, my ex had our son at his friend's house. A couple with 2 kids. The kids live on a very busy street with cars parked on both sides. The daughter (I believe about 8, at the time) routinely rode her bike/scooter etc up and down the street while her parents were inside the house. She also dropped in on neighbor's with a pool and would be gone for 45 min to an hour at a time. I knew this couple from when I was still with my ex. I always thought they were a little "too" laid back in their parenting. Perhaps I was a little in the other direction, at the time. I was not thrilled when I heard that the 8 year old girl and my son (9 at the time) were rolling through the street and neighborhood in what was a high traffic area, with hills - and my son not being too familiar with the area. All the while the parents were inside and I believe my ex and the husband (of the couple) were heavily engaged in playing X-box for several hours. I admit - that story made me uneasy.

                              Anyway, perhaps there is "more to" the concerns the OP has. Hard to say. I'm relieved that my son is 13 now and although I will always be concerned for his safety, he is more mature and has a good understanding of what the dangers are. He skateboards a lot and I was going to pick him up recently and saw a woman blow right through a stop sign. It almost made my hair turn white, lol. I wanted to get up beside her and say something but it didn't happen, as she turned off onto a side road. I thought about all the kids, including mine that were biking/blading/boarding in this area. Bottom line: even though my little story has nothing to do with the above situation: you have to speak to your kids about how to make proper choices and how to govern themselves accordingly. At this age, they are young adults just starting to explore the world and themselves. There's a lot they need to learn. Only some of that can be taught.
                              Last edited by hadenough; 05-18-2012, 10:17 AM.

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