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When are you a step parent

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  • #16
    I don't think any of us considered my DH as a "stepparent", until our wedding day. And we had been together 4 years (living together for 2 or 3 of those). We had a simple ceremony, inclusive of the kidlet, and she participated in our vows. We all knew what we were walking in to.

    Stripes, that is just crazy- "some things I really ought to know" ?? lol
    Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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    • #17
      I have always figured that our daughter will figure it out on her own pretty well. Since I call my wife by her first name my daughter from my ex called her that as well. Since my wife and daughter have known each other since my daughter was 2 (now 7 1/2) she is understanding when someone calls my wife her Mother and does not protest. Now that we are expecting a child soon I have a feeling (but don't really care) that my D7 will start calling my wife "Mom" a bit more as that will be the general term that we will use for my wife in the house. Whatever she chooses is ok with us though. My wife and daughter have an extremly strong bond and are very close so it really does not matter to us.
      My ex on the other hand forces our daughter to call every boyfriend "Daddy". They always refer to me by my first name to our daughter and try and teach her that I am "Daddy (first name)" and that the current boyfriend is "Daddy". Its to the point where we were making a christmas card for her mom and brother and moms boyfriend and my daughter got upset because she didn't want me to know that she called someone else Daddy, and if she didn't write "Daddy" in the card she would get in alot of trouble at home. Talk about tearing your heartstrings out, but I told her that I am not upset and I do not want her to get in trouble at her moms house so she can feel free to write whatever she wants.

      BTW I think we are on "Daddy" 4 now and our daughter is only 7.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by fireweb13 View Post
        I have always figured that our daughter will figure it out on her own pretty well. Since I call my wife by her first name my daughter from my ex called her that as well. Since my wife and daughter have known each other since my daughter was 2 (now 7 1/2) she is understanding when someone calls my wife her Mother and does not protest. Now that we are expecting a child soon I have a feeling (but don't really care) that my D7 will start calling my wife "Mom" a bit more as that will be the general term that we will use for my wife in the house. Whatever she chooses is ok with us though. My wife and daughter have an extremly strong bond and are very close so it really does not matter to us.
        My ex on the other hand forces our daughter to call every boyfriend "Daddy". They always refer to me by my first name to our daughter and try and teach her that I am "Daddy (first name)" and that the current boyfriend is "Daddy". Its to the point where we were making a christmas card for her mom and brother and moms boyfriend and my daughter got upset because she didn't want me to know that she called someone else Daddy, and if she didn't write "Daddy" in the card she would get in alot of trouble at home. Talk about tearing your heartstrings out, but I told her that I am not upset and I do not want her to get in trouble at her moms house so she can feel free to write whatever she wants.

        BTW I think we are on "Daddy" 4 now and our daughter is only 7.
        Oh we are well into " Mommy" 2 and separation has only been 15 months. I think new GF moved in before old GF had removed her possessions. Scary thong is the new GF has 2 boys of her own, which she does not have custody of, yet she is a stay at home Mom! Just needs a child in the house now!

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        • #19
          My ex moved out of the matrimonial home into her BF's house. She forced the step-kid step-dad down the kids throats. 6 months later her bf kicked her and the kids out. Kids stayed with me for 6 weeks while my ex got back on her feet.

          For me going forward I would prefer to be called my name instead of step-dad to any future partners kids but as mentioned in this thread it's actually pretty difficult as social norms expect labels...

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          • #20
            My Step Parent Experience

            My experience being a step parent was made horrible by STBX. She expected me to be new Dad from day one and I had wanted to get to know her kids before I decided to parent them.

            After an 18 month marriage she filed a family application claiming child support for her three kids so she could get a court order forcing me to pay table 3 child support for three non biological children.

            I already had two sons who are almost adults who I support and I would have been financially destroyed had she been successful in court. She lied in her affidavit and said her kids called me Dad and they never had. I told the court that my relationship with her kids was a friendship and that they had never called me Dad. I proved to the court they were never on my company benefit plan and the Judge believed me and her application did not succeed.

            I felt like a heal because I truly liked her kids and STBX made me feel like a jerk by dragging me in front of a family court judge to explain why I shouldn't pay for their upbringing.

            Before that experience, I had never heard of Chartier v. Chartier decision made by the Supreme Court that gives adults no rights over their own destiny after divorcing someone with kids.

            My advice from my own experience is that step parents need to establish boundaries with a partners kids until they are truly ready to commit to parenting.

            Be kind to your partner's children but ask them to refer to you by your first name. Do not refer to your step kids as "my son or my daughter" in any correspondence. Do not get involved with their school or teachers, do not apply to adopt/apply for guardianship, do not add step kids to your benefit plan at work, do not give birthday cards signed "Mom or Dad", do not send emails signed "Mom or Dad", otherwise it may be a very expensive and financially crippling lesson if a relationship falls apart with a partner who has kids from a prior partner.

            Be a kind step parent, but keep boundaries and let the biological parents do the parenting until you know you're ready to commit to the long term.
            Last edited by EdmDad; 02-08-2014, 12:24 AM. Reason: clarity

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            • #21
              There should be a website to report predators like her called "childsupportville.com - warn other men

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              • #22
                In my eyes , the moment you move in in the same residence you become a step parent.

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