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  • #16
    There was that horrible story of the father who committed Murder-Suicide last year. I wish someone had helped him. I wish he would have accepted professional help. Did his ex-wife have any inkling that he was going to lose it and snap? What made him think he had NO other choice but to take the action he did?

    Was there any signs of mental instability? Was he able to hold it together long enough to persuade people he was managing ok? Was he simply written off as someone who was caught in the middle of a divorce/custody battle and thereby the signs of stress were perfectly "normal."

    He must have been in the depths of despair and so desperate to commit such a violent act. Why did no one notice? He had friends and family, did they have any sense that something terrible was going to happen? Where was his support system?

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    • #17
      We've all read stories about people who commit murders/suicides and even their closest friends and family have no idea they were desperate in any way, shape or form. Sometimes the people who offer to help them are refused. The onus is on the recipient of this abuse...to try and protect themselves and their loved ones.

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      • #18
        It sounds like you could use some help of your own. I am not trying to be unkind but you seem to be worrying a lot. Of course I am not a professional nor can somebody on the net know enough abbout your circumstance.
        What I do know is that it would be better for you and your children if you didn't feeli like you are. Maybe get an appointment to speak to someone?
        You can't change or do anything about how your ex lives their life but you can and should be able to be the best and happiest person you can be.
        Hope this helps.

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        • #19
          Totally agree and an excellent idea.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by caranna View Post
            You might want to contact your school. They've experienced his emails. I'm quite sure they would be able to direct you to someone who could help you deal with these issues, and provide the necessary information to guide you, and are understanding of your situation.

            It doesn't appear that your ex is ever going to change for the better. If he does, great, but in the meantime, you need people around you who can give you support.


            ^^My previous message (above) had the same sentiment as faith and morals but faith expressed it clearer than I. Please make an appointment with a counsellor. The school very likely knows counsellors who can help you, or at least give you references to contact. You can also ask your doctor or a minister.

            I have found counselling invaluable regarding dealing with issues of my abusive and contentious stbx. You will find counselling will open up a wealth of information and self-knowledge about yourself that will be helpful, and will aid you in being able to let go of the past, and stop worrying so much about the future. In turn, your children will benefit as well, in part because you will have developed a confidence and sureness about yourself and that will have a spillover effect in their lives. You will have a focus and determination to make the best of your lives and really, if this sounds like I think counselling is helpful...yes.

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            • #21
              Any party going through a high conflict divorce should have to attend mandatory mental health sessions. They really should have a dedicated office in every court house staffed by counsellors.

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              • #22
                Sounds like a good idea. An even better idea would be mandatory pre-marital counselling. I know it sounds dictatorial, but think of all the heartache and money that would be saved. It wouldn't be fool-proof, but would help tremendously, I think.

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                • #23
                  Yes, I would have benefited from that!

                  I would have liked someone to ask me the following questions:

                  What is your plan if things go wrong? Do you have a financial plan? Have you discussed finances with your husband to be? He has always lived with his parents and has no intention of ever leaving them, are you ok with that? Does he think you have any rights of your own? Do you know whether he is ok with you having an opinion of your own? Have you discussed children and how you would parent them? Do you know how he deals with dissappointment or setbacks? How does he react when things do not go his way? Do you know how he responds to loss of control?

                  If I married anyone again, I would have to insist on psych exam. I know its unromantic, but I just could not deal with another one like him.
                  Last edited by Nadia; 11-24-2012, 05:15 PM.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                    Yes, I would have benefited from that!

                    I would have liked someone to ask me the following questions:

                    What is your plan if things go wrong? Do you have a financial plan? Have you discussed finances with your husband to be? He has always lived with his parents and has no intention of ever leaving them, are you ok with that? Does he think you have any rights of your own? Do you know how he deals with dissappointment or setbacks? How does he react when things do not go his way? Do you know how he responds to loss of control? Have you considered the possibility that your ex might in fact be a nutcase in disguise? Have you considered the fact that you may have to deal with his craziness long after you have left him?

                    If I married anyone again, I would have to insist on psych exam. I know its unromantic, but I just could not deal with another one like him.
                    Are you joking? Really, I'm serious. Again I'm not judging, but do you really think that someone should ask you questions like that about a spouse to be? That would be taking a lot upon yourself, such as responsibility for knowing about his actions.

                    A few individual sessions and then a couple of sessions together would be ideal. I could go on and on about what I feel would need to be discussed along general lines but you get the idea.

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                    • #25
                      Yes, I was joking in respect to "nutase in disguise" etc which is why I edited it. But everyone should have a frank and open discussion about finances, approach to parenting, decision-making, rights and responsibilities and how to deal with conflict as it arises.
                      Last edited by Nadia; 11-24-2012, 05:23 PM.

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                      • #26
                        Totally agreed. That covers just about everything.

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                          Any party going through a high conflict divorce should have to attend mandatory mental health sessions. They really should have a dedicated office in every court house staffed by counsellors.
                          We should have mandatory mental health assessments in order to get married in the first place.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Mess View Post
                            We should have mandatory mental health assessments in order to get married in the first place.
                            LOL! Seriously, yes I think that should be included in the "pre-marital counselling."

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Mess View Post
                              My ex periodically breaks down. I know she mixes prescription meds at times with booze and goes into psychotic states. I don't send the kids over then.

                              A month ago she sent me repeated messages about how if I made any more "demands" of her it would mean her death. At the time all I wanted to do was update our SA according to our most recent tax returns.

                              She threatened her death several times, with no specifics. When I said I would quote her and seek a parenting assessment she backed off from the statements.

                              So yeah, I know what you mean. You can't get a court order to force someone to be reasonable. We make the best out of what we have to work with.
                              Very histrionic pattern of behaviour. Highly conflicted people who are on histrionic scales see any form of negotiation (settlement) as a "win-lose" situation and that the world is out to get them.

                              Often with histrionics even the mentioning of changing something sends them into a whirl wind of defense, blame and projection. Even if you are trying to IMPROVE something... It is just their default reaction to anything often.

                              Good Luck!
                              Tayken

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                              • #30
                                The fact is, people can hide things and often do. Pre-marital counseling might be of some benefit to some, but unless there is intensive psychoanalysis, there's not likely to be any stunning revelations made that would put up the big red flag that some of us missed when we met our (now) ex's. I missed the red flag and the freak flag.

                                A lot of these ppl are inherently crafty and manipulative and can easily pass for 'normal.' It takes a long time to truly get to know someone (imo) and sometimes we never 'really' know them. Here's an example: I had clients years ago that I dealt with on a daily basis, and for several years. I just saw an expose about them on W5 recently. It was beyond shocking, to say the least.

                                Tayken: I tried to PM you but your inbox is full.
                                Last edited by hadenough; 11-25-2012, 11:49 AM.

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