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  • #46
    But you ARE concerned with what your ex is up to. We're all trying to tell you to stop and focus on getting through all the allegations made against you and the upcoming legal activities. By worrying about what could possibly be happening youre making yourself look crazy and unstable. You are a good parent, you deserve equal access to your child and you want to get through this process with a healthy future for your child. Quit worrying about all the other crap it just makes you look nuts.

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    • #47
      Originally posted by SadAndTired View Post
      Rushing into a "step parent" relationship especially when there is no marriage is ridiculous. Definitely not in the best interest of the child who is still reeling from the loss of their family unit.
      I dont think marriage is a pre-requisite for having a loving, stable, healthy, nurturing step family. The fact that you think that is pretty ridiculous if you ask me. AT what point will this be okay in your world. 1 year? 2? 5? A decade?

      But sorry Bautista .. I pretty much agree with all the other posters on background checks, etc.

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      • #48
        "By worrying about what could possibly be happening youre making yourself look crazy and unstable"

        If none of you are ever concerned about what happens at your ex's home, I can't believe that.

        btw, we are talking about being concerned, as opposed to not giving a sh*t.

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        • #49
          once again, background checks is what was suggested to me.

          what I am getting is that even thinking about it makes me crazy and unstable.

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          • #50
            Originally posted by bautista27 View Post
            "By worrying about what could possibly be happening youre making yourself look crazy and unstable"

            If none of you are ever concerned about what happens at your ex's home, I can't believe that.

            btw, we are talking about being concerned, as opposed to not giving a sh*t.
            There will be "concerns" your whole life. Just dont let those concerns translate in to irrational thoughts and/or actions.

            Balance of probabilities are what the courts rule on. You need proof of violence...proof the child is being maltreated or suffering in any way. In the absence of these things you have nothing. Divorce/separation is tough.

            My ex actually really likes my new g/f. Because D4 speaks highly of her probably. Her and ex chat, etc (at exchanges). Ex writes that she appreciates her role in D4's life. Just as I will respect my ex's new bf's role in the future.

            Of course nobody likes the current situation we're in .. just as you dont.

            But these feelings will pass my friend. Keep your head up and try to focus on more productive things.

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            • #51
              Originally posted by bautista27 View Post
              once again, background checks is what was suggested to me.

              what I am getting is that even thinking about it makes me crazy and unstable.

              This suggests to me that you need some help for yourself adjusting to post-divorce life. The reality is that you can't control who your ex sees or who comes into her home, and if that is very difficult for you to handle, you should seek out some counselling before you do something you regret. Your earlier post mention allegations of domestic violence - I have no idea what is going on with these allegations, but this suggests that the situation is pretty volatile and keeping a cool, calm head is really important right now.

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              • #52
                "The reality is that you can't control who your ex sees or who comes into her home, and if that is very difficult for you to handle..."

                I never suggested control, nor did I say it is difficult for me to handle. Nothing would please me more than not caring what she does.

                I am learning that a lot of ppl on this forum have their own personal experiences reflect strongly in their responses. My situation is probably much different than yours.

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                • #53
                  What we're getting is that youre trying to defend an indefensible action by saying that the OCL suggested it so its ok. This is a person brought in because of false accusations against you and the comment could have their report thrown out. How does that make it sound better.

                  Think about how it sounds to us. Your ex got pregnant by a guy she met on the internet who doesnt want the kid. So now you want to do background checks on anyone around your kid. Crazy talk. But its not crazy talk because the OCL person suggested it offhand.

                  Yet we're all bad people clouded by our own experiences. Right.

                  Hey go and do your background checks. Hire a private investigator. When your ex gets a restraining order and youre laughed out of court please understand when us pacifists who dont care about our kids say I told you so.

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                  • #54
                    There are probably much better ways to have a discussion about the ex's gentleman callers and background checks, than labeling one as crazy, unstable, helicopter parenting, controlling..etc.

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                    • #55
                      I can totally understand your concern regarding possibility of pervs being around your children. I am so very grateful that I am not walking in your shoes.

                      So lets back up a bit. How did you find out your ex got pregnant by a guy who didn't want the kid? (BTW I think many people find themselves stressed out when they first find out they are pregnant and many people do not want the 'unwanted pregnancy' but few would admit it). How did you find out your ex is sleeping with random strangers met on the internet?

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                      • #56
                        your ex got pregnant by a guy who didn't want the kid? she told me.

                        How did you find out your ex is sleeping with random strangers met on the internet? I saw her online profile, I saw pictures, I was told by a reliable source (her son) that she was travelling to meet a "gentleman", it was her MO before she met me.

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                        • #57
                          Is there an immediate, credible threat to your children? If so, call the authorities. If it's more a matter that you really don't like your your ex is doing and your mind is racing with the what-ifs and could-it-bes, that's why I suggest you seek help for yourself.

                          Yes, it's pretty unappealing to think about your former wife sleeping with a bunch of guys (or gals). But unless the children are directly harmed by this, it's her life to do as she wants. And if this is what she was doing when you met her, it is likely that this is what she will continue doing.

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                          • #58
                            I can agree with you there, Stripes.

                            for the record, my mind is not racing. Her getting pregnant seems to have tempered her ways.

                            but yes, in the future, she is free to do what she wants, as am I.
                            When I do go back into dating, my personal choice is to take my time before introducing her to my daughter. I can appreciate that some might not agree with this stance.

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                            • #59
                              Curious - how did you met her yourself? Online dating perhaps?

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                              • #60
                                Mutual friend introduction

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