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  • Thanks for the posts - I appreciate people's time and attention on my situation. I am going to clarify a few things but again I am weary of the disclosure of information/ confidentiality issue. This city is really small place.

    - hospital. I was in the hospital for almost a week. Over exhausted. He didn't stay one night with us. I asked him, he refused. He has no job, so work is not an excuse. He did come and visit, but helped with nothing. My most difficult time was at night when nurses didn't come by often. I almost dropped the baby due to my post partum situation( legs frozen from epi). It was very unsafe for the baby. Eventually I overexhausted myself and the nurse had take the baby away, next day the baby's weight lost exceeded 10% also dehydrated ( my milk was not enough). Also started some treatment- my ex still wouldn't stay with us because he had planned night life that day.

    - why got pregnant with him? Good question. It was unplanned, I did go to abortion counselling - counsellor reassured me that worse case senario I could make an excellent single mother if the father doesn't step up. I decided to give it a try, hoping he would change when the baby arrives. Nope, he didn't. He made it very clear when baby was born that " although there is a baby now, I can do whatever I want". On top of that he became very mean to me. He was disgusted with my post partum bleeding, got very angry if I cried. Yes he physically took the baby from me if I cried, sometimes during my breastfeeding, sometimes when the baby was falling asleep. It was unbearable. I was not allowed to cry at home. He made fun of my adult underwear because of my bleeding, asking me why I was still wearing "f@&& diapers?"


    - yes people were invited to our home the first day I came home. I told him if we could keep the guests away for a few days. He said it is his house he could do whatever he wanted. I couldn't entertain the guests and went upstairs after the dinner, he asked me why I was such "downer". I told him I was in pain. He said " nah you are ok". After that every other day i had people over drinking : video gaming until after midnight. Ex moved to another bedroom since he didn't wanna be bothered by the baby at night- i also told him if he doesn't go to bed before midnight then please don't come to our bedroom since it will wake the baby up. He however still woke both of us most of the time because he would be drunk and turning on every single light in the house. ( this is after our doctor convinced him that the baby should be sleeping in the same room as the mother)

    - i was not perfect in the relationship. Before baby I could reasonably argue with him, if he yelled at me I could tell back. After the baby I lost any ability to defend myself because talkign care of an infant took all my energy, time and even the courage. I didn't want to fight in front of the baby either. Physically I was very weak from the complicated labour. When relative offered help and asked me to stay with them for a weekl or two, ex told me that if I do that then " we are done" - there were other threats but I cannot disclose.....which to these days I still don't understand why. He refused to help, but he wouldn't let others help either.

    Comment


    • Thank you for sharing this. One thing I can say is that I would be requesting that he abstain from alcohol when with the child.

      It is a very sad situation. It sounds as though he doesn't want to grow up. I don't want to make excuses for him but I would point out that it is quite possible that in time he will indeed mature and become a functioning, effective parent.

      With that said I still think he should have as much contact with the the child. Maybe if he spends a bit more time with the baby he will realize how important it is for him to grow up. From what you've shared with us it sounds as though there would be little chance that he would want to spend much alone time with the baby (hopefully). His mother will have her work cut out for her if she thinks she can make her son become a caring and loving father by the sounds of things.

      Comment


      • To continue from my last post

        I didn't know what DV was, I thought we were just constantly fighting. However he learned a trick to win after the baby was born. He knew if he did anything to the baby it would get me mad. So every fight we had, he would either take the baby out of my arm telling me that I was not allowed to hold him, or be very rough with the baby. To these days I wasn't sure if he wanted to intentionally hurt the baby or just had difficulties controlling his anger. Once he became angry at me and he pulled the blakent quickly under the baby and my poor son flipped upside down in his crib. How can I NOT get emotional thinking about it? I know he probably didn't mean to hurt the baby, he was just angry, and he had to do something to get back at me. I felt helpless. I didn't know what to do. I don't remmeber why he was so angry, it could be my fault for talking back to him, but it's not the baby's fault. He should not put it on the baby. the baby did nothing wrong to him.


        The nurse suggested me shelter. I told ex if he continued to be like this I wold go to a shelter. He ignored.

        Our marriage counsellor who saw both of us for a few session told me on the private session after that that my ex was an abuser- that's when I finally realized what it was. A few days before that, ex's sister in law texted me and told me that for the child's sake we should really separate.


        I do believe though my ex won't purposely harm the baby if I am not around. To be fair, I don't think he has ever had a vicious plan either. He was just not ready for married life, or a life where he needs to take responsibility for a child. And of course he has severe anger issue, which surprisingly doesn't come out with other people- people perceives him as a outgoing nice guy. Even the CAS worker told me that it's going to be hard to convince the judge since this guy is well put together.


        should we really put what's happnend in the past in the past? Would my ex ever change his lifestyle and personality? I tried to encourage him learn bond with our son by suggesting him baby class, public health referral, etc, nothing seems to be interesting him. This isn't the legal part of things, I pardon myself for not being legal savvy here. I am just worrying, as a mother, how he is going to take care of our son - when he has no stable job, sleeps until noon all the time, massive spending habit, drinking, video gaming, night life, maybe I am a bit too critical? I do sometimes wonder maybe I shouldn't be asking everybody to be like me.

        when I seperated, I thought it was the law that it should be 50/50 parenting time, so I suggested that to him. Then I realized that it was quite unrealistic. He couldn't even make to all the visits he was supposed to come. Sometimes he said he couldn't make it because of various reasons.... Until later I found out he was just out drinking Witt his friends.... Then he came back and complains about the 20minutes drive he has to do to see the baby.


        What bothers me more is that he puts on a show of claiming he wants the baby. But in the court application there is more financial asking from me than anything, lots of false accusation ... Claiming I was abusive- but want to share custody withr me? If I were him and truly believing my wife is a psycho and crazy- hell! I wouldn't want to share custody with her at all?! Is it this really about the baby I wonder? Or just using the baby as a margin chip for me? Maybe if I say ok I want no child support then he will drop the case?

        Maybe my story seems conflicting within itself. It's a very weird dynamic- I can't articulate. Am I a victim? How could I be? I am the richer , better educated. party here, I have a strong personality, i am protective...how can be a victim? Can he be the abuser? But he is the less educated, less achieved and in a way less powerful party? Soemtimes I am confused too. And to give my ex credit, I think he is quite confused and overwhelmed too. We are both humans, he probably accused I was an abuser on his application fearing that's what I would say about him.


        I tend to drift between the two ends of the spectrum and try to rationalize things. Should I just give up fighting because he is the father of my son? Or should I explosing things and let he be accountable for what he has done? How is it going to affect the way we parent our son in the future? I find the significance and consequence of the actions may mean more than just a 50/50 schedule or custosy dispute.

        Comment


        • I hope the two of you learn to drop the word "abuser" all together from your vocabularies. It sounds like you are being propelled into playing the role of "victim" when this is clearly a matter of two people who don't get along. You have the ways and means to support yourself. You have made a decision to leave so you don't fit my idea of victim. You weren't happy with the situation so you got out.

          I think what you describe are two totally different people who have totally different goals in life. I wonder what attracted you to him?

          Sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other. That can include immature postering, threats and lots and lots of fighting.

          If he doesn't have a job he is likely quite frightened of the prospect of paying money to support a child. Well that's not really your problem because, like it or not, he has to contribute to the raising of his child. Legally speaking I believe child support is the right of the child in Canada.

          Dredging up the past poor behaviour, when you have no intention of staying with him, will do little good. I would try to move forward. Leave the "he said, she said" stuff behind. Focus on what's in the best interest of your child. You have plenty of time ahead of you to psychoanalyse. See if there are any "parenting after separation" courses in your area and start going to them. Figure out how you can best deal with this person.

          Lots and lots of people on this forum with plenty of experience. You have to enact a game-plan (parenting plan) I would think.

          Oh and yes people use their children as financial bargaining chips all the time - such is the nature of family law. Always comes down to the money at some point in time. You will find your situation no different I'm sure.
          Last edited by arabian; 11-09-2014, 01:19 AM.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by arabian View Post
            Thank you for sharing this. One thing I can say is that I would be requesting that he abstain from alcohol when with the child.

            It is a very sad situation. It sounds as though he doesn't want to grow up. I don't want to make excuses for him but I would point out that it is quite possible that in time he will indeed mature and become a functioning, effective parent.

            With that said I still think he should have as much contact with the the child. Maybe if he spends a bit more time with the baby he will realize how important it is for him to grow up. From what you've shared with us it sounds as though there would be little chance that he would want to spend much alone time with the baby (hopefully). His mother will have her work cut out for her if she thinks she can make her son become a caring and loving father by the sounds of things.

            I agree, these few days I have been thinking maybe he needs to practise more with the baby. Then I asked myself, should my son be the guinea pig so that it is convenient for his dad to practise? Everyone talks about the best interest of the child, is it the best interest for my son to be tossed around so his dad can learn how to " grow up"?

            A dad after divorce told me he would drive the earth and back to see his baby, and I was so touched. I can't force a dad to be dad, a dad needs to earn that relationship with his child... even he asked for 3 days to see the child, he shows up only half of the time or 2/3 of the times.


            I would LOVE to see him spending time with the baby. However in his dictionary he should be spending time with the baby only when he wants to. It's always been this way. He is nice to me when he wants to, he does something nice when he wants to. He does a bit work when he wants to...

            divorce is probably the best thing I have ever done in my life, also for my son. Before his dad wouldn't touch him, now his dad at least has to hold him for a prolonged period of time. Before his dad had no schedule for anything, now he has to drive to see his son and be committed to it every week. Before his dad had never touched a bottle, now he has to learn to feed the child- and learned that it isn't as a simple job as he thight it would be.

            Some people here are concerned about his little time with the baby. I am not. I think these "baby steps" are a good start. These days a 2 hour visit I could already see stress on his face. Everytime when he returned the baby he mentioned that the baby cried so much he had to sooth him.. I think he is also learning to understand that having the baby isn't for the purpose of his enjoyment- he has solid responsibility of taking care of a human being. The baby is not a doll. He stopped asking more time these days as I can see he is feeling how serious this is. That's why he doesn't even come to all the visits-Baby is WORK. This is actually what I wanted all along- he starting to understand the meaning of having a child. He and I would never work out as a couple, but I do hope he can become a good dad. All baby steps right now.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by arabian View Post
              I hope the two of you learn to drop the word "abuser" all together from your vocabularies. It sounds like you are being propelled into playing the role of "victim" when this is clearly a matter of two people who don't get along. You have the ways and means to support yourself. You have made a decision to leave so you don't fit my idea of victim. You weren't happy with the situation so you got out.

              I think what you describe are two totally different people who have totally different goals in life. I wonder what attracted you to him?

              Sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other. That can include immature postering, threats and lots and lots of fighting.

              If he doesn't have a job he is likely quite frightened of the prospect of paying money to support a child. Well that's not really your problem because, like it or not, he has to contribute to the raising of his child. Legally speaking I believe child support is the right of the child in Canada.

              Dredging up the past poor behaviour, when you have no intention of staying with him, will do little good. I would try to move forward. Leave the "he said, she said" stuff behind. Focus on what's in the best interest of your child. You have plenty of time ahead of you to psychoanalyse. See if there are any "parenting after separation" courses in your area and start going to them. Figure out how you can best deal with this person.

              Lots and lots of people on this forum with plenty of experience. You have to enact a game-plan (parenting plan) I would think.

              Oh and yes people use their children as financial bargaining chips all the time - such is the nature of family law. Always comes down to the money at some point in time. You will find your situation no different I'm sure.
              What attracted me? He told me he wanted a family! And I did too! I listened to my ears not my heart. He definitely didn't act like he wanted a family. He kept his single lifestyle. The abortion counsellor told me that he wouldn't probably change and asked me not to count on him. Now in hindsight, she was right. My ex might really do want a family, but he wasn't ready neither did he know how to manage it. On top of that, he was super sweet to me at the beginning.


              It doesn't matter how we call it. What happened to me during my pregnancy, labour and post partum was cruel. What happened after the baby was born was not fair for the baby. So I got out quickly- I am sure if there was no baby I would have stayed longer hoping " once a baby comes things will be different". But now I have to be responsible for my child.

              Whether I am a victim or not, people from different angle probably will have a different view. Although he was sometimes physical with me when things got extreme, I had no visible injury. What however hurt me more was the constant putdown, name calling, belittling and mocking. I think I was the victim, but now I learned not to be one.

              I have attended co parenting counselling and learned a lot of tips. Feelings to become strong still sometimes but the contact has already been reduced to the minimal. I don't want to go to court however I have no choice right now but to respond.

              Comment


              • Time to reflect

                I am going to take some time to reflect on what has been said here and try to come up with a direction.


                I thank you all for your input and suggestions here. I am very grateful. I will now work on my application. If there is any update I will let you know.


                Thanks,

                Divorcing mama

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                  this story would almost make me fell like her real name is Miss LF32.
                  I just skimmed through this thread. Pretty shocking stuff. Many similarities. I received a PM from Divorcing Mama without having read her threads. Can you say Deja Vu? HammerDad's posts are spectacular here.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                    The similarities between yourself and LF32's ex are very real, but you just don't want to see it.
                    ?
                    Be very careful how you interpret a "failing relationship". Objectiveness transforms in to subjectivity at an alarming speed. Good qualities are minimized and bad qualities amplified.

                    Re: Physical abuse. Yes it makes a difference in court but you shouldn't only be bringing it forward once you battle for other issues. Police/Restraining orders are available for this. Also, of course you need to prove it.

                    Re: Yelling/loud arguing? .. don't even get me started.

                    Refer to this: http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/
                    Last edited by LovingFather32; 11-09-2014, 01:19 PM.

                    Comment


                    • Just goes to show, buyer beware, LF32. You're too trusting. She sent me a PM proudly declaring that you didn't think there were similarities at all, but I figured it was due to her giving you a whitewashed summary of her situation.

                      I told her that regardless of her abuse allegations being correct, and this guy being a terrible husband, he has still has a right to try and be a decent father. The past should usually stay in the past.

                      Hopefully, for the sake of all concerned, she'll heed the advice here.

                      Comment


                      • I doubt it. Crazy people don't think they are crazy.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
                          Whether I am a victim or not, people from different angle probably will have a different view. Although he was sometimes physical with me when things got extreme, I had no visible injury. What however hurt me more was the constant putdown, name calling, belittling and mocking. I think I was the victim, but now I learned not to be one.

                          .
                          remember you said in a previous post he would yell at you and you would yell back. Try not to minimize your participation in the whole thing. Doesn't that make him a victim also then?

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by divorcing mama View Post
                            - hospital. I was in the hospital for almost a week. Over exhausted. He didn't stay one night with us. I asked him, he refused. He has no job, so work is not an excuse. He did come and visit, but helped with nothing. My most difficult time was at night when nurses didn't come by often. I almost dropped the baby due to my post partum situation( legs frozen from epi). It was very unsafe for the baby. Eventually I overexhausted myself and the nurse had take the baby away, next day the baby's weight lost exceeded 10% also dehydrated ( my milk was not enough). Also started some treatment- my ex still wouldn't stay with us because he had planned night life that day.
                            Not wanting to stay at the hospital overnight is abandonment....lol.. I guess both my brother-in-laws, myself, my dad, most my friends etc. all abandoned their partner then.

                            Comment


                            • My ex-wife said i was cruel because i only went to california and disneyland with the kids after we seperated.... she said it IN COURT.... it was a little crazy. She hates disneyland and never wanted to stay with my family in California.... go figure.

                              Comment


                              • It funny... we have had 4 babies born into our family in the past year. not one of the father's stayed overnight at the hospital with them. First there wasn't a lot of room and some hospitals don't allow it. It is hardly abandonment. Stretching a little to find something!?

                                Comment

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