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  • #16
    Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
    or maybed he gained a lot weight, wanted sex when the kids were still up and playing, let his personal hygiene go or something like that. It could also be something to do with him that she no longer was attracted to him sexually.
    ... I'll meet your bad personal hygiene and raise you one obnoxious violent temper!

    Point is there are any number of reasons that would cause the loss of intimacy between couples. I disagree with Links, this is not a control issue, though it could be one of the 'many' causes.

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    • #17
      -The withholding Sex is a control mechanism.
      Clueless misogyny in its very essence.

      Most women that tell their husband they don't want sex, tell them that because THEY DON'T WANT SEX. What real men do is attempt to figure out why that might be by talking to their spouse...i.e. a physical, emotional, mental or a relationship problem. What dbag men do is assume that they can simply bug the hell of out their spouse for it and when that doesn't work, they try to manipulate into doing it...i.e. by doing something that seems thoughtful. Over time, the dbag husband's wife often finds herself wishing she wasn't in the marriage.

      Forgive the gender specific post. I'm sure there's other varieties of this that go the other way.

      Has it ocurred to you that she (referencing any woman in general) is neither interested nor OBLIGATED? Why should anyone, man or woman, be guilted into having sex with another person - spouse or not?
      Mhmm...and why would any real man want to pressure and obligate a woman into sex when they're clearly not feeling any attraction or intimacy for them at that time? Pretty pathetic.


      You are....something else.
      Typical of this poster.

      Comment


      • #18
        Types of Violence and Abuse | Violence Prevention Initiative

        Under Sexual Violence:
        -withholding sexual affection;

        It exists, it happens - maybe not here - maybe not all the time but it happens.

        ___________

        Most women that tell their husband they don't want sex, tell them that because THEY DON'T WANT SEX. What real men do is attempt to figure out why that might be by talking to their spouse...i.e. a physical, emotional, mental or a relationship problem. What dbag men do is assume that they can simply bug the hell of out their spouse for it and when that doesn't work, they try to manipulate into doing it...i.e. by doing something that seems thoughtful. Over time, the dbag husband's wife often finds herself wishing she wasn't in the marriage.
        Most? Where are the stats? I agree with your theory on what Real Men do vs D.Bag Men do however some women refused to be "satisfied" so they can control you because if she is happy then the man has to stop being under the whip. Anyways, its very relationship specific and I wasn't talking about you. There could be emotional reasons, hormonal reasons, abuse reasons etc.... I'm just saying people need to open their eyes and consider the possibilities.


        ____________________
        Has it ocurred to you that she (referencing any woman in general) is neither interested nor OBLIGATED? Why should anyone, man or woman, be guilted into having sex with another person - spouse or not?
        There is a GENERAL obligation to have sex in a marriage - If you don't want to have sex you either have to fix it or get divorced. You can't be "forced" to have sex but if somebody said they wanted a divorce for lack of sex wouldn't that be acceptable?


        And someone wanting a divorce does not inicate they are cheating or having an emotional affair. Most of the time, people who want a divorce, want it for non-sexual reasons.
        I said CONSIDER.... most men are so clueless that they think their wife is an angel and doesn't realize she is banging people on the side. If you check out that forum you'll see what I mean.
        Last edited by Links17; 09-30-2013, 10:55 AM.

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        • #19
          Also, go read on the other forum I referenced - women disconnects are often the result of emotional affairs/cheating.

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          • #20
            It's often the result of MANY things. Like simply having accepted the fact that the marriage isn't working.

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            • #21
              Let me correct myself

              "Also, go read on the other forum I referenced - women disconnects CAN be the result of emotional affairs/cheating."

              I don't have the stats to say "often"

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              • #22
                Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                Let me correct myself

                "Also, go read on the other forum I referenced - women disconnects CAN be the result of emotional affairs/cheating."

                I don't have the stats to say "often"
                I would also suggest that we all try and make it too simple.

                Its rarely one specific factor, it is often a number of factors. Cheating can be the result of a breakdown in other areas, which may speed up the demise of a marriage, but not necessarily cause it. Sometimes the marriage is doomed before cheating happens. This would explain why some people don't "hide" their cheating well.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by oink View Post
                  True story...guy at work was asking us separated / divorced dads for advice a couple of weeks ago.

                  Situation: His wife (they have kids) mistakenly sent a text meant for "her bit on the side" from work, to him by mistake. It read: am at the bar waiting for you (name of the guy), and can't wait f*** your brains out later

                  When she got called out on it, she admitted she has been banging the guy for a while...and then decided to go to counseling. She even started bringing him coffee at work now
                  You might want to tell the guy
                  1. Trust but Verify

                  2. Assume she is "Trickle-Truthing" which means she is just admitting what she HAS to admit in order to keep things going. She was prob banging more than one guy AND it was for longer than he thinks.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                    You might want to tell the guy
                    1. Trust but Verify

                    2. Assume she is "Trickle-Truthing" which means she is just admitting what she HAS to admit in order to keep things going. She was prob banging more than one guy AND it was for longer than he thinks.
                    I found out about all of the stuff my ex did in about 30 layers.

                    Once busted she would provide some detail but only enough to be so small that it was inconsequential. I was also an idiot and my friends were telling me so, but I was ignoring it.

                    Each time she would lie another layer would come off. Eventually I got enough and eventually realized it wasn't going to change and I left. I'm sure I only knew about half of what happened.

                    Eventually her lies painted herself so deep in a corner that nothing was the truth anymore and was very easy to see through.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by FB_ View Post
                      I found out about all of the stuff my ex did in about 30 layers.

                      Once busted she would provide some detail but only enough to be so small that it was inconsequential. I was also an idiot and my friends were telling me so, but I was ignoring it.

                      Each time she would lie another layer would come off. Eventually I got enough and eventually realized it wasn't going to change and I left. I'm sure I only knew about half of what happened.

                      Eventually her lies painted herself so deep in a corner that nothing was the truth anymore and was very easy to see through.
                      I used to wince about visiting my ex's church because it was clear she told many lies and I'd get asked about something and stand there with a strange look on my face.

                      My relatives also had her figured out, but were too polite to say anything.

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                      • #26
                        Just to comment on Oink's work friend's situation....

                        An initial reaction would be that assuming he felt she genuinely felt bad about it would be to try and forgive her and work things out - we can all make mistakes.

                        HOWEVER, from a Family Law perspective.....

                        As we know, the longer the relationship the harsher the higher earning (usually male) spouse will be treated (ie. LONGER spousal and often MORE spousal support). You alluded he was young so perhaps its a young marriage with no kids. IF that's the case, I would recommend he DUMP her immediately - that way he can minimize or perhaps he even avoid spousal support and if there are no kids yet, then he's also very lucky. As well, as time goes on and they accumulate more wealth, again she'll get more money.

                        The bottom line is that strictly from a Family Law perspective, in my opinion, and from a financial view (which can influence your entire life), its best to dump a person sooner rather than dragging it out and then being hit harder financially years later when it finally falls apart.

                        Again, I suspect most guys who have a good income regret ever getting married at ALL now that they know how family law works....

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                        • #27
                          This has been a very interesting digression, but Id like to jump back in and address the original question how to get over the anger.

                          Time.

                          Its hard to accept that your marriage is over; you look at your wife and its like there are two of her, the person you chose to marry, and this evil twin who has abandoned you. Sadly, she may still look like your wife, but she isnt anymore. By wearing your wifes body, this woman, who checked out of the marriage a long time ago and didnt do you the courtesy of letting you know, will use you to get what she wants if you dont snap out of it.

                          It doesnt matter how wonderful the marriage was at the start, that you have children, if there was cheating or not, etc. The marriage is over because she doesnt want to work on it anymore. You can work as hard as you like on it, change as much as you can to please her, send as many flowery emails as possible, make the bathroom spotless every time you are in there, etc, but it wont work because she is not receptive. You may see the marriage as savable with hard work, patience and effort, but she doesnt and it cant be one-sided.

                          Once you accept that, the anger will start to subside.

                          I suspect you are angry because your future is all messed up compared to what you thought it would be, and the person who was supposed to have your back throughout life is the one responsible. You feel hurt, betrayed, confused, and likely took a huge blow to the self-esteem. You may feel like you are the type of person people break up with, someone who isnt worth the effort to stay with, etc. Truthfully though, SHE is the type of person who breaks up with people, SHE is the type who wont put in the effort.

                          There are certainly factors in the death of the marriage that you contributed to with or without realizing it, and counselling is the place to explore that because understanding them may help with your acceptance and in future relationships, but thats long term. The fact that you are willing to do it now with this woman is irrelevant because she isnt on board.

                          Your anger doesnt help you. Let it go. Learn some anger management techniques. Teach yourself alternatives to reacting with anger. Learn to recognize your physiological symptoms early and head things off at the pass. When something triggers it, stop a moment, take a few breaths, step back from the situation and do some thinking. Dont be angry, be passionate. Be creative. Brainstorm a bunch of solutions and pick the one that is the most helpful in the long term.

                          And avoid the cause of your anger. Dont engage your ex in conversation any more than you have to. Bring all communication to email, and only necessary ones. If an email makes you angry, dont answer it right away. Set it aside for later.

                          You cant make yourself stop loving her. But you can realize that the woman you loved is gone, and this woman happens to look like her, thats all. You are now a widower, only its your marriage that died, not your wife.

                          Focus on yourself and your son. Use all your time with him to help him through the stressful transition. He may cry for her, but you are the parent that is there. If all had been well in the marriage but she had died, what would you have done to help him when you couldnt call her? Do that. Take care of yourself; get reasonable exercise and eat healthy. Your body is under a lot of stress so look after it.

                          Ultimately, you did all you could to save the marriage, to the best of your ability. She did not. Thats all there is to it. Divorce is coming.

                          Concentrate on your son, be a good dad, and get a fair separation agreement.

                          50-50 custody
                          Offset CS
                          Fair equalization
                          SS from her to compensate you on everything you sacrificed for her education

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                          • #28
                            What has worked best for me is to just let it go.

                            I know it hard, but the marriage is over. Who cares what she does, who cares what she says, who cares, who cares, who cares.

                            It's funny my mom was cheated on about 8 years ago. My dad is still with the women and my mom has never gotten over it. My ex had an affair and that sent my mom wild. She has no idea why I can't be mad or angry or hateful towards her. I simply tell my mom to let it go, that it's not worth my energy.

                            Even though the guy she is with now was not "the one" my mom calls him names like trailer trash etc. I know one day she will slip and say it in front of the kids and that might upset them. I've asked her to stop but it seems to be her way of dealing with her anger. She does the same with my dad's gf.

                            Some people have a very hard time letting go. But if you really want to be happy in life you have to just forgive and forget, it's not worth your time.

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                            • #29
                              Living With Resentment Is Like Taking Poison and Hoping the Other Guy Will Get Sick

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                              • #30
                                It's funny my mom was cheated on about 8 years ago. My dad is still with the women and my mom has never gotten over it. My ex had an affair and that sent my mom wild.
                                My mom went through something similar and her reaction was the same with my step-father. Although she was not usually not the angry type at all..quite the opposite. She talked about the details of her divorce for years and years...used to drive me nuts.

                                I didn't have that experience. My ex didn't cheat on me that I know of but I wouldn't have cared if he had. In fact, it was something I'd offer up to him to get him to stop bugging me for sex. Today, I don't know anything about my ex's personal life and have zero curiosity. In fact, the last thing I want to think about is whatever romantic life he has...kind of grosses me out.

                                The only thing that I've struggled with a bit is the few times things have happened during his parenting time that I consider dangerous or detrimental to my kid. (ie, getting into a car accident where my kid smashed the passenger window out with her head and he doesn't think its necessary to take her to the ER to have the lump checked out...or his screaming at her constantly...or his leaving her alone for entire days).

                                I know one day she will slip and say it in front of the kids and that might upset them. I've asked her to stop but it seems to be her way of dealing with her anger. She does the same with my dad's gf.
                                I found that I had to stop telling my family anything to do with my divorce. I found out that when I wasn't around, they'd discuss it amongst themselves and I wasn't ok with that. I quickly came to the place where I'd only confide things to my bf...he keeps it to himself and offers me excellent advice where I need it and I don't have to worry about it getting back to the kids. If your mom can't disengage, you might have to get a little more forceful...you're right that its bad for the kids when your family is negatively emotionally invested in your divorce. Its surprising how intuitive they are and what they pick up on...even when they're young.

                                Some people have a very hard time letting go.
                                I haven't had any issues letting go but its because I was divorced emotionally a long time before I finally got the courage to start the legal process. I spent 8-10 years fantasizing about being on my own. I've heard of other people in the same circumstance not having trouble with the emotional part of divorce..just the legal part.

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