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  • #46
    Originally posted by rockscan View Post
    I was thinking about this last night while frustrated over a convo my partner had with one of his kids. He's going through some serious difficulties (has for a year or so now) over his ex not getting over it. Its very hard to be the parent who is trying to reestablish a relationship and nurture it when theres a voice in their other ear making statements about how could he be this person now when he was such a monster before. Or "reminding" them how he ruined their lives. Or telling them hes moved on and doesnt love them anymore because he has me in his life.

    This is the problem I have with my partner. Watching him continue to be abused by someone who felt it was ok to treat him worse than the family dog throughout the marriage. Someone who now gets her kicks in by letting the kids treat him the same way. So while your partner respects the situation, it doesnt make it any less hard for her to watch you being treated badly.
    All of that is true, but... my entire point is that I can't control how my ex behaves, but I can certainly control how I respond. In turn, it has the potential to gradually move things toward a better place. That doesn't work for every one, but I can say with absolute certainty that my own situation would have degraded a lot if I hadn't moved on focused on making her 'pay' for her mistakes. (I'm referring to the infidelity in this case)

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    • #47
      Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
      All of that is true, but... my entire point is that I can't control how my ex behaves, but I can certainly control how I respond. In turn, it has the potential to gradually move things toward a better place. That doesn't work for every one, but I can say with absolute certainty that my own situation would have degraded a lot if I hadn't moved on focused on making her 'pay' for her mistakes. (I'm referring to the infidelity in this case)
      ^^^ Very wise words. Nothing will ever make up for some of the injuries inflicted in the course of a bad marriage, and I think the road to inner peace starts when we give up hoping that somehow the ex will "pay" for what s/he has done.

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      • #48
        I dont want his ex to pay for what happened. He has moved past his desire to make her pay. They both are suffering the consequences of their decisions. I just wish she would keep her feelings to herself and let his kids make their own decisions about things. It would be helpful if she encouraged and supported the relationship but we both know that will never happen. The interference is my issue. He's never going to have a healthy relationship with them as long as she continues that. He controls how he responds to them in the instance its happening. For the several hours, days, weeks, months etc after is a different story. Watching him beat himself up over a situation the ex created is whats painful for me. It doesnt have to be this way but it is. Learning to accept and ignore it is my challenge.

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        • #49
          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
          I dont want his ex to pay for what happened. He has moved past his desire to make her pay. They both are suffering the consequences of their decisions. I just wish she would keep her feelings to herself and let his kids make their own decisions about things. It would be helpful if she encouraged and supported the relationship but we both know that will never happen. The interference is my issue. He's never going to have a healthy relationship with them as long as she continues that. He controls how he responds to them in the instance its happening. For the several hours, days, weeks, months etc after is a different story. Watching him beat himself up over a situation the ex created is whats painful for me. It doesnt have to be this way but it is. Learning to accept and ignore it is my challenge.
          It's a huge challenge for sure. My current partner has heard what happened to me, and was angry on my behalf. My mother carries a terrible grudge, and practically chews off her tongue when the subject of my ex comes up in front of the kids. To both of their credit, they have never said anything negative about my ex around my kids, and that is partly due to me being pretty militant about keeping it positive. (fake it till you make it, right?)

          I didn't quite get why people like my partner and my mother were so quick to harbour such anger toward my ex, since, after all, it was ME who had to feel the pain of it all, not them. I at first was irritated about how they seemed to co-opt my trauma as their own, and then I realized how difficult it was for my mother to see me go through the trauma of the affair and separation. I took a step back and see my girlfriend watching me struggle to keep my cool and stay positive about my ex in front of the kids. (her affair split our marriage when I was working in one city and the kids were living in another, so the physical and mental toll that situation took on me was sizeable, so it was tough for my partner to watch the fallout unfold for years after)

          It's okay to feel anger and pain on his behalf. I totally think you have the right idea of trying to ignore it, because you're right, it isn't your thing to fix. But giving him an extra hug at the end of a tough day and telling him that you're proud of him for how he is managing it... you can do that, and I'm sure you do.

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          • #50
            Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
            It's okay to feel anger and pain on his behalf. I totally think you have the right idea of trying to ignore it, because you're right, it isn't your thing to fix. But giving him an extra hug at the end of a tough day and telling him that you're proud of him for how he is managing it... you can do that, and I'm sure you do.

            A friend of mine is a counselor and she gave me some really good advice and insight this morning. That I need to realize how difficult it is for my partner to put on a brave face and "pretend" during these conversations. That we need to table discussing anything in the conversations until hes had time to process his feelings. And that I need to respect that he will take a certain level of BS because of the relationship. Its when our relationship gets questioned or comments are made about me that I have serious issues. Which is pretty much what 80% of my rage was about. The other 20% was more the eyeroll over not getting over it and dragging the kids into the pity party.

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            • #51
              Originally posted by Janibel View Post
              There should be serious sanctions given to uncooperative ex's who drag the process out for no good reason other than vengeance. (i.e. LF32's ex)
              Can I get a Hallelujah!!

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              • #52
                Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                Can I get a Hallelujah!!
                https://youtu.be/YYiMJ2bC65A


                Enjoy

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                • #53
                  LF32: Hallelujah!

                  Wow! I was blown away yet again while listening to kd lang's version of Hallelujah. I'm playing it for the fourth time and hearing the lyrics like never before. It's such an emotionally charged song that lends itself to this thread.

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                  • #54
                    The last verse is especially meaningful to all of us who have been going through the perils of divorce.

                    LEONARD COHEN LYRICS



                    "Hallelujah"
                    ("Various Positions" Version)

                    Now I've heard there was a secret chord
                    That David played, and it pleased the Lord
                    But you don't really care for music, do you?
                    It goes like this
                    The fourth, the fifth
                    The minor fall, the major lift
                    The baffled king composing Hallelujah

                    Hallelujah
                    Hallelujah
                    Hallelujah
                    Hallelujah

                    Your faith was strong but you needed proof
                    You saw her bathing on the roof
                    Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
                    She tied you to a kitchen chair
                    She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
                    And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

                    Hallelujah, Hallelujah
                    Hallelujah, Hallelujah
                    You say I took the name in vain
                    I don't even know the name
                    But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
                    There's a blaze of light
                    In every word
                    It doesn't matter which you heard
                    The holy or the broken Hallelujah

                    Hallelujah, Hallelujah
                    Hallelujah, Hallelujah

                    I did my best, it wasn't much
                    I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
                    I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
                    And even though it all went wrong
                    I'll stand before the Lord of Song
                    With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah


                    Hallelujah, Hallelujah

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                    • #55
                      Wasn't Leonard that ran off with a younger woman towards the end of last year, or was it Gordon Lightfoot?

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by serendipitous View Post
                        Wasn't Leonard that ran off with a younger woman towards the end of last year, or was it Gordon Lightfoot?
                        Excuse Me For Not Dying: Leonard Cohen at 80 - The Daily Beast

                        LMAO, at his age I doubt that he is able to RUN in any situation ... and even if he did what does this have to do with his writing skills?

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                        • #57
                          There are many old people that don't let their age (just a number) inhibit what they can do / achieve. I know which camp I'll rather be in

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