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  • #31
    Strait, are cohabitation agreements legit though? We're talking about one in the event we have to move and buy a house together. We agreed we would split whatever the cost was 50/50 and then split the valuation increase if we split in the future. Im not a person who would go after whatever I *think* is owed to me and he is still smarting from the ugly battle he went through. We still want it in writing though but worry those agreements dont hold up in court.

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    • #32
      I'm going to be asking a lawyer if mine will hold up, and suggest you do the same.

      Perversely, I suspect that your situation is more of a slam dunk than mine.

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      • #33
        From what I've seen, cohabitation agreements are practically worthless. There's quite a bit of case law that proves this point. The ex spouse (bio parent) will always have the ability to cancel out any arrangements the two of you could come up with if these issues affect 'their' children.

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        • #34
          Im not really worried about my partner. He was willing to go back to his ex after everything that happened between them that triggered the divorce. Hes one of those long term happily ever after kind of guys. Considering how painful it was packing quickly and moving out of family locations, Im ready to just ignore a situation than have to pack and move again let alone figure out who owes what and who bought what etc.

          Im more worried about what happens to what we built together if something happens to him and his ex comes calling.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by rockscan View Post
            Im not really worried about my partner. He was willing to go back to his ex after everything that happened between them that triggered the divorce. Hes one of those long term happily ever after kind of guys. Considering how painful it was packing quickly and moving out of family locations, Im ready to just ignore a situation than have to pack and move again let alone figure out who owes what and who bought what etc.

            That would be a "red flag" to me, although it's to his credit to be so loyal and all, it's more insecurity for you - there's always the risk that his Ex would manage to break you guys up in the future.

            Im more worried about what happens to what we built together if something happens to him and his ex comes calling.
            As you should be, who wants to invest time, money and energy and have practically zero protection when/if things go wrong? That, in a nutshell is why I'd rather not date a divorced man with children ...

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            • #36
              Telling him this jump started his "update the will" move. Both our careers are in a bit of limbo which may require a move. Should that happen, I want my "investments" protected. His kids can have whatever he wants them to of his belongings/money but what we do together and what is mine is off limits.

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              • #37
                Rockscan, your partner's kids are older (late teens/university age), right? So they won't be "children of the marriage" for much longer, and won't have any claim on their father's assets, including assets he built with you. Some kind of cohabitation agreement is still a good idea, but the risk is lower than it would be with younger kids from a first marriage.

                And yes, "update the will" is a good idea. I've been telling my partner for ages that as things stand, if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow his ex gets a windfall because she is specifically named in the will. I don't think I should be named as a beneficiary because I'm self-sufficient, but I do think he needs to rewrite it to set up some sort of trust with his brother or another trusted person in charge, to be sure that his estate is used to benefit his teenage kids, rather than pay off his ex's new husband's gambling debts.

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                • #38
                  Yep theyre older but I anticipate they will want everything they can get their hands on. Egged on by their mother. Hold your tomatoes please, my feelings are based on info Im not sharing right now.

                  As for the will, Im more worried about the medical decisions if something happened to him. His ex failed to show at the hospital after a horrific car accident and then dumped him in a shelter when he didnt heal fast enough. That was during the marriage. I dont want her showing up and being legally able to pull the plug so to speak. I told him he can make his BFF or his brother the decider if he doesnt want me but I want to make damn sure its someone who will think twice about such a serious decision. Plus the whole "hire a truck and movers in the middle of the night to get MY stuff out of the house" terrifies me if Im grieving someone I love.

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                    Hold your tomatoes please, my feelings are based on info Im not sharing right now.
                    BAHAHAHA - love it

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                    • #40
                      To which you are entitled, and I don't blame you one bit. Works the same for me (even if some of us have a kid(s)). There are men with no kids who have other issues...gambling, mommy issues, alcohol, drugs, not active, or a decent job.

                      Personally, if I am to get involved with a woman with a kid, they will have to be older i.e. not young / toddlers, and I won't go for anyone with more than 1 kid (shared custody, and not sole)...cos I have only 1 with shared custody.

                      Additionally, she will have to have a job, earn close to or more than I do, not crazy, loving caring and not dependent on me. The shared custody will mean there is time for us to bond and do stuff when the kids aren't around.

                      Finally, even if a woman is single with no kids, and doesn't have a career, is crazy, drinks, swears like a sailor, dependent....she is no good to me, and it will be self inflected pain.

                      Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                      As you should be, who wants to invest time, money and energy and have practically zero protection when/if things go wrong? That, in a nutshell is why I'd rather not date a divorced man with children ...

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                      • #41
                        These two will bother me immensely if I had to deal with someone that can't comprehend these....especially the compromise bit. Just think if things should go south and you are trying to be reasonable.

                        As for the prenup mention...it's only good if at the end there aren't any critical changes to both your situations e.g. nobody has serious health issues impacting them from working. Courts can be a right @$$ when it comes to dealing with such matters.

                        Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                        Well, we're setting up a cohabitation agreement whereby neither of us owe the other for either child support or spousal in the even of a breakup. (similar to prenup)

                        Also, the difference isn't in parenting style, rather, she just isn't used to having to deal with the other parent, so negotiations, concessions, compromise, etc. are all things she isn't used to.

                        For example, if my partner wants to put her son in hockey, she puts him in hockey. She has no one to answer to but herself. If I want to put my son in hockey, I have to get my ex to agree on the program, schedule, and costs in advance so that I know she will actually take him on the weeks that she has him.

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by serendipitous View Post
                          These two will bother me immensely if I had to deal with someone that can't comprehend these....especially the compromise bit. Just think if things should go south and you are trying to be reasonable.

                          As for the prenup mention...it's only good if at the end there aren't any critical changes to both your situations e.g. nobody has serious health issues impacting them from working. Courts can be a right @$$ when it comes to dealing with such matters.
                          Well, thankfully for you, you're not with her.



                          It doesn't bother me immensely because it's not a lack of comprehension, it's a lack of familiarity. She doesn't have to like it or agree with it, she just has to respect it, which she does. She knows that my ex did some pretty terrible things and broke my heart, and doesn't like that my ex seems to 'get off easy' by still getting to deal with a cooperative ex (me).

                          To steer this back to the original point of the thread, it's tough for people to move on quietly and get over themselves, and get over the hurt that they feel. When they do, they can finally start getting along with my ex. I technically could hold a grudge against her and be difficult to deal with on coparenting, but that punishes me as well.

                          Things get better when you take the high road.

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                            Well, thankfully for you, you're not with her.



                            It doesn't bother me immensely because it's not a lack of comprehension, it's a lack of familiarity. She doesn't have to like it or agree with it, she just has to respect it, which she does. She knows that my ex did some pretty terrible things and broke my heart, and doesn't like that my ex seems to 'get off easy' by still getting to deal with a cooperative ex (me).

                            To steer this back to the original point of the thread, it's tough for people to move on quietly and get over themselves, and get over the hurt that they feel. When they do, they can finally start getting along with my ex. I technically could hold a grudge against her and be difficult to deal with on coparenting, but that punishes me as well.

                            Things get better when you take the high road.
                            There should be serious sanctions given to uncooperative ex's who drag the process out for no good reason other than vengeance. (i.e. LF32's ex) Yes, they do get of easy IMO. Same thing with contempt of court orders - one strike and you should be out, otherwise what's the point in negotiating agreements that are unenforceable?

                            Moving on as quickly and painlessly as possible should be the goal, especially when children are involved. This would be achieved in most cases if the law was 50/50 as the standard for co-parenting.

                            So much court time is being wasted on people who would be better served in a therapist's office ... things get better when people are saner/healthier.

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                            • #44
                              I think most rational parents will agree with this, but you and I know that in most cases, as we see even on here, people try to make up all sort of stories as to why they think they deserve to have the kids.

                              Usually out of spitefulness, anger that they got dumped / cheated on, as well as "just because" due to the "mom knows best" delusional mantra.

                              Courts should make a scapegoat of people that blatantly lie or make up false accusations. The moment you are found out to have lied, the case should be declared a victory to the other party.

                              Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                              There should be serious sanctions given to uncooperative ex's who drag the process out for no good reason other than vengeance. (i.e. LF32's ex) Yes, they do get of easy IMO. Same thing with contempt of court orders - one strike and you should be out, otherwise what's the point in negotiating agreements that are unenforceable?

                              Moving on as quickly and painlessly as possible should be the goal, especially when children are involved. This would be achieved in most cases if the law was 50/50 as the standard for co-parenting.

                              So much court time is being wasted on people who would be better served in a therapist's office ... things get better when people are saner/healthier.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                                Well, thankfully for you, you're not with her.







                                It doesn't bother me immensely because it's not a lack of comprehension, it's a lack of familiarity. She doesn't have to like it or agree with it, she just has to respect it, which she does. She knows that my ex did some pretty terrible things and broke my heart, and doesn't like that my ex seems to 'get off easy' by still getting to deal with a cooperative ex (me).



                                To steer this back to the original point of the thread, it's tough for people to move on quietly and get over themselves, and get over the hurt that they feel. When they do, they can finally start getting along with my ex. I technically could hold a grudge against her and be difficult to deal with on coparenting, but that punishes me as well.



                                Things get better when you take the high road.

                                I was thinking about this last night while frustrated over a convo my partner had with one of his kids. He's going through some serious difficulties (has for a year or so now) over his ex not getting over it. Its very hard to be the parent who is trying to reestablish a relationship and nurture it when theres a voice in their other ear making statements about how could he be this person now when he was such a monster before. Or "reminding" them how he ruined their lives. Or telling them hes moved on and doesnt love them anymore because he has me in his life.

                                This is the problem I have with my partner. Watching him continue to be abused by someone who felt it was ok to treat him worse than the family dog throughout the marriage. Someone who now gets her kicks in by letting the kids treat him the same way. So while your partner respects the situation, it doesnt make it any less hard for her to watch you being treated badly.

                                Comment

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