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  • #31
    This thread has raised my curiosity about access.

    Is it common to have access schedules for children where the children are not at parent's place at the same time? I don't think I've ever seen anything about that on here before.

    Are there different rules for vacations or is this something that is negotiated at time of determining custody/access?

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
      Back off? Or...what, pray tell?

      It's a public forum, you don't get to dictate who posts in what threads or dictate others' opinions. If that bothers you, perhaps public forums are not the right place for you.

      That being said, please familiarize yourself with the forum rules, pinned at the top of each page.
      Like you said it's a public forum. Don't be a hypocrite now. I express myself how I express myself. You and others express yourselves how you express yourselves. Do either of us have to agree with the other? I don't think so. Telling people to back the f off is one way I express myself. What rule am I breaking?

      Comment


      • #33
        You're supposedly an adult, a big boy can figure out how to communicate and express himself in an appropriate manner. Resorting to telling people off simply because they don't agree with you is hardly appropriate, and certainly doesn't lend an air of maturity to your posts.

        You have decided that others are 'against' you due to your username simply because they disagree with you or even offer an alternate opinion than yours, despite not having mentioned your username at all - in case you've forgotten: YOU brought it up.

        No, you most certainly don't have to agree with them, but attacking them and posting disparaging remarks simply because they don't agree 100% with you isn't appropriate.

        You frequently accuse others of being trolls for not agreeing with you, or asking thought provoking questions that you can't answer in a mature fashion, when it appears you are posting for the sole purpose of inciting a debate on a volatile topic and lashing out at those who disagree.

        Again, if you find yourself unhappy with public posts in a public forum, because you cannot control who posts what opinions in response, then perhaps it isn't the place for you. Posts containing personal attacks and threatening-like language will be removed.

        Comment


        • #34
          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
          Posts containing personal attacks and threatening-like language will be removed.
          Find one.

          Problem with you and other posters is your comments are not applicable, aka useless to my situation. Should I just ignore them? Or reply with why you're wrong?

          FYI, I'm not interested in seeing things from the BioDad's perspective. I'm interested in BioDad seeing things from OUR perspective. And if he never does, too bad for him and his kids. I certainly don't expect him to come around in a rational mature manner. He's walked this earth for half a century and knows right from wrong. He was wrong, is wrong, probably will forever be wrong.

          Please take the above into consideration next time you offer your perspective.

          Comment


          • #35
            [QUOTE=DeadBeatDouchebagDad;164421]My partner has agreed to let Biodad take the older child (8) on vacation without the younger autistic sibling (7). Biodad is taking older child to paradise island for 2 weeks in Spring. This is the first time my partner has allowed biodad to take one child overseas without the other.

            In the past, we've called out biodad for favoring the older child. For example, has a history of dropping off the younger child a day earlier on his weekends so he can spend more time with the older child. But never the other way around. We've asked him to take the younger child on alone time with him, his response is to promise to take the younger child next time. Next time never comes.

            He has no interest in the younger child. Case in point, even after all the above gets presented to him, he recently just requested to go on another long trip in the summer with (8) only.

            He just doesn't get it. Poor little (7). If only you had been born 'normal' in your biodad's eyes, maybe he would want to spend more time with you.[/QUOTE

            YOUR PARTNER AGREED THEREFORE IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
            WHY DO NEW PARTNERS HAVE TO BUTT THEIR NOSES IN AND HAVE OPINIONS WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
            IF THE BIODAD MAKES A DECISION FOR WHATEVER REASON AND HIS X AGREES THEN IT IS A DONE DEAL.
            AND JUST AN ADDED NOTE MR OP. IF YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY CARING, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS CHILD ON A VACATION?
            I WAS MY BROTHER'S CAREGIVER WHEN MY MOTHER DIED AND UNTIL YOU WALK IN THOSE SHOES DON'T BE POINTING FINGERS.

            Comment


            • #36
              1 - You're not obligated to respond to posts you feel are not applicable to your partner's situation. You can choose to skip them or politely respond that it is not applicable, but for some reason you are only capable of ignorantly telling off people who took the time to respond to your post.

              2 - You assume that the only other perspective is Dad's. Shame, there are so many others.

              3 - You appear to fail to realize that you cannot control everyone and everything, nor can you force everyone to bend to your will. Your insistence that yours is THE only perspective that matters is highly self-centred and controlling.

              What I take into consideration when offering my perspective, opinions and advice is an outsider's unbiased view on the entire situation, with the limited one sided information provided, not simply one person's insistance that they are right and everyone else is wrong therefore we all must agree. Please take that into consideration next time you offer your perspective on my perspective.

              Comment


              • #37
                Originally posted by momforever1956 View Post
                YOUR PARTNER AGREED THEREFORE IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
                WHY DO NEW PARTNERS HAVE TO BUTT THEIR NOSES IN AND HAVE OPINIONS WHEN IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
                IF THE BIODAD MAKES A DECISION FOR WHATEVER REASON AND HIS X AGREES THEN IT IS A DONE DEAL.
                AND JUST AN ADDED NOTE MR OP. IF YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY CARING, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS CHILD ON A VACATION?
                I WAS MY BROTHER'S CAREGIVER WHEN MY MOTHER DIED AND UNTIL YOU WALK IN THOSE SHOES DON'T BE POINTING FINGERS.
                ¸
                Thank you for your contribution to my thread momforever1956. I respectfully disagree.

                Am I doing this right blink?

                Comment


                • #38
                  Anyone want to answer my question about access and if it is common for people to alternate kid's access so that mom has child A on same week as dad has child B and so on?

                  If so does this extend to vacations?

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    It's been done, not at all common and typically not recommended or court ordered, rather an agreement between parents that co-parent effectively and communicate regularly.

                    I know of one parent on the forum here that has an arrangement like this. Not all time is separate with the kids, but each parent has both separate and shared days with the kids and they make it work wonderfully. The kids get both family time and one-on-one time with each parent, but it's a very flexible schedule as well.

                    As for dropping the kids off early, or just one off early, a very simple solution is simply to stop allowing it, stop being available for early drop offs or cancelled access otherwise it just sets a precedence that it's ok and will, of course, continue. When one stops enabling the situation, the situation has no choice but to change.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by arabian View Post
                      Anyone want to answer my question about access and if it is common for people to alternate kid's access so that mom has child A on same week as dad has child B and so on?

                      If so does this extend to vacations?
                      I don't think it's common, as I guess judges don't like to split children up. But two parents, even if they aren't together, could come to whatever arrangement they believe is good for the children.

                      An intact family does things separately all the time. One parent brings the kid to hockey while the other one goes to the grocery store with the other kid. One parent has an opportunity to travel, but the other parent can't come due to work obligations, so takes the oldest child instead. Grandma offers to have the older kid for a week while the new baby stays with the parents. Etc.

                      A friend of mine has a family tradition of the parents taking each child, solo, on the trip of a lifetime. The other children stayed with relatives. Each child had this opportunity in turn, at about the same age. Fairly done, and probably a very special time for each child, to be alone with their parents for a fabulous vacation.

                      That's one of the biggest disadvantages to being a single parent household that I've found after separation. Whenever one kid needs to go somewhere, the other kids have to be dragged along too. I think it is a good thing for children to get one-on-one time with each parent, however it has to be arranged fairly.

                      The poster's partner's ex isn't doing it fairly. Let's do some hypotheticals here. What if the first child was a boy and the second was a girl, and no special needs were involved? What if all the dad wanted to do was take the boy to sporting events and leave the girl with mom? Or reverse it. What if a mom loved having girl time with a daughter and left the son with the dad all the time instead of making time for him too? We'd cry out against the injustice.

                      But here, we excuse the man for treating his children unfairly, because, poor guy, he's not well-equipped (as I bet most of us are not) for dealing with an autistic child. He's probably annoyed that you can't return a defective child to the hospital the way you can take a bad toaster back to the store.

                      All that said, though, the poster does have an unfortunately name that probably does dispose some people to him negatively. Usually one chooses a handle that reflects themselves in some way. I get the feeling he really just wants to vent and receive sympathy for the child in question.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Interesting. I was just browsing on CanLII and I didn't see anything relating to this although I probably am not using correct search words.

                        I'm sure there are many disputes such as the one on this thread and it would be interesting to see how court rules. Problem as I see it is you cannot force someone to use their access time. Offering up a solution where each parent has separate and shared days might be the way to go.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          I agree with you Rioe. I have good friends (marriage intact!) who have 2 children and my friend has often said how she has to make sure that her husband spends equal one-on-one time with the daughter as the husband and son are sports crazy and the daughter isn't. I've witnessed many incidences where the kids are screaming "not fair, not fair" but then we know kids will usually be the first to point out something if they see an injustice.

                          I think it's got to be extremely tough for any single parent to have to watch their child be treated poorly by the child's other parent. I have to say that while everyone says that money and access are separate issues, my knee-jerk reaction (if I am to be totally honest here) would be to want to retaliate FINANCIALLY! Good thing I'm not raising a young child right now.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by arabian View Post
                            I think it's got to be extremely tough for any single parent to have to watch their child be treated poorly by the child's other parent. I have to say that while everyone says that money and access are separate issues, my knee-jerk reaction (if I am to be totally honest here) would be to want to retaliate FINANCIALLY! Good thing I'm not raising a young child right now.
                            But I think you offer a very valid point Arabian... however there isn't much more Mom can get from Dad...if this were a 50-50 situation and Dad decided to leave on child home, Mom could then say that they have 50-50 with one child but she has the majority of access with the other, thus CS would be calculated differently.

                            I think in order to stop this type of thing, Ontario need to adopt a different way of calculating CS. I believe it is Quebec who has CS depending on access, but it doesn't stop at the 40-60 split, or even 70-30... if one parent has 90% access they receive way more CS. Personally, that makes much more sense.

                            I don't agree with the OP stance on how he bad mouths Dad, because I don't believe he is able to keep this resentment from the children. However, the OP has also not mentioned anything about Dad being offered the same resources.

                            I have a cousin who has a very autistic child. She has at least one worker at her house, every day, some days two. Her and her husband are together and they have another child who has no disabilities. Even together they require the workers, when they leave the house, there are at least 3 adults (usually my Aunt or Uncle). The child is 5 years old and requires a lot of attention, cannot be left alone. It is not easy for people who do this full time, I cannot imagine someone having to deal with an autistic child when they do not have the resources to do so.

                            So OP...here are some simple questions...

                            1- What has Mom done to ensure Dad has the EXACT same resources she has?

                            2- Does Dad have access to ALL medical information regarding the child?

                            3- Seeing as Mom has majority of access and therefore works with the workers or caregivers frequently, has she ever invited Dad to spend a day with everyone to see how things go?\

                            4- Has Dad requested any help dealing with the child?

                            5- Has Dad expressed WHY he can't deal with the child?

                            6- Has the other child expressed interest in spending one on one time with Dad?

                            7- Has the autistic child shown or communicated any signs that he would like more one on one time with Dad?

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              That shows you how little I know - I assumed CS was based on access/custody and that is why there is such a big fuss about 40/60 or whatever.

                              I hear the word "access" and then I hear the word "custody." I obviously don't understand the difference as it relates to CS.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by arabian View Post
                                That shows you how little I know - I assumed CS was based on access/custody and that is why there is such a big fuss about 40/60 or whatever.

                                I hear the word "access" and then I hear the word "custody." I obviously don't understand the difference as it relates to CS.
                                The 40/60 split is where offset comes into play, however if on parent has 62% access, they receive the same CS as they would if they had 90% access. There is often a fuss over the 40/60 because of the offset vs. full CS amount.

                                Comment

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