Vacation Email - STBX

[FB_]

I have responded to the email above as follows

I agree that those are all issues that need to be resolved.

How do you propose we resolve the issues you have outlined?

We have already agreed on our access schedule for Easter weekend and I expect that to go ahead as planned.

I know I'm being kind a dick here but I have no idea what she is expecting.

it's funny she always claims I do things the way I want but she never suggests anything. Then she claims I am a "dictator"

Oh well.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I don't agree that those are issues that need resolution.

I went through more than one xmas with my ex at the marital home during separation. I emailed him a schedule then he bought his gifts and I bought mine.

Access is one thing...it should be defined and followed.

Gifts are another thing...you should be buying separate ones.

I'd again email her the agreed upon access schedule. Then tell her to handle her own gifts for the kids. You'll manage on your own.

Your co-mingling this stuff is completely nonsensical and is causing unnecessary drama.

Again, stop asking questions and start TELLING her what you're going to do.

When she denies you access, log it and the attached email.

Your messages back and forth are so unclear and confusing, you can't prove anything to a custody evaluator.

You need to keep your focus on what you're trying to accomplish here...engaging a crazy ex isn't your goal. Proving a history of behavior and logging non-compliance is...but it requires clarity on your part. And you guys are both confused and all over the place.

You clearly communicate something by email. When she goes off on a tangent, refer to the first email, tell her that you expect compliance, and record her non-compliance. You do NOT engage her stupidity at her level.

You're setting yourself up.

[Pursuinghappiness]

This is her standard operating procedure.

1. Ask a question
2. Get impatient
3. Make a threat
4. Claim to be the reasonable person
5. Make an accusation (aka You're being unreasonable)

Who cares? If you engage at her level then you're equally in the wrong.

She's actually managed to pull you into an argument over kid's chocolate and combining it with access and you fell for it.

[Rioe]

I'm guessing that your kids believe in the Easter Bunny, and she wants to dictate what the Bunny brings and just make you pay "half" or something?

Just say:

"As previously arranged, you have the kids Friday and Saturday, we are all together on Easter Sunday morning for the Easter Bunny, and then I have them the rest of Sunday and Monday. Then our normal schedule resumes.

As I previously mentioned, I will buy my own Easter gifts for them, and you may do the same. That should be plenty for the Bunny to deliver. I am confused what the remaining issue is about this."

That last text where she talks about denying access to the kids so they will know who their gifts are from?? Save that one for court!

[FB_]

I don't agree that those are issues that need resolution.

I went through more than one xmas with my ex at the marital home during separation. I emailed him a schedule then he bought his gifts and I bought mine.

Access is one thing...it should be defined and followed.

Gifts are another thing...you should be buying separate ones.

I'd again email her the agreed upon access schedule. Then tell her to handle her own gifts for the kids. You'll manage on your own.

Your co-mingling this stuff is completely nonsensical and is causing unnecessary drama.

Again, stop asking questions and start TELLING her what you're going to do.

When she denies you access, log it and the attached email.

Your messages back and forth are so unclear and confusing, you can't prove anything to a custody evaluator.

You need to keep your focus on what you're trying to accomplish here...engaging a crazy ex isn't your goal. Proving a history of behavior and logging non-compliance is...but it requires clarity on your part. And you guys are both confused and all over the place.

You clearly communicate something by email. When she goes off on a tangent, refer to the first email, tell her that you expect compliance, and record her non-compliance. You do NOT engage her stupidity at her level.

You're setting yourself up.

As always PH your comments are right on. I sent the email more in frustration as she never has any solutions just problems. I should have sent the original email I had typed up but never sent which said just that. I'll bring my stuff, you bring yours.

I got about 4 more texts last night and 3 phone calls. I ignored it all. Around 9:00 she sent me the following email. Which I guess was my goal.

Subject - Aug 16 - 18.

As the way the schedule goes this is actually your access weekend please confirm if u will have the children this weekend or not.

Now that she found something she wants, she would like to talk about the summer holiday schedule again.

Here is my proposed emailing adding in the Aug 15th-18th.

Thank you for responding to my previous email on March 19th.

As for you not having enough time to plan, I first addressed this issue in an email dated January 24th, 2013. I told you in that email the urgency of me booking my vacation. In response to that email you told me you wanted the first week of July since I had it last year. I have now given you the first week of July as per your request. In follow up you also sent me another email requesting I have the kids August 16th -18th. I have also incorporated that time into the summer schedule.

Since I no longer have time to wait I am booking the holidays as listed below now and you can work around my holidays since you don’t need to book any holidays as you are off all summer. As mentioned I have already given you the first week of July as per your request, and I have also now incorporated August 15th-18th as per your email sent March 19th. You can now tell your family and *boyfriend* what time you have available for vacation.

So the following will be our summer access schedule

Me
July 6th – 14th (9 days)
August 3rd – August 11th (9 days)
August 15th - August 18th (4 days)
August 23rd – September 2nd (11 days)
33 days

You
June 28th - July 5th (7 days)
July 15th - August 2nd (19 days)
August 12th - August 14th (3 days)
August 19th - August 22nd (4 days)
33 days.

Thanks

[FB_]

STBX came home at 2:20 to my surprise and came right downstairs (working from home)

I didn't get a chance to grab my recorder or lock the door.

An argument ensued. I am now having my lawyer deal with Easter, she now claims the kids will be spending that night at her boyfriends. I also asked him to deal with the Summer vacation at the same time.

Hopefully he can get the letter off later today. I'm still waiting to hear back.

[NBDad]

Don't argue....calmly reach for your recorder, turn it on, look her dead in the eye and say "Please send me an email outlining your position and the issues as you understand them."

Just keep saying that until she takes the hint and leaves.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Don't argue....calmly reach for your recorder, turn it on, look her dead in the eye and say "Please send me an email outlining your position and the issues as you understand them."

Just keep saying that until she takes the hint and leaves.

Extremely good advice. It ALWAYS takes two people to argue.

FB:

She clearly uses her boyfriend's name every 2 seconds to get a reaction out of you. Don't fall for it.

Again, outline the agreed upon access schedule (or now have your lawyer do it) and document non-compliance. That's really the only thing you can do at this point.

Remember that this whole entire exercise is about gathering evidence to document repeated denial of your access rights.

You have my sympathies...she really is a pain in the butt...she must have a long history of dramatic nonsense to drive you nuts. Its going to take time and a lot of patience and determination on your part to deal with her.

[Abeona]

My ex did the same thing. Even my lawyer ended up commenting "If he has this girlfriend he's so proud of, why is he constantly harassing you?"

FB, did you initiate the divorce? I was the one who left my ex and he is constantly trying to talk about minor issues like who's buying what for the kids. Every time I try to distance myself, he comes up with a new reason why we need to talk to each other and if I don't engage than I'm "refusing to co-parent". The whole thing is exhausting.

My lawyer said 9 times out of 10 it's the spouse who didn't initiate the divorce that carries on this way. Anything to stay in your business.

FB_

Some wicked advice from NBDad and pursuinghappiness there....

How come your recorder wasn't on your person when you needed it most? I can't help but giggle at the constant dropping of "my boyfriend" in her convos.....what is she, a teenager? I have a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend, nah nah nah

Makes you wonder how many people like her are out there with boyfriends/girlfriends of convenience, just to get what they think is a rise out of their stbx / ex

[Pursuinghappiness]

My lawyer said 9 times out of 10 it's the spouse who didn't initiate the divorce that carries on this way. Anything to stay in your business.

Abeona:

I've always thought that they should do a study on this. There's no doubt that with almost every divorce I've ever heard of (except the rare 2 that I know where both people wanted out) that the person who didn't want the divorce acts like a complete nutcase during and after the process.

They also have more issues in relationships after divorce. I read a recent study that the "leaver" in a divorce is about 75% more likely to end up in a stable marriage rather than the "levee" after divorce also.

The thing that continues to amuse me since making the decision to leave is that my ex told everyone that he was "blindsided" by my decision. Considering that we slept in separate bedrooms for 12 years, that I literally was never in his presence, and that I asked for a divorce for 3 years and told every relative we had that we were headed for divorce...I still find that interesting...so does everyone he says that to.

My bf..who was in a 30 year marriage...had the same experience. Despite years worth of failed counselling that she would walk out of and refuse to return to...despite the 2 times he moved out before....and despite the fact that she never changed her habits (10-13K VISA bills every month)...she still today claims that he never tried and "walked out" of their marriage.

Both of our exes engage in a lot of antics...stalking, alienating the kids, lying to anyone that will listen, obsessing over the past, litigation nonsense, etc. We both do our best to just ignore what we can and move along. And our kids are much happier for our efforts.

Its obvious that there's often half of a bad relationship that likes the status quo in a crappy marriage and really doesn't expect the other spouse to do anything about it.

I think there's also no doubt that the person that makes a conscious decision to change their life with a divorce and follows through with it has a much higher chance of moving on in a healthy and happy manner far, far more quickly.

[paris]

...I was the one who left my ex and he is constantly trying to talk about minor issues like who's buying what for the kids. Every time I try to distance myself, he comes up with a new reason why we need to talk to each other...

My husband's ex used to phone every day about trivial things... until he finally told her he wasn't coming back. She said she didn't want him back. He said "oh, I just assumed you did because you call me every day". The phone calls stopped.

[frustratedwithex]

My lawyer said 9 times out of 10 it's the spouse who didn't initiate the divorce that carries on this way. Anything to stay in your business.

I must be that 1 out of 10!

STBX initiated the divorce and use to send me very looong emails that were full of accusations, "legal advice", threats and parenting advice.

Every professional I talked to lawyer, therapist, financial specialist, asked if I had initiated the divorce. When I said no, they would I ask if I was in a new relationship. When I said no, they would just hummfff, no words.

I would ask why this mattered, why were they asking. And they all said it is unusual for the person who left to behave the way STBX was.

The best thing I did for myself was not to reply to the nonsense.

I attended a free seminar on communicating after divorce at the court house. I read Bill Eddy advice and followed B.I.F.F. (Brief-Informative-Friendly-Firm).

He still sends e-mails with accusations, only now they are 1 or 2 sentences instead of pages. If they need to be responded to, I only address the relevant issue.

[FB_]

I was in my basement working from home. I didn't hear her in the house until she was already walking down the stairs to the basement and I ran to the door to try and lock it but she was already there.

My recorder was in my work bag which was across the room and she doesn't know I record everything and I want to keep it that way. So I was not about to go running for it while she was watching me. She came home 30 minutes earlier than normal.

I though about recording her with my cell phone but the last time I did that she became aggressive physically trying to remove the phone from my hand. (in front of the kids) and I ended up having to call the police to calm her down. I did't want that to happen again. I just kept telling her to leave me alone. When I refused to talk about Easter she said fine I won't bring them home at all and they can spend Easter at *boyfriends*. This is when I had to speak up. I told her that that was not our agreement and I expected the kids to be in the house that night. She then told me too bad if I didn't care about Easter than the kids don't need to be here.

I then told her what the big deal was and told her to buy her own gifts and I would buy my own gifts.

I then told her I was ending the conversation. Went to my laptop and started to work and continued to ignore her. She then decided to leave.

When she left I sent her the following email

As discussed

I will buy the chocolate

I will get $20 in change for the eggs
I will buy my own gifts for Easter

You will get $20 in change for the eggs
You will buy your own gifts for Easter.

Again it is my expectation that the children will be spending Saturday night in their house so they are here for Easter Morning.

she replied

with two emails

It is my expectation that the children will be in their house Easter morning end of discussion

Sent from my iPhone

For the record Saturday night is my access night I don't tell you where you should be on you access nights so please don't tell me where I should be on mine.

Sent from my iPhone

[FB_]

My ex did the same thing. Even my lawyer ended up commenting "If he has this girlfriend he's so proud of, why is he constantly harassing you?"

FB, did you initiate the divorce? I was the one who left my ex and he is constantly trying to talk about minor issues like who's buying what for the kids. Every time I try to distance myself, he comes up with a new reason why we need to talk to each other and if I don't engage than I'm "refusing to co-parent". The whole thing is exhausting.

My lawyer said 9 times out of 10 it's the spouse who didn't initiate the divorce that carries on this way. Anything to stay in your business.

Yes I initiated the divorce.

That is exactly the way she is... "we took the kids to counselling and the counselor said we need to communicate for the children. You are refusing to communicate with me."

All I said was email was a very valid form of communication.

I honestly could care less about this guy. What I do care about is our kids. She has been seeing this guy since Sept-Oct and now is planning on moving in with him. He lives ~50km from the kids school. She is asking for sole custody and primary residence. So the issues I have is her trying to move them there as slowly as she has been. It started with one night here and one night there. Then one night every weekend she had the kids. Now it's two nights every weekend she has the kids. She has yet to have them sleep there on a school night but I'm sure it's coming very soon. My son has already told the counselor during the session that he didn't like having to drive there all the time.

So yes I am resisting change to the norm as much as possible.

Being a man I have a very real concern that she will end up with primary residence and move the kids to Orangeville and in with her boyfriend. It blows my mind that she's throwing all her energy into what a 6 month relationship. I agree it's not all that far and certainly something I could deal with if it ended up that way but no way in HELL am I going to roll over and let it happen without a fight.

I have several other concerns with her being a primary parent that I'm not even touching on here but so far I see nothing that is in the best interest of the children. She is looking out for her and her alone and I think it's very clear.

I feel my lawyer has done a very good job representing my concerns in my affidavit and motion but again I am a man in a court that still gives primary residence to women more often than not. Yes I am aware that it is possible for a man as there are certainly men on here who have done it but it is certainly an up hill battle.

I know many of you know the stress of all this and I appreciate all your support. Your constant reminders are very helpful and everyone continues to remind me of my goals which puts me back on the tracks. As May 8th nears the stress for both of us will only continue to escalate.

I do know and I am aware that I have been told how to act and what to do on many occasions by people who have been through it all. I appreciate that and it does help. I am miles ahead of where I was last year at this time and I really appreciate it. So Thank you

[Assume]

I'm new here and ive just just been reading a lot but I swear, when I read stories like yours FB, I think they should bring back "at-fault" divorce so that you could use your stbx's prior behavior to your advantage. What parent tries to replace the other parent the way she's doing???