Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Right to care for son during Summer

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Right to care for son during Summer

    Hi all, I wrote prev about the fact that I have been able to move 2 blocks from my 11 yr old son's school this past December. I have EOW but want to have 50/50 access. I began with the gradual change approach by having my son come home from school so insead of go to afterschool care. He may be too old for afterschool care and he is old enough to be alone at home for a few hours. My ex liked the idea originally but changed her mind I believe because it would change the status quo. (she also hates me which becomes a factor) We do not have a access order in place.

    Some here on the forum advised that I should get going in terms of changing status quo. Originally her Lawyer sent me a letter advising me to stop changing his schedule unilatterally. I did not want to make my position worse so I backed off. Recently my ex decided that her plans during my shceduled weekend were more inmportant and took him after school. I was no happy called the police and got a police report but of course there was nothing I could do.

    Since then I have decided that in discussion with my son if he agrees I will have him over nights on Tues and Wed and after school. Since there is no agreement in place there is nothing my ex can do either. Her lawyer of course sent threatening letters to go to court to enforce status quo if I do not return to the normal schedule.

    It's nearly 2 months now with the new schedule and nothing has happened with her lawyer (yet) I'm now working towards this new 50/50 status quo. I have taken the summer months off to focus on this. My son is happy and we are able to develop a stronger relationship as I expected. My ex is still raising hell of course. She discourages him from seeing me more than EOW. She talks badly about me which is in contradiction of the Ontario Divorce Act.

    Now that summer has begun my ex has suggested 1 week on one week off for the summer. The problem for me is that she does not want him to come here when he is not in camp for example but instead go to one of her friends place. the daycare/camp and her frinds are all in my area. I came here to be able to care for him. Also my son has just begun to see that I am here for him and not backing down. This would disrupt our new shcedule.

    My question is: shouldn't I have a say in what he gets signed up for, daycare or otherwise and don't I have a right to care for him when his mother is not around (after camp or during the day when she is away to work) or does she get to decide? I'm like a stay at home dad for the next 3 months. Should I try to keep to the new schedule for the sake of continuity? (Barring special events this summer of course)

  • #2
    My advice is if you are going for 50/50 access...and she is offering you every other week for the summer. Get it in writing and take it...and allow her to do what she wants on her week.

    However...on your week...you do what you want. (In my own case we have our son enrolled in day-camps during the week...it is through the local Y and he enrolled a week at a time...each week is treated inividually and can be cancelled and no cost incurred if notice is given 2 weeks in advance.)

    In a true 50/50 access you really will have no say on how she chooses to handle your son's care during her week...just as she really will have no say in how you handle your son's care on your week.

    ...you would both split the care costs proportionate to income just like a daycare cost. It is your business if you choose to keep him with you...while still paying the costs (if it is a real issue with her you may want to offer to pay the whole cost of your week...yet keep him with you...if her having to pay when he's not there is her main arguement).

    Since your child is over the age of 10...licensed daycare is not an option. I also think that he may even be able to legally stay home alone during the day (from age 10 on...but don't quote me on this...I only know that people do that here...)

    If it were me I'd enrol him in a babysitting course so you could better guage if he is prepared to stay home alone during your week with him once summer is over and you are back to work. It's also good to prove you are "preparing your child" should your ex balk at this idea in the fall when school resumes.

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree with MiVi. Look at the summer schedule as a trial period, you want it to go smooth and prove that it can work. In the fall you can point to this and say how well things went with no conflict and how happy the child is.

      If you start fighting over afternoon time on HER weeks, you are creating conflict where there doesn't need to be any.

      Getting the extra time makes sense when you had so little, but now you have legitimate 50/50 and a chance to point to the experience and show well it works. Don't blow it by picking a fight.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks for the feedback!

        I have him signed up for a babysitting course with kidsproof canada in 2 weeks.

        I was inclined to go with this 1 week on and off schedule. As you mentioned why cause a problem right?

        My real concern however is that whatever progress we were making (we were building a status quo over the last 2 months) with the 50/50 (2 day per week plus alternate weekends) would evaporate, and my ex has told me as much (that she wants to stop the new shcedule). Come the fall she wants it to go back to me just seeing him alternate weekends which would put me back in the situation where I unilaterally imposed this 50/50 schedule.. Still I see your point - it's still just another form of 50/50 which I could point to later as a positive..?

        The other dilema I seem to be having is just the fact that If I am a few blocks away why would I let some family friend or daycare take care of him (day or afternoons) while my ex is still at work or comming home. I took time off to be able to do that right? I mean if he's in an activity or camp of course I do not want to interfere, but If I'm just down the street he should be able to consider this his home also and come here after while he waits for mom to pick him up.. ? (there is usually an hour where the kids stay at the community center as a after care program) We could save this aftercare fee and give my 11 yr old a little freedom and responsibility, maybe see his dad?

        It seems strange that one parent wouldn't have the option to play that role. Isn't that basically the right of first refusal?

        Thanks again, always impressed with the support and help this forum offers!

        H

        Comment


        • #5
          Right now she is the gatekeeper, you do not have a court order for 50/50.

          You have an opportunity to get 50/50 through the summer with no arguments. Deal with the fall in the fall.

          Pick your battles. She is not "right" about the babysitting, but if you start fighting on multiple issues, there goes your 50/50 over the summer.

          I suggest you consult a lawyer over this and be prepared to seek a court order in the fall. Start gather evidence in any case, including a history of emails from her and also any records that show you caring for the child. You need to establish a history here.

          Comment


          • #6
            I agree with what you have already been told. Accept the week about for the summer months, suck up the PROPORTIONAL costs of child care/camps on her weeks/etc.

            You have to pick your battles here and develop an action plan. Ideally, you would have true 50-50 with right of first refusal, etc. Here's my advice:

            1. Accept the 50-50, get it in writing.

            2. Pay a pro rata share of whatever special expenses are necessary for her weeks. (camp/day care/etc). Make sure she gives you a receipt first, but pay it without arguing.

            3. Plan for, and have a lawyer prepped and ready to rock with a motion for the week about access to continue come fall. You have 2 months of data to draw upon, as well as the past history. Alternately, offer to keep the existing every Tues/Wed and EOW schedule, or offer up 2-2-3, or similar. Right now you have NOTHING, THAT has to change.

            4. Make sure you are paying CS (if you make more than she does)using the offset method. I hope like hell you have been doing this all along.

            The key part here is to both show you can work with the ex, that you are willing and capable of handling 50-50, and that you are not asking for it merely to shirk your financial responsibilities. (Not saying you are, but that could be something the ex/her lawyer claims....kind of hard to use that argument if you are willingly coughing up the expenses she asks you for...see now why everyone is saying to focus on the week about thing for now?)

            You may want to simply email her indicating you accept the week about offer for the summer, and that you will agree to pay a proportional share of any childcare/camp expenses incurred during her weeks while she works upon being given a proper receipt, however you want to reiterate the fact that you are ready, willing and available to provide care during this time. End by saying you would appreciate being given the option to watch him if she needs someone.

            Were I you, I would make plans to go out once or twice during the summer for a couple of hours in the evening, and offer your ex the option of watching him. This shows YOU are willing to work with her and offer HER the right of first refusal, and SHE is the one being unreasonable. Once or twice over 2 months is NOT enough that it can be used against you in court, just keep it to a couple of hours. (Go have dinner and catch a movie with a friend or something).

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks again for the great advce and good tips. I know you must get tired of trying to explain this stuff to thick headed Dad's like me in a panic over access issues.. lol

              I'll be back in touch after the summer to let you know how it went.

              H

              Comment

              Our Divorce Forums
              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
              Working...
              X