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  • I can't get rid of this woman

    I have a son that I haven't seen in 5 years. His mother and I can't stand each other and I couldn't deal with her bullshit anymore, so I let go and moved on with my life. I am remarried to a beautiful woman who I love very much, she is nothing like my ex. got married 6 months ago. She has 2 kids from a pervious marriage, but their dad doesn't see them and doesn't pay support. I don't see why I should have to pay support to my ex if I don't see my son. My ex has a good life and makes decent money and I am sure my son has everything he needs. I asked her if I could give up my parent rights and she said no. Now she is wanting more money. I don't see the kid so should I have to pay her for it? I pay some support as often as I can, but now I am supporting my wifes 2 kids. My ex never asked for my paystubs and now she wants back support for 3 years. She says I should have told her I got a new job that paid more. I don't see why I have to tell her anything about my life. I don't even know how she found my address. It is her fault that I don't have a relationship with my kid. I told her I don't want access but she still wants money. Can anyone help me?

  • #2
    You will likley be paying support based on your income, the retro as well possibly but certainly from the time she asked. Visitation or custody arrangements have nothing to do with child support payments what so ever. I do see your point to a certain extent that the child is already well cared for financially but you will have to pay as per guidelines.

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    • #3
      I get that I am supposed to pay by some guideline but what is the guideline? I still dont see why I should have to pay if I dont want access. Is there a way to sign off even if she doesnt agree? Shes demanding almost triple the amount we agreed on 7 years ago and says I owe her 8 grand in back support? Is this even possible or is she lying to me? She also said something about me having to pay half of the kids extra expenses ONTOP OF THE CHILD SUPPORT!!!! What are extra expenses and why should I have to pay for them. Does she get to send me a bill for whatever she wants? If she is going to take half my pay check how am I supposed to pay my rent? We didnt go to court before and I cant afford a Lawyer. She wont be reasonable. What can I do?

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Shrek View Post
        Shes demanding almost triple the amount we agreed on 7 years ago ?
        I meant 4 years ago,

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        • #5
          No suggestions from anyone?

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          • #6
            Hi Shrek... first it would probably help you a lot if you come to terms with the fact that child support is not "payment to visit your child". Child support is purely because you created a human being, and he requires clothing, a roof, food, dental visits, etc, until he is an adult. Whether you choose to have a relationship with him or not has nothing to do with the matter of: you created him and he costs money.

            Personally, I would urge you to try your best, even now, to begin a relationship with him. Someday he is going to wonder about his father and wonder why his father didn't try harder to 'fight for him'. I believe it's inside all of us to wonder about our parentage. It's never too late. It would also show your other step-children that you are a stand-up kind of dad and care about all your children. Someday they will find out about their step-brother and may want him in their lives. That's just my opinion, but I thought I'd offer it.


            You can calculate your child support payments by using the government tables... Federal Child Support Amounts: Simplified Tables It's very simple, you simply find the amount based on your income and number of children.

            Most likely if you ended up in court and could show that paying all the arrears would be a hardship on your present family, the judge would lower your amount for you. In the meantime, arrears aside, it would be wise for your to begin regularly paying the correct amount of child support immediately. And perhaps to make a fresh attempt to be present in your son's life.

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            • #7
              I must be reading this wrong. The guidelines say I owe her almost $600 a month!!!! That is ridiculous. I cant pay her that kind of money. This woman is ruining my life. Between her and her boyfriend they make way more money than I do. I drove by their house its a nice place. Theyve got money. They dont NEED mine. Her email says that she wants the difference between what I have given her and the guideline amount for the past 3 years. Will she get it? A Judge wouldnt do that to me would he? Theres gotta be a way out of this. Please help me.

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              • #8
                One thing we hear all the time when it comes to raising children in non-nuclear family environments is the need to be "child centred". Unfortunately your posts make you appear to be "you-centred".

                Your child has a right to financial support from both parents. He also a right to access to both parents. Regardless that Mom is inhibiting access, you should be trying overcome that to foster a relationship with him, for his sake.

                If you and Mom can't agree and you end up in court, you will be paying the table amount plus your proportionate share of section 7 expenses, period.

                For your sake, and especially for your son's sake, PLEASE avoid that ratcheting up of conflict and find a way to agree with her to support your child financially AND emotionally by reinstating his access to his father.

                If she refuses to cooperate then redouble your efforts to be reasonable. It is extremely hard, I know. Your son does not need two unreasonable people for parents.

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                • #9
                  Shrek, I know that if you had never seen or heard of table amounts of child support before and that you never thought you would be paying you must be in total shock!

                  The reality as everyone is trying to tell you is if you have a child, you will pay support based on the guidelines (or more sometimes) if it goes to court.

                  Your child's Mom could be extremely wealthy and you would still pay based on your income, this is widely debated as being unfair but as a Dad you really should be trying to help with your child regardless if you chose to have access or not.

                  BTW most will not understand why you would not try to have access to your own child but that was not your question.

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                  • #10
                    Thanks for your replies. No one has answered yet if there is any way I can get around this. As I said before I have moved on with my life and I am happy now in my marriage. I dont want to involve my ex and my son in my life.

                    To dadtotheend I understand what you are saying and I know that I must look like a terrible person because I am not involved in my sons life. His mother is a complete .... but she doenst inhibit my access. As bad as it might sound to strangers the fact is that I didnt get a say in whether she kept the baby or not and I told her I didnt want kids. I am ADHD and dont have the patience for screaming kids. When she got pregnant I told her that I wouldnt just sit back and let her sponge off me for the next 20 years so she knew in advance what was going to happen. She made her choice. Her new partner is there for her and the kid. he doesnt need me.

                    The child has rights to be supported but what about my rights to not be tied to a woman I hate. I am not an ATM.
                    So now if I dont pay I will end up in jail! That is insane.

                    If I cant get out of the child support is there anything I can do about the back support and extra expenses thing. Do I get a say or just the bills?

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                    • #11
                      You had sex with her dude. Now there's a kid. You have a legal and moral responsibility to the child.

                      You could stop earning an income, or you could disappear, otherwise there's no way to get out of CS.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Shrek View Post
                        As I said before I have moved on with my life and I am happy now in my marriage. I dont want to involve my ex and my son in my life.
                        Shrek, Judge Judy would have a hay-day with you... sorry, but you can't "make a baby" and then walk away. You just can't. Can you imagine the chaos in this country if that were the case?

                        The fact is: you had sex that resulted in the creation of a human being.

                        You are now legally required to provide for that human being until he is an adult. It doesn't matter if your ex is dirt poor, average income or Ivanka Trump. You're the father, and now you have to provide for him, even if the law has to force you to. The child support guidelines are what they are. You may have luck in court getting the arrears amount lowered, but that would be up to your ex, and/or a judge.

                        $600 per month works out to $20 a day. That's $20 per day to feed him, clothe him, shelter him, take him to the dentist, pay for pizza lunch day at school, get him a Hallowe'en costume, let him take a little gift for his friend's birthday party, maybe put some towards a bicycle in the spring, and so on.

                        That's not a lot of money. My ex pays $506 per month for my son, and it's very hard to make that stretch.

                        No matter what your ex makes, you should feel good and have integrity knowing that you sired a son and you are providing for that son. Some day he may coming looking for you with questions... wouldn't it be nice to be able to hold your head up high and say "I did my very best son..."

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                        • #13
                          What I know from my own experiences you can't claim back children support from years back. Only a judge can decide. I also believe if you ex marries someone you may be off the hook for children support. The courts will have to review financial information and they will set a new amount. The FRO can not change the amount of CS without a court order but they can take away your drivers license or put you in jail for not paying.

                          The best advise would be talk to a lawyer.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by strotter1006 View Post
                            I also believe if you ex marries someone you may be off the hook for children support. The courts will have to review financial information and they will set a new amount. The FRO can not change the amount of CS without a court order but they can take away your drivers license or put you in jail for not paying.

                            The best advice would be talk to a lawyer.
                            The ex remarrying does not change the child support amount... you must be thinking of spousal support. Sometimes ss can change if there is remarriage, but not child support. Think about it: the boy is still his. He needs to support his own child.

                            The FRO cannot change the cs amount purely on one person's say. There must either be an agreement between both parties or a court order. I recently went through this... we started with a court order because my ex was lying about his income. So the court order got the monthly cs payments started. Then, a year later my daughter finished college, so the cs amount needed to be reduced. We were able to do that ourselves without a court order because we both agreed in writing that there was now only one child needing cs.

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                            • #15
                              phoenix, are you sure that remarriage only counts for spousal support. Isnt strotter saying that if she marries the guy and then I could be off the hook?

                              I cant just quit earning and income or disappear. My new wife and her kids want to stay where we are. I suggested BC. She doesnt get support from her ex so she is getting pretty angry that my ex is demanding all this money from us. The witch is already affecting my life. I am pretty much screwed if I have to pay the guideline. On top of that she wants back support and extra expenses. I'll end up bankrupt. How can she do this to me and I have no way to defend myself.

                              Comment

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