Dealing with a Controlling Other Parent

[Maggie82]

Wondering if any of you have any advice on how to deal with a controlling and entitled other parent. Mom and Dad have Joint Custody and each have right to decision making when Child is with them. Naturally, each parent has the right to receive information regarding Child directly from the provider. Which is understandable, until it becomes problematic. Unfortunately, Mom wants to control everything that happens at Dad's house. If Dad signs child up for an activity, Mom calls the facility before the child is even enrolled to let them know to call her with updates and information... and calls again after the session to question the child's instructors about the progress (even though Dad sent her an email communicating the progress as well as a copy of any progress report). The same for any sort of appointment/check-up. It has gotten so annoying (and quite embarrassing) that Dad is ready to throw up his hands and stop taking his child to appointments or sign him up for activities. Not just because of Mom's excessive butting-in, but because this behaviour is causing tension and major distrust between Mom and Dad, especially when Mom gets slightly different information than Dad communicated to her - which is understandable if they are speaking with different people and if the instructors feel interrogated and need to "play it safe" to cover their own butts. We don't blame them. But as a result of the slightest skew in information, Mom accuses Dad of lying and documents it as "proof" that Dad can't be trusted, giving her more reason to call the facilities and instructors.

It wasn't always like this. Before, Mom and Dad would inform one another of the activities and appointments and depend on updates that followed from the other parent. But ever since Mom got married and this new man has moved in with her, Mom has been super entitled and controlling of what goes on at Dad's house. We don't know if this has something to do with the new man or if it's just a coincidence in timing.

Any suggestions? Advice?

[HammerDad]

First, I would stop sending updates. Advise that the kid had a class/appointment whatever and that should she want any further information to go to the service provider/source. I mean, she is going to do it anyway, so why bother wasting your time to tell her?

There is no need to give a detailed description of events, just say that Kid-A had a lesson today and it went well. That should she want more details she is more then welcome to ask the provider. Should she press and ask you, give a generic overview of the lesson. If it was a doctors appointment, I would advise of the doctors prognosis and what, if any, prescriptions were provided. And again, that should she need more detail, she should ask the doctor who is better versed at describing everything.

I wouldn't stop registering the child in activities during your parenting time. But I may stop letting her know about it. If the lessons are during your parenting time, and don't affect her in any way, simply don't bother telling her about them. They don't involve her. Should she find out anyway, and seek information, simply advise that you didn't tell her because you are not obligated to advise of activities that happen solely on your parenting time and in your house, just as she isn't obligated to advise you of similar activities which occur in her house.

She may bark up and down all she wants, but it is really none of her business.

[FB_]

Not sure how communication is happening here, but stick to email only if you do have to communicate.

She has every right to contact those people and ask questions. But as mentioned above you do NOT need to provide information unless it's important medical information.

What you do with child on your own time is your own business.

[Maggie82]

Communication has always been via email - court ordered. And in the past (12 years) updates were always provided and appreciated, with no further questioning/contacting the service provider. That aspect is new (and recent). But it has happened 4 times this summer, and each time has been used as "proof" that the information Dad provides and the information the facility provides is different (and the slightest difference that most would oversee, for example, whether the child "should" or "could" go up to the next level, etc.).

The problem with not providing information is that it is required as per the court order, since the cost of 2 summer activities is shared between the households. But in order to determine which 2 activities are shared, the parents need to be informed of any other activities that the child might be enrolled in. Then from all the activities, the parents pick 2 for which to share the cost, and the other activities are covered by the parent doing the enrolling on their time. So in the end, both parents know what activities the child is enrolled in and can (theoretically) contact the provider if they wish. Except this has never happened before this summer, when all of a sudden Mom has begun calling every activity provider and instructor and using it to "prove" Dad can't be trusted to relay information. (Maybe she's up to something, who knows?)

It's just come as a shock and an annoying one to say the least. Not to mention embarrassing when you show up with the child and the manager or instructor look at you as if you're some kind of untrustworthy deadbeat. (Because who knows what Mom tells them when she calls!)

[SadAndTired]

Since Mom has been reasonable in the past, have you just asked her why she has suddenly had a change of heart in asking for updates?

If I was Dad, I would simply do as above. Send an email saying that unless it is a medical update <which I feel Dad should provide promptly>, she can get her own update.

I would likely word it

"Dear Mom

Thank you for approaching the service providers directly for updates regarding child's progress. I too feel that this is an efficient way to ensure you receive the information that you need as sometimes you have concerns that vary from mine. I will assume that you will speak directly to them each time and do not require a similar update from me.

I appreciate your initiative and if you need anything further, do not hesitate to ask."

Edited to add: Mom will eventually show her true colours. I wouldnt worry that the instructors believe her.

[FB_]

Communication has always been via email - court ordered. And in the past (12 years) updates were always provided and appreciated, with no further questioning/contacting the service provider. That aspect is new (and recent). But it has happened 4 times this summer, and each time has been used as "proof" that the information Dad provides and the information the facility provides is different (and the slightest difference that most would oversee, for example, whether the child "should" or "could" go up to the next level, etc.).

The problem with not providing information is that it is required as per the court order, since the cost of 2 summer activities is shared between the households. But in order to determine which 2 activities are shared, the parents need to be informed of any other activities that the child might be enrolled in. Then from all the activities, the parents pick 2 for which to share the cost, and the other activities are covered by the parent doing the enrolling on their time. So in the end, both parents know what activities the child is enrolled in and can (theoretically) contact the provider if they wish. Except this has never happened before this summer, when all of a sudden Mom has begun calling every activity provider and instructor and using it to "prove" Dad can't be trusted to relay information. (Maybe she's up to something, who knows?)

It's just come as a shock and an annoying one to say the least. Not to mention embarrassing when you show up with the child and the manager or instructor look at you as if you're some kind of untrustworthy deadbeat. (Because who knows what Mom tells them when she calls!)

How is it used as proof?

To Whom?

For what purpose?

Is she attempting to change access based on this "proof"

Or is she just really being high conflict over this proof?

[Maggie82]

How is it used as proof?

To Whom?

For what purpose?

Is she attempting to change access based on this "proof"

Or is she just really being high conflict over this proof?

That is what we don't know.

Right now she is also racking up our lawyer bill by flip flopping on an issue she agreed to 4 weeks ago on which she has been retreating and re-agreeing every other day since.

Dad wants an order for child care that requires there to be a justifiable reason for the need for child care for a 12-year-old, for Dad to have right of first refusal if Mom requires child care, and for there to be a mutual consent on the child care provider who shall provide proper receipts to the parents for their respective share... but Mom wants to keep the order as is (when it was first written when Child was an infant) as it gives her full control so that she can register the soon-to-be-TEENAGER in whatever child care she chooses (e.g., Babysitting-by-Grandma) and send Dad the bill for his share. But that's a whole other mess!

(Dad finally managed to get Mom to pull the 12-year-old out of daycare, which she did only after he agreed to pay for 2 additional activities and to share the cost of a cell phone. Except now she's flip flopping on whether the cell phone plan should be shared equally or proportionately. Dad suggested equally... she agreed, then said she wants it shared proportionately, so dad agreed hoping this will be the end of it, but it wasn't and now she wants it shared equally again. It will probably flip flop a few more times before the agreement is signed. If it ever is.)

[rockscan]

So let her pick the two activities that are shared costs and dad can pick whatever activities he wants to pay for fully on his time then he just flips and email with name of activity and contact info for service provider and if mom has any issues he says simply "you are more than welcome to contact the service provider for details." If mom becomes hc about it he simply tells her its his parenting time, not hers and her conflict is interference.

[rockscan]

If hes paying for the activity and its solely on his time she shouldnt be interfering. And im sure there are PLENTY of people on this forum who have this interference on activities like this all the time. Wait until the kid is old enough to start spouting moms opinion about why they shouldnt do something instead of just hearing it from mom. Thats a whole other nightmare coming for you.

[Maggie82]

Wait until the kid is old enough to start spouting moms opinion about why they shouldnt do something instead of just hearing it from mom. Thats a whole other nightmare coming for you.

We get that already! Basic questions about his opinion on a topic are answered with... "My mom and I think..." or "We believe..." So much so that we started telling him that we don't want to know what his mom thinks, just what HE thinks. His mom can (and undoubtedly will) let us know herself.

[rockscan]

Well we cant take the kids anywhere or do anything because its not "safe" and then when we push it we're subject to repeated phone calls and texts to make sure the kids are ok. Because dad really doesnt care about their safety and only aims to put his babies in danger! (Thats sarcasm)

[rockscan]

P.S. My partner started putting his foot down on the high conflict and now hasnt really spoken to his ex in more than two sentences that are polite and legally appropriate. Sure its led to more hc with his kids but hes put his foot down there and set strict boundaries on moms attitude and reality. So far its working with a few minor blips so we're taking it as a win. At least the screaming phone calls with a hang up after shes done have stopped.

[Maggie82]

Yikes, Rockscan. Sorry to hear. But I can sympathize. And I would consider that a win too. It's for a very similar reason that a judge ordered "email communication only" in hopes of giving Dad some peace. It has been a saving grace. For a while, Mom tried to bypass it and called and left voicemails nonstop (not informative voicemails, but angry ones demanding a call back if Dad "cared at all" about his son). Upon the advice of our lawyer, Dad simply EMAILED Mom back with "In response to your voicemail left at [time] on [date]..." This only made matters worse for a while but eventually she began abiding by the court order and communicating over email. (Again, this went back to control and her wanting to control how "she" communicated... and not have a judge order her to communicate in a certain way.)

I can't imagine what people did before email! Eeeeeek!

So I see that there really is little hope for putting a controlling/entitled parent in their place, huh? You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

[rockscan]

My mother was hc back in the days of no email. It was ugly and normally led to legal correspondence so maybe email has been an improvement!

[MrToronto]

Around 12 years off age, a kid can start voicing where he/she wants to stay.

Perhaps the other parent is already hearing that from junior...and turning hostile.

Unless there's medical issues with kid....before and after school care for a 12 year old is fairly standard (parents share vacations)..no reason for full daycare.

Pre-teens pick up and drop activities like candy...I'm curious what the fuss is really all about (future NBA draft pick?) here.....if it's an "established long term activity" the wrinkles should of been ironed out years ago.

The pre teen will be "even older" in a few years if this makes it to Court...and obviously because the kid will be older....every cliam you started with...will be replaced with new claims!....maybe changed 2 or 3 times as the process drags along.

16 years old...who's buying the car.

Then next is 18 year old "adult child"

my point...time to start winding up the seperation stuff....ignore the conflict for as long as possible with OP. it isn't worth the money to fight...changes are coming fast with a growing teen.