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  • Introducing Boyfriend to Kids - Some Advise Please

    Some background
    I was married to my ex June 2002 and we separated July 2010.
    Our divorce was finalized December 2011.
    We have an informal agreement regarding our son.
    At present our son will stay with me until my ex is settled then we will move to 50/50 1 week on/1 week off

    We only recently spoke to our s7 about the divorce because my ex was still living in the home and we didn't want to confuse him. So my ex will be moving out in a week (thank goodness).


    My dilemma
    I met my current boyfriend 6 months after my separation and he and I have been together for a year and a few months. He and I are quite serious and plan to marry/have kids in the future. The issue is that because my ex was still living with me during this time, I did not want to introduce my beau to s7. I didn't want to confuse him.

    My boyfriend is a big part of my life and I want to share that with s7 but want to go about it the right way. My boyfriend and I are also quite anxious to start our lives together ie. him moving in with us.

    So my question is:
    How should I go about introducing them and allowing them to build a relationship? How long should we wait before moving in together?

    S7 is very important to me and I want to do this so that he remains comfortable/doesn't feel threatened.

    Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

  • #2
    Have you talked to your child about the new person yet or has he asked? Does he understand the current situation with his dad and how the arrangement is going to work out?

    I think you just have to go slow here and there's no standard time for anything. It would seem to be largely dependent on how well the child reacts to the new normal. Depending on the maturity of the child and the relationship between his parents, I would imagine some kids do better than others.

    I introduced my children to my new parent with other family around. It was the best set-up for me while I was still in the matrimonial home because I'd spend my weekends outside of the home at my mother's house and my family is all there for dinner on weekends. My new partner was there and instead of it being awkward, he was just part of the group and within a month, it was basically normal that he was around. In the next year, he became just part of the family. I was introduced into his family basically the same way and its all worked out very well.

    Again, I think it depends on the child's understanding and maturity and you can expect it will probably be a bit awkward at first. I would just try it out...check his reaction. Talk to him about it..and take another small step. Most kids love anyone in their life that is fun and involved with them so I'm sure it will all work out well.

    Best wishes.

    Comment


    • #3
      I think your situation is unusual because for a year and half you and his father were separated, but the child didn't know this.

      You have been seeing your boyfriend for a year, and ordinarily this would be a fine time to begin introducing him to your son. However from your son's point of view, his parents split up barely a few months ago. His emotions will still be raw.

      While at his age he won't have a clear opinion about quickly things should go, it will all seem to be awfully quick for him.

      Hypothetically, if you introduce your boyfriend to him now and then begin living with him in a couple of months, to the child it will seem like it was instant. He won't take this well, no matter how carefully you explain things.

      Imagine that you met your boyfriend and started dating today. How long would you wait until introducing him to your child? How well would you want your child to know this man before suggesting that you all live together? Think about it this way.

      If this were me, I would wait untill at least a few months after dad had moved out, and the child had settled into both homes and was thriving. I would compassionately explain to the child that the marriage had ended a long time earlier, that you were all just continuing to live together. Expect the child to not then understand why you had to live apart at all! This will take time and care to settle in.

      It's necessary for him to get this far in order to understand that you have known your boyfriend for a long time, that he isn't some instant replacement, and that you weren't cheating on your ex. A few sentences won't do the trick, understanding takes time and thought in order to sink in.

      Once this becomes clear and real, then moving in together would be smooth and needn't require a long wait. I don't think you should do it in terms of "how many months" but rather in terms of "how much understanding."

      Comment


      • #4
        I agree completely that you'd want to wait probably a lengthy amount of time before the boyfriend moves in. From your son's perspective, you've just gone from being married to his dad, to his dad moving out to the new guy moving in right away. That doesn't give a realistic message at all, and you wouldn't want to teach him that relationships are that easy to break and make. Let him see the slow building up of dating before cohabitating and marrying. You can't just explain that this already happened and he just didn't know. That's not the same as him experiencing it.

        You do have the advantage of knowing the relationship is solid though, and if he's worth the trouble, the boyfriend will understand and work with you.

        However, based on a lot of reading, the new boyfriend may be an issue with the ex, as well. Does he know about the boyfriend, and the likelihood of him moving in with you and the child? You may find your informal agreement in danger once things proceed with the boyfriend. I would suggest doing your arrangement up formally before introducing the boyfriend, to prevent possible trouble and court.
        Last edited by Rioe; 03-05-2012, 11:09 AM.

        Comment


        • #5
          I would talk to your child, let them meet him and see how the relationship develops before worrying about when you will move in together. Your child will give you the cues as to how much he likes this person, how comfortable he is. It maybe 6month a year before he's ready for another man to move in, it may be sooner, they may not like each other. Really you just need to take that first step, take it slow and see how it naturally progresses.

          Comment


          • #6
            @pursuinghappiness
            I have talked to my son about him but as a friend only, not a romantic interest. My ex and I have talked to s7 about the how things will be but I'm not sure what he's feeling or thinking as s7 can be very quiet and unemotional at times.

            I wish I could introduce my son as you did but I do not have any family here.


            @mess
            Thanks for the suggestions. You're right, if I'd just started dating my bf now, I'd wait at least 6 months to introduce him to my son. Honestly, the only friends that have met my son, are thos that have children. I am very protective of him and want to make sure the right people are in his life. I've never even had a non-family sitter watch him. The world is a pretty scary place and I just want to be sure he is well taken care of physically/mentally.

            I do believe that I will gradually introduce them starting with a short outing (maybe a visit to the museum). Of course, I will take cues from my son and talk to him regularly about the changes that are happening now. I know for a fact that he does not react to change very well if he is not given time to digest (he gets that from his father).

            At present, he has only heard me speak of my bf as a friend. And he doesn't seem to understand the notion of boyfriend/girlfriend. His father and I were never affectionate and we started living in separate bedrooms before our official split in 2010.


            @rioe
            There shouldn't be any problem with my ex regarding this. He has known from the beginning as I have known about his dating exploits. Neither of us has been to court and I don't expect that we will ever do so.

            My ex said that he just wants me to go slowly. He says that he doesn't care what happens 6 months from now but does not want my bf moving in as soon as he leaves.


            Thanks for all the advice everyone. I will gradually introduce my beau to s7 and if things go well, I'll increase visits (ie. dinner at home with us et al). Hopefully within 6 months to a year, we can look at combining our households.

            I think am a little nervouse about this because my ex is afraid of being replaced in the eyes of our son, my bf is childless and probably doesn't know just how much kids change your life and son is unaware of just how much his life will change in the next few years. I am trying to be optimistic that everything will turn out well. Hopefully it does.

            Comment


            • #7
              Stressed:

              I think you're doing the right thing to introduce the new partner in a public place. I think it helps when more people are around.

              My new partner has children and is really good with kids but he actually read quite a bit in the library and on-line about blended families before he met my children. If this is someone who doesn't have children yet. He should just not not to be worried about your child being ultra-sensitive to him...or even not responding to him at all for a while...its a process. I'd just do some fun things all together with lots of distractions around at first.

              There's a lot of things to help this process. One, divorce is fairly common these days...so while kids definitely have stress about their own home and family...they have less outside stigma from other kids. Its not something he won't have heard of before. Another thing is how resilient kids are...they tend to react better to things than we think they're going to.

              I think if your son understands right now that you have a new friend...that's just fine. He doesn't need to know any romantic details about your relationship. I would just let him know that you know things are changing and that he may have a lot of questions and that you'll answer whatever you can. I'd imagine his dad might have new gfs too...so he'll be seeing it from that end also.

              The bottom line is that kids like people who focus on their needs, pay attention to them and have fun with them. Don't worry too much about the timeline...it will alll work out if you take the cues from your children about when he's ready for the next step. I think this is a very positive thing.

              My children seem to have a much easier time with me and my new partner and a lot harder time with their dad because he's still pretty bitter about the divorce. They get tired of all the marital fighting too and want to move on just like we do.

              Best wishes to you, your children, and new guy...Congrats!

              Comment


              • #8
                I have recently gone through this same decision process. It is not as hard as it sounds, esp if your child is used to interacting with the adults in your family, neighbours and teachers etc.

                My daughter was introduced to my boyfriend just as mommy's friend. It was a little different, as my bf also has a young daughter, so we allowed them to meet each other quite early. Naturally, the girls assumed that their friendship was the main factor, and it gave us time to ease the idea of dating to them. My daughter had a much harder time getting used to the idea, and would tell us that we weren't allowed to kiss or hold hands. When we did we both got put in time out! hahaha.

                It only took about a month of seeing my bf a couple times a week before she accepted the boyfriend status, and 3 months later we moved in and the girls themselves are calling us a family

                I think the main factor in how easily you child accepts the new arrangement is how happy he sees you, and that you can reassure him that both mommy and daddy will always still be his parents.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by iceberg View Post
                  @ stressed....if your new H has kids it will be a lot easier. If not, like someone said above, depends of the child how they will take that change.

                  BTW how does a child calls their step parent? I wouldn't let my kid call my ex's H a daddy nor my new W mommy but it is not very nice to call them by name either.

                  How does it work? I am planning to start living with my gf this year but my d6 only knows her by her name.
                  Ice, our D16 has had permanent partners in both houses since she was about 4. She addresses the respective partners by their first names.
                  Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
                    Ice, our D16 has had permanent partners in both houses since she was about 4. She addresses the respective partners by their first names.
                    That's interesting. I don't recall ever calling my step-father by his name. That would not have gone over well in my family. It seems to show a lack of respect. I don't know what I called him when I was a kid (He entered my life when I was 8) but at the moment I call him dad.

                    Although, my bio-dad wasn't really in the picture and my step-dad has been with my mother for at least 20 years now. So that may explain the difference.


                    I thin it depends on the people involved. As a child I called my mother's friends, Title + First name. So if a friend was called Jackie, I'd call her Ms. Jackie. And if the person was really close to my mom, I would call them Auntie/Uncle + First name.


                    I am from the southern US so that may have something to do with it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post
                      Ice, our D16 has had permanent partners in both houses since she was about 4. She addresses the respective partners by their first names.
                      I agree...my bfs kids do not call me Mom or Step-Mom, they simply call me by my name. I don't find it disrespectful at all... I am not their mother so requesting they call me that would be wrong. If they ever wanted to call me Mom or Step-mom I would not be insulted, however they will do that on their own terms if they wish.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I don't think it is at all black and white. Decisions on this sort of thing must be made on a case-by-case basis.

                        IMO, there is nothing wrong with calling another woman that acts motherly toward you and loves you, 'mom'. The child will still know who their biological mother is. S7 and I have a strong bond from when he was very young and I doubt him calling another woman 'mom' would alter that in any way. Also, it would not offend me because I know who and what I am to S7.


                        Also, about children calling adults by their first name, that is something that a child just does not do. That is how I was raised. In my case, while I am not married to my bf, it would be appropriate for S7 to call bf by a nickname but definitely not his actual name. Once I am married and have other children, it would be odd for S7 to be the only child in the home not to call him 'dad'.


                        In my eyes, that would just be another way for S7 to be segregated from the rest of the family as he will already know that he is different just by his appearance (S7 is mixed race, Caucasian/African-American). I am African-American and my bf is African so any children we have will definitely look different than S7.


                        I had to deal with feeling like something of an outsider as a child. Do you know how awful it feels (as a child) to have the postman put a question mark next to your name on letters because the last name was different from the others in the family? I want a fully integrated happy blended family.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
                          IMO, there is nothing wrong with calling another woman that acts motherly toward you and loves you, 'mom'. The child will still know who their biological mother is.
                          That just seems bizarre to me - calling two people "mom". But as you said, to each their own, every family is unique.

                          Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
                          Also, about children calling adults by their first name, that is something that a child just does not do. That is how I was raised. In my case, while I am not married to my bf, it would be appropriate for S7 to call bf by a nickname but definitely not his actual name. Once I am married and have other children, it would be odd for S7 to be the only child in the home not to call him 'dad'.
                          But your S7, unlike any other children you may have in the future, already has a 'dad'.
                          I do agree with you on one note- our child does not address any other adult by their first name. Neighbors, teachers, friends, doctors, dentists are all addressed by their appropriate titles.

                          Originally posted by stressedmama View Post
                          In my eyes, that would just be another way for S7 to be segregated from the rest of the family as he will already know that he is different just by his appearance (S7 is mixed race, Caucasian/African-American). I am African-American and my bf is African so any children we have will definitely look different than S7.

                          I had to deal with feeling like something of an outsider as a child. Do you know how awful it feels (as a child) to have the postman put a question mark next to your name on letters because the last name was different from the others in the family? I want a fully integrated happy blended family.
                          Actually, I do! I had a strange childhood as well.

                          In an attempt to correct that for our child and integrate our new families, I kept my ex's last name, and went hyphenated. So I am a #1ex/#2husband name.. and when I am dealing with the school, her extracurricular activities, doctors, etc. with respect to our child, I use #1exname and introduce myself as such. Now that our child is 16 turning 17, this summer I plan on legally changing my name again. I feel that she is secure enough in her own identity, it is now time for me to remove that part of my name.

                          Though I'm not biracial, nor is our child, so perhaps that is a perspective that I can't comprehend.
                          Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            My boyfriend and I each have two kids, they address us by our first names and we address each other to the children by our first names. I can't imagine asking my kids to call him dad as that would be weird for them, especially at their ages, nor do I expect to be called mom by his kids for the same reason. His have a mom, mine have a dad and IMO, those terms are reserved for Mom & Dad. One of his kids has referred to me on occassion as her 'Wicked! Step-mom' though, lol.

                            We will be getting married and I intend to hyphenate my current married name with his last name. It seems more natural to me and in a way, blends the families a bit better rather than me losing that connection with my kids in taking only his name or passing up that connection with him and his kids if I keep my current name. Reverting to my maiden name means I'd lose that connection with all of them which I'm not ok with either.

                            I think, regardless of what you choose name-wise, children will only feel as 'different' as you make them. I wouldn't make it a big deal, either about the name or the bi-racial topic and treat it as just the way things are which sets the standard for everyone else. I'm sure it will come up sometimes but if you make it a big deal, so will everyone else.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I agree Blink... I could never ask my bfs children to call me Mom... it would not only be weird for them but it would be weird for me too... the kids and I have a strong bond, but that doesn't mean I wish to be called Mom...

                              The kids also refer to many adults in their lives as their first name... I am from a small town, where everyone knows, everyone... we have a very close group of family/friends, who are very involved in the lives of the children when they are with us... they all encourage to children to call them by their names or nick names.

                              Every family is different, and we are in a different era... whatever works for your family, is what you should be doing.

                              Comment

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