BACKGROUND: We split 6mo before D7 was born. Only child. Short-lived relationship - she's a volatile personality who felt she was entitled to my support of her hobby-business (which is her 'Identity') which she persists in even now after 13 years of failure (she is the youngest and only unmarried in a wealthy and very proud middle-eastern family).
Access is 2.5 overnights per week, plus StatHols/PD days that fall on my weekends, plus half holidays/summer (averages to exactly 40%).
Until 1 yr ago, mom was pretty good at keeping conflict away from our D, only minor blips (the worst one was an apparent self-pity attack causing D to break down in tears because she felt that she had to go back and look after mommy because she was all alone, and mommy just sits at home crying on the phone).
Mom used to come out on school field trips with D7 and me, and it was cordial - and D loved having both of us with her, but mom has decided she won't do that anymore. She gets more sympathy mileage out of telling everyone that she can't attend field trips because I do. It balances because she is involved in occasional in-class activities, which I cannot do because of school's French language barrier.
Recently D7 is getting hit hard, stuff like 'why didn't you tell me that you and mommy went to a judge to decide everything', and 'when you make a baby with someone you are supposed to get married and stay together', plus mom is involving her in our negotiations about changing her last name (which I've been attempting via courts for the past 4 yrs), and encouraging the 'I love one parent more than the other' thoughts, and 'girls only' secrets, plus possibly creating attachment-anxiety by talking about 'mommy's mommy left the family&country and died'.
I've so far only told her that these are discussions between adults, and that mummy and I agreed that we would not talk to D7 about these.
QUESTION: Any thoughts on how to be a bit less doormat-ish about this?
Our relationship is otherwise very strong, and apart from some short-lived hostility from D7 after time with mom, and some sad questions from D7, we are doing great. But I'm worried this may be getting out of hand.
Perhaps some kids' fiction/movies in which a separated parent is behaving poorly to their kids? (there was a great MadMen episode on this). Getting involved with other 'amicably split' parents/kids so she can see other 'split-family' patterns?
Other creative ideas PLEASE??
Access is 2.5 overnights per week, plus StatHols/PD days that fall on my weekends, plus half holidays/summer (averages to exactly 40%).
Until 1 yr ago, mom was pretty good at keeping conflict away from our D, only minor blips (the worst one was an apparent self-pity attack causing D to break down in tears because she felt that she had to go back and look after mommy because she was all alone, and mommy just sits at home crying on the phone).
Mom used to come out on school field trips with D7 and me, and it was cordial - and D loved having both of us with her, but mom has decided she won't do that anymore. She gets more sympathy mileage out of telling everyone that she can't attend field trips because I do. It balances because she is involved in occasional in-class activities, which I cannot do because of school's French language barrier.
Recently D7 is getting hit hard, stuff like 'why didn't you tell me that you and mommy went to a judge to decide everything', and 'when you make a baby with someone you are supposed to get married and stay together', plus mom is involving her in our negotiations about changing her last name (which I've been attempting via courts for the past 4 yrs), and encouraging the 'I love one parent more than the other' thoughts, and 'girls only' secrets, plus possibly creating attachment-anxiety by talking about 'mommy's mommy left the family&country and died'.
I've so far only told her that these are discussions between adults, and that mummy and I agreed that we would not talk to D7 about these.
QUESTION: Any thoughts on how to be a bit less doormat-ish about this?
Our relationship is otherwise very strong, and apart from some short-lived hostility from D7 after time with mom, and some sad questions from D7, we are doing great. But I'm worried this may be getting out of hand.
Perhaps some kids' fiction/movies in which a separated parent is behaving poorly to their kids? (there was a great MadMen episode on this). Getting involved with other 'amicably split' parents/kids so she can see other 'split-family' patterns?
Other creative ideas PLEASE??
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