Any advice when the ex makes disparaging comments?

[dadthatshadenough]

Like most of you, there is probably some language in your separation agreement that deals with the other parent making disparaging comments about you to your kids.

My daughter is 4 now and has been parroting back comments to me that unacceptable.

I raised this with my ex, but in typical fashion she flatly denies that she has said anything negative to our daughter.

I've spoken to my lawyer and he said from his experience, little can be done about this and it’s just time that needs to heal her wounds. Its been 1.5 years, and she is still very much dealing with the hurt of me divorcing her

Speaking from experience, have any of you found ways of dealing with this, or is it something that just ends in due course.

[DowntroddenDad]

You have to address this with your child. Directly, without a lot of drama. If they are telling you something that is an opinion, you can chose to ignore it, which is in the most cases is the right thing to do. Or you can confront it.

If its a statement of fact - then you can address it head on.

I did have some success confronting my ex about claims that I gambled and that is why money was tight. It was totally untrue. I raised the issue of fact and attempted parental alienation and got an unreserved apology in front of the children.

[MiViLaLoco]

My ex and I separated 4 years ago when our child was 3 1/2. He is very high-conflict and I've dealt with negative comments right from the start.

All I've ever done is either ignore them, or respond that I love my child and that "Dad" is free to make his own opinions whatever they may be.

Our child is now 7 1/2 and still will make the odd comment about things Dad says about me. They are usually followed by another comment along the lines of "Dad is stupid". To this day my comment is either nothing, or if our child presses, that they are both free to form their own opinions.

Don't worry, children "know", despite what they are being told. As long as your access is regular, consistant, loving, and child focused it doesn't take long for them to "get the other parent's number" lol.

[Links17]

I make light of it, sure sweety everything is Daddy's fault - my kids got the message pretty quick

[stripes]

I think the key thing is to not get into the game of trash-talking the other parent or creating drama (or allowing the kid to create drama - some children are old enough to be interested in seeing what will happen if they play mom against dad). Some neutral phrases which may be useful, depending on age and maturity of child:

"Everybody is different, and different people have different opinions".

"I don't know why your dad said that - maybe he was just having a bad day".

"Your mom and I don't see things the same way".

"Your dad is telling you what he thinks, but there are lots of different ways to think about [issue x]".

"I don't think it's appropriate for me to say things against your mom. You need to think about this one for yourself".

"What do *you* think?"

"Your dad is saying things about me, but I'm not going to do the same back to him, because I don't think it helps the situation".

"I know it's confusing for you to hear stuff like that, but just remember that your mom and I both love you".

[stripes]

(I think there is approximately nothing that a lawyer can do about this. Kids' own experience of the parent is more powerful than anything they get told *about* the parent, so as long as you're loving, calm and stable, your kid will figure it out).

[hadenough]

Take the high road. All of the above is a good starting point. The ex isn't going to stop any time soon. You need to be the contrast.

It really is so wrong for a parent to do what your ex is doing. Kids definitely figure things out for themselves but of course its a shame when they have to filter through these other things. Totally not fair for a child. Your kid will see you for your actions and soon the "words" from the other side just won't reconcile with what the child knows to be "true."

Your ex will continue to deny that she's doing anything wrong. I recall your story, and gruelling in-home separation. She really put the gears to you.

[Moolight]

My experience is with older children but the same advice applies. The children spoke up once my ex was making comments to one his friends visiting over. S told me that he just could take it and just told both of them bluntly that he did not want hear anything of that sort. D took it differently as she different in nature, she always question everything so when she requested more info on the subject and he refused to answer which left her unsastified and desapointed.