Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Intro and weird situation my appologies for the length

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Intro and weird situation my appologies for the length

    Ok first post, have been lurking for a long time. A brief (long) background and then a question.

    We were married for 16 years, ex was a student for all of those years. Ex took many extra years to get his PhD in physics. Yes I married a student. His income was student loans, TA work, lab work and some teaching at University level and a part time job in a grocery store. Not all at once but over the years.

    I stayed home with our two daughters D1 18 and D2 16 for 10 years and ran a home daycare. We did ok financially but we were paying University tuition for 16 years, so yes it was tight. I took a one year admin course and got an admin job when the kids were older.


    We separated in September of 2010, it was pretty amicable and ex stayed in the basement for a year while we cleared up some of the debt, and ex got used to the idea of going our separate ways.

    When our oldest was 12 she was diagnosed with Asperger’s and we self-diagnosed the ex. There was no equity in the house, purchased house July 2010, and we decided that I would keep the house and the kids would live there, and ex would get an apartment, the mortgage and dead are still in both of our names and when the term is up we will transfer it all to me and he will get nothing. I have been paying mortgage and upkeep since Ex moved out, we split the bills when ex lived in the basement.

    We had no assets to speak of and the kids were 16 and 14 when ex moved out. Access was open, ex could see the kids whenever. The oldest ended up moving to ex’s apartment because it was a block from her high school (I would have done the same thing, rolls out of bed 20 mins before class). Ex comes over to the house at least once a week to do his laundry and visit with youngest, she also goes over to the apartment some. Kids have keys to both homes. Ex is also invited over for all holidays and birthdays and spends the night on Christmas eve. (Amicable, I treat ex like a favorite relative; the kids wanted it this way and we just make it work)

    Both kids have part time jobs now and ex and I both have to make plans to spend any time with them.

    Our incomes are almost equal, 42,000 ish. Ex pays me what ex calls support (ex came up with the amount and pays based on the two kids even though one lives with ex) Ex says that it is not child support or spousal support. Ex deposits this money into an account we still hold together (mortgage account). Ex started paying less when oldest turned 18 and school ended for the year, $588 down to $360. Ex comes up with the calculation himself?

    We did not split up our debt equally, (It was student debt for PhD) I had trouble swallowing that but we did use student loans to live on as a family. I took 12,000 of the debt and ex took 24,000. This is aprox.


    When ex is struggling financially, I tell ex not to pay me anything, ex insists on eventually paying. I also don’t believe there should any support because our incomes are so close, ex insists. Ex also splits with me the cost of the girl’s expenses. I guess you would call them section 7. Ex requires me to supply a list with the dates and from which of my accounts or credit card the item was purchased form, no receipts just the list? And then calculates how much ex has spent on D1 and then spits it evenly and pays me any that ex feels is owed.


    We do have a separation agreement, we created it ourselves, it is not signed. In it ex has written up his crazy support payment plan. Ex explains that this is topping me up now so I won’t go after ex when ex gets a good job and has money and it is covering ex’s behind? (Waited 16 years for that to happen not holding my breath) Ex is still covered on my work benefits and does take some expensive meds. My benefits will cut him off when we divorce. This is the only reason I have not filed. Ex doesn’t want any part of my pension (4 years of my pension) that ex is eligible to split and wrote that into the agreement.

    I feel this is an unusual separation situation, my question is: should I be concerned, I feel vulnerable?

  • #2
    So basically, you have two children, one lives with each of you, and you both have comparable incomes.

    Why is the ex paying you any support at all? Yes you are vulnerable.

    You have a house with no equity. Your ex is paying half the mortgage and insurance, and then is going to sign the entire thing over to you once it is paid off.

    Why is the ex giving you the house for nothing? Yes you are vulnerable.

    What should be happening is, you have split custody and comparable incomes, so there should be no support paid.

    You are living in a house that belongs 1/2 half to the ex. You should be paying him rent. Effectively, 1/2 market rent subtracted from the the mortgage, tax, and insurance on the house. The net amount is owed by you to him.

    You should be buying him out of the home. It is very unusual to have NO equity. Take a closer look. Then once you buy him out, you pay 100% of the costs of YOUR home.

    You are vulnerable but it seems your ex naive and you are able to take advantage of that.

    Comment


    • #3
      I can't see any possible way to make this situation better than it is now. Of course things will change - you find another man, your ex finds a woman, one of you fell chronically ill or die. If something happens, you two can start thinking how to adjust your relationship/finances to that particular situation. Completely useless to start writing a list of things which can happen in the future, because life is more creative than any of you. So just enjoy it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Well, hope for the best, of course, but plan for the worst.

        If/when he gets his degree and a better paying job, you would technically be entitled to ask for spousal support from him, as you supported him through all of that education, with the expectation that it would benefit you later on.

        If/when your incomes are no longer about the same, one of you will owe the other child support.

        Things may be amicable right now, but probably the single biggest thing that can screw that up is a new relationship for one of you. A new relationship is very likely to topple the delicate balance you have right now. If he got a new girlfriend, he may suddenly want to keep the money he'd previously been paying you. Or if you got a new relationship, he may suddenly get uncooperative out of jealousy.

        I would recommend doing up a separation agreement that lays things out in a fair, default way. Sign it, and then deviate from it all you like. At least it's there to fall back on if you need it.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.

          Comment


          • #6
            Completely agree with Rioe. If I had to bet, my guess is he might still be thinking there is a chance of getting back together. Hence, why he's giving you the money that he is. If and when you start to see someone else, that will likely all change...my ex even stopped paying child support when he discovered I was seeing someone. Your signed sa will be important.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
              Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
              As a co-owner of property he is entitled to 50% of the equity. He still owns half the house. He will claim the money he is giving you is his share of the mortgage.

              Eventually when the house has to be sold he gets half.

              If you don't want that to happen you need to buy him out now.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
                Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
                Whether or not you think he needs to give you money, the children deserve the financial support.

                And while concentrating on the kids for now is fine, at some point you would and should want to have a relationship again. And the kids need to see you in a healthy relationship.

                Get a separation agreement signed and witnessed. The actual divorce filing isn't needed unless you want to remarry.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
                  Thanks for the reply, yes I agree I need to get a separation agreement signed, I worry about the house, I have been fixing it up and it don't want him to come after me for any equity. I guess I am just worried that one day he will realize that he didn't need to give me any money and want it back. He will not be happy if I start dating, which makes me feel that I can't move on. I guess I should count my blessings, I read things on this forum that make my head spin. We both decided to put our the kids first and it is working well. I shouldn't make problems where there is none.
                  So you are going to exploit the fantasy that he has that you will get back together, and manipulate him into giving you his half of the house?

                  Peace out, man.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    So you are going to exploit the fantasy that he has that you will get back together, and manipulate him into giving you his half of the house?

                    Peace out, man.
                    lol, I always a good chuckle while I'm at work.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
                      When our oldest was 12 she was diagnosed with Asperger’s and we self-diagnosed the ex.
                      No one caught this titbit of nonsense? It is not possible to "self diagnose" anything. This is quite a wonky statement for anyone to be making. In fact, rather insulting. The diagnosis of autism on any spectrum is complex to say the least. To allege "we self-diagnosed the ex" is really an insult to the professionals, parents and patients whom are properly diagnosed with a autism spectrum disorder.

                      What other medical condition are you going to self-diagnose the other parent with?

                      Good Luck!
                      Tayken

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        What other medical condition are you going to self-diagnose the other parent with?
                        lol Tayken. I self-diagnose my ex all the time. He's got an acuse case of DBag Syndrome, Stage 5.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Taken, when our daughter was diagnosed the psychologist that diagnosed her ask me and the ex if he had been diagnosed yet as he was displaying a lot of behaviors as well. Ex never did go for an professional diagnoses. That's why I said self diagnoses, he did do a few online test which indicated Asperger's but perhaps he does not have Asperger's. He believes he does though.


                          Mess, that's why I am here, I don't want to take advantage and it feels that way. But what are the rules on the marital home. In our unsigned agreement I am taking over the house and he will gat nothing. We lived in the house 1 1/2 months before we split up. He did live in the basement for a year but there was no increase in equity in that time. I intend to give him back his half of the initial down payment but in reality after paying real-estate fees there would be little left over. He would be responsible for half of real estate and legal fees. What are your thoughts, and I know you will give me a reality check if I am in need

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Peace0ut47 View Post
                            Taken, when our daughter was diagnosed the psychologist that diagnosed her ask me and the ex if he had been diagnosed yet as he was displaying a lot of behaviors as well. Ex never did go for an professional diagnoses. That's why I said self diagnoses, he did do a few online test which indicated Asperger's but perhaps he does not have Asperger's. He believes he does though.
                            Internet test... YARG!

                            I truly hope you see why you can't "self-diagnose" a medical condition such as an autism spectrum disorder... With an on-line test...

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Taken, I agree, We went through a lot getting our daughter diagnoses and I appreciate all the help she has gotten form the many professionals we have seen. I guess the term self diagnosed is what is getting you. I should say ex possible has Asperger's and displays a lot of Asperger's tendencies. Or I could just self diagnose him as an brilliant a**hole with poor social skills I think possibly has Asperger's sound nicer.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X