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  • Emotional Abuse

    Does emotional abuse qualifies as domestic violence? My daugther is married with an individual that has been emotionally abusing her for the past 3 years; they have a boy 2 and half; every time she complins, he tells her to leave the cramped apartment they jive in and to leave the kid; he also says that he has no intent to ever leave the appartment. He does not work and she alone supports the household (I do not know how He pays the mortgage). He also does not give any space and keep her under his watch! She tried to get Canada Family Benefits for her son, but her husband would not provide his social insurance number for that purpose. What would be the proper procedure for her to get out of this; a formal separation agreement is of course out of rhe question for her husband. HELP!!!!!!

  • #2
    She could leave him and take the child with her.

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    • #3
      Emotionally Abused

      Yes, that was also my advice to her but apparently he got her to beleive that it could be used against her in a court of law and that would result in him having custody of the child!!!

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      • #4
        NO, as long as she files for custody right away and leaves him a note or a message that she has the child and he is safe.

        She should contact her local women's shelter or the assualted women's hotline for some proper advice. Emotional abuse is definitely abuse. I hope she can get herself and son out safely.

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        • #5
          I don't understand. Is the apartment(condo) owned or rented? You talk about the husband paying a mortgage.
          If he provides payments and has no income, is he involved in illegal activity?
          Is there the possibility of your daughter and her child coming home to live with you until things are resolved?
          There is no chance the father will get custody.

          FN

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          • #6
            Originally posted by FreeNow View Post
            There is no chance the father will get custody.
            Why do you say that?

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            • #7
              OK, highly unlikely that he would get sole custody.

              FN

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              • #8
                Originally posted by FreeNow View Post
                I don't understand. Is the apartment(condo) owned or rented? You talk about the husband paying a mortgage.
                If he provides payments and has no income, is he involved in illegal activity?
                Is there the possibility of your daughter and her child coming home to live with you until things are resolved?
                There is no chance the father will get custody.

                FN
                The condo is owned by both of them and out of the three years they have been together he worked only about five months. As to the money for the mortgage, I am not sure but I think that sometimes his father helps him financially. Because of his reluctance to provide his social insurance number, it occured also to me that may be some illegal activities. What to do?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Not giving an SIN wouldn't be any indication of "illegal activities" if you mean he's dealing drugs or something similar. Why would it be?

                  His name is on the mortage and deed. When the child was born the mother had to indicate the father's name on hospital records.

                  At most, he probably owes some back taxes and when he worked for 5 months it was likely under the table. This qualifies as "illegal" and I'm not defending such behaviour, but it's not something that puts the mother or the child at risk.

                  The daughter works, she must leave the house, and she has her own means of support. The father is seemingly then providing child care during the day. You don't indicate that the care has been poor or that the child has been in any danger.

                  On the outside at least, this is just reversal of gender roles. If this was your son, working and supporting the family, and his wife, staying home with the child and not wanting the husband to go out on his own nights, would you find this at all unusual, much less abusive?

                  Now, I'm not saying this is a great guy or that your daughter is happy. But you want bring up issues of abuse, and the situation you describe is just the same as 99% of working fathers/stay at home mums experience. This is the defense that your son-in-law will use if anything is brought up against him or if she tries to take the child away.

                  Unless you can show that the child has been mistreated or not properly cared for, he has as good a reason to ask for sole custody as any stay-at-home mother. Whether he gets it depends on whether the judge has gender prejudice or not, or whether you can show that he is being actively abusive, not just needy and emotionally dependant.

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                  • #10
                    Technically, he does not need to supply his SIN # to Mom. But he does need to file his taxes in order for the Child Tax Benefit to be paid.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by scared1 View Post
                      He sounds like my extob. Controllling.
                      This qualifes for mental cruelty. She can go and get an interim or temp order for custody and the house. Ask her to see duty council at or the family law information center at the courthoue.
                      OK, so far we have only heard one side of the story and that too through a non-party. It is very much possible that the poster's daughter is the abusive person instead. Of course, Worried Father would not see faults in his daughter and would naturally hate any man who is married to his little girl.

                      It is not illegal for a man to be a stay at home parent and it does not make him abusive or controlling. Perhaps the wife in question does not like him staying at home and she insults him constantly which leads to verbal abuse, most likely by both parties (if it even exists). There is always other side of the story so no one should be judging anyone without knowing the full facts.

                      Surprisingly, no one in the thread suggested any reconciliation attempts such as counselling, parenting education etc. Are we all here to break families?

                      What's wrong with wife paying the mortgage when the title is in both of their names? My ex never paid a dime towards the mortgage or any other expenses but she was still there on the title and the mortgage. Funny thing, she was not even a stay at home mother but I guess that was okay because she is a woman?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by scared1 View Post
                        He sounds like my extob. Controllling.
                        This qualifes for mental cruelty. She can go and get an interim or temp order for custody and the house. Ask her to see duty council at or the family law information center at the courthoue.
                        I'm going out on a limb here and saying that way too many times Moms play the controlling/abusive card when it either isn't true at all and/or it doesn't affect Dad's parenting.

                        It's a crying shame because it screws kids, Dads and women that are real victims. And it makes Mom a crappier parent.

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                        • #13
                          While that *may* be true Dadtotheend, your attitude diminishes those of us who were abused, have every reason to fear the ex.

                          It is completely unfair for ANYONE to claim abuse when it is not true, or to claim that there was a lot of it when it was little. The end of a relationship brings desperation, and people act differently when they realize their perception of life is walking out the door. I suspect most couples experience some sort of abuse near the end of the relationship.

                          It is when one person is overwhelmingly abusive that damages the other. It is the repeated assaults, put-downs, insults etc that wear you down, break your self-belief. This is not something you can understand unless it has happened to you. Please do not presume to judge people because they say they have been abused. You have no idea how deeply words can burn you.

                          If there is someone here who claims abuse for the advantages it brings in divorce, I ask you to think hard. You are taking credibility and help away from people who deserve it and desperately need it.. Shame.

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                          • #14
                            No its not my attitude that diminishes those of us that were abused, it's the behaviour of those who falsely allege abuse. The stress attendant with the end of a relationship may explain false allegations of abuse but it sure as hell doesn't excuse it.

                            I was emotionally and physically abused too, but I didn't need to play that card to get sole custody. Indeed it was falsely alleged (make that projected) by her that I did it. I know what it's like to be put down and blamed. I let the facts speak for themselves, and the facts were that I had a better parenting plan and am a more stable parent.

                            It is hugely naive to think that false allegations of abuse by Moms doesn't happen. Lawyers encourage it, and some people even falsely allege domestic abuse in order to have their spouses removed from the home and to establish a status quo that leads to sole custody.

                            It's common knowledge and a tried and true tactic that is used by unscrupulous and vindictive parents. Please don't come back and suggest that it's offensive to real domestic violence/emotional abuse victims. Blame the clowns who are making the false allegations. They are ones who are offensive to real victims.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                              I'm going out on a limb here and saying that way too many times Moms play the controlling/abusive card when it either isn't true at all and/or it doesn't affect Dad's parenting.
                              I was not arguing with you. Yes, it happens, People who are desperate (and unjust) will use anything to "win", regardless of the consequences to others. But I will argue that if abuse occurs, it DOES effect a person's parenting skills. Especially when you are forced to work co-operatively to parent children with someone who has tormented you. How can you act on what you believe is best when that person who used to control you is staring over your shoulder? How can you stop feeling the intimidation that you have felt for so long, just because you are not legally joined to that person anymore. I'm sorry, but being abused does affect parenting skill, it effects the abused person, and THAT needs to be considered.

                              However, your post, and the previous one, implied that this woman is claiming abuse when it may not be true. Actually, this woman is not part of this forum so she cannot defend her claims. It is someone who is concerned for her who is looking for answers. Regardless of whether there is abuse or not, this person is concerned and needs useful advice.

                              I am not naive. I know false allegations happen, but how do you know which ones are true and which ones aren't? I did blame those who make false accusations, I shamed them. but unless they acknowledge that they have lied how are we ever to know how many are really false? The assumption that anyone's claims are false IS offensive. It is EXACTLY this attitude that weakens legitimate claims of abuse.

                              Comment

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