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  • New to all this and need some advise pls!

    3 weeks ago while I was at work my wife moved out of our home with our 3 year old daughter. She sent a text to tell me this (She did this a year ago as well for 6 weeks lived with her sister) but this time is permanent. I do agree with the move as were not getting along for a year and a half.

    She behind my back last week changed schools for my daughter that is starting for the fist time this year. Her original school she was registered back in January walking distance from our house and was going to be picking her up after school to avoid PLASP (my employer agreed to change my hours to be able to do this). Now it is close to my wife's new place and she registered her to be picked up by me on Tuesday and Thursday and PLASP the other days but I am available???

    I have been trying to see my daughter however my wife is constantly making excuses. In the past 3 weeks I have seen my daughter 3 times. I feel like my daughter and I are drifting apart. All I get is a 2min call each night to say goodnight.

    There is no order, never stepped foot in court nothing it just like she has kidnapped her and now this is seriously affecting my heath. I have been patient with her but enough is enough.

    Any advise for this dad trying to do the right thing?

  • #2
    The exact same thing happened to me.

    Some lessons learned
    1. Lawyer up as soon as possible.
    a. Interview some lawyers, get a good feeling on them. It's a relationship and you have to feel that they understand what it is you are looking for.
    2. If you can't afford a lawyer, then you need to get into court asap and work out a temporary interim order.

    Basically, get in front of a judge. The longer you wait, you are then basically saying you have no problem giving mom primary custody.
    Last edited by FirstTimer; 09-07-2015, 05:41 PM.

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    • #3
      Exactly, you need to get in front of a judge asap. Like ASAP, if you oppose this will look extremely bad on your ex wife and make sure that if you want to be a father to your child you ask for shared residency.

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      • #4
        I agree with what everyone else has said, you need to file a motion ASAP every day that passes will strengthen her case and weaken yours!

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        • #5
          Some lessons learned
          1. Lawyer up as soon as possible.
          a. Interview some lawyers, get a good feeling on them. It's a relationship and you have to feel that they understand what it is you are looking for.
          2. If you can't afford a lawyer, then you need to get into court asap and work out a temporary interim order.

          Basically, get in front of a judge. The longer you wait, you are then basically saying you have no problem giving mom primary custody.
          Reasonable advice; delay is not your friend.

          Comment


          • #6
            Get a lawyer ASAP. If you can't afford one right away, borrow to start.

            Then read this: The List - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum

            Certain points on The List may or may not apply to your situation. And yes, there are certain points that are more akin to fearmongering that logic. But you need to understand worst case scenario and plan for it.

            You need to move all communication with your ex to email as much as possible. Text messaging is OK, but email is the way to go. If your ex calls, let it go to voicemail. If it is about the child, send her a reply via email. If it is your kid calling to say goodnight, call back.

            What are you looking for with regards to custody? Do you want 50/50, or the every-other-weekend-daddy-screwjob? If I were you, I'd argue for 50/50. I have a bit better schedule than EOW, but if I knew what I know now, I'd definitely have more time. Send your requests for parenting time to your ex via email. There should be no excuses as to why you can't spend time with your child. You are as capable as she is to parent. Activities with friends or whatever don't trump time with a parent. Should your ex say no to you, send a reply to schedule another time. It is in the child's best interests to have frequent and meaningful contact with both parents. And right now, your ex isn't acting in the child's best interests.

            Sit down with your lawyer and discuss what you want in relation to custody, the matrimonial home (do you own or rent?), equalization of assets. I would have your lawyer file a motion to have the child returned to the matrimonial home and that the school be in the same catchment of the matrimonial home. This will likely send the ex ballistic, as they will try to move home as well. Expect the ex to claim abuse (emotional or whatever). Your argument is the ex is trying to establish a new status quo without your consent.

            While the motion is waiting to be heard, you can send offers to settle to the ex so hopefully you won't end up at an actual hearing. The threat of the hearing is to keep both sides motivated to settle and, in the event you can't settle, you haven't wasted all that time and have to wait longer to get the matter in front of a judge.

            Your ex cannot prevent you from spending time with your daughter. You are legally able to walk into the school and take her out/pick her up. Without an order you have defacto joint custody. You need to show your ex that withholding the child is unacceptable, and if that means showing up at school to pick her up for the night, that is what you do. As, from what I kind of gather so far, your ex has your nuts in her purse.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by rookie View Post
              3 weeks ago while I was at work my wife moved out of our home with our 3 year old daughter. She sent a text to tell me this (She did this a year ago as well for 6 weeks lived with her sister) but this time is permanent. I do agree with the move as were not getting along for a year and a half.

              She behind my back last week changed schools for my daughter that is starting for the fist time this year. Her original school she was registered back in January walking distance from our house and was going to be picking her up after school
              School starts today, so did you not receive her class for JK months ago? Did you not get a teacher name and hand in all the registration in January? Did you attend the open house/orientation over the spring in May?

              If you have all this information then take your kid to the registered school and tell the school board she will be attending that school and register her back and tell your ex that you do not agree to the change TODAY since she made that decision without your consent.

              Get a lawyer and file an emergency motion to keep the school the same as pre-separation until a final decision is made.

              Get ready for war.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks for all the info. Hired a lawyer and the process will be started.

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                • #9
                  The ex just called and texted that until the legal is complete, she will not allow me to see my daughter...

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                  • #10
                    Then you take that information and file an emergency motion to have the child returned to their regular home with access to her given that she is and has said she intends to withhold access. You have documented proof of her intentions, get on it fast. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be to have the situation rectified.

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                    • #11
                      Suggest not worrying about the afterschool care. Focus on gaining a 50-50 schedule, in which each parent can arrange afterschool care as they like.

                      The Tuesday and Thursday sucks because it is so many handovers. Probably you want to aim for a schedule where you have Mon+Tues (i.e. after school Mon thru Weds morning) and she has Weds+Thurs (or vice-versa), and you alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. With all pickup/drop-offs at school.

                      Alternating weeks is also possible, but probably better for when your kid is older.

                      Don't wait to find a lawyer (that might take a while) to make a formal statement that you do not agree with her actions, and that you will be pursuing an equal parenting arrangement.

                      How long will it take you to get between the new school and your house? Is it really that big a problem?

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                      • #12
                        [QUOTE=dinkyface;199442]

                        Don't wait to find a lawyer (that might take a while) to make a formal statement that you do not agree with her actions, and that you will be pursuing an equal parenting arrangement.[QUOTE]

                        Via email to her?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by dinkyface View Post

                          How long will it take you to get between the new school and your house? Is it really that big a problem?
                          Not a problem at all.

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                          • #14
                            [QUOTE=rookie;199443][QUOTE=dinkyface;199442]

                            Don't wait to find a lawyer (that might take a while) to make a formal statement that you do not agree with her actions, and that you will be pursuing an equal parenting arrangement.

                            Via email to her?
                            Yes, via email, in a very courteous and business-like manner. Essentially tell her that you don't agree with her unilateral decision to withhold the child from you. That it is in the child's best interests to have frequent and meaningful contact with both of her parents. That you would like to work out an arrangement that will allow both of you to share in raising your mutual child, as you believe that is in the child's best interest. That should they not act reasonably and/or in good faith, that you will be forced to seek court involvement. That you don't want to go that route as you don't believe that it should be necessary so long as the ex is willing to negotiate a parenting arrangement that is mutually agreeable.

                            If the ex responds with anything to the effect of "no, you won't get to see your child until this is done", you have your lawyer file a motion requesting immediate parenting time. You use the email as evidence of the ex's intent, and go from there.

                            I assume this all came about because you two were talking and you told her you were getting a lawyer and taking her to court? If it is, next time keep your mouth shut. Don't open your hand to the ex, it just allows them to plan their next move a head of time. Also, if it was a phone call, I have a feeling it may have gotten heated. If it did, well, now you see why we say always email. Because email you can read before you hit send, sometimes our mouths don't have that function.

                            Also, in all emails to your ex, you be respectful. All emails should be written as if the judge is going to look at it, because they just might. There should be no hostile or accusatory language. Keep it kid centric and to the point.

                            Another comment is don't tell your ex about your life/plans. They don't care, and nothing good can come from it.

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                            • #15
                              You also want to go to the new school, introduce yourself to the teacher, go to the office, make sure you are listed as parent and that they have your contact info. Be friendly, go with the attitude that there is no problem, just a formality, that you are excited and eager for a positive start to your involvement in kid's schooling.
                              Depending on how it goes, you MIGHT want to indicate that there is a very recent split, and that at the moment there is no communication, so could they ensure that both of you are informed of school news/bulletins. They should have no problem with this.

                              Comment

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