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  • #31
    wouldn't shared give him more decision making power? shared custody means to me that half the time he can do whatever he wants regarding our kid. he would not care for my opinion because according to him I am so stupid.
    No that isn't what that means. Shared custody means that you and your ex would have both joint custody and more equal access to your child physically. It would require both him and you to consult each other on decisions.

    He could also have joint custody with less than 50% access which would mean that you also consult each other on decisions and have to come to a resolution before one is made.

    Understand that these issues revolve around school, religion, health, etc (major). Small decisions are generally handled by whichever parent has access at the time.

    I would agree that if you're having communication issues that shared or joint custody is a lot tougher. But I think what you should consider is more physical access for your ex. I think you're way too involved in playing gatekeeper and while you don't see it now...it will come back to bite you in the ass when your kid is older. Relax a bit and understand that your daughter's relationship with her father is her right and has nothing to do with you.

    By the way, I was also married to a man of arabic descent...I'm a different minority...and I actually didn't take your comments to be racist at all. There is definitely a significant culture difference in the way that "some" men of arabic descent view women...but more particularly view marital relationships. Racism would suggest that these traits are biological...they aren't. They're cultural...meaning that its the environment that one is raised in that helps determine one's social norms. And having been through it myself...its extremely relevant when you're in a marital relationship with someone with those types of views.

    However, that being said....so what? Your daughter should have the benefit of being exposed to a variety of differing mindsets, beliefs and viewpoints. It will give her a framework by which to decide who and how she wants to be.

    I can take care of the rest.
    I have no doubt that you "can" take care of the rest...but should you. Again, you aren't the gatekeeper of the relationship your child has with her own father and you truly need to re-examine your stance here. While it might seem to you that you're doing the right thing...your daughter would probably greatly benefit with more equal time with her father.

    and don't forget we are living more than 20 km apart...him in halton...I live in peel...her school is in peel and I don't drive.
    So learn to drive. Your a grown woman with a child and it seems like a necessary life skill. Are you suggesting that he's refusing to come and pick up the child?

    I already gave him a waiver on 2 years of child support payments and spousal support he never has to pay even though he makes more than triple I do.
    I would agree that he needs to make his CS obligation. I also think that you could at least work a 40-hour work week even if you have to do something else outside of the workout training you do. I think showing children the value of a strong work ethic is important.

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post

      So learn to drive. Your a grown woman with a child and it seems like a necessary life skill. Are you suggesting that he's refusing to come and pick up the child?
      I would agree that he needs to make his CS obligation. I also think that you could at least work a 40-hour work week even if you have to do something else outside of the workout training you do. I think showing children the value of a strong work ethic is important.
      Pursuinghappiness gave you excellent advice. I decided to learn to drive when I was 30, before we adopted our first child. Without anyone telling me, I knew that needed to do this...it was a great necessity. I really don't know how could have survived without driving, especially since the husband was seldom available (out of town a lot).

      I agree...you are young and obviously in great physical shape. You need to work those 40 hours a week. It's for your kid.

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        wouldn't shared give him more decision making power?
        No, it would give the other parent the opportunity to equally contribute to the decision making process and require his consent for any *major decisions*.

        Custody ("joint") boils down to:

        Full Joint Custody
        Joint Custody in the model of parallel parenting

        Full Joint Custody with all disputes where parents cannot agree mutually to a major decision to go to arbitration is a model of parallel parenting in my personal opinion.

        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        shared custody means to me that half the time he can do whatever he wants regarding our kid.
        Even if you have "sole custody" the other parent can make all the day-to-day decisions on discipline, emergency medical needs, etc... Only in EXTREME cases, would a parent not have the ability to take a child to an emergency medical encounter. It would be detrimental to the child's best interests to "control" someone at this granular of a level.

        Has anyone ever suggested that you, yourself are "controlling"?


        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        he would not care for my opinion because according to him I am so stupid.
        Care for it or not, no medical professional, school or other organization/professional in the child in questions life will all require your consent.

        Let him play the wheel of fish if he wants... But, when he picks the box it will be empty and it will be him who looks "stupid".

        (Whenever someone calls someone "stupid" I always envision this scene from Weird Al's "UHF"... see link.) Calling someone "stupid" is actually "stupid" to do. Who cares if he calls you stupid?

        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        and don't forget we are living more than 20 km apart...him in halton...I live in peel...her school is in peel and I don't drive.
        He technically should move closer to the school and into the Peel Region. He isn't even residing in the court jurisdiction. I know the justices in Peel do NOT like when a parent is NOT living in their court district.

        It makes his case for joint custody and equal access (50-50) a tougher sell.

        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        it wouldn't work and joint barely works. I want joint custody with final say.
        Which is "sole custody" by the way. I wouldn't recommend it if you and/or the other parent are "high conflict". The reason being, is if the other parent provides you a good position, you disregard it and do the opposite they have a method of seeking a "material change in circumstance" and dragging you into court.

        Your matter screams out for:

        Full joint custody in the model of parallel parenting where any dispute on a custodial issue is determined by an arbitrator.

        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        if that reels control so be it but I encourage weekly visitation to her dad because I respect the love she has for him and I never want her to feel abandoned.
        It does reek of "control". Also, the word "visitation" is dated. I highly recommend you consider "residence" / "reside with" in the alternative. The only time a child goes to "visit" their parent is:

        (a) When the parent is in the hospital.
        (b) When the parent is in jail.
        (c) When the child is an adult and has moved out of the house.

        Otherwise... they are "residing" with their parent. Even if it is "every other weekend".

        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        I can take care of the rest. it's been like this from the beginning and I don't want that to change. when he's angry he threatens to move out of the country...I don't want that and mainly because of abandonment not because of child support money.
        Who cares what he threatens. Really? If he moves that is his choice and nothing you caused him to do. It only demonstrates him in the WORST possible light if he acted on it.

        Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
        I already gave him a waiver on 2 years of child support payments and spousal support he never has to pay even though he makes more than triple I do. when I get the opportunity I do plan to pick up more hours in the gym
        You can't "give" him a waver on CS. It is the right of the child. A justice can throw that "waiver" out the window and order it still. Do not "wave" your child's rights...

        Good Luck!
        Tayken

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        • #34
          I love,you guys! this constructive criticism is really enlightening! and thx persuinghappiness and tayken(what,took you so long! ur awesome)!.

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          • #35
            he's not even entertaining the idea of physical joint custody. he is just focused on being so pissed off that he's paying the guideline Cs amount of 600 and a hundred bucks more for daycare because he doesn't believe a child needs that much. he says 300 tops. instead of biting myself in the Ass by negotiating to that amount IM proposing to put half into an resp for our kid. he has not indicated that this will make him feel more at ease.

            I don't know why but I am not at all offended by the term gatekeeper or being labeled as controlling by nature. I just care about the end result of my Lil munchkin is being a successful, confident, happy student who has the capacity to reach her lives goals..I don't know if being a cancerian has anything to do with that
            Last edited by wannabehappy1978; 06-21-2013, 01:08 PM. Reason: stupid phone

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
              ...he is just focused on being so pissed off that he's paying the guideline Cs amount of 600 and a hundred bucks more for daycare because he doesn't believe a child needs that much. he says 300 tops...
              Weeding through the rest of this particular post, these are the two things that stand out as actually relevant.

              - If he's paying guideline Child Support based off his salary, then kudos to him. It's not hard to figure out what he should be paying. If he's not paying the correct amount, it's very easy to get that fixed.

              - Depending on your "daycare" arrangement, $100 could be good, it might be low. Depending on if you're using a private, at home babysitter type of daycare, or a fully licensed daycare centre. His figure "$300 tops", could make sense, as "his share" of a likely $600 daycare a month figure? Again, it depends on what arrangement for daycare you have. This is also another issue, that should be a relatively easy issue to fix, if you ignore the arguing. Receipts are a good start.

              Comment


              • #37
                he's not even entertaining the idea of physical joint custody. he is just focused on being so pissed off that he's paying the guideline Cs amount of 600 and a hundred bucks more for daycare because he doesn't believe a child needs that much. he says 300 tops. instead of buying myself in the Ass by negotiating to that amount IM proposing to put half into an resp for our kid. he has not indicated that this will make him feel more at ease.
                Well, CS is his obligation so what he says is irrelevant. Just ignore it. I wouldn't bother to make agreements with him on where you think the money should go. Its none of his business. If you can manage her care on half and think the right thing to do is put half into an RESP...sounds like a good plan.

                I don't know why but I am not at all offended by the term gatekeeper or being labeled asmin controlling by nature. I just care about the end result of my Lil
                By suggesting that you were acting as a gatekeeper, my goal was certainly not to insult you. I know there's been many times during my own divorce and custody struggles that I've had to re-assess my position and really do an internal double check thinking not about myself but about my children's long term best interest. Sometimes I decided I was doing the right thing...and sometimes I decided I could do better.

                When I got stuck, there were many times I came onto the forum and got good suggestions or things to think about.

                Most of the people speaking on here are parents and try really hard to act in the best interest of their and other children. When they say something to you, their motives are out of that interest. (There are definitely a few trolls who will just try to insult or belittle you but those are rare and that's definitely not what I was trying to do).

                Obviously, in the end, you have to decide what the right thing to do is. Good luck!

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                • #38
                  omg! the video was hilarious!!!!! wheel of fish

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
                    Weeding through the rest of this particular post, these are the two things that stand out as actually relevant.

                    - If he's paying guideline Child Support based off his salary, then kudos to him. It's not hard to figure out what he should be paying. If he's not paying the correct amount, it's very easy to get that fixed.

                    - Depending on your "daycare" arrangement, $100 could be good, it might be low. Depending on if you're using a private, at home babysitter type of daycare, or a fully licensed daycare centre. His figure "$300 tops", could make sense, as "his share" of a likely $600 daycare a month figure? Again, it depends on what arrangement for daycare you have. This is also another issue, that should be a relatively easy issue to fix, if you ignore the arguing. Receipts are a good start.
                    but Cs guideline excluded daycare costs. daycare is an s7 expense. it's just a lady I've used for the past 5 years. they bonded well. total cost is 217 a month

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by wannabehappy1978 View Post
                      but Cs guideline excluded daycare costs. daycare is an s7 expense. it's just a lady I've used for the past 5 years. they bonded well. total cost is 217 a month
                      So, your ex is paying what he should?
                      Guideline child support amount, plus the $100 extra per month, for his share of the daycare?

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        the lawyer that drew up my separation agreement also did the.child support document which waives my ex of any payments for child support due prior to 2013. I signed that document and my lawyer did and I gave him an original. can a judge really dismiss it if he wanted to???

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                        • #42
                          Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
                          So, your ex is paying what he should?
                          Guideline child support amount, plus the $100 extra per month, for his share of the daycare?
                          yes, that is correct. since,January of this year after he signed our separation agreement and gave him a child support waiver document my lawyer drew up

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                          • #43
                            I'm very concerned that YOUR lawyer encouraged you to and even drew up the papers to waive child support.

                            CS is the right of the child and can't be waived or negotiated away.

                            :-/

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                              I'm very concerned that YOUR lawyer encouraged you to and even drew up the papers to waive child support.

                              CS is the right of the child and can't be waived or negotiated away.

                              :-/
                              the ex asked for the waiver for back.child support in order to sign the separation agreement I paid for.

                              Comment

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