the lawyer retainer contract - should it have more to it??

[ddol1]

sorry May_May one of the things you had asked re my situation was legal aid. What they said was since i do own a home and I do have an rrsp that I am not elligable for it - if they did come in they would put a lien on the home (at your expense) and the fees would all be returned.

I did mediation - as i learned too early but I know the time would not make a difference. For our division we had started out with the who cares about the stuff - split it fair, value not important just let us both set up a new home for each of us. But where things broke down 1000% is the equalization payment - the exclusions that are detailed in the family law act.....she wants nothing to do with it, then I am told that the statements are clear for what she did all on her own accord while I was not in the position to prevent what went on. Again the family law act has provisions for these things as well - falls under the fudiciary responsability a spouse has to the other, even more so when the other is incapacitated to any degree there is the duty to not take risks, to protect the family assets and not go crazy and start gambling it all away.

The only way a mediator or even an arbitrator would work is if they were very versed in the rules for the above - and the disability/injury settlement issues. The mediator we had he did not have the knowledge to mediate our file but we were there so he had hoped to at least get us talking our sides out - she screamed for 5 mintes solid and walked out screaming. Again he had never seen this from any spouse before. She has the right to do it her way but it does not envolve, in her mind, taking........ no I won't go there - I do not know what is really in her mind.........

[zenna70]

ddol1,
I totally understand when you say "dealing with an ex who went nuts"...mine did too. I took a big hit in my divorce and accepted a lower equalization and gave up a few other things...I was tired of the fight and just want to move on with my life. Do I regret not fighting...absolutely.
My battle begins again because he wont conset to oh... just about anything under the bloody sun when it comes to the kids. From vaccines to braces to church (which he doesn't even attend).
Am I going to fork out some more money...YES...I gues what I didn't spend the first time around, I will be paying out eventually...shouldv, wouldv, couldv....
Good luck.............to all of us who battle these demons everyday.

[ddol1]

The crazy ex - what follows is a matter of "getting her out of my head". Crazy ex - what I state here is only the tip of the iceburg in that these were just some of the things she did to justify her position against all the things she did "of her own accord".

It doesn't even touch The Mediator after he elected to split the fee to $20 an hour for the ex and a gratuitous $5 an hour fee for me. So expense was not an issue. An ex who then and now still thinks equalization is my delusional fantasy and the concept of financial disclosure is nothing more than an invasion in her privacy to which she will NOT participate.

My old story is my ex who is intelligent, says she reads and doesn't understand but can read deep novels in two days. She wants her divorce and she doesn't want to "face this", and for the first time in over 25 years, I won't do it for her. The real end started a long time ago but my taking my doctor's "Stop or Die" advice/warning was the first time I did not put her first. To a much lesser extent the kids as well - they are adults themselves and are able to take careShe really wanted to split the cash and walk away and as she learned it wasn't going to be, she slowly but steadily at first then as things "didn't work" she increased exponentially her efforts to unnerve me, as I have said in the past - hurt.......

A CRAZY Exxx ??
I know I have and cause enough problems on my own. I certainly do not need any help but after 25 years she knows how to push my buttons and what it takes to get me upset and then her goal to remove every bit of financial support possible (the fact that this has been the case since 2003, my last day worked "seperated couples do not have to provide financial support" and under those terms she wanted me out of the house. It started with not cooking meals, then not buying food, then very specifically only buying food which she knew I did not eat but at the same time the kids who I admit were able - they complained to me about the conditions and then they went to their friends to eat....... Didn't bother her one bit as she went about her life.....

The above is fine - in a way the same things posters here said was all fun and war in seperation. But perhaps what was not was her systematic attack on my person that my "nerves" were beyond shot. It elevated to the point that I did feel like I didn't know when or where it would come but I was constantly on edge, constantly plannning my movements and even that of my kids. Why? becasue if I sat quietly with my daughter as she watched tv I was "safe". That was until perhaps I closed my eyes..... my daughter would get up to do her thing and the ex would move in for the attack! I seriously felt like I was a mouse living in a cathouse (I like that anology because if the mouse was smart enough "he could survive").

So I did this because I did not have a friend to sleep at, including all my rrsps I calculated that with no support I would make it to the two year mark....... maybe. Add to this her constant threats to cut the benefits, insurance, paying bills, even the dog was not safe from her, I still kept my cool, I just walked away - never engage. Email - I gave that up a long time ago. I did not have a chance when it came to my health, my constant up and down as a result of the pain that I live with. I do not use the latter as an excuse or even "ham it up" as it serves no purpose but it did leave me at risk and it was one of those times "she swooped in for the final kill" and I was off to the police station.

She denies everything, she believes everything to be "her right" as today she supports me - the first 15 plus years I supported her. I do know what I need out of this settlement - it is something she will not do willingly even if it all falls within the scope of the rules to which we all are working to. thanks for the ear! off to do dreaded paperwork (sigh) but at least I am feeling better now than I have for the past week - must take advantage.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Again, no mention of concern for children at all.

Constantly obsession over your ex who has done everything to you. Nothing is your fault or your responsibility. Everything is her...she's done it all to you.

The only other thing you mention is this constant obsession over your health...which while understandably difficult really has nothing to do with your procrastination over progressing your divorce.

I will say this again, it doesn't take 6-7 months to complete a financial evaluation.

I feel sorry for your children stbx...she's never going to be free at the speed its going.

Tragic.

[ddol1]

I have been waiting for the offer - if you really would like to help it just maybe the bit that would help me get the last of this web entangled. Oh and someone did offer - and i was happy to learn a bit on how to make a project to which was overwhelming into - whatever it helped a ton so i continue doing it her way.......

OBW - had a good time with my daughters this weekend.... oh and she had achance to bring my dog over for the day yesterday......admit not much got done - although what i did do was the hardest to get straight of all what needed to get done (hate to admit how many screwups along the way but after all this I just continue the best i can - Lawyer was impressed with what i gave him so far and it matches the "court system now - that was a real huge problem if you were at all concerned....... maybe i will not need your help afterall....

Nothing was working for the last four hours so i broke down and took the "happy meds" so it has begun to work. not sure how long my window is so I will be on my way to get something ackomplished. Not much was happening here so........

have a great evening!

and thanks for caring so much!
Best of Luck on your end.
dd

[standing on the sidelines]

you are doing good. Its been a hard journey for you, more so then most due to the way your health problems affect your memory, but you are getting closer.

[standing on the sidelines]

Again, no mention of concern for children at all.

Constantly obsession over your ex who has done everything to you. Nothing is your fault or your responsibility. Everything is her...she's done it all to you.

The only other thing you mention is this constant obsession over your health...which while understandably difficult really has nothing to do with your procrastination over progressing your divorce.

I will say this again, it doesn't take 6-7 months to complete a financial evaluation.

I feel sorry for your children stbx...she's never going to be free at the speed its going.

Tragic.

Geesh so everytime someone doesnt write they are concerned for there kids prove that they have no feeling for their kids??

As for the obsession over his health, if I was going through the type of shit he is health wise iwould be constantly worried about it also. If you would read some of his responses, the issues affect his memory and ability to concentrate. Plus his financials are not so cut and dried like many are.

I feel sorry for his kids also going through the decline in health of their father and the divorce. Feel sorry for the stbx??? After what he has said he has went through at her hands and continues to go through she is a monster. It would be over sooner if she would be reasonable. He supported the family for numerous years and now when he cant and needs some help himself she wants to chuck him to the curb and keep everything.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Standing;

No doubt we'd all like more reasonable ex's...however, there is always two-sides to every story. And frankly, given what I've been reading from this guy...I'll bet hers is considerably different.

That being said. Its hard for me to sympathize for anyone who continuously puts themselves (and their dvd player) before their children in a divorce situation. I don't understand it at all...never will.

I'm a firm believer in figuring out your own culpability in the end of a relationship for your own mistakes (especially when you keep continuing them during divorce) and not just blaming everything that happens on the other person ad nauseum. I seriously cannot imagine the mentality taht it takes to blame every single thing that's happened to you on some other person. Its a total cop-out. There's a huge difference between a victim and a participant. The kids are the only victims here.

[standing on the sidelines]

Standing;

No doubt we'd all like more reasonable ex's...however, there is always two-sides to every story. And frankly, given what I've been reading from this guy...I'll bet hers is considerably different.

That being said. Its hard for me to sympathize for anyone who continuously puts themselves (and their dvd player) before their children in a divorce situation. I don't understand it at all...never will.

I'm a firm believer in figuring out your own culpability in the end of a relationship for your own mistakes (especially when you keep continuing them during divorce) and not just blaming everything that happens on the other person ad nauseum. I seriously cannot imagine the mentality taht it takes to blame every single thing that's happened to you on some other person. Its a total cop-out. There's a huge difference between a victim and a participant. The kids are the only victims here.

very true, the kids are the victims.

My dad always told me there was three sides to every story, first persons side, the other persons side and then the truth.

[sahibjee]

I just received information from my lawyer for tax pruposes. I can deduct all amounts pertaining to support re legal fees for 2011. The amount is $38,158.89, which really is a good thing compared to 2010 -$50,643.62, and accounting fees 2011- 57,371.97 , 2010-21,836.07.
That is what happens when one lies and tries to hide the truth.....Just a horrible system that gives permission for this kind of waste.
Mediation-Arb is coming soon----stay away from the courts if you can.

so only amounts pertaining to support can be deducted? do you have to be at the giving or receiving end of support, and is it SS or CS or both? to be eligible?

[May_May]

The question was about the lawyers retainer fee...not about the children. Pursuing your advice is usually excellent and I look for your name/responses because I enjoy reading them...but when ddol posts your response is very harsh. Just skip past his posts and don't respond. Depression and physical pain go hand in hand and I'm sure additional stress might not be needed in his situation...

Just sayin

I agree that the children are the victim...in every one of our situations no matter how 'healthily' we think we have separated/divorced. So few of our children, and their friends will ever have an opportunity to go to a 25th or 50th wedding anniversary, and who knows if they would ever venture down the 'marriage' path.

How is the new place ? You moved in the beginning of the year right-so 2 months now ? I hope you enjoy every second of it...I know I look forward to the 'calm' environment and peace...Take care...

[Pursuinghappiness]

Hi May-May:

The question was about the lawyers retainer fee...

I agree it was. And I can guarantee you that if you take 6-7 months to fill out one very simple financial form...no one can tell you what your lawyer bill is going to be. If you also take zero responsibility for your own actions and have a high conflict divorce...your bill will be extremely high. I know people who've had relatively mild divorces that haven't gotten an eviction order or blamed everything on their ex-spouse and spent 60-70k and more.

As for the rest, you are very right. I will make a concerted effort to ignore further posts from this person as I have an issue with the self-absorbed victim mentality. I find it very weak and annoying. Forgive me for lowering myself to bother with this person....its truly not worth it.

Anyway, I did move thank you so much. Its the most amazing feeling after being trapped for almost 2 years. I'm enjoying the little projects around the house and when I come home now...the house is clean and organized...its sooooo awesome. I've been sleeping like a rock. I still have a lot of relocating and divorce challenges to get through but its a lot easier not having the stressful living environment. Thank you so very much for the well wishes.

Best wishes to you and your family. And thanks for the good advice. I'll definitely take it.

[May_May]

Pursuing.. Enjoy every second of it. You had to deal with an awful lot to get to this point ! Stay happy...