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Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

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  • Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

    Virginia Gilbert, MFT: What Therapists Don't Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

    ''While your gut reaction might be to defend yourself, you cannot reason with a terrorist. Anything you say can and will be used against you. To mitigate the chaos caused by a high-conflict personality, you must keep communication to a minimum."

    It's only natural to want to settle things asap for the sake of our children and our own wellness - with the overwhelming need to 'fix' whatever hiders that goal. When that 'whatever' just happens to be our HC ex spouse - less is definitely better!

  • #2
    Another "must read" is Splitting, by Bill Eddy.


    http://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Prote.../dp/1608820254


    This book can be very helpful at identifying and preparing for the high conflict attacks brought on by divorcing a HCP. It can also be useful to help those who are moderately self-aware, to watch for their own actions and responses, that may be considered HC, or further instigate the HCP other party.

    Bill Eddy has a few other books that, IMO, are must reads as well, if you are in a HC situation.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Janibel View Post
      Virginia Gilbert, MFT: What Therapists Don't Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

      ''While your gut reaction might be to defend yourself, you cannot reason with a terrorist. Anything you say can and will be used against you. To mitigate the chaos caused by a high-conflict personality, you must keep communication to a minimum."

      It's only natural to want to settle things asap for the sake of our children and our own wellness - with the overwhelming need to 'fix' whatever hiders that goal. When that 'whatever' just happens to be our HC ex spouse - less is definitely better!
      I found the part about not co-parenting extremely interesting. This was my reason for wanting sole custody all those years ago. This isn't the preference in family law though, is it? The preference is to force the already victimized ex of a HCP to be further victimized through forced "co-parenting".

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      • #4
        family court focus primary on the child/ren irrelevant of what one party wants. There is a reason the "Maximum contact" rule exists...at the end of the day, a child should not be denied access to both parents, just because one party thinks they know best.

        "Best Interest of the child"
        Last edited by FWB; 01-25-2014, 03:07 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by FWB View Post
          family court focus primary on the child/ren irrelevant of what one party wants. There is a reason the "Maximum contact" rule exists...at the end of the day, a child should not be denied access to both parents, just because one party thinks they know best.

          "Whose Best Interest"
          Sole custody isn't about denying access. I think you need to re-read some of your materials.

          Sole custody is about keeping the need to communicate between the two adult parties to a complete minimum. Why? Because HCP do whatever it takes to be HCP - including ignoring basic parenting responsibilities like consenting to travel and submitting medical receipts to insurers.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by MS Mom View Post
            Sole custody isn't about denying access. I think you need to re-read some of your materials.

            Sole custody is about keeping the need to communicate between the two adult parties to a complete minimum. Why? Because HCP do whatever it takes to be HCP - including ignoring basic parenting responsibilities like consenting to travel and submitting medical receipts to insurers.
            Perhaps you ought to be clear in your posts? I know what Sole custody, but based on what you said here....
            I found the part about not co-parenting extremely interesting. This was my reason for wanting sole custody all those years ago.
            You pretty much make it sound like you want to make all the decisions? If this is not the case....then clarify please.

            Because HCP do whatever it takes to be HCP
            It's easy for anyone to label the other party "HCP", one person's HCP, is another person's normal. Just saying, not making arguments

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            • #7
              Originally posted by FWB View Post
              Perhaps you ought to be clear in your posts? I know what Sole custody, but based on what you said here....


              You pretty much make it sound like you want to make all the decisions? If this is not the case....then clarify please.



              It's easy for anyone to label the other party "HCP", one person's HCP, is another person's normal. Just saying, not making arguments
              I have to make all the decisions since he pissed off to another country and hasn't seen his kid in two years. So, what's your point?

              It's very easy to label someone HCP when they behave in a highly conflicted manner. Like making senseless arguments with people on public forums to increase their own sense of worth.

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              • #8
                Here we go.....not what you wanted to hence, so we are now throwing toys out of the pram.

                It was just my opinion, and I didn't insult in my post

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by FWB View Post
                  Here we go.....not what you wanted to hence, so we are now throwing toys out of the pram.

                  It was just my opinion, and I didn't insult in my post
                  Listen. Do me one big huge massive favour. Ignore me. Put me on IGNORE and I'll do the same.

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                  • #10
                    ^^My first response was not even directed at you, but somehow you took the liberty of taking it upon yourself

                    Note: The starting a sentence saying "Listen", comes across as controlling, it's akin to wagging a finger at someone. Just saying

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by FWB View Post
                      ^^My first response was not even directed at you, but somehow you took the liberty of taking it upon yourself

                      Note: The starting a sentence saying "Listen", comes across as controlling, it's akin to wagging a finger at someone. Just saying
                      And what about starting a sentence with "Here we go.."?

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                      • #12
                        This is at least the fourth thread in the last couple of days that's been derailed by FWB and others bickering about who is being rude to whom. I'm quite happy to ignore this, but I can imagine how off-putting it might be to newcomers to this forum who may think they've wandered into grade school at recess. FWB, is it possible for you to take a vacation for a couple of days? Not go away forever - just back off for a bit to let all the relevant parties calm down.

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                        • #13
                          Thanks stripes for your post but I want to point something out: FWB isn't acting solo. Everyone responding in an equally antagonistic and aggressive way is fueling the fire. I believe everyone needs to take accountability for their actions.

                          This is really no different than the emails from the ex that everyone recommends to ignore. If we all ignored these types of posts they will stop.

                          I will add that I actually think FWB has many meaningful things in his posts although they are so raw and to the point that it gets to people.... Rise above it all if anyone thinks they are better than that (him). But as my mother would say: two wrongs don't make a right.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Serene View Post
                            Thanks stripes for your post but I want to point something out: FWB isn't acting solo. Everyone responding in an equally antagonistic and aggressive way is fueling the fire. I believe everyone needs to take accountability for their actions.

                            This is really no different than the emails from the ex that everyone recommends to ignore. If we all ignored these types of posts they will stop.

                            I will add that I actually think FWB has many meaningful things in his posts although they are so raw and to the point that it gets to people.... Rise above it all if anyone thinks they are better than that (him). But as my mother would say: two wrongs don't make a right.
                            Serene -

                            FWB may add meaningful conversation, however, he's shown that it isn't actually "his" meaningful conversation.

                            And, yes, it requires more than one to make the battle thrive, it only takes one to throw the first spear to start that battle. Let's not blame the bully's victims for not allowing themselves to be bullied.

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                            • #15
                              Why am I put in mind of this?

                              The Lurkers Support Me In Email » Jo Walton

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