Originally posted by billm
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Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View PostEither way, I thoroughly agree with the earlier poster who recommended that you leave your daughter out of your divorce issues...particularly ones involving CS.
Real children should be kept out of financial matters of course, but to pretend that an adult is a child who is not aware of the financial implications of their decisions is ludicrous.
Be a good mother and a decent person and don't engage in that type of nonsense.
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I don't think that applies to adult "children" causing support money to move from one parent to another. They are involved, and they have the power to stop that nonsense.
Real children should be kept out of financial matters of course, but to pretend that an adult is a child who is not aware of the financial implications of their decisions is ludicrous.
The child should not have to decide where to live based on where the CS might go. CS is an obligation of whatever parent owes it based on the access arrangement...period. While an adult child may be "aware" of financial issues...they shouldn't be asked to choose one parent over another because of it. That's ridiculous.
This child, should make her decision on where to live based on what makes sense to her...her education, her relationship with her parents, etc. It is NEVER ok to drag children into divorce issues...ever....I don't care what age the kid is.
The kid didn't get divorced...the parents did...leave her out of it.
By the way, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the father has a totally different take on who is "money-focused" in this ex relationship.
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Manipulated by both daughter and her father: decision is to let my girl stand by her decision to live with her father full time... that way she's not in the middle and there will be no more manipulating or game playing at all. Better she learns now that I won't tolerate either of their bs. And no she will not be at my house making a mess and going out to party then leaving the mess to me.
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Better she learns now that I won't tolerate either of their bs. And no she will not be at my house making a mess and going out to party then leaving the mess to me.
I'm sorry that you feel that your daughter is manipulating you...however, CS is CS. If she lived with you, you'd be requesting support...just like he is. It doesn't sound like its a long period of time anyway. My suggestion is to pay the CS while she's with him and get your SS order enforced through FRO...including arrears.
I hope that you aren't mad at your daughter because she isn't taking sides in your divorce. What often happens when one person tries to badmouth the other...is that it often backfires on the one who's doing badmouthing, particularly when the child gets to a certain age. It often works with younger children and tends to backfire with older ones.
My advice as the mother of an older child is to enjoy her. Stop asking her to take sides and stop resenting her for not doing so. Its great that she loves her dad, that they have a relationship and that he's willing to let her live with him. As you stated, older children and their lifestyles can be a challenge anyway. Bitterness will eat you alive if you let it...don't pass that legacy on to your child.
Love your kid more than you hate your ex.
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I do love her but honestly feel the both are being manipulative. In her own words she made a deal with her dad to live with him because she can have the car. She did not tell me about the arrangement until a week after coming home from school. She conveniently wants to stay at my home on the weekends to party and be able to have somewhere to cab to and sleep. I am angry and hurt. I want her to learn that I will not be involved in his manipulation of her or me. She will be welcome to come and visit. No back and forth no badmouthing of me to her, from dad. Better for everyone.
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I do love her but honestly feel the both are being manipulative. In her own words she made a deal with her dad to live with him because she can have the car. She did not tell me about the arrangement until a week after coming home from school. She conveniently wants to stay at my home on the weekends to party and be able to have somewhere to cab to and sleep. I am angry and hurt. I want her to learn that I will not be involved in his manipulation of her or me. She will be welcome to come and visit. No back and forth no badmouthing of me to her, from dad. Better for everyone.
My 20 something year old often does her grocery and clothes shopping by coming to my house with a bag and emptying out my closet and fridge.
In fact, everyone I know with kids this age struggles with them sometimes taking advantage of their parents...its unfortunately pretty normal.
Its perfectly ok to let her know what your boundaries are but I don't think she's trying to hurt you intentionally. She's just doing what kids this age do. In time, she'll get more mature, more self-aware and more gracious and thank you for all the things you and her dad have done for her.
I know its exasperating sometimes and funny enough, I told my daughter in front of my mom once what a great 20 something year old I was and how responsible I was and would never do this or that....and my mom rolled her eyes and proceeded to tell 2 hours worth of stories of the crap I did. (ie, taking her car and not coming back for two days...dropping 10 loads of alcohol-smelling laundry at her house every other week...etc, etc). I had literally forgotten I was that much of an unappreciative ahole at that age.
Hang in there and don't be so mad at her. Its normal behavior whether you're divorced or not.
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Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View PostI'm sorry that you feel that your daughter is manipulating you...however, CS is CS.
If she lived with you, you'd be requesting support...just like he is.
I hope that you aren't mad at your daughter because she isn't taking sides in your divorce.
Love your kid more than you hate your ex.
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In this mom's case, CS is theft. Everyone in the family is aware of it, and the mother is getting the shaft. She has the right to be pissed.
If I could take 100% of my ex's salary, I would do it in a heartbeat, and my ex would be willing to do it right back to me. The law is suppose to be there to stop us from abusing each other, not to promote it.
The daughter is definitely taking sides. She is financially hurting her mother to help her father.
My ex is trying to do this; he's offered ours a car as well, apparently in lieu of university expenses. For whatever reason, mine hasn't yet been tempted. Offering a car to a young child/adult is tempting.. and manipulating. Haven't asked mine yet why she refused the car.. don't think I will.
My first car was a 1980 pontiac that I think I paid $400 for.. but man, that baby drove my friends and I all over the place. It was seriously the joke of res, but it travelled.
None of us are going to change the definition of a child of the marriage.
And I'm fully prepared, while kidlet remains in that definition, to allow her choices. If she goes to the ex, she goes to the ex, and I pay. As a parent, either paying or receiving, I want the best for kidlet. I've been overpaying for years, but I like the kid.
Momiss2 - I really think you need to consider such a drastic decision, making a choice to cut your daughter out of your life. I'm curious -- did you receive cs during her youth?
Is it ok to accept cs when they are kidlets, but refuse to pay cs when they are young adults and remain in the definition of a child of the marriage?Last edited by mcdreamy; 05-02-2013, 09:11 PM.Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.
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The daughter is definitely taking sides. She is financially hurting her mother to help her father.
When you weigh your children as "with me or against me", you should not be surprised when they act in selfishly. It is clearly a family trait, and better than the alternative since apparently no one else is acting for their best interests.
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I agree with what everyone said: I have to look out for my best interests as well and have never taught my daughter to be dishonest, derespectful, or be manipulated by anyone. I have let her know that I respect her decision and she can stand by it. That she can come to visit any time but not to stay over conveniently to stay overnight. She is not respectful: leaves her messes, does not clean up after herself. etc. Her father has been turning the kids against me since the sep. 3.5 years ago. I feel manipulated by both Yes she chose what is best for her. She also told me I was crazy and she would stay at my house 60-40. Her fathers term for sure. What lesson am I teaching her by taking advantage of what both us have to offer. She feels put in the middle and dad will continue with the manipulation of her. I'm not part of this and would rather be away from that bs for the next year, when child support ends. It didn't feel right to me so I have to stand up for myself. I don't mind paying cs. She needs it and so does her father. I'm a good mother.
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Originally posted by momiss2 View PostI agree with what everyone said: I have to look out for my best interests as well and have never taught my daughter to be dishonest, derespectful, or be manipulated by anyone. I have let her know that I respect her decision and she can stand by it. That she can come to visit any time but not to stay over conveniently to stay overnight. She is not respectful: leaves her messes, does not clean up after herself. etc. Her father has been turning the kids against me since the sep. 3.5 years ago. I feel manipulated by both Yes she chose what is best for her. She also told me I was crazy and she would stay at my house 60-40. Her fathers term for sure. What lesson am I teaching her by taking advantage of what both us have to offer. She feels put in the middle and dad will continue with the manipulation of her. I'm not part of this and would rather be away from that bs for the next year, when child support ends. It didn't feel right to me so I have to stand up for myself. I don't mind paying cs. She needs it and so does her father. I'm a good mother.
You need to learn to stop worrying about what you think they might be doing to you, and focus on maintaining a good relationship. And that should include overnights, if she is interested in doing so. You don't have to put up with her being a mess, but you should figure out a way to spend quality time together.
I would love to have my messy daughters do overnights with me, under any conditions. They do grow up and you don't get a second chance to spend more time with them.
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