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  • Unilateral decision making

    Hello everybody. I am new to the forum, and have spent the last couple of days reading posts. Tons of advice.

    Here is my situation. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, we have two kids - D6 and S5.We are both teachers, however, I do not have a position this year due to budget cuts and other issues. While teaching, I also DJ which was great for extra cash, but now i need to rely more on that for day to day living. We live approx 40 minutes from the school where she teaches. My daughter goes to grade 1 with her, as it made it easier for my wife. My son, however, goes to kindergarten at the school where we live. He catches the bus there and back.

    My wife left a little over a month ago now, and things have been rapidly going down hill since. When she left, she took the two kids with her and they have been staying at a mutual friends about an hour away. They all share the same room at the friends house. At the time she left, I was combining, as well as DJing. For approximately three weeks, the kids were able to be with me on three occasions, for about 20 minutes for two of them and one overnight stay. Two days after she left she came to the house and wanted to do a parenting agreement. this was one of the times that I had with the kids. I was quite hurt that she left, and tempers were still raging on both parts. Needless to say, it didn't work. She left, and took the kids again. I called several times asking to see them and she would either not answer, or would tell me no, she would not bring the kids out to visit for suppers etc (combining was pretty time consuming) There were a couple of rain days where i still couldn't see the kids.I would call and ask her to bring them home and she would refuse, stating that she did't trust me. There is no abuse in the relationship, and both parents have a very strong bond with the kids. I ended up calling the police, as she would not let me see them, and she was making it difficult to have access. She kept telling me that I could see them when combining is over. During this same time she told me that she was going to enroll our son in her school, to make things easier. I was not ok with that. During the three weeks I combined, he did not attend school.

    A week after she left she took the Parenting after Separation course, and then filed a court order requesting that the kids live with her full time, and I could have "generous access" on the weekends where I do not DJ. I usually DJ 3 weekends a month, so I was not ok with that either, as the kids would see me once or twice a month. Now that combining is over, I am trying to get subbing jobs as well as dj'ing to cover expenses, however, I am at home during the day, making child care unnecessary on days where our son doesn't have kindergarten, and before and after school care. The kicker is the distance to school for our daughter; the cost of gas to drive there and back twice a day is about 1500-1600 a month (based on our budget for my wife's gas expenses)

    My wife stated in the court order that she does 80% of the parenting, and therefore, it is in the kids best interest to stay with her as their routines would stay the same. Again, I did not agree with that statement, as school had just started for the year, and many of the new routines were barely set, as she left a week after school began. Granted there are things she typically does, as there are things I typically do. I felt we shared parenting, and that is what I requested in the response to her court order.

    Fast forward. I attended the Parenting after Separation course yesterday, and was not able to have the kids with me yesterday due to the course. I went to pick up the kids from my wife at a public location today, The meeting was full of anxiety. When she pulled, we switched carseats etc, and then she asked bout making a parenting agreement. I replied that we shouldn't discuss this with the kids around (past experience dictated that this was a bad idea) She didn't like that answer, and asked if she needed to get a lawyer, and I told her that is up to her, but I have not sought out a lawyer. She asked three more times about the parenting agreement, and I told her I would cll her later tonight to set up a time, and I didn't want to do this in front of the kids. She asked if she was staying there with me to take our daughter back with her. I said no, and I would like to keep them for the week. To that she replied no, you are not allowed to keep her for the week, and I cant spring that on her like that without asking her first (ironic because she took the kids for a month) I told her that she does not have that say right now. I went to leave, and she stood in the way of my door so I could't close it, and continued to tell me I wasn't allowed to keep them for a week. She was getting quite emotional at this time, and I replied that she needed to move, and I will contact her to set up a time this week to make a parenting agreement (which I still think is moot because she filed a court order) She refused to move and kept telling me I wasn't allowed to take the kids for a week.

    This was about 7-8 minutes of her stopping me from leaving. I said I wasn't arguing in front of the kids, and we sat in her vehicle where I listened to her yell at me more.

    She told me that she wasn't paying the mortgage anymore, as I am the one living in the house, and she needed the money to rent a new place for $1800 a month (our mortgage is $1200) Aargh.

    I am so frustrated with this. I think she is being completely unreasonable, and she thinks that because she left with the kids she can make the decision of when they see me, and what is generous access. I know I have played my part in the marriage breakdown, but this is just....effed up

  • #2
    The wall of text is hard to read, but why have you not filed an emergency motion to have the kids returned to their primary residence? She is welcome to leave, however she is not allowed to relocate the kids without your permission or a court order. You should seek a lawyer to get the kids returned. The longer you wait the more you are agreeing to her terms.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Berner_Faith View Post
      ...but why have you not filed an emergency motion to have the kids returned to their primary residence? She is welcome to leave, however she is not allowed to relocate the kids without your permission or a court order. You should seek a lawyer to get the kids returned. The longer you wait the more you are agreeing to her terms.
      Agreed.

      You really need to seek a lawyer, I think, as you seem unsure of what she is allowed to do, or not. Like you don't, let the wife, just up and leave with the kids an hour away. Look into this immediately. If you just accept it, and let it stand too long, you are not helping the situation, as you are helping her build "status quo" against you.

      You both need to share expenses and such, when it comes to your mortgage, etc (which I don't know much about, since that was not my scenario, but others on here do). I'm sure others in similar situations as you, will chime in soon enough.

      If you want it, you should accept nothing less than 50/50, joint custody. If she is working, and you are earning less than her right now, then if you shared the kids equally, she should be paying you "offset child support". (look it up).

      It seems she has in her head, that she wants the kids the majority of the time, and then you would be paying her full table child support. Of course, she will try that. You really need to seek a competent lawyer.

      Comment


      • #4
        Like Berner_Faith already mentioned, the first thing you need to do, is file a motion to have the kids returned to their primary residence. Do it...NOW.

        Comment


        • #5
          The timelines are unclear.

          A court application has been filed for custody of the children. Have no other issues regarding divorce/separation been included? Division of property, spousal support, etc.?

          Have you had your first case conference? You may not file a motion until after that conference, unless it is an emergency. Your current situation does NOT constitute an emergency.

          Your work combining is doubtless long hours that fill the day. However you must make a hard choice: Are you fighting to have your children or are you going to be a combiner?

          I do not know the full details of your work history or your school cutbacks. I do know that if you and her were both teachers, the issue of child care would be equal because you would be working equal hours. If you work long hours combining and are not able to pick up the children after school, then child care defaults to your ex. You need to make some hard decisions around this, as well as present your work situation in particular way to the courts. Your long-term career is a teacher; combining is something you are doing to make ends meet. Your future career is in all ways comparable to the ex, and all court decisions should made on this basis. You have to draw a firm line around this to stay on a level playing field with her.

          In order to show that you were equal caregivers you must draw up detailed schedules and fact sheets outlining your historical roles with dates. For example, "from 2010-2013, the typical weekly schedule was...." and then detail it on a spreadsheet. Don't just put a few sentences making a claim on your reply.

          Regarding the marital home, you will equalize the value of all property. If you are in a rural area and you live on a farm, there may be other considerations involved. You need to see a lawyer about this. A big point is whom is on the title. I will assume that both of you are, since you are both paying the mortgage....

          Her argument that she is not paying the mortgage is fair. She has to pay rent. You should be paying the mortgage, taxes, insurance, etc. You will owe her occupation rent; you are living full time on property half owned by her. This is offset by the fact that you are now paying upkeep on the property and mortgage on her behalf. You are now both joint-owner, and tenant. The costs should roughly cancel each other out, and you may tally up the difference when you do the equalization.

          According to the Children's Law Reform Act, if you are in Ontario, you both have equal right to legal custody of the children, and she has no more right to access/residence than you do. You are handling thngs reasonably well. Be sure to document any and every instance of her refusal to allow the children to be with you.

          I strongly recommend that you DO NOT COMMUNICATE BY PHONE. Nothing that is said will be admissible other than hearsay claims, nothing decided will be binding on her, and it just gives her opportunity to bait you into an argument. There is nothing to be solved with a phone call or face-to-face conversation, from your description.

          I strongly recommend that you limit or refuse conversation by text message. Texting is too close to "real time" and it is easy to caught up rage texting. Don't argue by text, above all.

          Preferred communication at this point should be email. For the time being tell her your phone is lost or broken and you haven't had it replaced. This will move conversation to email and hopefully make it a habit.

          Email is written record, you can print and show time, date, message source, etc. It is admissible. It is also slower and more thoughtful. Conversations tend to take place over several hours or days, not minutes or seconds. You can type a response, save it, read it an hour later, and then decide if you kept your temper or offered some compromise you will regret later.

          Regarding her repeated requests for a parenting plan, she is probably trying to bulldoze you into giving her physical custody. That said, you should offer, by mail/email, an interim agreement that gives you each roughly 50/50. Have this in writing as your offer, so that you can show a) that you were willing to negotiate reasonably, and b) that you have not released custody of the children to her.

          In court she will likely try to claim that her possession of the children was by mutual verbal consent. You need a written record of your stance that the children belong with both of you equally.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by dad2bandm View Post
            Like Berner_Faith already mentioned, the first thing you need to do, is file a motion to have the kids returned to their primary residence. Do it...NOW.


            Agreed...do it now....the longer you wait the more she can argue status quo

            Comment


            • #7
              One quick practical suggestion - one of the best things anyone told me at the beginning of this divorce process was that whenever you have to reply to an email from the ex, erase his/her name from the address line, and then go back and type it back in after you're done your answer. That 15-second pause to type in the address line can save you from the consequences of being too quick with the trigger finger. Whenever I have to send my ex a message, I leave the address line blank until I'm done, for the same reason.

              I've got nothing to add to the advice everyone else has given except to commend you for not being baited into arguing with your ex in front of the kids.

              Comment


              • #8
                I totally despise the unilateral decision making. The ex is constantly planning our time with the kids and then refuses to discuss how to work around this issue when we can't be in 6 places at the same time.

                Yes, I know we can just not take the kids where she wants to. But then the kids are hurt and they deem we are the bad guys. Then they don't want to come because mom can take them just as she promised. Its always a double edged sword, damned if we do, damned if we don't.

                I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

                Comment


                • #9
                  ***************************
                  Last edited by Mess; 10-27-2013, 06:47 PM. Reason: Off topic, sexist, inflammatory

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Could you please be just a little bit more crude, guys?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I let things get a little wilder in "General Chat" but this type of comment is not helpful or on topic.

                      Gender bashing and stereotyping is not appropriate on the board. I recognize we all are coming out of toxic relationships and carry bitterness of one form or another. That said, this type of comment has no place on a thread requesting useful information, and no place on a message board devoted to providing assistance to both genders.

                      Comment

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