High conflict people

[Mother]

Does anybody know a very effective way to deal with high conflict people especially in divorce situation? If a person says "no" to absolutely everything they hear and disagree with everything if it's not their way (unless court ordered)? If they refuse to go for any mediation and any 3rd party involvement unless it's their lawyer or a court ordered party?

How do you deal with these creatures? What works if anything to calm the situation/them down and make (force?) these people to act in a civilized way?

Any ideas anyone?

Thank you

[Mess]

It's possible they are right, they are being assertive, they don't want to get stepped on, and they don't want to waste money when there is nothing to mediate.

Or are we assuming that the other party is always right?

[Mother]

It's possible they are right, they are being assertive, they don't want to get stepped on, and they don't want to waste money when there is nothing to mediate.

Or are we assuming that the other party is always right?

The other party is not always right, the other party is ALWAYS right. The other party says that the other party is making rules here and nobody else (this is not "he said-she said", this is on record BTW).

[Janibel]

The other party is not always right, the other party is ALWAYS right. The other party says that the other party is making rules here and nobody else (this is not "he said-she said", this is on record BTW).

If the other party is being unreasonable, there's not a whole lot that you can do about it. If you have done your best to be fair and amicable in the past and still get bad results, the only option left is to let your lawyer handle it.

Best to avoid direct contact with someone like that, your sanity will thank you

[SomeGuy]

How do you deal with these creatures? What works if anything to calm the situation/them down and make (force?) these people to act in a civilized way?

Any ideas anyone?

I know EXACTLY of what you speak. I will spare you my details, but trust me... I hear you loud and clear.

You CANNOT change these people, or force them to act in a civilized way. Best you can do is try and understand what makes them tick, and try and use that to your advantage.

Along those lines, I will recommend a book that someone suggested in another thread:

"Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy

I actually bought 2 copies... read one cover-to-cover and yellow-highlighted another for my lawyer.

I am certainly not trying to diagnose my stbx (or yours) with a condition... however reading this book the behaviours described matched my situation to at T... and its full of practical suggestions on how to deal with an HCP.

PM me if you want further info...

[Mother]

It's gotta be something, some tactics or whatever, otherwise this is an entertaintment for the next 20 years or so..?

Done everything: nice emails/test messages/wizard messages declaring peace, attempts to reason, offers to discuss, mediation at our whole personal expense, cources for co-parenting, you name it. Nothing works because actually one statement "my way or the highway" that the other party follows is not being offered/discussed/taken in consideration.

What a pitty but it's gotta be some ways to deal with these people... The way to get through to them.

Any personal experience anyone?

Also, any unsuprevised personal contact is not possible at this time as it is a dangerous thing in this case. I'd talk to her in person only if ten cops are around watching and a camera is rolling, otherwise the other party will accuse our entire family (let alone just a party involved) of being physically and vervbally abusive, etc. NO WAY for any unsupervised personal contact. Being there, done that. Thank you but no, thank you.

[Mother]

I know EXACTLY of what you speak. I will spare you my details, but trust me... I hear you loud and clear.

You CANNOT change these people, or force them to act in a civilized way. Best you can do is try and understand what makes them tick, and try and use that to your advantage.

Along those lines, I will recommend a book that someone suggested in another thread:

"Splitting: Protecting yourself while divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy

I actually bought 2 copies... read one cover-to-cover and yellow-highlighted another for my lawyer.

I am certainly not trying to diagnose my stbx (or yours) with a condition... however reading this book the behaviours described matched my situation to at T... and its full of practical suggestions on how to deal with an HCP.

PM me if you want further info...

Going to a Chapter's store RIGHT NOW and will messag later.

Thank you for your suggestion.

[Mother]

Ok, got the book (the last one in this store). Almost finished the first chapter. Too bad I didn't have it a year ago but as the authors write there, it doesn't matter where you are in your in your splitting prorecces: before, durin or after, the book will help. So I guess I will enjoy reading it this coming weekemnd.

BTW one of the authors of this book Bill Eddy was the one Tayken recommended in this thread: http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...plained-13702/


Here is the link to the article:
Thoughts on Shared Parenting Presumptions - High Conflict Institute

WOW! Do I love this forum or what?

Thank you guys.

[SomeGuy]

If the other party is being unreasonable, there's not a whole lot that you can do about it. If you have done your best to be fair and amicable in the past and still get bad results, the only option left is to let your lawyer handle it.

I agree to a point.... however letting your lawyer "handle" it has its own risks. Lawyers LIVE for these kind of people. People like this are the bread-and-butter of the Family Law profession... and I learned too late that I should have kept a much better handle on MY lawyer.

Best to avoid direct contact with someone like that, your sanity will thank you

Unfortunately I agree with you here. I have not spoken directly to stbx for more than a year now.... hard to imagine ever speaking again. The avoidance of contact has made it MUCH easier to deal with. In the past I tried to be reasonable, only to have my words twisted, amplified and thrown back at me wrapped in a hurricane. Now I just completely ignore all the BS thrown at me, and respond succinctly only to important and relevant things.

It sickens me to think of the lesson this is teaching my kids....

[Mother]

Lawyers remind me sharks: mostly merciless predators. They don't care as whether you win or lose they are going to get paid anyway.

[Janibel]

Lawyers LIVE for these kind of people. People like this are the bread-and-butter of the Family Law profession... and I learned too late that I should have kept a much better handle on MY lawyer.

That's unfortunately true. My STBX has been using his lawyer's time to vent and rage (actually getting very little done in the process) when a therapist would have been more cost effective in his case.

I've learned to not over-react and deal with each issue as it comes along. As many have said in here:"you can't negotiate with crazy and you can't argue with stupid."

When children are involved that's another matter - OP cannot wait for years to get things moving along ... nor should the kids.

[Mother]

So basically (I will read the book that I bought today though) it all comes down to this: ignore them.

Sad

[SomeGuy]

So basically (I will read the book that I bought today though) it all comes down to this: ignore them.

That's the advice I was given about a year ago... and unfortunately it actually works. Only deal with the stuff you have to and ignore ALL the rest.... works wonders for peace of mind knowing you're not banging your head against a wall all the time.

I am "fortunate" (if you could call it that) my kids are almost adults, and am truly fortunate I have a very solid relationship with them. This would be many times harder if that were not the case.

Sad

As I said earlier... it sickens me the lesson this teaches kids.

High Conflict Person + Family Law is a truly nasty combination.

[stripes]

Ignore whenever possible. When not possible, stick to facts, don't get sidetracked, and remove all adjectives and adverbs from your communication. (If you're wondering whether something is an opinion or a fact, it's probably an opinion and doesn't belong in your communication). These kind of people like it when you pay attention to them, and so they keep on doing whatever it was that got your attention.

[caranna]

Ignore whenever possible. When not possible, stick to facts, don't get sidetracked, and remove all adjectives and adverbs from your communication. (If you're wondering whether something is an opinion or a fact, it's probably an opinion and doesn't belong in your communication). These kind of people like it when you pay attention to them, and so they keep on doing whatever it was that got your attention.

So true. I will add that in my case during the marriage my stbx absolutely loved it if I showed signs of being hurt when he would disparage me with his remarks and scornful smirks, so I learned to hide the hurt.

After separation, when he couldn't contact me, he started a campaign uttering and writing malicious lies about me, to family and business associates. I didn't reply in kind.