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  • Phone Log

    For the past few months I've consistently kept a detailed phone log of every call I've made to my son. Including the hundreds of calls where there was no answer and I left messages on the answering machine.

    Basically, I've been using my personal hotmail account and writing the date of the call in the subject line, and then the details of the calls in the email itself. Then, every time I do this, I email it to myself. I include every little detail of the calls including exactly what the ex says, how long the calls lasted, and even a summary of what my son and I talked about.

    Is this a good idea? It's the only thing I could think of and it seems like a decent route to take, but I am wondering if any judge on earth would give it any consideration at all. Is this something that my lawyer would have to disclose during discoveries? My log portrays a very accurate account of what happens. Even the times when I've successfully spoken to my son without interference from ex ( very rare ).

    If anyone has any better suggestions, please advise. Thanks.

    GDGM

  • #2
    The only other suggestion I have would be to include a copy of your monthly telephone bill, which show all the long distance charges. And yes, this issue will most likely be a hot topic at discoveries.

    Your on the right track.

    Comment


    • #3
      May I ask why?

      Also electorinc copies sometimes are viewed with suspicion. Why? Because you can cut and paste. Maybe ask a lawyer.

      Comment


      • #4
        it seems like a clunky way of keeping track. I would even think keeping a notebook beside the phone would even be easier. Or one single printable file. Especially if we are talking hundreds of emails....How are you going to handle these emails? Do you plan on printing each email? Is it basically for the date file on it. I am a bit confused about this.

        The phone bill would be more "proof" if you ask me. Especially backed up with details about each call.

        Comment


        • #5
          well, basically I thought it would be a good idea to email it to myself, on the day the call occurred, just to show the dates. I suppose I was thinking ahead and trying to think of what the opposing side would say if I went in with a big book of handwritten notes. At the same time, I have all my phone records and have highlighted ALL the calls I made to my son. Thankfully, ex has an answering machine, so I always let it pick up so that it's reflected on my phone bill. My phone bill records can back up my personal log very specifically.

          I guess I'm just trying to cover all areas that might potentially come up. Ex is very manipulative and I can see her telling her lawyer that I don't bother trying to call my son. I am trying to keep one step ahead of her.

          Yes, I thought that at any time my lawyer needed them, as I am in the arctic I could simply "forward" them all to his email. Maybe you're right, it is kinda a clunkly way I suppose. Hard to know the right way to do things sometimes...I just know that I want to be protected no matter what she might pull next.

          GDGM

          Comment


          • #6
            GDGM, ask you lawyer how they want this documented. My lawyers had asked me to document household expenses on Excel. A program I am not familiar with, but I learned quickly.

            Many times over the course of my 4 years of litigation "e-mails" were part of affidavits and there authenticity was not questioned.

            I think you need direction from your lawyer on how you should present your case.

            Comment


            • #7
              GDGM,

              I meant "why?" as in 'Are you going to court over custody' or 'Are you going for a variation in access' or "Are you proving PAS'...

              As a general rule, until all T's are crossed and all I's are dotted, I would tell everyone to keep logs of everything. The minute you start to talk about divorce... start your logs.

              I had a journal that had each day's pick up and drop off documented, any incidents, as well as phone logs, e-mails, notes from teachers, daycare issues, anything! Basically a day-by-day account of everything that happened. Mine fills about a dozen 3" binders. It is amazing how quickly you forget about things. Or when you are questioned in court about an event, how you may miss a day or get a date wrong. And you are right, I brought all that in one day and it really makes a statement to the other party.

              As Grace said, financial information can be kept in a spreadsheet. Include any money spent on the child, your own expenses, everything.

              And yes, e-mails may be accepted as part of an affidivait. The reason I mentioned that an e-mail log may not be used or at least viewed with suspicion is that it is easy to simply cut and paste "Child was not there when I went to pick him up" over and over again. It looks "better" hand written. But verify this with your lawyer. Some people also use a spreadsheet to keep track of all contact as well. A simple one line may do.

              Comment


              • #8
                So, have you considered a voice recorder? We've suggested it before. It's a good reference in that a record date will be included with the file, and if it's been tampered with at all, that will show as well. In other words, to my knowledge, the file will show the original recorded date, the download date, and if ANY modifications are made to the file, that date will show as well.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yes, I have considered a voice phone recorder. It would be the answer for sure, to the phone log. However, I live in a very isolated part of the arctic and the only store here is a tiny grocery store. As I am going through a bankruptcy and do not have a credit card, ordering from a store outside of my town is nearly impossible. I was hoping to get out on duty travel to a bigger centre, and was going to purchase one then. But as you know, I no longer have a job. I will most certainly be checking out the recorder when I leave the arctic to return home.

                  GDGM

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                  • #10
                    Keep phone records and keep log book ....this will be a saviour for you in court.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      It depends what your goal might be..

                      If you are creating a record of phone discussions with your child (or your former spouse for that matter) you need to put it in the context of what your conflict issue might be. For example, is your conflict issue simply obtaining regular phone access or is your primary goal one to increase your child's parenting time with you?

                      What's the nature of the conflict? I would be happy to offer my two cents.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well, to answer your question, I suppose I am simply trying to cover anything that might come up. The main reason for the log is to identify the consistent nature of the refusal of telephone access. Secondly, I want to document that I am making a constant effort as I expect ex to say that I am not trying to do this. Also, ex is behaving in a way that I feel is terribly detrimental to the emotional well-being of our son. e.g. she is verbally abusive and extremely hostile on the phone and with a 6 year old sitting right there with her.

                        I am returning to live in the same town as my son and ex very shortly. I plan to fight for specified access to my son...I hope to eventually have in place some sort of shared parenting. It is my understanding that the courts are quite reluctant to do this when there is high conflict between the parents. My arguement is that I am totally open and willing to be cooperative with my ex, I've proven that, but that it is SHE who is not willing to cooperate. I am frustrated that even though my goal is to have this type of relationship with her, in the best interests of our son, she is not willing and as a result of her unwillingness, the courts may not grant me share parenting. Doesn't seem fair to me that even though I want this type of relationship, I may be the one who gets shafted and without rights to help raise my son. Seems to me that it should be her that would be in question here as it is her that is being difficult...not me.

                        Thanks Sean. ANy advice would be greatly appreciated!
                        Welcome to the forum!
                        GDGM

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Phone Log - Increasing Access

                          If I read your last post correctly, you are basically looking to increase your access (on the phone and actual time) with your child and your primary objective would be to somehow obtain shared parenting. Here are some suggestions:

                          1) First off, make shared parenting a long term goal that you will measure all of the small conflict issues that have arisen (or will arise) against. If you do this, it allows you to look at each conflict issue from the perspective of "how relevent is this conflict issue to my overall goal"? If it's not relevent, let the issue slide or better still offer solutions to the issue.

                          2) You need a trail of evidence. If you've ever talked to anyone who works in the family law system or if you have ever gone down to family court and sat in on a family law hearing or two, you will find that both parties in a dispute often submit lengthy Affidavits claiming that each party is the source of conflict - but those same Affidavits are not supported by evidence at all. You need evidence because "there's what you know about your former spouse and what you can prove - if you can't prove it, it doesn't exist and it will probably put a judge to sleep". So what shape does your evidence take? Very simple actually: your evidence needs to be the solutions that you have offered to mom that she has either rejected or ignored. How dow we offer solutions? Well, you can use a lawyer but that gets expensive - so use registered mail. Send her a letter offering a solution to each conflict issue that comes up. Better still - instead of offering one solution - offer 5 solutions.

                          For example, you are experiencing telephone access denial... here are 5 solutions:

                          - offer her a choice of 5 mediators to address the issue.
                          - offer to meet with her and a counsellor to discuss ways of creating a predictable telephone schedule in both homes.
                          - offer to go "halfsies" on a cell phone for the kids - that way they can call whenever they want.
                          - make a blank calendar called "Phone Calls To Children", photocopy it five times and make five different phone schedules - send them to her in a letter asking her to pick one.
                          - send her one blank phone call calendar and ask her to "fill in the days and times that are convenient for her".

                          Now you have a trail of evidence. If she refuses all of them, then you might want to consider taking her back to court to get the order clarified. What is she going to say in response to your solutions? How will she justify to a judge why not one of your many methods of solving the problem are not agreeable to her?

                          Understand, if your case is your typical high conflict case, she will either refuse them all or not respond to anything and that's just fine. We are sending her solutions partly to solve the problem, but mostly to give a judge an idea of her pattern of behavior toward you and how it negatively impacts the kids.

                          Remember that a judge makes a decision based on a couple of factors:

                          a) Evidence (which you can create by taking this approach)
                          b) Balance of Probabilities (what is the balance of probabilities that you are a controlling, abusive and angry father as she alleges, when you are offering multiple methods of solving the problem?)

                          Finally, as a father in the family law process - do not make the mistake that most fathers make, namely, looking for a magic wand that will miraculously solve everything. It simply doesn't exist. Because you are a father, your motivations will always be questioned, you will be the person under the microscope. So you literally have to become what I call "super non stick coated teflon wonder dad". Your credibility has to be as close to perfect as a person can get. You have to speak the language of child care in the same way that mom does. You have to frame everything from the context of "how the kids benefit" rather than "I have a right to this or that because I am the children's father". In short - you have to become Mr. Rogers.

                          It's not fair, but it's what you have to do to be successful.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            This is really fantastic information...thank you very much!

                            Many of the things you have mentioned, I have done. This would include sending a letter asking her to cooperate with me and asking her to work with me on a suitable time for my son and I to speak on the phone. I also asked her if she would be willing to allow me to send a pre-paid calling card so that my son could call me long distance ( no expense to her) whenever he wanted to. She ignored this request. I have proof of that.

                            As I am returning to the same home town soon, I will begin drafting a letter and calendar so that she can fill in the best times for me to take our son. I know she will ignore this, but as you said, at least when I get in front of a judge with her, I can supply proof of her denile of access and of her unwillingness to cooperate.

                            I have already asked her to attend mediation with me...and actually I went myself 3 times. The mediator called my ex to ask her to attend but she refused. I would imagine I coudl simply get a letter from that mediator to confirm this.

                            You're post has been very helpful! I will most certainly take your suggestions to heart and implement some new techniques to try to work things out. I reiterate, I do not anticipate a sudden change from her, but at least I can gather some proof to take to court.

                            Thank you !
                            GDGM

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Phone Log - Increasing Access

                              Glad to help.

                              Another useful strategy is to develop some rules or what I call "instinctive responses" to issues that emerge... for example:

                              A conflict issue emerges - she calls you about something and starts freaking out. Maybe she denied access - it could be anything..

                              Instinctive response #1

                              - Call her on the phone to address the issue, make it no longer than 5 minutes, offer solutions on the phone.

                              Instinctive response #2

                              - If you resolve the issue, FABULOUS. If not - no worries. Whether you resolve the issue or not, send a letter in a very diplomatic tone confirming what was agreed upon OR offering solutions to the problem.

                              Get in the habit of using these two instinctive responses because they allow you to simply "know" what to do next.

                              Comment

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