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  • How to discuss parenting

    I separated from my ex about 3 months ago, and we share custody of our 18 month old daughter. It's split up roughly 50/50 and that aspect is working fairly well.

    She moved in with her new partner, who babysits while my ex works evening shifts.

    I decided not to sweat the small things, but there are two issues that are starting to bug or worry me.

    1 - my daughter's diet. My ex will feed her fries with ketchup and sometimes other non healthy food. She'll also let her drink kool-aid instead of pure fruit juice.

    2 - my ex's new partner is fairly lazy. During the evening, she'll lay on the couch and give the pacifier to my daughter and they'll watch TV (American Idol, soaps and sometimes Disney movies). The biggest issue I have is that it's a bad habit for my daughter, I want her to be active.

    I don't think they agree with my on these points, they don't see it as harmful or not as good to our daughter. And, I don't want to sound like I'm perfect, I know very well that I am far from it.

    Just wondering if people have had this talk in the past and what worked best.

    Also, we are not agreeing on the financial terms of the separation, but neither one of us have used our daughter for revenge on the other. The shared parenting aspect is going very well, and I'd like to keep it that way.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
    I separated from my ex about 3 months ago, and we share custody of our 18 month old daughter. It's split up roughly 50/50 and that aspect is working fairly well...
    Awesome! Just keep it 50/50, or you will loose control.

    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
    ...I decided not to sweat the small things...
    Great! It is the ONLY way to survive and be happy.

    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
    My ex will feed her fries with ketchup and sometimes other non healthy food. She'll also let her drink kool-aid instead of pure fruit juice.
    Hey, wait a minute, I thought you said you decided not to sweat the small stuff?

    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
    2 - my ex's new partner is fairly lazy. During the evening, she'll lay on the couch and give the pacifier to my daughter and they'll watch TV (American Idol, soaps and sometimes Disney movies). The biggest issue I have is that it's a bad habit for my daughter, I want her to be active.
    What you call a bad habit is what the other calls a nice way to spend an evening.

    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
    I don't think they agree with my on these points, they don't see it as harmful or not as good to our daughter. .
    And they have a right to their opinion and given that a lot of people consider what they do as normal, they don't have to agree with you.

    Originally posted by Foredeck View Post
    Just wondering if people have had this talk...
    There is no talk that you should have, you will just come across as controlling and intrusive. Let it go. You have your daughter half the time so that is huge. If you stuff her full of healthy foods and keep her busy with activities, she will have a balanced life that reflects the mannerisms of both her parents, which is how it should be. I for example cancelled TV because I think the kids (and I) watched to much, so they get some at their mom's and none at my house (we watch a movie or a downloaded show together sometimes though). Balance! Life without TV was a hollow feeling for about a year, but now we don't miss it at all!

    You could sign up your daughter for activities that happen during your ex's access time, with support and concent from your ex to take her.

    You can also teach your daugther how good healthy food can be so that she will want it when not with you by simply making that food the easiest to get at, or at her age offered only that. Of my three kids, they all like healthy foods, but my oldest really eats well all on her own, choosing fruits over cookies etc...I am not sure how that happened exactly, but maybe it was that her parents (okay probably her mom!) showed her the way.

    In short, just worry about your time with your daughter and leave things that others would consider normal alone.
    Last edited by billm; 05-22-2009, 11:05 AM.

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    • #3
      I have had a similar problem, with the food my daughter is receiving on the Sunday night and the school lunch packed for Monday.

      Basically, every second Sunday my child is fed bread and butter for lunch, and then fast food for dinner, no fruit lives at my exs house. And the school lunch is Dora jujubes, a granola bar, and a cheese string. (the school called and my mom drops off lunch for her on Mondays since my ex refuses to pack anything...he says he shouldn't have to pay for her food although our court order states he provide lunch).

      As for the fast food dinners, my daughter is turning 6 and she absolutely hates fast food, it gives her stomach aches and she has been ill, I took her to the doctor, got a note, and went to court to request a change, I even said I would cook the food and send it with her......

      The court "encouraged" my ex to provide our child with food she actually eats and doesn't make her sick. He still feeds her fast food. She just doesn't eat and is really hungry Monday, but her teacher understands and lets her eat as soon as she arrives. (he does not give her breakfast)


      Here is the kicker...my ex is a chef at a restaurant LOL.

      So, with respect to your food issue, perhaps just feed your daughter well, and teach her the healthy choices and hope as she gets older she will make healthy choices herself. My daughter always goes for fruit and milk before cookies or pop.

      As for the evening routine, you'll have to be the rock, and keep her active when she is with you. Again, as she gets older she will begin to express what she likes....and she will most likely prefer the active involvement you have with her, then the sitting around doing nothing but watch tv.

      BillM gave excellent advise...especially the activity sign up!!
      Good luck.

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      • #4
        We have the same problem. My husband's 8 year old son fits a men's 32 waist - so we have to cut about 1 1/2 feet off of his pants to hem them. He is in the 99 percentile for children his height and age. He weighs more than I do. His ex-wife has them for 50% of the meals. So... their weekly diet consists of McDonalds followed by a Dairy Queen Large Blizzard at least one night a week with mom - and when I say McDonalds I don't even mean the kids meal - they get a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder and large fries and then she also gets them the toy. Their typical lunch from mom consists of Bear Claws, Wagon Wheels, processed cheese and crackers and a balogne and cheese sandwich on white bread with mayo. Diabetes runs in her family. Needless to say we have a huge problem.
        At our home we have a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. I enjoy gardening and have a 60x50 ft plot of veggies (trying to get the kids interested after all of the chocolate that they get at mom's is pretty hard - although they were amazed that carrots grow underground!).
        So... what do you do? We tried to talk to mom about the issue, but she says that they are perfectly healthy (125lb/4 ft/8year old!!!). We have been told that there is nothing that we can do- what mom does on her custody time is none of our business. I think that that is a silly answer - as she is abusing and harming the kids. If we don't aggree with other things that she does on her time that is our problem - but if the health and safety of your children is at risk you have to do something. So... the kids are going to the doctor to have complete physicals. Our doctor has said that if the problem is as severe as we think then he is obligated to write a report to the courts and to speak to mom about the food problem. Due to the current childhood obesity epedemic he is fully suppportive of trying to turn their health around and willing to try to work with us to get mom on board too. I have no idea if his opinion this carries any weight with the court - or for that matter with mom. But I figure that in the end we have to do everything that we can to try to help the kids be healthy. Hopefully when they get just a little older they will want to be healthy and active (not overwieght and sit on the couch). Although I fully admit that it sucks to be "the mean parent" who makes them eat vegetables and won't pack chocolate in their lunches. So until they can choose their own foods we will make them go for walks, put them in aerobic sports (soccer), feed them as best we can and hope for the best.

        Comment

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