Does your husband ever tried to discuss these and other issues one-on-one with his ex?
Failing the two of them trying to sort things out I don't think there is much you can do.
I personally would do everything I could do to avoid the woman and maybe you have to think more along the lines of self-preservation mode.
I have to say I would be very resentful if my husband expected me to deal with his ex on any matter if the two of us didn't get along.
It is difficult to avoid her when she continues to show up where we are with the children during dad's access. She doesn't watch from a distance respectfully she cuddles the children to an extent that is seen as odd by many others (the children's coaches have complained and actually asked her to remove herself as she is in the playing zone of their sporting activity).
It has gotten to the point that we don't discuss our upcoming plans with any of our kids any more as it is so uncomfortable when mom shows up. It creates a hostile situation. My ex husband comes to his children's activities from time to time but he is respectful, does not interfere with the kid's activities and does not intrude on our time or plans (does not draw out good byes, does not bring the children meals as mom does during our time, does not say off the cuff rude remarks, does not swear or yell, etc.). It is really over the top. The children's psych has said that it creates anxiety for the children when mom shows up during our time and has said that it would be better if mom allowed dad to have unfettered time with the children. Moreover, the children are now being seen as being different by their peers at their sports activities as a twelve year old with his mother hanging off him and holding his hand in the playing zone is seen as different. They now shun him when mom shows up. Sad...
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