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  • Change to custody and access when DV charges are made

    Charges are pending and I am trying to figure out how to handle this. Can't go into too much detail (charges pending)

    It is ex's weekend and he *may* be out by then (I have no idea how quick a release could be). I have concerns over child being at risk since he will be extremely pissed and child has told me many times dad screams at her and punishes her over very minor things. I am concerned as this behaviour has been escalating and child refuses to tell anyone but me.

    Do I file for emergency custody and restraining order?
    How do I obtain child legally for the weekend (whether he is Out yet or not).
    I will be filing a motion to change and request for OCL.
    however I need to know how to protect the child this weekend.
    Thanks

    Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk

  • #2
    I don't have the answers for you, but am very sorry you and the kidlet are going through this right now.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
      I don't have the answers for you, but am very sorry you and the kidlet are going through this right now.
      Thanks Blink. Taking this one step at a time

      Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk

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      • #4
        Can u call the arresting officer or the crown attorney and explain your concerns and ask them to add the restraining order onto his bail conditions?

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        • #5
          is he in jail? Where are the children if he is in jail ? Did the Police notify Family and Children Services? What is Family and Children Services saying.. have they contacted you?

          Only the courts can grant you restraining order , but you have to file a motion and win.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
            is he in jail? Where are the children if he is in jail ? Did the Police notify Family and Children Services? What is Family and Children Services saying.. have they contacted you?

            Only the courts can grant you restraining order , but you have to file a motion and win.
            He has arranged to turn himself in tomorrow morning . He is also supposed to pick up the child after school tomorrow.
            CAS has reviewed and will not be involved as the child was not involved in the incident.
            It has been explained that he is to have no contact with me as part of his release conditions.
            I believe this is enough to scare him into following the conditions. I have been told if I want any protection or changes to custody/access that I am to go to court.

            Child is 11. Has expressed over and over but only to me that she is scared of dad. I will have to discuss on a need to know basis with her tonight what is happening and feel out if she feels safe enough to go there until Wednesday. She has no means of contacting me for that time other than dad's cell phone
            I am waiting for officer to tell me if he will be released in time to pick up our child tomorrow.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by billiechic View Post
              CAS has reviewed and will not be involved as the child was not involved in the incident.
              If CAS doesn't have protection concerns, why would the court have protection concerns? He will surely point to the non-involvement of CAS as evidence that this isn't an emergency. Even if you get an ex parte order, it will have a rapid return date, and you need to explain why CAS is not involved.

              Not saying you don't have a real concern, just giving my outsider look.


              Child is 11. Has expressed over and over but only to me that she is scared of dad. I will have to discuss on a need to know basis with her tonight what is happening and feel out if she feels safe enough to go there until Wednesday. She has no means of contacting me for that time other than dad's cell phone
              Yuck.

              Perhaps it is time to provide her with a cellphone. Maybe grab a pay-as-you-go phone for this weekend?

              She won't be totally out of contact until Wednesday. She will be in school come Monday which can provide telephone access in case things are really bad.

              Her telling you that she is scared must be terrifying as a parent, but unless she approaches other adults, nothing is going to come of it. It is always possible that she is telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Kids do that sometimes. How can a court differentiate between reality and storytelling, especially when the only evidence is hearsay?

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Janus View Post
                If CAS doesn't have protection concerns, why would the court have protection concerns? He will surely point to the non-involvement of CAS as evidence that this isn't an emergency. Even if you get an ex parte order, it will have a rapid return date, and you need to explain why CAS is not involved.

                Not saying you don't have a real concern, just giving my outsider look.


                Yuck.

                Perhaps it is time to provide her with a cellphone. Maybe grab a pay-as-you-go phone for this weekend?

                She won't be totally out of contact until Wednesday. She will be in school come Monday which can provide telephone access in case things are really bad.

                Her telling you that she is scared must be terrifying as a parent, but unless she approaches other adults, nothing is going to come of it. It is always possible that she is telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Kids do that sometimes. How can a court differentiate between reality and storytelling, especially when the only evidence is hearsay?
                I agree that from the outside there is nothing substantial to act on. The child has been punished many times in the past (even last week) when dad finds out she talked and shared negative acts at his house. So to avoid being punished she has said "everything is fine" for 2 years.
                CAS is well aware that this is the case, and until she tells someone other than mom, nothing will be done. She is still too scared to talk.
                Do i believe her ...yes. 1000%. There is no way a kid with no knowledge of how I was treated in the past could come home and describe the exact same treatment from the same person. Exact same, just to a lesser extent. No physical violence. But constant mental and emotional abuse.

                I will look into a pay as you go option tonight. I am concerned he will take it away but I think his lawyer will be instructing him to allow it now. I suggested it a month ago in an offer but was not accepted.

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                • #9
                  So sorry to hear what you’re going through. You might want to discuss a safety plan with your daughter. The good news is that she is 11 and her wishes are soon to be taken into consideration by the courts.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Stillbreathing View Post
                    So sorry to hear what you’re going through. You might want to discuss a safety plan with your daughter. The good news is that she is 11 and her wishes are soon to be taken into consideration by the courts.
                    He has been arrested and is likely to be released tonight on bail. My daughter is going with him for his access time.
                    I have obtained a cell phone for her and will bring it to her at school on Monday. I will be filing for some custody now as well as there is no ability to even discuss things with his conditions of no contact, and with that past history.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                      The child has been punished many times in the past (even last week) when dad finds out she talked and shared negative acts at his house.
                      I hate parents that do that. My ex is the same.

                      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                      CAS is well aware that this is the case, and until she tells someone other than mom, nothing will be done. She is still too scared to talk.
                      Careful. My ex intentionally had our child go to the principal to say I was going to harm the child. CAS was called and child did not share share comments with social worker. Telling your child to share these things with professionals isn't going to help - unless they are truth. They could very well be just things the child thinks you want to hear (or things you have coached the child to say).

                      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                      constant mental and emotional abuse.
                      Whoa whoa.Calm the horses and take some time to cool your jets. You're not a psychologist who did an assessment on the family now are you ?


                      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                      I will look into a pay as you go option tonight. I am concerned he will take it away but I think his lawyer will be instructing him to allow it now. I suggested it a month ago in an offer but was not accepted.
                      That can be just brushed off as you wanting to control child on their time with other parent. I could tell you that if my child was given a cellphone at age 11 - the rules at my house would be no cellphone. It will get turned off and put away - just as it would in a school classroom. When they turn 14 - maybe. Child can easily be coached by you to call you and text you during their ENTIRE time with the other parent. It's the other parents private time, a cellphone can not be used as a tool to monitor their time with the other parent.

                      Now - what was your ex charged for ? Is it a criminal offense ? Have they pleaded guilty ? Is it something that they will fight in criminal court ? Is it something you could use against them in family court ? This is your strongest evidence to use against your ex - depending on details and circumstances.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by tunnelight View Post
                        I hate parents that do that. My ex is the same.



                        Careful. My ex intentionally had our child go to the principal to say I was going to harm the child. CAS was called and child did not share share comments with social worker. Telling your child to share these things with professionals isn't going to help - unless they are truth. They could very well be just things the child thinks you want to hear (or things you have coached the child to say).

                        Whoa whoa.Calm the horses and take some time to cool your jets. You're not a psychologist who did an assessment on the family now are you ?




                        That can be just brushed off as you wanting to control child on their time with other parent. I could tell you that if my child was given a cellphone at age 11 - the rules at my house would be no cellphone. It will get turned off and put away - just as it would in a school classroom. When they turn 14 - maybe. Child can easily be coached by you to call you and text you during their ENTIRE time with the other parent. It's the other parents private time, a cellphone can not be used as a tool to monitor their time with the other parent.

                        Now - what was your ex charged for ? Is it a criminal offense ? Have they pleaded guilty ? Is it something that they will fight in criminal court ? Is it something you could use against them in family court ? This is your strongest evidence to use against your ex - depending on details and circumstances.
                        He has been charged with domestic assault against me. There is to be no contact with me and therefore child is being given cell phone to have communication and not violate his conditions.
                        Child is not being coached at all. She is coming to me sobbing, and this has been ongoing for well over 2 years. CAS is well aware of it, they are also aware that by sharing what she told them in confidence that they created and contributed with the problem of her not wanting to talk since she was punished for telling CAS thibgs at her dad's house.

                        Fyi I am no newbie to all of this. I have been on this forum for 9 years and have already thought of all the counter arguments to my choices. I realize I will be accused of all those things you mentioned above. And I also intend to once again ask for OCL so that hopefully they will find the truth. I am NOT looking to bury my ex but to free my child and myself to live without this conflict. That has been my intention all along and 8 years of constant conflict has proven that he is not capable of doing anything to cooperate.
                        I did not press charges. Through his own continued conflict the police were involved once again and they decided there was enough evidence to charge him. Mandatory by law.

                        Did you forget this is posted in the domestic violence section?

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                        • #13
                          I am curious, how did your ex get close enough to you to assault you? One would think that after experiencing 9? years of violence that you would have taken precautions to ensure your safety.

                          Might be a good thing that your ex has finally been charged and no longer flying under the radar. Important your daughter knows how to dial 911 (not your phone number) and let the professionals provide intervention if necessary. If not then all you can do is focus on how you can provide a drama-free life for you and your child.

                          Your ex very well may turn out to be a model father when you are not around... let's hope he can manage that.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by arabian View Post
                            I am curious, how did your ex get close enough to you to assault you? One would think that after experiencing 9? years of violence that you would have taken precautions to ensure your safety.

                            Might be a good thing that your ex has finally been charged and no longer flying under the radar. Important your daughter knows how to dial 911 (not your phone number) and let the professionals provide intervention if necessary. If not then all you can do is focus on how you can provide a drama-free life for you and your child.

                            Your ex very well may turn out to be a model father when you are not around... let's hope he can manage that.
                            The cops charged him with an assault that occurred years ago when we were married.
                            They were called because he was threatening to be outside my house and follow me. They seemed to think it was a valid enough reason. Is there someone else I need to convince?

                            And then apparently when they ask for the history of the relationship they have the ability to charge for anything that has enough evidence. They told me they would be charging him regardless if I wanted to or not.

                            I was taking precautions. That's why I called after an hour of threatening text messages (15) and 6 phone calls with voice mails.
                            Anyone else have any questions or can we move onto helpful advice?

                            Sent from my SM-G920W8 using Tapatalk

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by arabian View Post
                              I am curious, how did your ex get close enough to you to assault you? One would think that after experiencing 9? years of violence that you would have taken precautions to ensure your safety.

                              Might be a good thing that your ex has finally been charged and no longer flying under the radar. Important your daughter knows how to dial 911 (not your phone number) and let the professionals provide intervention if necessary. If not then all you can do is focus on how you can provide a drama-free life for you and your child.

                              Your ex very well may turn out to be a model father when you are not around... let's hope he can manage that.
                              I seriously doubt he will be a model father when I'm not around. He's actually to the outside world a very good father. That is exactly the problem. What goes on behind closed doors, what gets sent to me and only me, that's the problem. Not who he looks like to the public.
                              We've all been watching the Hollywood news. It's not that difficult to hide criminal and abusive behaviour is it? Especially when nobody believe the victim, right?

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