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  • #31
    Propose a schedule that works for the children. Not you and not him.

    His schedule is none of your concern. He cannot expect a schedule tailor made to his life. He will have to figure how to handle the children getting to school and back and how daycare services will play into this. Not your problem, even though you would make it so. You can offer to pick up his slack if you want and the .grandparents can certainly offer to help. But ultimately if you settled on any schedule such as 223 or a week on off schedule that is it. Parents have to make their lives work around the needs of their children.

    The schedule should achieve a stable life for the children and contain appropriate pickup,and drop off times. If at school then drop of for school time and pick up after school. If at daycare then drop off and pickup according to daycare protocols.

    I do not speak French and one of my children attending French Immersion with great success.

    Looks like for what ever reason your life will have to change and why waste time, money and effort fighting when you could work to make things better for all.

    You are should embrace the chance to move on and get things settled.

    Comment


    • #32
      so many things wrong with the reasons provided. I could pick it apart piece by piece but I know it would be a waste of time.

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
        so many things wrong with the reasons provided. I could pick it apart piece by piece but I know it would be a waste of time.
        So many things wrong... Can you find one right reason? I couldn't but may be I missed something.

        Comment


        • #34
          I guess the reasons do not matter and maybe that was what the judge was trying to tell the poster.

          You may not like him, you may think you do a better job. You might not approve of his plans etc etc.

          But you both need to sit down and make a plan to work for the children.

          If the poster goes in with these reasons she will likely not do well.
          If the poster goes in with a 50/50 parenting plan which is designed for the children and not around his schedule she will likely be successful.
          Something like a 223 sxhedule would likely work with this young age.

          Right now he seems to be saying. according to the poster, that he wants a 50/50 access centred around his work schedule. He cannot have his cake and eat it. Set the child focused schedule and let each parent figure out how to manage it.

          Comment


          • #35
            Perhaps I misread, but i got the impression SHE wanted it around his work schedule.

            Comment


            • #36
              Beachnana, it takes two to tango. I know nothing about the poster's ex but I have a sense of the poster herself. It's all about her and her controlling the situation and money, no matter what she says. If it wasn't for money, then 50/50 or 40/60 would work for her but she can't accept it. I don't need to even guess as to why.

              There is no chance in hell she'll agree to sit down for a conversation unless her ex's responses are "yes" to everything she says. Been there, done that.

              Hope they get a fair judge.

              Comment


              • #37
                blinkandimgone said:
                "Perhaps I misread, but i got the impression SHE wanted it around his work schedule".
                Yep Blink. You're correct.
                http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...chedule-18019/


                Here, she stated:
                2 weeks ago he served me with court documents asking for 50/50 custody.

                Things are heated.

                I told him i won't agree to his proposal until after i see his work schedule.
                She's paranoid about his work schedule. I'm going through that right now too in court. My lawyer says not to worry, judges are cognizant that most parents work. This doesn't hinder 50/50. I'm sure he's coming in to this with a workable parenting plan just as I am.
                Last edited by LovingFather32; 11-20-2014, 10:40 PM.

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                • #38
                  I think both the poster and her ex are all over the map on their reasons for and against a 50/50 shared custody.

                  He seems, according to her to want to work it around his schedule with 7 am doick ups and drop offs. She is trying to manage his schedule and determine whether he can or cannot do the pick up and drop offs.

                  Seems to me they need to just make a schedule that is child focused and figure it out on their own. They seem young children so 223 would most likely be the best for now with a move to 1 week on off when they are older.

                  Its seems i have learnt a lot from reading all these posts. It is supposed to be all about the kids!

                  Maybe these parents will learn that soon.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
                    Its seems i have learnt a lot from reading all these posts. It is supposed to be all about the kids!

                    Maybe these parents will learn that soon.
                    You got it Beach. Its supposed to be ALL about the kids. Some get lost in the mess and forget this.

                    My settlement Conf. brief offer is 2-2-3. But every other weekend. Thus, one parent will get the child 5 days in a row one week (Fri-Mon) . The other parent 5 days in a row another week.

                    And mom gets D3 every Mon, Tues; I get her every Wed, Thurs.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Some people will never learn. "My way or the highway" engraved in their brain prevent them from having any other thoughts. In our case, the other party said: The child MUST be dropped off at the daycare at X:00 am because this is the time I am dropping off the child. Really? Seriously? Child is being dropped of when in the other parent's care at the time when the other parent drops the child off, not when it was ordered.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                        You got it Beach. Its supposed to be ALL about the kids. Some get lost in the mess and forget this.

                        My settlement Conf. brief offer is 2-2-3. But every other weekend. Thus, one parent will get the child 5 days in a row one week (Fri-Mon) . The other parent 5 days in a row another week.

                        And mom gets D3 every Mon, Tues; I get her every Wed, Thurs.
                        I am really, really curious if your ex will accept this offer.

                        Ours did not.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Mother View Post
                          Beachnana, it takes two to tango. I know nothing about the poster's ex but I have a sense of the poster herself. It's all about her and her controlling the situation and money, no matter what she says. If it wasn't for money, then 50/50 or 40/60 would work for her but she can't accept it. I don't need to even guess as to why.

                          There is no chance in hell she'll agree to sit down for a conversation unless her ex's responses are "yes" to everything she says. Been there, done that.

                          Hope they get a fair judge.
                          Well hopefully after reading some sage advice on here that tries to put both sides into perspective she will understand she needs to let go and grow as a parent and adult for the best interest of her children.

                          I think its a gut instinct that as Dad has not been able for whatever reason step up to the job of parenting on a consistent basis that now he is ready she is a little put out to have to share. After all where was he when she was dealing with 2 young children on her own.

                          Not saying that is right just saying thats likely her gut instinct. Takes time and maturity to work past this feeling.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            ^^ That makes sense to me - giving the poster the benefit of the doubt, I can see how it would be difficult if Dad has been missing in action for the last few years (possibly the most difficult years of childrearing) and now turns up wanting to be a completely hands-on dad, with perhaps an unrealistic idea of what that involves (7.00 handoffs of kids, won't deal with grandparents, won't do extracurriculars) - I can understand Mom's skepticism. This scenario doesn't automatically make Mom a narcissist or crazy or uncaring. This could be a difficult transition.

                            But difficult does not mean impossible. Perhaps Mom should focus on putting together a schedule that moves the kids into a situation that's closer to 50/50 over a period of a few months. That way Mom can reassure herself that Dad can (or perhaps can't) take up the parenting that he hasn't been doing in the past, and Dad can get a gradual introduction to the realities of raising kids.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              1. We have a separation agreement and there has been no material change in circstance to warrant a change.
                              No material change to deviate from the 99% / 1% access regime? Ok. Do you have an existing court order? When was it signed?

                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              2. Ex has not excercised his access to children for 3 years. I worry that he is now asking for 50/50 after being nearly absent. He Does not show stability.
                              He hasn't exercised his 1% access? What exactly does your current agreement state for an access schedule? Stability? How? You mentioned he's some kind of first responder right now, if I read correctly. That would seem to show he's employed and schooled in some stable capacity. He doesn't sound like someone couch surfing from place to place, for example.

                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              3. Status quo going well. Kids thriving. I have a closer bomd with the kids and have supports . He has no one. I worry they will regress if we make a change like this.
                              Perhaps you do currently have a closer bond with the kids given the current access regime, but it's proven that kids do best when they have maximum contact with both parents. Kids adjust well, and would thrive even more with two involved parents.

                              Don't go to court saying,
                              "He has no one"... for his support network. I doubt it's true, and you will look like a nut trying to state that.
                              My ex tried to claim that about me...it did not go well for her.

                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              4. Ex's work schedule would not allow 50/50. He is proposing schedules that are nearly impossible...
                              Propose workable schedules that are fair to both of you then.
                              Having a daycare available should make this very doable. Let him worry about his work start-time.

                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              7. We do not get along. It would be difficult to share time with the kids...
                              Why do you need to share time with the kids? Enjoy your kids on your time; he can do same on his. You're both adults. Surely you can pretend to get along on the rare occasion where you are both present with kids? Most separated couples don't get along, yet can coparent in some capacity. Many of those couples do have something akin to 50/50.

                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              8. Most of the time he does not answer the phone when i call the kids nor does he have them return my calls. I can only 'at rare times' communicate with the kids when they are at Dad's.
                              I thought Dad only had 1% access, and rarely exercised access? Why are calls necessary at all, under such an access regime? Are you calling about an emergency? What does your current agreement state about this?

                              Originally posted by twokids View Post
                              ...
                              9. Ex husband won't allow the kids to go to birthday parties. He feels this is 'his time' with the kids. This is not good for the Children.
                              Did he have input or advance notice about said parties? Or was he told a time and place to have children dropped off, during his time with kids? I can't see how this would be a big issue, if he doesn't have much access time right now. If it's during his time, he should be deciding. Birthday parties are really a non-issue in relation to "good for the children". You should not present that for court purposes...You both will look nuts.
                              Last edited by dad2bandm; 11-21-2014, 12:46 AM. Reason: corrected quoting

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by stripes View Post
                                ^^ That makes sense to me - giving the poster the benefit of the doubt, I can see how it would be difficult if Dad has been missing in action for the last few years (possibly the most difficult years of childrearing) and 1. now turns up wanting to be a completely hands-on dad, with perhaps an unrealistic idea of what that involves (7.00 handoffs of kids, won't deal with grandparents, won't do extracurriculars) - 2. I can understand Mom's skepticism. This scenario doesn't automatically make Mom a narcissist or crazy or uncaring. This could be a difficult transition.

                                But difficult does not mean impossible. Perhaps Mom should focus on putting together a schedule that moves the kids into a situation that's closer to 50/50 over a period of a few months. That way Mom can reassure herself that Dad can (or perhaps can't) take up the parenting that he hasn't been doing in the past, and Dad can get a gradual introduction to the realities of raising kids.
                                1. Dad has already 30%:

                                Originally posted by twokids View Post
                                Past few months the ex decided he wanted the kids more. We worked up to what is in our separation agreement and that is 70/30 split on the time.

                                All is going well so far with the kids.
                                And it looks like he has a pretty good realistic idea what that involves.

                                2. Oh yes, it does, according to this:
                                Originally posted by twokids View Post
                                He wants 50%.

                                I'm not going for it. I don't think it's good for the kids. Lots of reasons - all valid in my opinion.


                                Who the Hell this mother is to decide that her children do not need more time with their father? Oh, because SHE said so.. Lots of valid reasons in HER opinion. Yet, she disagree with the OCL assessment offered by the judge with all these valid reasons.

                                Originally posted by twokids View Post
                                Judge said he wasn't accusing me of anything but he said it is a red flag to him that I don't want the assessment and I may have something to hide.


                                Now I am getting back to my narcissist post.

                                Comment

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