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  • old spouse

    I am living with my girlfriend after a three-year affair which eventually resulted in separation from our original spouses. We are planning on getting married soon. Although we both feel very guilty about the hurt we've caused to others, I have severed any romantic or friendly ties with my old spouse - its "business only" with my old spouse. My girlfriend, on the other hand, calls her old husband every day - she says she feels sorry for him. Today, I said to her, "You know you can never see him again," to which she replied, "No, I don't know that!". We dropped the matter for now, but I wish to discuss it further with her. Before I do, can I get some feedback from everyone on this? First, is there ANYONE who thinks I'm being unreasonable? Second, is there anyone who thinks she should call him everyday? What are your thoughts please? Thanks in advance.

  • #2
    Karma

    Only have one word for ya dude!

    KARMA

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    • #3
      If either you or your gf has children with your respective former spouses, it is always best to get along in an amicable way for the sake of the children. Communication is important.

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      • #4
        no kids

        To give more information, I have three kids with my old spouse, but she has no children.

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        • #5
          more information

          To give more information yet on this thread, I'm not sure if I was clear, but my real concern is that she apparently thinks it is appropriate to visit him. I don't think this is normal. I'm especially concerned, because it is clear he has not accepted the situation and wants her back. She says she just feels sorry for him and would visit him "like a brother". I really think this is ridiculous and dangerous. Am I all alone in my opinion? What does everyone else think?

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          • #6
            I've read this post two days ago and was too 'blown away' that you actually want advice on this. I'm baffled that you think her behaviour is inappropriate---look what you've both done 3 years ago! Now you're bothered that she's communicating with the very man she cheated ON(ex) and it's bugging the man she cheated with(you).Now you know how your ex wife and her ex husband felt.What a vicious web we weave!
            YOu really expected to have a solid relationship with this woman? you expected things to be peachy-keen when you both cheated and based this relationship on deception---now you're wondering if anyone sees her actions as acceptable. No they're not! Neither were yours!I think a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.........
            I think you should start from square one again--whatever that may entail for you. good luck

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            • #7
              What goes around, comes around.

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              • #8
                I agree .. but ...

                Thanks for the previous two replies. To the first of those: Yes you are right, but you are also being sarcastic, because when you say "I'm baffled that you think her behaviour is inappropriate", you suggest that I think what her and did in the past was acceptable. Neither her nor I (nor you) think it was, and we are genuinely sorry for what we did. We both vowed to one another that we wouldn't let it happen again. I can't see inside her heart, but I know that I am sincere. The issue is that I think she is being naive, and believes that she can "remain friends" with him, however good her intentions are. I think she is asking for trouble. If I'm all wet on that, perhaps I shouldn't make an issue of it, but I suspect that feedback from other members will suggest that I'm on solid ground with this. So my question boils down to a yes/no one, if she is sincere in her wish to be faithful to me, is it reasonable for her to visit him or not? To me, the answer seems obvious, but this forum has helped her and I with other issues in the past, and I hope our members can act as a neutral party again to help us with this one too.

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                • #9
                  There was no sarcasm there-it was simply baffling! point said.Have a good day

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                  • #10
                    Once a cheater not always a cheater. If you both cheated there was obviously something wrong with your previous relationships. I'm not saying it's right that you cheated.
                    If her and her ex are friends that's cool. Should she call him everyday? No, that's a little wierd. Some people do things just cause you tell them not to. So if her talking to the ex every day is a recent thing than you forbiding her to may have had something to do with it. As long as they're just friends there's really no harm , she should cut down on it though.

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                    • #11
                      right.

                      w/ohope, you are correct - there were major problems in both our past relationships that caused the affair. We don't like that we cheated and are sorry about that. I certainly don't ever want to have that happen again. We are deeply in love and after three years together and now living together full time for close to a year now, we can't imagine not being together. Our lives were filled with a void that we have now filled for each other. Ironically, amidst our happiness, is the sadness that comes from the hurt we know we've caused others. I understand how she feels about that. I honestly believe she has no bad intentions, but I'm just worried that she is being naive about trying to continue a "brother like" relationship with him. I really don't mind, as long as she does not go to his city to visit him - but there's no way I can trust him not to attempt a sexual encounter, and however good her intentions are, when he's crying and pleading with her, I don't think she realizes the pressure she will feel. I just think its not reasonable for her to see him. The phone calls I have mixed feelings about - on the one hand, I don't really mind her talking to him, but I am concerned about his interpretation of that. Her own father has warned her not to call him because he could misinterpret this.
                      Last edited by Jeff; 04-18-2006, 12:33 PM.

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