Separation Issues?

[Robinm]

Hi, When I separated I was unprepared, suddenly I was faced with responding to a court filing, I was experiencing grief and my kid was having attachment issues. This was 2 1/2 years ago, at that time there was not much available in terms of community support, now days there are some pockets of help. On top of all that, my ex made it in to a high conflict situation in an attempt to win custody and I was dealing with twice the usual household duties and expenses.

So, I was wondering what others had difficulty with? One person I talked to said they needed a group home to learn all the domestic skills they were missing.

In my case, I felt I could not find the right type of counseling to help my family deal with the detachment issues of my child and I ended up doing it all myself. Hours and hours of time together and hug therapy has helped.

[Janus]

On top of all that, my ex made it in to a high conflict situation in an attempt to win custody

What is the custody situation now?

hug therapy has helped.

Is that a euphemism?

[Robinm]

Hi, The custody situation is not official yet, but it has been 50/50 since the separation so there is a status quo which works in my child's favor.

I am totally serious about the hugs. When a child is alienating their parent (given a healthy relationship before) it is because their normal attachment system is broken, they can detach from the parent who they have the strongest emotional ties because it is too painful for them to deal with...in other words being around someone they love is really painful if they are hurting from the separation and the mind puts them in to a fight or flight reaction. The challenge is to repair the detachment quickly before the child builds up self fulfilling excuses not to keep a bond. When your child is detached the normal emotional systems are not releasing endorphins which are required to bond. Hugging releases these chemicals and so hugging your child a few times a day helps them feel a connection to you. In addition, you need to spend time just being available, building trust and empathizing with them. Even if you did not do anything wrong your child will blame you and you have to show them you are vulnerable and you must be authentic with them...you must change your approach so that your child doesn't re-enforce their negative perceptions. It is a horrifying experience to go through and in my case, I caught it early and it still took a good year to two before I felt we were back to normal.

Today, my child says they don't want hugs....but, if i forget to hug them, they immediately come over to hug me. This I take as a sign of independence, but also demonstrates their need to maintain the bond.

One thing to remember, it is abnormal for any child to not feel a connection to both parents and the solution should always be help them establish ad maintain the bonds, because they need it to be healthy the rest of their lives.